Potential partners ‘Son’ - not sure what to do

Herongull

It sounds to me as if the relationship between her and ex-boyfriend must have been rocky towards the end and this is why he moved away (or was the trigger for him moving away).

It is completely understandable that she would see the boy as her son as she's been his mother since he was about two and be heartbroken that she can't see him regularly. But unless she formally adopted him, I doubt if she would get custody or access rights as the child is not hers.

In time, the boy's father will get a new girlfriend (or may have already done so) and she will become the boy's new mother.

I can't understand really why any of this should put you off continuing with the relationship with your new girlfriend if you get on together. She has been completely upfront with you over her situation and obviously requires support in going through a very difficult time.

If you like her and enjoy her company, why wouldn't want to help her though this? It will bring you closer together (assuming you are compatible).

I couldn't imagine the boy's father would ever invite you into his family - your girlfriend doesn't access to the boy so why on earth would he allow you (a complete stranger) near his son? It is a non-issue.

AJS321

Comms69 wrote: »

Sorry no advice for you, as it's a very personal decision.


For her, as she was a mum for more than 3 years, she's entitled to apply to the courts for contact arrangements and potentially for PR if she wanted to.

Thank you. I didn’t realise she could do that as they were never married.

AJS321

rach_k wrote: »

I'd be more scared of a person who was mum to a child for 4 years and then wasn't heartbroken when he was taken away. Is that the kind of person you want to be with? If so, find somebody else.

But she was heartbroken when they split up, and I’ve got the feeling she still is now.

AJS321

getmore4less wrote: »

Really, couldn't move for work reasons even if later with some planning.

A lot of lost baggage on this one.

I think it was mainly because she’d have to re-do her teaching qualifications if she moved up to Scotland with him. Plus she’s got friends and family around here in the area where they’d previously agreed they’d buy a house and settle down.

AJS321

unholyangel wrote: »

So they were such a happy hallmark family but the ex just decided with no discussion or planning beforehand to move across the country even if it broke up their family, lost him his wonderful relationship with the GF and his son his relationship with his "mum"? Theres really no jobs there she could have taken if they (ex and his son) meant that much to her?

I would suspect someone isn't being entirely truthful - perhaps about how things ended or how close they really were.

All I know is that they’d previously agreed to settle down here in the Midlands and that she was completely devastated when he decided to move back to Scotland. She tried to talk him out of it but he was very set in his ways.

Red-Squirrel_2

I don't have any advice I'm afraid but I'm a bit concerned that there might be enough information on here for somebody to identify the child, maybe somebody from the side of the family who aren't supposed to have information about him?

AJS321

Herongull wrote: »

It sounds to me as if the relationship between her and ex-boyfriend must have been rocky towards the end and this is why he moved away (or was the trigger for him moving away).

It is completely understandable that she would see the boy as her son as she's been his mother since he was about two and be heartbroken that she can't see him regularly. But unless she formally adopted him, I doubt if she would get custody or access rights as the child is not hers.

In time, the boy's father will get a new girlfriend (or may have already done so) and she will become the boy's new mother.

I can't understand really why any of this should put you off continuing with the relationship with your new girlfriend if you get on together. She has been completely upfront with you over her situation and obviously requires support in going through a very difficult time.

If you like her and enjoy her company, why wouldn't want to help her though this? It will bring you closer together (assuming you are compatible).

I couldn't imagine the boy's father would ever invite you into his family - your girlfriend doesn't access to the boy so why on earth would he allow you (a complete stranger) near his son? It is a non-issue.

Thank you. She hasn’t told me much about the precise circumstances in which he walked out and his motives for doing so. All I know is that she still hasn’t fully come to terms with it and that’s why I’m wondering whether she’s still got unresolved emotional baggage and if she’s rushing into another relationship too soon.

It does involve me and the boys father to a certain extent, because I could end up becoming his sons step father and he’ll no doubt have ideas about whether I’m someone he’s happy to have in his sons life.

But my main worry is that she’s still holding out a candle in vein hope that her ex will let her son come and stop with her during the school holidays when he’s shown no willingness to do that so her. She’s seen him 3 times in the last 12 months, he hasn’t stayed overnight and he only visits when his dad is going to be in town anyway.

I think her ex has moved on now and she needs to come to a realisation that her old family has ended now. She may feel sad about it and have lots of happy memories, but she doesn’t have a meaningful relationship with her son anymore, it’s unlikely she will in the future and her biggest priority needs to be accepting the facts and moving on as well.

I’m not saying that to try and get the boy out the way. Like I said earlier, I’d be happy to get to know and include him in a future family if things ever did work out that way, but in all honesty, I can’t see that happening.

AJS321

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

I don't have any advice I'm afraid but I'm a bit concerned that there might be enough information on here for somebody to identify the child, maybe somebody from the side of the family who aren't supposed to have information about him?

Good point. I think may have said too much already.

gettingtheresometime

Unless they were married then no you'd never become the son's step father.

I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say that there's unresolved issues regarding the breakup.

-taff

AJS321 wrote: »

This all ended when her ex all of a sudden decided to move to the other end of the country to be closer to her extended family and took his son with him.

I'm confused. Do you mean his extended family or hers?