Potential partners ‘Son’ - not sure what to do

AJS321

I’ve been speaking to some I met online through a dating website for a few weeks now and we’ve met in person for our first few actual dates. Going well so far, but just very unsure about one particular thing.

On her dating website profile she mentioned she has a six year old son and shared some photos of him. This I was fine with as I’ve always been open minded about dating a single parent and eventually gaining a step child. However, she’s decided to tell me the full back story regarding her ‘Son’. Apparently his biological mum has mental health problems and he was taken into care when he was a baby and his dad had to fight a long custody battle to get him out of the care system and he’s still not allowed to see his real mum.

She was in a relationship with his dad for 4 years until January this year, they got on well, he called her mum and having gone trough some old pictures on Facebook they looked like a happy family. This all ended when her ex all of a sudden decided to move to the other end of the country to be closer to her extended family and took his son with him. The person I’m dating now couldn’t move with them because of her work commitments so the relationship cane to an end.

The thing I’m worried about is that she still seems to think of this boy as her son. She was naturally heartbroken when his dad walked out and she was seen him since, but only very occasionally when her dad is visiting the area to see friends. It looks like to me as though he’s moved on and has no intention of letting them see each other on a regular basis or have a proper mother/son relationship. She gets very upset whenever she talks about him and I think she still hasn’t fully grasped that in all likelihood they never will be a family again.

I’ve already made it clear to her that I would be willing to count this boy as part of our family if we ever did settle down together, but this all has the potential to get very complicated in many different ways. Who knows what might happen if his real mum comes back on the scene, or if his dad isn’t too happy about me wanting to be part of his sons life.

I know families take many forms nowadays and each situation has to be judged on its own merits, and I do genuinely want to take things further relationship wise. But I honestly don’t know if I’m opening a very big can of worms regarding her ‘son’ and whether I should just walk away now.

Is anyone able to offer any advice?

Comms69

Sorry no advice for you, as it's a very personal decision.


For her, as she was a mum for more than 3 years, she's entitled to apply to the courts for contact arrangements and potentially for PR if she wanted to.

Barny1979

If you have doubts already, I would back away before any party is hurt or upset.

rach_k

I'd be more scared of a person who was mum to a child for 4 years and then wasn't heartbroken when he was taken away. Is that the kind of person you want to be with? If so, find somebody else.

maman

I can understand her attachment and wanting to be there for the child.

That's a four year relationship.

What I find hard to understand is that you've known the woman for a few weeks, met her once and getting so deeply involved. I'd just play it by ear if I were you. Enjoy each others company and don't get too serious too soon.

pickledonionspaceraider

I think you should walk away, based on your inability to see things as they are OP.


It would be strange if she wasn't attached to the child


You are the one with the problem here


Sorry but that's the way I see it - as you are already taking umbridge with it, so walk away - and grow up a bit before getting involved in an adult relationship again

getmore4less

Might be a good idea to fix, if it is a typo, "closer to her extended family".

getmore4less

Really, couldn't move for work reasons even if later with some planning.

A lot of lost baggage on this one.

Fireflyaway

I know I couldn't cope with a situation like this. No way am I trying to stigmatized entire groups of people but I want a quiet uncomplicated life which is why I personally decided not to date anyone who has been married or had kids.
This situation is tricky as it could pan out in many different ways. You could end up being a happy family or there could be constant upset between all parties involved. It has the potential to get really nasty.
I suppose coldly it comes down to how much risk you are prepared to take.

unholyangel

AJS321 wrote: »

She was in a relationship with his dad for 4 years until January this year, they got on well, he called her mum and having gone trough some old pictures on Facebook they looked like a happy family. This all ended when her ex all of a sudden decided to move to the other end of the country to be closer to her extended family and took his son with him. The person I’m dating now couldn’t move with them because of her work commitments so the relationship cane to an end.

So they were such a happy hallmark family but the ex just decided with no discussion or planning beforehand to move across the country even if it broke up their family, lost him his wonderful relationship with the GF and his son his relationship with his "mum"? Theres really no jobs there she could have taken if they (ex and his son) meant that much to her?

I would suspect someone isn't being entirely truthful - perhaps about how things ended or how close they really were.

Pollycat

unholyangel wrote: »

So they were such a happy hallmark family but the ex just decided with no discussion or planning beforehand to move across the country even if it broke up their family, lost him his wonderful relationship with the GF and his son his relationship with his "mum"? Theres really no jobs there she could have taken if they (ex and his son) meant that much to her?

I would suspect someone isn't being entirely truthful - perhaps about how things ended or how close they really were.

Yes, the bit in bold stands out.
"All of a sudden...".

AJS321 wrote: »

I’ve been speaking to some I met online through a dating website for a few weeks now and we’ve met in person for our first few actual dates. Going well so far, but just very unsure about one particular thing.

On her dating website profile she mentioned she has a six year old son and shared some photos of him. This I was fine with as I’ve always been open minded about dating a single parent and eventually gaining a step child. However, she’s decided to tell me the full back story regarding her ‘Son’. Apparently his biological mum has mental health problems and he was taken into care when he was a baby and his dad had to fight a long custody battle to get him out of the care system and he’s still not allowed to see his real mum.

She was in a relationship with his dad for 4 years until January this year, they got on well, he called her mum and having gone trough some old pictures on Facebook they looked like a happy family. This all ended when her ex all of a sudden decided to move to the other end of the country to be closer to her extended family and took his son with him. The person I’m dating now couldn’t move with them because of her work commitments so the relationship cane to an end.

The thing I’m worried about is that she still seems to think of this boy as her son. She was naturally heartbroken when his dad walked out and she was seen him since, but only very occasionally when her dad is visiting the area to see friends. It looks like to me as though he’s moved on and has no intention of letting them see each other on a regular basis or have a proper mother/son relationship. She gets very upset whenever she talks about him and I think she still hasn’t fully grasped that in all likelihood they never will be a family again.

I’ve already made it clear to her that I would be willing to count this boy as part of our family if we ever did settle down together, but this all has the potential to get very complicated in many different ways. Who knows what might happen if his real mum comes back on the scene, or if his dad isn’t too happy about me wanting to be part of his sons life.

I know families take many forms nowadays and each situation has to be judged on its own merits, and I do genuinely want to take things further relationship wise. But I honestly don’t know if I’m opening a very big can of worms regarding her ‘son’ and whether I should just walk away now.

Is anyone able to offer any advice?