Help ! 17yr old son going off the rails !

Pollycat

Deleted_User wrote: »

He's not on drugs or drinking alcohol as he rarely meets up with friends socially ...maybe two or three times a month

Are you 100% sure he's not on drugs or alcohol?
Or gambling?

[Deleted User]

He doesn't really know what he wants to do. He thinks he wants to go to Uni but knows that if he gets booted out of college or doesn't pass his exams he won't get in anyway. He's studying History, English and economics. We've sat down and had all the conversations in a calm manner...and as for him getting up in the night he was playing games until we took away his internet...now he sneaks downstairs and watches Netflix ! He's had a good upbringing. Done well in presents on birthdays and Xmas. We have realised that since a young age he never really finishes anything. He played football from aged 7 to 12 and gave it up. He played golf from 12 to 14 and gave it up. Cricket the same...and he was good at sport ! He started at a boxing club not three months ago and went for a few weeks and quit that. He's had 3 girlfriends since turning 15...two have been sexual relationships...alas all three girls dumped him around 6 months in. Around the house he has 3 jobs...walk the dog ...empty the dishwasher and keep his room tidy and we have to go on and on at him just to get these chores done otherwise they just wouldn't.

DCFC79

So its not like he doesnt want to go to uni.

Have you asked him what he will do if he decides not to go to uni, like whats his plan ?

Bigphil1474

My stepson was a moody sod in his teens (20 years ago!). Fortunately for him he found his schoolwork easy so didn't fail any exams, though he'd have done better if he tried. He would have a strop at our house (his mums) over nothing and little, and then go to his dads for a few days, then fall out over there and be back to ours. However, at 17 he told us he'd decided to join the air force, which he did. He completely changed within a few months and is now happily married with 2 kids, one of which is a teenage boy who seems to have inherited those stroppy genes.


Personally, unless he has some medical issue or is into potentially life affecting things (drugs/alcohol/gambling etc.), I'd make sure you keep reminding him you are there to support him and help him when you can. I'd definitely lock the wifi off so he can't watch Netflix in the middle of the night, but think about ways he can earn access to other things, or offer rewards for good behaviour. If he likes his sport, maybe tell him you'll treat him to tickets for a footie match or similar, if he bucks up.


My grandson likes Fortnite on the PS4, so if he has a bad week, the PS4 is confiscated, but if he has a good week he gets to keep the PS4 and access his money to buy add-ons that he likes. Works some of the time. He has recently been able to stay on his own for a weekend but he had to earn that with making sure his chores were done and he helped his mum when his dad was working away.


I remember when I was a kid in the early 1980's, my older brother being told by my dad that if he wanted to live under his roof he had to live by his rules - so he left. They've not really been close since.

Fireflyaway

I wonder if he is depressed? Unusual sleeping patterns and a lack of motivation are symptoms.
Does he have friends at college? If he feels alienated or doesn't feel a sense of achievement or can't see an end goal, that would explain why he is so complacent.
It's hard to get teenagers to express their feelings. He might be avoiding you or behaving in a way that causes you to not want to talk to him so he doesn't have to confront his feelings.
Maybe try to boost his confidence. What does he like? Can he follow an apprenticeship or a more vocational path? He might mustache feeling a bit lost.
Unless he is really out of order ( doing crime / drugs / violent ) I'd try to be understanding. I'm sure it frustrating but his apparent laziness might be the result of unhappiness.
My cousin became very depressed in his 20's. Turns out he felt a lot of pressure to succeed and do as well as his siblings. Nobody realised, it wasn't anyone's intention to pressure him.
Try to have a Frank conversation. Explain you are not cross but worried he is unhappy. Can you do something to help. Let him know he can talk to you If he wants.

pollypenny

Deleted_User wrote: »

He doesn't really know what he wants to do. He thinks he wants to go to Uni but knows that if he gets booted out of college or doesn't pass his exams he won't get in anyway. He's studying History, English and economics. We've sat down and had all the conversations in a calm manner...and as for him getting up in the night he was playing games until we took away his internet...now he sneaks downstairs and watches Netflix ! He's had a good upbringing. Done well in presents on birthdays and Xmas. We have realised that since a young age he never really finishes anything. He played football from aged 7 to 12 and gave it up. He played golf from 12 to 14 and gave it up. Cricket the same...and he was good at sport ! He started at a boxing club not three months ago and went for a few weeks and quit that. He's had 3 girlfriends since turning 15...two have been sexual relationships...alas all three girls dumped him around 6 months in. Around the house he has 3 jobs...walk the dog ...empty the dishwasher and keep his room tidy and we have to go on and on at him just to get these chores done otherwise they just wouldn't.

Hmmm, three really heavy essay writing subjects. If he's fallen behind he's going to struggle. There is a big jump in depth required after GCSE.

I agree with investigating whether he's depressed, got himself into an awkward situation of his own making, but can't see a way out so is using avoidance tactics.

Good luck.

gwynlas

I am really glad that you have come on here but we only have your side of the story, and you are lucky he is not reallyy going off the rails taking ddrugs and getting into trouble with the police/
I believe that the years between 16-25 are very difficult for many as they mark the passage from childhood to adulthood and all that involves.
I left home at 16 to attend catering college,was already working in a hotel but a number of my peers were very immature still living at home. I had a number of jobs in different areas until I started my long term career in mental health at 21, but always knew I had to support myself.
Where does your son fit within the family/siblings? Do you have any real life experience of different teenage behaviour?
Does he know what he wants to do workwise? Why doesn't he get a part time job outside the home? This would expose him to more of the real world where he would have to interact with others and give future employers a reference as to committment.
There are organisations out there that could provide him with a space to discuss his issues, parents however well meaning are often not the people their children want to open up to. Is there any form of counselling service at his college.
Try and get things organised as soon as possible so that he can at least attempt his A levels. In the meantime contiue to support him at home by insisting he continue with his chores and add to them by getting him to cook for the family at least once a week. He is transitioning to adulthood but age is not simply a birthday.

Grezz24

as much as you would like to control the situation it may be that the more you force and push the situation the more embedded in his ways he will become.

You have tried to take away access to the ps4/internet/netflix etc and thats not worked (although i do agree that hes old enough that this is past the point of going to work) To me this is the approach that will meet the most resistance.

You have tried the sit down and talking to him and thats not working. To me it sounds like hes bored.

Have you spoken to his friends (or closest friend) about what may be bothering him? You could suggest he speaks to someone else if he has concerns?

peachyprice

Deleted_User wrote: »

He doesn't really know what he wants to do. He thinks he wants to go to Uni but knows that if he gets booted out of college or doesn't pass his exams he won't get in anyway. He's studying History, English and economics.

And what is the college doing to encourage him?

By now he should know what courses he's interested in, be visiting open days and composing his personal statement. The deadline is 12th Jan.

Besides calling him out for his attendance are they encouraging him to look for courses, are they giving his support with his application, have they even told him there is a deadline? Have you looked at suitable courses and encouraged him to go to open days?

It's not too late for him to catch up with his courses, if he does want to go to uni, but it sounds like he needs someone to tell him he's capable and give him a helping hand. TBH, he sounds a bit lost, if nobody at college is giving him the encouragement to get himself to uni, what's the point in trying with his A levels.

System

So, a typical teenager then !!


Look. Don't drive a wedge between yourself and him, that's not what you want. He may need a year to see sense - I work in a college and there are hundreds just like him. Sometimes they need to get it out of their system, reset and then return when they are ready. This can take months, or years! There is nothing you can really do but ride it out with them and hope they make the right choices. Some make the right choices, others don't and then catch up, others don't and never do.


In my experience, nothing shakes up a teenager who's lost than a taste of what's to come IF they don't focus. Insist on a job - take them down to an agency and get them to work a factory job or what not. Give them a taste of real life. College is soft and not the real world by any stretch of the imagination - not going to college, get a job. Don't get a job, you must find alternative accommodation.