I’m struggling to forgive my husband for putting us in financial difficulty

babyblade41

I can clearly see that your parents have some kind of control over you and the new baby..clearing debt then welcoming you back home again

Staying there for the next 3 years isn't going to work at all .

You need to get apart - time work possibly evenings so OH can do the child minding, sell everything possible to clear debt quicker

I think if I'm being brutally honest you have been Molly coddled and seem to think it's solely your OH's job to bear the financial burden

I'm afraid it's a two way street. I was back at my desk 24 hours after giving birth, not because I wanted to be it was through necessity and did a part time job as well a few months later.

I think it's time to get up and start helping out and as soon as poss leave the parental environment as that will end a relationship in those circumstances very quickly

Primrose

It sounds as if you're still both going through a period of adjustment in becoming parents and i wonder if, given his difficult earlier background yiur husband is still trying to adjust to the demands of parenthood and the difficult demands it can make on a marriage.

He,s probably also feeling a lack of attention. I imagine that having to move back in with your parents has been stifling for your marriage and spending money has been the only way he felt he could get some release.

With regard to demands from his workplace I suggest you speak with your parents and agree to have the landline set to answerphone. If work bosses call him on his days off, tell him to keep his mobile switched off.

I'm not sure how yiur husband must feel with your parents "being absolutely wonderful". I imagine in his oresent state he would feel totally undermined as a man and as your husband and despite his mental condition perhaps they need to step back and let him find his real role again. I suspect this will not happen easily while you're all cooped up together under one cramped roof. Could they baby sit while you get back to a part time job to help reduce your debts? And could you downsize your new car for something cheaper?

[Deleted User]

I have long term mental health problems, not helped by a pretty yuk family background. Last year I was diagnosed with autism, so that doesn't help too.

But when I had my first son, in spite of the mental health problems, I worked very very long hours, almost 7 days a week, and then came home to clean, cook, look after my older son who hardly slept (he is autistic too). My OH (now ex) who also had his problems, did very little. I managed the money, it was the only way as if he had control of money it went on non essential things. When I had a second child, it broke me, finally. But I pulled myself up however hard it was and did my best to get more healthy. I had to, for them.

I think you might need to be more thankful for the love and support your husband has offered. Having a child can increase the strain. I know how I felt, for years I felt like I was on my knees doing everything and I just didn't count. I was so tired and there was never any let up. I loved my children, but that only carries you so far when you are doing everything. You do wear down, even with the best will in the world.

It might be helpful if you look at ways you can take more responsibility for what is happening. Financially, planning and workloads. Sometimes people with mental health problems can look at things from a very 'me' viewpoint. Only looking at how things affect them. Its what they are used to doing, and is part of the healing process but I suspect the focus needs to change now.

Your husband has looked after you, helped you for years. Now its your turn to return the favour. If you can look after a baby (you say he/she was planned) you can also help your husband now he is in trouble. And it may actually do you some good, help you see that you can take responsibility for more than you thought. I don't really see much of that in your OP.

And yes, go on the debt free wannabe board. See what you can cut back on to help you both pay the debts off as soon as possible. A part time job would be a good idea and again, might help you feel better about yourself.

You can't control your husband. You can help him get better but you can't control him. You can, however, control yourself. And again, I think you might find it a more rewarding experience than you are thinking.

The way you are writing, I suspect your husband is going to be your ex. It sounds like he just can't take it anymore. Is that what you want? You CAN change things.

thorsoak

The OP has not been back since her first post ...she was reading until the first post which did not support her view that it was all the fault of her husband......