I’m struggling to forgive my husband for putting us in financial difficulty

JessicaJaneIsabelle

Five months ago my husband and I welcomed our wonderful little girl into the world! For me, someone who has long suffered with severe depression and other challenging situations, she was the most amazing thing to have happened to me and life just seems so much brighter. Our little girl was planned and a few weeks after we had found out the great news my husband began to change. The change coincided with a promotion to the role of manager at work. I knew he was falling into a depression and suddenly he never wanted to mention the baby, he avoided any kind of shopping for the baby and I began to feel very lonely as though I was going through this pregnancy alone. He started to say and do things completely out of character and he could sense I was so thrilled to be pregnant but I knew he was suddenly regretting the decision. We were living with my parents to try and save for a deposit until my husband decided it would be nice for us to start renting to really build up a home for our new arrival. I think, in reality, he wanted to escape the situation and naturally, my parents were constantly talking about the prospect of their new grandchild (first one and I’m an only child). I agreed, perhaps naively, because my parents live in a maisonette (my childhood home) with two rooms so to be honest, there was barely any space. We moved and rented in a lovely little place but of course this meant the savings we did have were being used for rent which, including bills accumulated to about £1,200 per month. I’ve had a few part time jobs previously but don’t have any savings to my name and the financial burden has always fallen on my husband but something we have always known. He has been in debt in the past and my parents cleared that to help us start fresh. Fast forward eight months into being pregnant and financially, the house we were renting was leaving us with barely anything. Our only option was to go back to my parents which, yes, they are so incredible and allowed us back. September of last year, we welcomed our amazing little girl and I was hoping perhaps her arrival would be the start of my husband feeling a connection and feeling better. However, I could sense he wasn’t coping and has only recently been diagnosed with post natal depression. As someone who has had their fair share of mental health issues; I want to help him as much as I can. Before the diagnosis, my husband had been spending money we didn’t have in the first place, living heavily in an overdraft whilst paying off previous debts mounted up during our pregnancy, on a new car as well as material things I just can’t get my head around! He’s opened up about not feeling like he’s her dad (he knows he is in the biological sense but I suppose in the emotional sense) and says he often feels jealous that we don’t have to time together as much anymore. My husband has had a pretty terrible upbringing with abuse and I think it’s fair to say he’s never had a parental figure, well, there’s certainly been no affection and love in his life from family. I know when we met, one thing my husband always said was he finally felt he could breathe and he felt so lucky that for the first time in his life someone cared and loved him and respected him. I’ve always believed in him, he’s such a talented man and ultimately; my best friend which makes this even more upsetting! With every purchase I said that I didn’t think it was wise and we can’t afford these things and priorities need to change (aka, now we have a five month old). I receive £85 or so a month in child allowance I believe it’s called and that’s it. I’ve been on employment support allowance years ago when I had come out of a psychiatric hospital due to suicide attempts in 2013ish. I firmly believe in not ‘cheating the system’ and to be honest, with my husbands annual income - I couldn’t claim anyway! I’m very lucky to have such amazing parents who I know would be there financially for myself and my daughter but of course, we didn’t bring her into the world for them to be supporting us! My husband is currently going to counselling and has seen his gp about his feelings and I am very proud of him for admitting he’s not ok. I’ve seen him cry four times since we’ve been together which is 4 years this year and al of those break downs have been lately. I know he’s ashamed of what he’s done and he knows he’s completely broken my heart with his decisions. Lately, he’s really been fantastic in terms of going out of his way so that I get time to myself and he really enjoys coming to baby groups with me when he can and he comes to every health visitor appointment etc. However, now we are living with the consequences of his decisions and we are unlikely to pay all these debts off for at least three years before we even consider saving for a deposit. Of course, in that time hopefully I’ll be working and have started my own journey career wise so it could be a lot sooner! It’s hard when I love this man and have given him every part of me and every bit of love I could possibly give and I just feel so hurt. Ultimately, and more importantly, my daughter is what I care about most and i have these feelings of how this will affect her in the future. She’s surrounded by so much love particularly from my family so she will never be without welcoming open arms but I feel like I’m failing as a mother and that’s why we are on the brink of splitting up. We both love each other and desperately want to work through this but all these feelings of anger towards him, resentment etc are just driving me up the wall! We would love to try marriage counselling and in fact, did go to a few sessions but it’s very expensive and we quickly learnt that wasn’t affordable to us! It’s a very difficult situation. I have a wonderful perinatal team surrounding me who I had during my pregnancy as well as an incredible health visitor who is there for all of us so I do have an outlet. My husband is king of bottling his emotions and chooses not to open up to friends etc about the way he’s feeling so he gets very anxious too and can sometimes get panic attacks. His bosses aren’t overly brilliant and don’t have a lot of sympathy to the fact he’s got a little baby at home etc and often phone on days off and ask him to come in and sort finances out or check up on staff etc. Can anyone offer support or words of encouragement?

AylesburyDuck

Paragraphs are your friend, you'll find if you edit the wall of text into paragraphs you'll get more help as its easier for people to read.
Sorry, but my brain just wont even attempt it.

-taff

JessicaJaneIsabelle wrote: »

Five months ago my husband and I welcomed our wonderful little girl into the world!

For me, someone who has long suffered with severe depression and other challenging situations, she was the most amazing thing to have happened to me and life just seems so much brighter.

Our little girl was planned and a few weeks after we had found out the great news my husband began to change. The change coincided with a promotion to the role of manager at work. I knew he was falling into a depression and suddenly he never wanted to mention the baby, he avoided any kind of shopping for the baby and I began to feel very lonely as though I was going through this pregnancy alone.

He started to say and do things completely out of character and he could sense I was so thrilled to be pregnant but I knew he was suddenly regretting the decision.

We were living with my parents to try and save for a deposit until my husband decided it would be nice for us to start renting to really build up a home for our new arrival.

I think, in reality, he wanted to escape the situation and naturally, my parents were constantly talking about the prospect of their new grandchild (first one and I’m an only child).

I agreed, perhaps naively, because my parents live in a maisonette (my childhood home) with two rooms so to be honest, there was barely any space.

We moved and rented in a lovely little place but of course this meant the savings we did have were being used for rent which, including bills accumulated to about £1,200 per month.

I’ve had a few part time jobs previously but don’t have any savings to my name and the financial burden has always fallen on my husband but something we have always known.

He has been in debt in the past and my parents cleared that to help us start fresh.
Fast forward eight months into being pregnant and financially, the house we were renting was leaving us with barely anything. Our only option was to go back to my parents which, yes, they are so incredible and allowed us back.

September of last year, we welcomed our amazing little girl and I was hoping perhaps her arrival would be the start of my husband feeling a connection and feeling better. However, I could sense he wasn’t coping and has only recently been diagnosed with post natal depression. As someone who has had their fair share of mental health issues; I want to help him as much as I can.

Before the diagnosis, my husband had been spending money we didn’t have in the first place, living heavily in an overdraft whilst paying off previous debts mounted up during our pregnancy, on a new car as well as material things I just can’t get my head around! He’s opened up about not feeling like he’s her dad (he knows he is in the biological sense but I suppose in the emotional sense) and says he often feels jealous that we don’t have to time together as much anymore.

My husband has had a pretty terrible upbringing with abuse and I think it’s fair to say he’s never had a parental figure, well, there’s certainly been no affection and love in his life from family.
I know when we met, one thing my husband always said was he finally felt he could breathe and he felt so lucky that for the first time in his life someone cared and loved him and respected him. I’ve always believed in him, he’s such a talented man and ultimately; my best friend which makes this even more upsetting!


With every purchase I said that I didn’t think it was wise and we can’t afford these things and priorities need to change (aka, now we have a five month old). I receive £85 or so a month in child allowance I believe it’s called and that’s it. I’ve been on employment support allowance years ago when I had come out of a psychiatric hospital due to suicide attempts in 2013ish.
I firmly believe in not ‘cheating the system’ and to be honest, with my husbands annual income - I couldn’t claim anyway! I’m very lucky to have such amazing parents who I know would be there financially for myself and my daughter but of course, we didn’t bring her into the world for them to be supporting us!

My husband is currently going to counselling and has seen his gp about his feelings and I am very proud of him for admitting he’s not ok. I’ve seen him cry four times since we’ve been together which is 4 years this year and al of those break downs have been lately.

I know he’s ashamed of what he’s done and he knows he’s completely broken my heart with his decisions.

Lately, he’s really been fantastic in terms of going out of his way so that I get time to myself and he really enjoys coming to baby groups with me when he can and he comes to every health visitor appointment etc.

However, now we are living with the consequences of his decisions and we are unlikely to pay all these debts off for at least three years before we even consider saving for a deposit. Of course, in that time hopefully I’ll be working and have started my own journey career wise so it could be a lot sooner!

It’s hard when I love this man and have given him every part of me and every bit of love I could possibly give and I just feel so hurt.



Ultimately, and more importantly, my daughter is what I care about most and i have these feelings of how this will affect her in the future. She’s surrounded by so much love particularly from my family so she will never be without welcoming open arms but I feel like I’m failing as a mother and that’s why we are on the brink of splitting up.

We both love each other and desperately want to work through this but all these feelings of anger towards him, resentment etc are just driving me up the wall!
We would love to try marriage counselling and in fact, did go to a few sessions but it’s very expensive and we quickly learnt that wasn’t affordable to us!

It’s a very difficult situation. I have a wonderful perinatal team surrounding me who I had during my pregnancy as well as an incredible health visitor who is there for all of us so I do have an outlet.

My husband is king of bottling his emotions and chooses not to open up to friends etc about the way he’s feeling so he gets very anxious too and can sometimes get panic attacks.

His bosses aren’t overly brilliant and don’t have a lot of sympathy to the fact he’s got a little baby at home etc and often phone on days off and ask him to come in and sort finances out or check up on staff etc. Can anyone offer support or words of encouragement?

added paragraphs....

tacpot12

Your husband needs help, and he sounds like he is getting it. I think you have to hope that it works, but guard against the eventuality that it does not. I would try to save the child benefit that you receive, and look to him to pay for all the running costs of the home and child until you can return to work. The child benefit will give you a cushion if anything goes wrong.

You need to support him to make the right choices about his personal finances. Having a plan of action really helps; although progress can be slow, to have a plan and knowing that you are working towards that plan is quite motivating.

You also need to have a family budget such that all your known expenses are provided for, and there is a degree of provision for unknown expenses. Every family has the potential for unknown expenses, so plan for them. Save some money each month, for your known and unknown expenses. Your husband should not be allowed to spend money that is ear-marked for these known and unknown expenses. Making sure the family budget gives him some spare cash that he can spend or save is important.

Comms69

Just to be clear, the financial burden has always been on him, continues to be on him, but you're criticising his spending.


I mean you're a married couple, but you contribute nothing financially to this.


I'm not picking a side, he shouldn't have spent so frivolously; but I do think you should consider the whole picture.

calleyw

I could have been rude as this post does scream me me me.


But maybe you need turn it around and see it from his point of view. He has had a promotion at work taking on more responsibility and stress, and feels that he is seeing nothing for his hard work. Also still lives with his in laws. He now has a baby. And feels that he can't provide for. And wife who seems to be nagging about money and how hurt she is.



You say its going to take 3 years to get out of this hole does mean you are going to be be living with your parents all that time? As not sure that is going to work.


You both need to sit down somewhere neutral and talk. About how you are going to sort this out. I am amazed at how many couples don't talk about money and don't seem to have any idea how having a baby changes everything.


You need to help by looking at getting a job. Do you have a local supermarket where you could get a job stacking shelves over night. Would mean income to help pay off the debts that I suspect that you benefited from as well. And also give your husband chance to spend some time with his daughter to bond.


Yours


Calley x

onomatopoeia99

Boys are conditioned from an early age by female role models not to allow their emotions to be seen and to suppress them. "Big boys don't cry", as I was continually told by my female teaches at infants and junior school (are male teachers a thing that exist before secondary school nowadays? They weren't when I was growing up).

It's a hard habit to break, the conditioning not to show weakness of vulnerability is so deeply ingrained from being an infant and it also leads to an inability to open up about problems even if the wish to is there - we are taught to believe we will be judged harshly for doing it, that we will be letting people down if we cannot cope on our own. Unlike many women, we don't tend to end up with this big support network of friends to vent about problems in our lives, we are expected to be strong, not to moan and just get on with it (see also "man up", "grow a pair" and other hateful phrases). Hence being expected to shoulder the burden of being "the provider" in a household without complaint, and hence why the biggest killer of men under 45 is suicide.

He's admitted the problem and is getting help, which is a big positive step. He needs to know he is supported at home as well. Given you state you have your own history of MH problems, you will presumably understand this already.

As you haven't been working recently, I suppose you haven't been getting maternity pay? Have you worked enough for him to be eligible for SPL and ShPP, and if so is he claiming it? Can you help by taking some financial pressure off by getting a job?

pmlindyloo

Sometimes becoming a father can overwhelming.

He is now responsible for a child as well as a wife.

Your OH had just been promoted at work with more responsibility but may also feel stressed in his new role especially when being on call at the whim of his employer..

He has debt. (Your debt too)

He is living with his inlaws.

Any one of these can cause immense anxiety/depression in a person.

You and you OH need to have a plan. The debt needs to be managed and you need your own place. Deposit for a house can be put on hold.

The debt needs to be tackled (Post on the Debtfree Wannabe forum - they are brilliant) and a budget maintained.

You need to work together.

For example...……..

Would your parents babysit whilst you did some part time work?

Can you sell the car and buy a cheaper one? Etc etc

You can get back on track but you need to work together.

Without wishing to appear mean it does seem that your OH has all the stress whilst you are enjoying your baby. His spending may well be because of his need to assert his 'manhood'. ''I am earning a decent wage I can afford a decent car''. I should imagine he has pretty low esteem as, in his mind, he has achieved nothing. Wild spending often goes hand in hand with people who feel depressed/anxious/stressed/of low self esteem.

Sit down together (not with your parents present) and tell him how much you love him, how talented he is, how he is your best friend and sorry that you have 'neglected him' (not a criticism most new mums do it) and try to work through it all. Get that plan sorted.

calleyw

pmlindyloo wrote: »

Without wishing to appear mean it does seem that your OH has all the stress whilst you are enjoying your baby. His spending may well be because of his need to assert his 'manhood'. ''I am earning a decent wage I can afford a decent car''. I should imagine he has pretty low esteem as, in his mind, he has achieved nothing. Wild spending often goes hand in hand with people who feel depressed/anxious/stressed/of low self esteem.

Also a common theme among some people with long term illness be it physical or mental is being selfish.



As can be seen the entire OP is just me me me. And that is how they get, they forget the other person has feelings, needs and wants. Because only theirs count. And of course he does nothing for her. He goes out to work so she can stay at home even before the baby it seems. And blames him for all the spending of the money. Even though some of it was for bills for the both of them.


When you are the one doing it all, it does have a toll on you. My ex had a stroke but was able to claim benefits so that eased the money side. But I still had to drive, cook, clean etc and work full time. We had no children but in the end I could not cope having to be a responsible adult for two. it broke me.



Her husband as I mentioned in a previous post is working hard and all she can do is go well work should know he has a baby so should not be calling. With out seeing his contract I can only suspect its part of being the managers role. Often expected to work extra hours with possibly no over time at short notice.


Yours


Calley x

-taff

Sell anyhting you don't need that he bought. And if you can be proud of him for seeking help then you can forgive him for the symptoms of that, i.e. the spending. You can also find a part time job if your parents are willing to babysit so that the financial burden does't fall solely on him or so you can have a date night or similar, or a chance to talk away from your parents house.

gycraig_2

So he's a bloke expected to run a household and support a wife and kid on one income for a partner who has never really put into the pot and is enjoying all the benefits of being a mum while he takes the downsides ?.

Generally couples save during the pregnancy and then get maternity pay, there is no wonder he is struggling.

I lived with girlfriends parents for 6 months while we saved for a deposit and I get in with her parents but it's aweful you don't get to be your own person you have to be what the parents expect of you. Can't imagine being a new parent in best behaviour while the in-laws keep saying how it should be done.

Get a job move into your own house and I guarantee he will get better