Direct cremations

M.E.

My sister in law died after being ill for a few months but unable to communicate her wishes. Her husband didn't know her wishes (not spelled out in her will).
Their daughter could not face watching a coffin go behind a curtain so the family decided that it would be a direct cremation, BUT there would be a non-religious commemoration in the village hall. This was held about a week afterwards and to most of the relatives it was essentially a funeral rather than a memorial service, which is generally held some time after a funeral service.
As the death was expected, most people had said their goodbyes. It was not a religious service in any way though several people would have preferred a more religious setting or even a non-religious service at a crematorium. For me, it was OK. What it did do was miss out the normally sad or rushed dash to the crematorium and that for me was absolutely fine.
The close family had a simple scattering of ashes some weeks later when they could all attend.
Although unusual the format did not upset many, especially as no-one really wanted the coffin behind a curtain scenario as had happened with the generation before.

Mojisola

M.E. wrote: »

Their daughter could not face watching a coffin go behind a curtain so the family decided that it would be a direct cremation

Although unusual the format did not upset many, especially as no-one really wanted the coffin behind a curtain scenario as had happened with the generation before.

There's no need for the coffin to go behind the curtain during the service.

We had my parents' coffins left on the bier at the front of the room and we were all able to say a last goodbye as we left after the service.

wizzywilc

Good point, Sea Shell. A more personalised funeral is not necessarily a more expensive one. For the record, our costs were slightly below the national average (https://www.sunlife.co.uk/siteassets/documents/cost-of-dying/cost-of-dying-report-2018.pdf). I hope my previous post was useful for someone.

chesky

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

Personally I find it extremely painful to bear... that a loved one would rather go off on their journey, with only strangers lifting them in a wooden box like piece of cargo.....than have family there, or give their loved ones a change to grieve. It literally breaks my heart

I wonder if people realize the agonizing pain that can be left behind.

Funerals are a grieving process. People aren't just meant to disappear

It almost feels like it makes things harder for those left behind. Harder to come to terms with, and almost feels like a final *middle finger* to loved ones, as it makes it so much harder to deal with

although people are saying there is nothing to stop family and friends having a memorial a few months later, there kind of is, as if the deceased wanted a memorial, they would have requested one, instead of the blunt end they have chosen for themselves so in essence, that is going against the deceased wishes - which of course we must respect

It is almost 'on trend' these days to have this kind of ending - David Bowie seems to have made it popular

If you have ever had anyone you dearly love, chose this kind of cremation, you may understand what I am talking about. I don't think I will ever get over it

I know that my darling family will all be so 'fed up' (couldn't put my original words) with me popping my clogs that they won't be in the mood to organise a party, so I'm going to take it out of their hands.

My son's girlfriends mother died recently and he was disgusted at the number of people who turned up at the crematorium and to the after event. It was at a local pub and my sons g/f and siblings arranged a tab at the bar. People who had hardly ever spoken to her mother chomped their way through all the food, whilst her family and friends looked on, then ran up an astronomical bar bill.

On the other hand, I've told my family to go to our favourite restaurant for lunch, drink champagne and have a great time, whilst drinking a toast to me.

I'm all for my direct cremation. What would you rather do?

seven-day-weekend

We have already paid for and booked our burial plots in a Natural Burial ground. A Direct Burial obviously seems the way to go. We will of course discuss it with our son and find out what has to be done.

As we are believing Christians, a service of thanksgiving for our lives, in whichever church we were attending, some time later, would be great.

pickledonionspaceraider

chesky wrote: »

I know that my darling family will all be so 'fed up' (couldn't put my original words) with me popping my clogs that they won't be in the mood to organise a party, so I'm going to take it out of their hands.

My son's girlfriends mother died recently and he was disgusted at the number of people who turned up at the crematorium and to the after event. It was at a local pub and my sons g/f and siblings arranged a tab at the bar. People who had hardly ever spoken to her mother chomped their way through all the food, whilst her family and friends looked on, then ran up an astronomical bar bill.

On the other hand, I've told my family to go to our favourite restaurant for lunch, drink champagne and have a great time, whilst drinking a toast to me.

I'm all for my direct cremation. What would you rather do?

I am all for it, if it suits you and your family and the fact you have asked them to drink a toast to you, in remembrance, will mean there is some kind of get together - not like a person has disappeared suddenly, which is the experience I had, a family member requested no one there and nothing afterwards, no get together, no remembrance nothing


What would I rather do? I am really not sure. Whatever it would be, I wouldn't chose a religious service, but that is about all I am sure of. Natural burials look nice, peaceful. Like I say I'm not sure.
I would want my close family there (and anyone they want there to support them)and my closest of friends, and that would only amount about a dozen people


PS sounds like there were a lot of non close relatives at the funeral you mention, that is the polar opposite of the quiet way I would want to go, but I would want my family around me (even though I wouldn't know) as for me, it feels right

chesky

Well, to be honest, if they DIDN'T drink a toast to me, I'd come back and haunt them, since we often drink a toast to my ex who died a couple of years ago (typically on the eve of my birthday, but that's another story).

Gers

My elderly and failing DM has specifically said that she does not want a traditional cremation service. Her view is that almost all of her peers are already dead, as is my Dad and brother. The only family left in the UK is me and I'm definitely not up for the whole nine yards!

So, direct cremation it'll be and then scattered in the same place as Dad and half of brother. As for me, I've directed the same in my Letter of Wishes. Whether or not it happens is down to those left behind and I won't worry about it.

I don't think it's disrespectful, however one of the freedoms we have in this country is freedom of choice and will. One man's meat and all that.

p00hsticks

I'm retiring to a completely different and quite remote part of the country to where the majority of my relatives live (having already moved several hundred miles north twenty years ago).

I think my relatives (many of who are getting on a bit) will be quite relieved that I'm planning on a direct cremation. I intend to make some money available for them to have a get together in my memory and they can light a candle at the time of the cremation but I have no intention of expecting them to travel hundreds of miles for a funeral service.

Miró

Such a difficult subject. An acquaintance of mine who lived in a small country village died a couple of years ago. His wife arranged a direct cremation for him with no memorial service and she has now been ostracised by most of the other villagers. They were outraged -comments like 'it was my right to be able to say goodbye', 'I wanted to pay my respects', 'he deserved better' were the talk of the local pub. Very sad, she used to be a pillar of the community and now hardly anyone talks to her. It's the sort of place where people bear grudges and have long memories too.