Adventures of the Boy & Me: Part 3..

Chandelier.

To Do List: 25/01/19

• Create an action plan for my course portfolio.
• Write one reflection.
• Arrange to meet up with a friend.
• Arrange a date with a guy I've been talking to for the past month.
• Book my annual leave.
• Send birthday card to my sister.
• Take round birthday card for my godson.
• Create February budget.
• Withdraw £20 for tonights aftershow party.

A smaller list but it's a lot more manageable if I use my time effectively .

Homegrown0

Fingers crossed you get a good result on the back pay!

You sound really organised - long may it continue!

Chandelier.

Morning,

It's been a hectic week since I last checked in here and things have been all over the place. My head isn't in the game recently and I've pretty much burnt myself out.

I had an appointment with my consultant psychiatrist yesterday, I have a new one and she was pretty much trying to get to know me. At some point I broke down crying and everything came out of what's been happening and how I've been feeling. She suggested about reducing some of my meds which I was reluctant to as I'm waiting on a referral to a specialist centre and I'm still symptomatic. The be all and end all is that I'm severely depressed right now. This is not news to me as I had one breakdown before Christmas which was a warning sign. I've been bottling everything up that's been happening recently but I've just hit breaking point. Work has been really hard and stressful lately but it's been an accumulation of things. The end result is that they've forced me to take a month off work to enable myself to take time to get better and forget everything else. I was reluctant to do this but I know it's for the best. They've given me some additional meds for if times get tough which should hopefully help.

After that, the realisation kind of hit me but I was really worried and panicking about what my manager would say. When I phoned to tell her, she was really short with me and the conversation ended quickly which upset me a bit but I'm following recommendations of what to do to enable myself to get better. I think she felt guilty afterwards as she messaged me twice then tried ringing. I just messaged back to apologise and say I'd hand in my sick note today.

So at some point, I need to muster up the energy and go hand it in. I don't want any conversation or questions asked regarding it. I just want to get the help and support I need.

I've lost my sparkle and I just want it back. I've no control over my moods and it can be soul destroying. It's like no matter how much I try it is not good enough.

Work has been a really touchy subject as of late and I was dreading going in, not knowing what I was walking into. Some staff members made the shift pretty hard work and put extra pressure on me. I can't do it anymore.

I know I'm letting them down and I feel as if I'm letting my student down who made me so proud but I know I need to put myself and my health first.

I can't function properly when I'm in this state of mind and I'm unable to give 100% of myself. I was probably only giving 75% which isn't like me. Something has to give.

So I have one month to get myself together again and change my outlook on things. I need to learn how to say no to things and to stand up for myself. I need my confidence back and my motivation to do what I do.. that's going to take time.

My pay will take a hit but I'm not too fussed about that. I have back up funds as a reserve for situations like this and that is what it is there for. I can cut back in other areas if needed to facilitate this.

I am important, I am all that matters.

I have full control of my finances and I'm keeping my eye on the ball. It's the start of a new month so this months budget should kick in. I just need to move some money around into the seperate pots then I can go from there. I received an extra payment this month which should help ease the pressure of things.

The boy is doing absolutely grand and still makes me proud in everything he does. I've been a bit more irritable lately but I'm trying hard not to let it show to him.

Last night the boy and I went for a meal with my friend who I haven't seen in a couple of weeks. Another friend from work joined us and they could both see how knackered/withdrawn I was. It's funny how people see things that sometimes you don't personally. I think I spent around £25 for the both of us but that included food, drinks and a dessert. The boy asked for a dessert and he chose the biggest cake possibly. It was a Mars bar and chocolate fudge one. In the end we shared it between all four of us.

I've been doing some reading lately which is taking my mind off things. I always find that a good book relaxes me and sometimes gives me another perspective. Although they are mostly fiction they can give me hope and motivation in some life circumstances.

I went on a date this week with the guy I've been talking with. He was so lovely but I'm unsure whether he is for me. I'm hoping we can stay friends though as I'd quite like someone like him in my life. He's very calm, relaxing and logical. He gives me different perspectives of things and knows when I find work hard he will send me things to cheer me up which I appreciate.

I know I'm not in the right mindset to date so that's going onto the back burner for now. I want to start working on myself and improve my own health/wellbeing before I try again.

So a part of that is losing some weight I have gained over the past six months. I've probably put around 20lb on since starting a new medication which isn't good. I'm still paying for a gym membership so I need to start using it and watch what I eat. I know this will be a long journey ahead so I'm aiming to lose 4lb a month which should is realistic and should be achievable. I'm not putting too much pressure on myself to lose more.. if I do then that's a bonus.

I want to get outdoors more, see things and appreciate the life that surrounds me. I want to get in touch with my inner self and do things, I once used to enjoy.

I've booked my annual leave for the end of the Summer to take the boy travelling. I now need to do my research and make a plan of where we are going, what we are going to do and how we will do this all. I've done it in a way that I will have just over three weeks off which is good. I've yet to book the rest of my annual leave.

I'm still yet to hear from payroll so I'll chase that up today. It's been over a week now and they've still not got back in contact.

So that is pretty much it for now and is an update of what has been happening. Each day I'm going to set myself some small goals and make a small to do list that is easy enough to complete. I need to use my time wisely and effectively and some things can wait.

Chandelier.

To Do List; 01/02/19.

• Finish the book I'm reading. (I'm halfway through).
• Hand in my sick note. (I'll do this around lunchtime and have a word with my manager).
• Phone payroll. (Try and chase this up and see where we are at).
• Prepare a snack box for the boys ice skating. (We will be there just over three hours. I'll feed him once home from school but will take enough with us to keep his energy levels up).
• Put my ironing away. (I've been a bit lazy with this. I might also put a wash load on).
• Quick tidy of my bedroom. (There isn't vast lots that need doing but some things need to be put back in their home).
• Move money into allocated pots for the month. (This should only take ten/fifteen minutes).

Homegrown0

Just stopping by Chandelier to offer my support - it sounds like you're going through such a rough time but you're doing a fantastic job of dealing with it. I think it's wise to take the time off to focus on your health and wellbeing and just generally take a step back.

I think it also helps that you have something to focus on and look forward to (your trip with the boy) so all in all it sounds like a good plan to get yourself on the mend.

I hope you don't get too many questions from work today - definitely bite the bullet and get your note handed in and over with.

All the best.

Chandelier.

Afternoon,

I managed to get all the jobs done that I'd listed yesterday and a few more on top of that.

I went into work but just handed my sicknote to a close colleague to hand in. I just couldn't bare to see/speak to anyone. I was having panic attacks before heading in because I was worried what people might say. I just need a break from it all and I'm limiting communication with people. I need some time alone to reflect on things.

I sorted out this months budget yesterday and allocated funds into the right pots. I'm hoping to scale things back a little this month whilst I'm off work. Some expenses may be less then others.

I made a £30 payment towards my CC bringing the total balance down to £570.00. It's slowly trickling down. I'll most likely make another payment at some point during the month when I have a mid month review of finances.

I've kind of had a small lightbulb moment and realised I don't have to spend a lot on days out or feel that we always have to go somewhere. Today has pretty much been a chilled out day. We've played games, watched tele and done some wordsearch/crisscross puzzles together. We are off to my cousins afterwards where hopefully my dashcam shall be fitted.

I just don't want to do much at all at the moment. I feel like I'm still in shock about the whole situation and not fully realising the true extent of it all. On the outside, I looked as if I was managing fine but it was what was going on in the inside that took the full force of it all.

Anyway, I need to get some petrol afterwards so will pop £30 into the car that should see me through the next couple of weeks. I'm not planning on any long journeys but I have something in mind for February half term. The boy is learning about Hadrians Wall and I've mentioned we may take a visit there at some point so he can see it for what it is. I'm unsure whether this will be a day trip or whether we stay overnight and explore further. To do a day trip it is a 220 mile round trip with the journey taking three hours each way. I'm not sure if I can manage that all in one day. I could have a look at what else is around in the area and made a judgement from there.

It can give me something to think about.

Chandelier.

Morning,

It's the early hours of the morning and I've woke up far too early and I'm unable to get back to sleep which is a bit of a bummer. I've just kind of laid in bed thinking about everything that's going on and I'm trying to reflect on the positives for now, rather than the negatives.

My mood is still low and I understand it will be for a while until the initial shock of things wear off. It all still seems surreal that I'm actually off work and it's time for me to face up to things. I'm just kind of unsure about what I'm actually facing and what's contributed to all of this. I can't exactly pinpoint one thing and it seems to be an accumulation of everything. And now it's all standstill. I have room to breathe.

I'm trying to be kind to myself but also being careful. I don't want to get caught in the trap of spending money on things for short term gratification whilst I'm feeling the way I do. However I also feel the need to treat myself a little bit.

The other day, I bought myself a new coat. It's bright green and colourful and you'd be able to spot me a mile away in it. It's not a colour I'd usually go for but I saw my friend wearing it and I fell in love with it on the spot. I didn't buy it straight away and waited a few days before I did to make sure I actually wanted it and could justify it. In the end I did purchase it which came to a grand total of £42. It feels like you're wearing a sleeping bag, it's that padded and comfy. I need to go pick it up from instore. That's me done with coats now.

The weekend seemed to have passed really quickly.

For the rest of Saturday, we went to my cousins house and I had a bit of a catch up with them. I've finally had my dash cam fitted which I'm ecstatic about and it has both a front/rear camera. It was definately worth the investment. The boy said he had a wonderful day, even though we hadn't actually done much apart from chilling out, playing on his switch, doing puzzles together and visiting family etc. It made me feel grateful that I hadn't actually had to go out anywhere. The only expense that day was I put £25 into my car which should hopefully last me two weeks, give or take, depending how much travelling I get up to.

On Sunday I went to watch the boys ice skating. They are doing a group number which looks amazing, it's a riverdance theme and the kids all look fantastic. I took a thermal mug of coffee with me but as we were there for three hours, I did end up purchasing myself a Starbucks coffee which cost £3.55. I usually begrudge paying the prices but I was thirsty and a standard coffee is £2.50 and doesn't taste great so I'd rather pay an extra pound and drink something I'd enjoy.

After skating, I picked my mum up and we did a bit of a food shop at Aldi. We are mostly stocked up now and I'll just need to pop and get fresh fruit/milk later in the week.

Yesterday I spent the day just watching catch up tv/started reading another new book. To be honest, it was a waste of a day and I wish I'd have done something more productive but I just didn't have the energy to. The only thing I did get into my head was I was thinking about taking the boy away over half term. I thought of a destination and started to price up flights, accomodation, places we could visit and everything else included. I was all set to book it until I realised what I was actually doing. I have the funds for a holiday and I feel like I need an escape, I'm just not sure its the right thing to do at the moment. My holiday funds were all set to go towards our summer travels so I'm trying to think logically. It was only when a friend mentioned maybe it's the wrong time of year to travel to that destination that I stopped what I was doing. I can't just run away from my problems so maybe I'm going to compromise and maybe just have a night or two away in the UK somewhere over half term. That may be a more sensible option.

I'm booked in to get my hair done today at the hairdressers. I've put aside £50 to cover this and it should hopefully be enough. I'm unsure what I want to do with my hair just yet so I'll have a talk through with my hairdresser and see what she thinks. My hair is getting pretty long now and I love it. I can do so many styles with it and its maintainable on a day to day basis.

Once that is done, I shall go and pick up my new coat and head home to pick the boy up and take him to football. His dad has now agreed to pay for this which is one less thing for me to worry about paying for. I gave him the details to set up the direct debit so hopefully he has done that. I'll check in with him and the coach who runs the activity, so I can cancel my direct debit for that.

I've been invited out for dinner and a trip to the cinema with the guy I mentioned from last week. We have been talking here and there and I've decided I want to stay in contact, even if it's just for the company. He knows I'm off work but hasn't asked too many questions which I'm thankful of. He seems to be a polite, respectful and decent person who could end up being a positive in my life. I'm keeping that door open. Hopefully we will be able to use a 2for1 voucher code for the cinema, I'll ask my friend for one as she gets the meerkat deals so maybe I can book in advance. There doesn't seem to be many films out at the moment that I want to watch but it's a distraction for me which I'm grateful for. I just need to remember to be myself and put a smile on my face to keep the mood relaxed.

It's not that I want to hide what's going on but I just want to forget it for a short while. I may confide in him just to see what his perspective is but I'm usually a private person.

I've yet to tell other people in my life what's going on and I'm just shutting things out. I've had a few messages asking if I'm okay but I just can't bear to reply at the moment as I'm still feeling raw. I shall reach out bit by bit to those that matter, as and when I feel ready. I don't want my whole personal life out in the open for others to see and make judgement on. People can be cruel sometimes and only see things in black and white when it's much deeper then that.

I'm suppose to be attending a friends 50th birthday party at the weekend. I'm unsure yet whether I'm going to go but I have a present for her. I think I may just pop in and show my face. The only thing is, some people from my work will be there as it's a work friends party and they will no doubt ask questions. I don't want to have to answer them so I'll have a good think about what to do and the best way around it. I know another friend is going after they finish work so I may get a lift with them and stay for an hour at most.

I also can't wait to have my eyebrows waxed at the weekend. They are long overdue and need tidying up. It's only £6 which isn't alot in the grand scheme of things and it will be another thing to make me feel better about myself.

All bank accounts have been revised and are up to date as they should be. I'm really loving the Monzo bank account as it tells me straight away what I've spent, where I have and what funds are left. It splits things into categories which is easier for me to see where my money is going. I use this account for surplus funds each month, for any other expenses that are not already budgeted for. I'd highly recommend it to people as you can also create pots on it for different things.

My entertainment fund still sits at full capacity. I budget £200 per month for this to cover all activities for me and the boy and for any socialising that I do myself. Some months I don't come close to the limit, other times I may only have a small amount left. It depends on what we are doing or where we go. As half term is looming, I'm trying to hold back to leave some funds for that week. I'm going to try plan ahead and source out low cost activities/days out. We have annual passes for our local theme park so we can visit there one day. We just need to pick up our passes and then this means we have plenty of day's out planned for the rest of the year. The boy loves theme parks and we've had these passes for the last three years and they've always been well used. It helps that we only live a 10/15 minute walk away and can go there for a few hours whenever we feel like it. We always take a picnic with us.

The boy makes me laugh with money. I really need to be careful what I say. When we went for tea on Thursday, I gave him some money to buy a dessert, he bought the biggest cake going and myself and my friends ended up helping him eat it. He then reminded them that I'd paid for it all, I was a bit mortified. On Friday, another friend phoned to ask me if I could nip to the shops and get some food for her kids to eat at ice skating as we were there a long while. I didn't have time to nip to the shops so made up some sandwiches and took other snacks with us... the boy then reminded them it would have cost at least a fiver for everything we had bought with us.. I wanted the ground to swallow me up :rotfl:.

In some ways it's good because he is learning about the importance of money. If we go out anywhere, I'll take food/drink with us to save costs and he understands the reasons behind this. If we save in some areas, we can use the funds for others.

Another example is the other week, he wanted a rubix cube so I said I would buy one. So off he went to pick one. He then saw another and decided he wanted that. Once he opened he realised it wasn't an actual rubix cube and was more of a squishy/stress ball thing. I offered to go buy him the other but he said no and that it was a waste of money and it didn't matter. I did feel a bit guilty but he made me feel better by it. A lot of kids would have kicked up a fuss about having the wrong thing, he just seemed to shrug his shoulders and said we should have read the packaging properly, woops.

I hope I can instill some MSE ways into him and show him how to spend/save money wisely. I'm yet to start giving him pocket money and this will be something I'll look into soon. I'm thinking around £5 per week and it's up to him how he chooses to spend. He wants some things for his game but I've told him he has to earn it first. This shall be through completing homework and a couple of chores around the house. I think that's good enough. A small reward system for being the wonderful child he is.

I love him lots and he is my best friend. We are a team and stick together through anything and everything. He is my motivation to carry on and he inspires me with every little thing he does.

I'll leave this on a positive note. I'm going to try get some more shut eye before the day ahead.

Chandelier.

Morning,

So yesterday ended up on a positive note which was good.

I went and had my hair done at the hairdressers. I had a cut and colour done. All the colours in my hair go together really well. I have copper coloured roots which then blend into blond towards the end of my hair. I felt much better afterwards and it was nice to treat myself. I had a good chat with the hairdresser who is so lovely and understanding. She always does a great job. The total cost came to £44- money well spent as it has boosted my self esteem/confidence. The left over change from the £50 is sat in my purse and I'll just use that as and when needed if I need cash for something.

I then went and picked up my new green coat which I'm absolutely in love with. It's so bright and vibrant and it really suits me/shows my personality. I've had a couple of compliments on it already which made me feel even better for the purchase. I'm hoping this is it now for the whole treating myself thing.

I went for a meal last night and to the cinema with the guy I've been talking to/speaking about. Things seemed a lot more relaxed this time round and the conversation seemed to flow much easier.

We got two for one deals on both the cinema/restaurant we went to thanks to the meerkat deals. To access the deals I just bought a cheap insurance which cost £1.01 and I'm sure I'll get my use out of the offers over the next twelve months. I just need to make sure I don't go overboard now and go out to the cinema/eating all the time lol.

We had a Mexican meal which was really nice and mocktails- I couldn't drink as I was driving but it hit the spot! He paid for the meal and I paid for the cinema which was £12.89. It was only this much because I decided I wanted a drink and hadn't come prepared. I'll remember now for future visits after paying extortionate prices.

It was a half hour journey both ways to the venues last night so my car has had a good run. I may have to top up my petrol sooner then I thought but that's not a problem. The budget is there for that reason.

The guy is honestly really nice. Whilst we watched the film, he grabbed hold of my hand when it came to some sensitive parts which I was secretly grateful for as the film made me a bit teary. We watched three identical strangers and it was heartbreaking in some parts. It's definately worth a watch and I would recommend. It's more like a documentary but it's eye opening. Once the film had finished, it was way past my bedtime . We had a cheeky kiss before parting ways. I always feel awkward kissing someone new and it left me with a couple of butterflys in my tummy. He seems to be quite a shy, reserved person- maybe a bit of an introvert. Whereas I come across as an extrovert sometimes and I never run out of things to talk about. I think bit by bit, I may bring him out of his shell and he may have a calming influence on me. Who knows but he has suggested wanting to meet up again soon which I'm secretly happy about .

Once I got home, I was flat out asleep within an hour.

And then I had an early wake up call this morning. The boy came in to tell me he had a nosebleed and was worried I'd be angry as he got blood on his bedding. He worries about things like this too much and he said he didn't want to disturb me.

I had to get up anyway as I had an appointment at the doctors. The boy went to school, ready to play football to find it wasn't on. So I had to pop him into breakfast club so I could make my appointment.

My appointment went well and was for lung function tests after having three consecutive chest infections in a row. I was a bit worried what it may come back as but my tests all came back fine which is good news.

I've arranged to meet up for lunch with one of my nearest, dearest old school friends. We've picked a place which isn't too expensive and won't hurt the bank balance too much. I'll most likely spend a couple of hours with her catching up as we haven't seen each other in around two months. I miss her company.

The boy made a comment that I'm always going out lately and he wished he could join me and my friend today but couldn't as he had school. I think I'm going to get a takeaway dessert as a little surprise for him. These are massive cakes which are amazing and so tasty. It will more then likely last us both two days because they are that big.

I'm going to spend the rest of the morning chilling out and potter about. I may go sort a few things in my bedroom and put a washload on before I head out for the afternoon. I'm also going to send a few texts to friends and arrange a couple of catch ups. I need to stay busy.

So that is pretty much it. I'm feeling a bit less tense although my brain is still a bit foggy. The CPN from my mental health team should hopefully be back on Thursday and I'm hoping to arrange a catch up. I haven't seen her in over 6 weeks so it will be interesting to update her of current circumstances.

I may also chase payroll at some point as they are yet to get back to me and it's been two weeks now. It shouldn't take that long, surely? I feel like I keep getting fobbed off and told to ring back another time. Maybe I need to be a bit firmer.

So that is pretty much where I'm up to. I'm just plodding along and doing me for once.

Chandelier.

Evening,

It's been nearly a week since I last updated. The time seems to have just flown by before my eyes.

Money wise, it's not been too much of an expensive week. I've had a couple of NSDs here and there and I'm just watching my balances closely for now. I have around £175 left in my entertainment fund which I'm confident will last me the rest of the month. I need to factor in the costs of doing some activities over half term with the boy. I'm wanting to keep us busy but will also look out for low cost/spend free days out.

The rest of my week was swallowed up by the boys ice skating and me catching up with a couple of friends. I'm just trying to get out the house for some part of the day to take my mind off things.

The weekend was also a busy one. Me and the boy went swimming on Saturday which was free and then at the night, I went to my friends 50th. I didn't spend anything there as we were allowed one free drink from the bar and I didn't stay too long as I only went to show my face. I still had a good time though.

Yesterday I met up with the guy I've been talking to and we went for a walk out in the countryside which was nice. We then had a coffee afterwards before we parted ways. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much with the situation. He is quite a hard person to read but he tells me he enjoys my company which is surely a positive. Even if nothing comes of it, it's still a distraction for the time being and I'm having fun.

Today has been a chill out day and I've spent some of my time reading. I feel a bit more relaxed now and less tense. I think the time off is doing me good and allowing me to take a step back from things and reevaluate parts of my life.

Tomorrow I have arranged to go round to my friends house for a coffee and a catch up. I then need to attend an information meeting for a residential trip the boy might go on next year. I'll find out details/costs and work something out from there. I'm keen for the boy to go as he will have lots of fun, especially with his friends but he is worried that he will miss me too much. He is so sweet.

Anyway, payroll finally got back to me and I'm due some arrears payments that have been backdated and will be added to this months wage. It works out around an extra £160.. every little helps.

I might try get to the gym tomorrow and hopefully make a routine of it. I really want to get back into it and start shifting some weight. I need to gain back control of my diet as well as I'm just not eating properly and snacking far too much on the wrong foods. Sometimes it's like I can't win.

I have another appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday. I've decided that I'm going to write some things down including questions as I need some clarity on a few things. I'm not looking to change my medication but other things need to be put into place and I really need to push for it.

The boy is happy and doing well at everything he does. He has auditions for another ice skating show which he wants to do again. I need to fill in the forms for that and get them sent off. He is also doing an exam soon and a competition. I need to make payments for them before I forget. They are pricey but it's worth it. He always tries his best and that's all that matters.

That's pretty much it really for now. I haven't much else coming up or planned for this week, just the usual things. I need get myself into a routine whilst I'm off and use my time wisely whilst not overdoing it. I'm not thinking about work at the moment. I'm just concentrating on myself and that's all that matters.

Homegrown0

It's late but didn't want to read and run - sounds like you're making the most of being away from work. In glad it's giving you a chance to focus on yourself.

Sounds like your boy has lots of exciting things coming up!