Age Gap Relationships

Jo3y83

Karenm0202 wrote: »

I had 19 years with a partner 21 years older than me and accepted that we wouldn't retire together. It does get harder as you get older and the gap becomes more apparent. My partner died of cancer several years ago in his early 70s and luckily I was well enough to nurse him at home.
I wish you years of happiness but remember to put things in place for when one of you is alone. Either of you could get ill or need care and the age gap has nothing to do with that.

Thank you, Karen. Good advice!

TBagpuss

ViolaLass wrote: »

It's a bit daft to suggest that there are 'rules' (once both parties are over 16) for this kind of thing.

A 35 may go out with anyone who they like and who likes them (subject, again, to legal limits). Telling people 'but the rule is...' isn't going to stop comments (which shouldn't happen because that's rude).

not to mention that that particular 'rule' is very old fashioned, and only worked one way round - i.e. a woman could marry an older man, no the other way around.

It was rooted in a historic period where a well-bred woman would aim to be married young, with a view to producing children, whereas a well-bred man wasn't expected to settle down so soon, and, if a member of the middle classes, would need time to establish himself in his professional life so he could afford to support a wife.

So for instance, Mr Knightley (36) and Emma Woodhouse (21) in Jane Austen's 'Emma', are seen as a suitable couple!

It's pretty much totally irrelevant these days.

OP, I think all you can do is try to ignore any weird comments or looks, and if people do comment, feel free to 'return the awkward to sender' by responding with something such as "What an odd thing to say" or "Did you realise you said that out loud?"

dont_use_vistaprint

Its very common, guys are often much more immature than women even into their 30s and 40s, so a woman needs an older guy that's wise and knows how to take care of her, a man not a boy. And guys in their 40s and 50s often need women a bit younger for other reasons!

Care less about what people think or say because you are confident you are with the right person for the right reasons, if they seem confused why, just spell it out to them

Jo3y83

TBagpuss wrote: »

not to mention that that particular 'rule' is very old fashioned, and only worked one way round - i.e. a woman could marry an older man, no the other way around.

It was rooted in a historic period where a well-bred woman would aim to be married young, with a view to producing children, whereas a well-bred man wasn't expected to settle down so soon, and, if a member of the middle classes, would need time to establish himself in his professional life so he could afford to support a wife.

So for instance, Mr Knightley (36) and Emma Woodhouse (21) in Jane Austen's 'Emma', are seen as a suitable couple!

It's pretty much totally irrelevant these days.

OP, I think all you can do is try to ignore any weird comments or looks, and if people do comment, feel free to 'return the awkward to sender' by responding with something such as "What an odd thing to say" or "Did you realise you said that out loud?"

Your post made me smile - thank you Good advice!

Jo3y83

dont_use_vistaprint wrote: »

Its very common, guys are often much more immature than women even into their 30s and 40s, so a woman needs an older guy that's wise and knows how to take care of her . And guys in their 40s and 50s often need women a bit younger for other reasons!

Care less about what people think or say because you are confident you are with the right person for the right reasons, if they seem confused why spell it out to them

Thank you - your words are very true

onlyroz

17 years between me and my husband, and I've never had any negative comments (either that or I've simply not noticed - I'm rarely interested in what other people think of me so I don't look for their reactions).

dont_use_vistaprint

spadoosh wrote: »

Well there are rules for this kind of thing. Theyre not written. THings like you queue in an orderly fashion. You complain about the weather. You dont go near your best mates ex kind of thing.

That's the most ridiculous thing Iv'e read this week. Anyone who complains about the weather or anything else completely outside their control is setting themselves up for depression.

Queues ? Some funny English custom no one else understands

Ex's ? You have a point, Maybe in the school playground this actually does apply.

spadoosh

dont_use_vistaprint wrote: »

That's the most ridiculous thing Iv'e read this week. Anyone who complains about the weather or anything else completely outside their control is setting themselves up for depression.

Queues ? Some funny English custom no one else understands

Ex's ? You have a point, Maybe in the school playground this actually does apply.

And you say this?

dont_use_vistaprint wrote: »

Its very common, guys are often much more immature than women even into their 30s and 40s, so a woman needs an older guy that's wise and knows how to take care of her, a man not a boy. And guys in their 40s and 50s often need women a bit younger for other reasons!

Care less about what people think or say because you are confident you are with the right person for the right reasons, if they seem confused why, just spell it out to them

You seem to be saying that men just want sex and women need looking after? And im being ridiculous using an old fashioned rule to highlight that at no point in history have people really considered what the OP is doing as out of the norm?

You should just put "dudes not welcome" on these threads ladies.

Pollycat

Jo3y83 wrote: »

My partner and I have been a couple for almost 2 years. We've known each other for around 10 years as we work for the same company and formed a firm friendship during those years. Since my marriage broke down and he was long-term separated we decided to give a relationship a try.
I have no regrets about this but as there is a 16 year age gap between us (I'm almost 36 and he is 51). I've noticed there seems to be quite a bit of non-verbal and verbal judgement, which I've found a little hard to deal with. We often receive strange looks from an older generation and comments towards him, such as "you're punching above your weight". It can be quite upsetting.


My parents have 13 years between them so I grew up not judging such relationships but I feel this is not the case for others.
I have no children and he has a 20 year old son, who has completely accepted me and we've become mates.


Has anyone else in an age gap relationship had similar findings? I want to find a way to care less about what people think and I feel a little alone in that respect.

Who are these 'people' and why do you care what they think?


If they are 'friends' and are giving you verbal or non-verbal judgement, they are really not your friends. Deal with them as 'acquaintances' - see below.



If they are acquaintances, I'd just tell them that their comments are not welcome and they either stop or you will cut them dead.


If they are strangers, a quick 'what the hell does it have to do with you?' should work.

bugslet wrote: »

To answer your quote, I find a lot of women aren't like me, I tend to take no rubbish. I'm not rude or aggressive, but people wouldn't be making any smart a*** comments to me:o

Me neither. My sister says I take no prisoners.
Anyone who stuck their nose into my relationship with OH would get short shrift.


OP - you need to practice batting nasty, unwelcome comments back.

20aday

I once dated someone who was 20 years my senior.

Our relationship didn't last very long as we were both at different times in our lives but we're still friends and I still rent a room off him.

We had comments back then about how I was a 'gold digger' and now it's questions/comments about how 'weird' it must be, living with an ex... but I don't have to justify myself to people who aren't all that important in my life!