Help ! 17yr old son going off the rails !

sheramber

Have you considered that he might be suffering from depression?

SensibleSarah

I was a fairly horrible teen (to my parents at least), but was over the worst by 18. Pretty much failed my a-levels (got a U in one of them) but I wasn't planning on Uni anyway at the time - eventually went as a mature student in my mid-20s. My parents told me to get a job once I'd finished exams, which I did (warehouse minimum wage type - which in the late 90s was pretty much nothing per hour) for a few months until I made a better plan.
By the age of 20 I had grown up a bit, moved out, in fact moved 100 miles away, and was living totally independently from the bank of mum & dad. I just needed to get it out of my system and as soon as there were consequences that affected me, I got a grip and took some responsibility for my actions/decisions.

My older brother was mid-20s before he woke up and sorted himself out a bit (his girlfriend getting pregnant was the main factor) and now he's Mr responsible and very successful career-wise.

Sounds like your son just needs to make a few realisations himself - and it can be painful to watch - but the traditional route of Uni at 18 isn't for everyone. I'm sure he'll be fine!

svain

I appreciate mental illness is "on trend" at the moment ... but there is an element that is far too quick to search for depression as a reason for what is pretty normal behaviour. if this behaviour is a sign of depression then most teenagers would be diagnosed the same. It doesn't help the teenager or anyone who has/is suffering genuine depression

belfastgirl23

You might feel your son is going off the rails but how you’re talking about your son as a parent sounds a bit off the rails to me as well. This sounds like fairly standard teenage behaviour, in fact in some ways fairly tame teenage behaviour if he’s not drinking, taking drugs etc.

You talk about girls ‘dumping’ him, how his attitude ‘stinks’ and how he’s ‘bone idle’. If he is even picking up on one tenth of the attitude of what you’re saying here I can see why he’s not motivated to do much to please you. And while we’re on it, giving up football after FIVE years isn’t exactly not sticking to something. There is no law to say you have to take up one sport and only do it forever.

He’s almost 18 and he needs to learn about the importance of sleep and going to college but clearly he’s not going to learn it from listening to you (otherwise it would have worked already) he needs to learn from making mistakes and living with the consequences. Is there any way you can let that happen?

Honestly too I’d say you need to look at yourself. What is it about this situation that’s winding you up? Is it that you’re financially supporting him (in which case, withdraw any but essential funding and let him calmly know that you are only willing to financially support him if he’s a student, if he isn’t he needs to fund himself). Is it that you hate your own work and are resentful of him having time that you don’t? Is it that you’re worried about the social shame of having a child not go to university? If you can see past your son as to why his behaviour is impacting you so much that would be a good start. As children get older you can’t control them any more and it sounds to me like this is something you need to learn. I’ve seen this happen so many times, particularly with eldest children where parents need to learn how to let go and how to build and use influence rather than exert control.

I know I’m judging you a bit harshly here and it is not an easy situation but in the end the only person you can actually control is yourself. The only emotions you can really change are your own. Maybe you need to model restraint for your son??

SuperPikachu

svain wrote: »

I appreciate mental illness is "on trend" at the moment ... but there is an element that is far too quick to search for depression as a reason for what is pretty normal behaviour. if this behaviour is a sign of depression then most teenagers would be diagnosed the same. It doesn't help the teenager or anyone who has/is suffering genuine depression

I think there is a difference between a moody teenager and somebody doing what the OP says.

I think it is definitely better to err on the side of being over cautious with peoples mental health too bearing in mind I knew multiple people who have committed suicide for seemingly VERY trivial things in their life and then seen what that has done to their families. I'm not trying to scare the OP but it needs to be taken seriously

Sunshinesally

Perhaps he needs some career inspiration. What job would he love so much that he would pay to do it? Personally, I wouldn't bother studying either if I didn't have an end goal, I'd have zero motivation. Could he visit a careers fair? Or get some career coaching? Do work experience? Get a higher apprenticeship instead of going to uni?

[Deleted User]

He has plenty of friends at college and is popular with them. He's not lacking in confidence either especially in asking the females out...he's way more savvy at this than I was when 17 ! I forgot to add that he has a part time job in Morrisons which he's happy with especially the extra money. We still have to wake him sometimes to go to his job...if we didn't he just wouldn't make it. Perhaps we should take a step back and just let him get on with it all and ride it out...he doesn't seem motivated to do anything. As parents our jobs are primary school teacher (mum) and I'm now a support worker and ex pro musician, he loves music but refused to learn an instrument which I found surprising as he'd grown up with music around him all the time !
He's definitely not on drugs, drink or gambling and he's pretty clued up on the dangers of these...even when he attends parties he's sensible.

tacpot12

I discovered alcohol in my second year of college and stopped attending most of my classes. I nearly failed my A-levels, which was the wake-up call I needed. I scraped into University and worked hard to get my degree. I've now retired early after 30 years without ever being unemployed.

Your son may be playing up because you are not giving him the space to grow into adulthood. If you are sure he is not depressed or in some kind of trouble, I would take time off from worrying about him. He'll figure it out, and if he doesn't, there won't be a thing you can do about it, so why worry?

[Deleted User]

thanks everyone for chipping in...me and the mrs are going to chat and read the replies together and see where we go

triple_choc_chip

Your first post could have been my son 3 years ago. He’d loved school but hated college and attended less and less until at Easter he refused to return. Same attitude at home, and too much on the pc and ps4. On the last week of the summer term he decided to return to the school’s sixth form which meant restarting in the year below. It was a slow and painful decision making process but he had to make it himself. Anyhow, that was the best thing and he got 3 ‘A’s in his A levels and is now enjoying 1st term at Uni studying economics.
Some of his original friends bailed from Uni last year and some that started this year and now we both agree it was better to have blipped at 17 yrs than at 19-20 yrs.
Stay calm, patient, non-judgemental and always be encouraging and willing to talk (even though he won’t want to until he’s ready). Your suggestions won’t get an instant response but he will be absorbing them. I sincerely hope your eventual outcome will be as positive as ours.
TCC