Keeping up with the Joneses 5 February 2019 at 12:43PM in MoneySaving mums 25 replies 12.6K views

TBagpuss

Quite apart from the other points made above, neither you nor your mother actually *know* that these others are better off than you.

It's equally possible that they have far more debt, or other underlying issues, or indeed that they are better off because they have received generous financial gifts, or an inheritance, from their parents.

It does sound as though your mum is picking particularly successful (in her eyes) to compare you with. Is it possible that she is also judging herself? Feeling that she has to compete with her friends and their children ? Which is hard for you to cope with, but might help you put it into perspective .

Elise1912

I have felt in the same position but not necessarily with my mother more other family members. It sounds like you've done an amazing job! Being a mother is hard work! I bet your kids are happy and know they're loved right? Comparison is the thief of all joy! You should tell her to butt out or explain how it makes you feel. If it doesn't change, personally I would limit my time with that person. That's what I did with this family member, I really don't enjoy spending time with them anymore and leave feeling worse about myself so I stay where I'm happy!

Elise1912

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Why is your mother even in your life that much when you have children approaching being adults?

For me seeing my parents is a distinct activity that is usually planned weeks in advance. It sounds like she's in your life way more than that.

Tell her that she's not welcome in your home until she adjusts her attitude.

I agree with this one!

spadoosh

Is there not a chance that youre misreading this?

If not i can only assume your mother was particularly helpful to you when you left home? If she wasnt, it sounds like genuine 'arent they lucky'?

supersaver1000

I know exactly where you are coming from Cat Loving Lady.

I have some lovely friends who, no matter what my mood or situation, always lift my mood after seeing them - and we always say that its a two-way thing.

In contrast I find some people are like the Dementors in Harry Potter. According to Wiki - Dementors gradually drain human minds of happiness.... consume the emotions and good memories of human beings, forcing the victim to relive its worst memories alone.

They can't help it, so just try to avoid the 'Dementors', and if you can't fully avoid them, make sure you're scheduled to meet up with one of your lovely friends or do an activity you like afterwards, to boost you up again.

katsu

Would your mum understand if you said you find it depressing to talk about all these other people in this way? Do you think she is unaware of how it makes you feel?

If you think it is not accidental then maybe just tell your mum that you do not want to discuss the neighbours/whomever and change the topic of conversation. If that doesn't work, leave the room briefly (you can just say "excuse me a mo..." then go - no need to say more) and then start a new conversation when you come back in. She can't affect you if she is talking to the air!

Good luck and remember there's no reason to compare yourself to other people.

Leothecat

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Why is your mother even in your life that much when you have children approaching being adults?

For me seeing my parents is a distinct activity that is usually planned weeks in advance. It sounds like she's in your life way more than that.

Tell her that she's not welcome in your home until she adjusts her attitude.

Seriously? I find that very sad.

LondonLiz

CCL, reading between the lines I think you saying that you have internalised a belief that your Mum is not proud of you. It feels like the comments about houses & cars etc are but one example of how over the years she has judged you and your life choices in lots of other ways and somehow found you 'wanting' in comparison to these friends & their kids. Are YOU proud of yourself and your family and what you have achieved given all the circumstances? If so then what your Mum (or anyone else) thinks is simply not that important.

And also that she measures success in life by the display of material wealth and that extends to a 'competition' in her social circle about how "well" their offspring are doing, which is her issue not yours to share. Essentially the two of you don't share the same values. It's understandable that even as an adult you want her approval but some of us have to accept that we simply won't get it from our parents, no matter what we do.

But that doesn't mean just accepting her comments and put downs. One of the most important things I've had to learn is that I cannot change the behaviour and thinking of my family & other people in my life, all I can do is adjust my own behaviour & control my reactions. Funnily enough, in changing my own responses, I found it wrong footed them and changed the whole dynamic. It has not changed their opinions necessarily but it has changed what & how they say things to me. It's also helped me let it go when they do revert to type. You'll need to experiment to find what works for you in this interaction with your Mum (my most successful tactic with older siblings was actually shutting up rather than arguing back or defending myself - cue some awkward silences!). - in other words what Katsu suggested - !

Sorry for all the cod psychology but this approach has really helped me over the years.

Samac

Can I just say WELL DONE to you for having savings in place worth that much to them for when they turn 18, that itself is no mean fete so you have done better than the majority of most families for a start, do these 'Jones' have the same worth for their kids? I bet not. Like other posters have said nobody knows what debt another family has, a lot of these people you see that have 2/3 holidays a year, new cars etcetc are in so much debt or get a loan yearly and as soon as they have paid that off with extortionate interest rates they get another and the cycle continues for the rest of their lives, you say you have no debt but a big mortgage, I imagine that is better than these Jones and bet they wish that was all they had to worry about is the mortgage, so take no notice of your mother and say the same to her too, next time she says something say yeh but the interest rate on that car or loan is what I save for my kids so whos the winner here ;-)

BrassicWoman

Leothecat wrote: »

Seriously? I find that very sad.

I find it a self defense mechanism. People aren't pleasant to be with just because you are related to them.