Men and family breakup

stormshield

OK, finally got the guts to post this, I'm currently under a second username incase my wife is reading.

We are currently undergoing divorce having been separated for the previous four months. we have finally got contact sorted I think although she is still being a bit aukward on some things. I can handle her been aukward on other things but not my kids, they are my life even if I didn't show it as much as I should....

Is there anywhere where dads can go to get help? I have a total of two friends in the whole world both of which have been amazing and I am so glad I have them or I honestly don't think I'd be here today. My parents and me don't see eye to eye and I have tried sorting things out but it's just not happening

I sit on my sofa, and cry most nights and days if I'm not at work, I cry on my way to work in the car for stupid reasons, I've had people pull me over and sit me down at work and question me about it... my work is slipping and I'm ending up in a lot of trouble because I can't keep my mind on the job resulting in me becoming worried I might loose my job....

I hardly see my kids anymore and I miss them dearly, my wife says she isn't trying to stop me seeing them and indeed I went to a birthday party of one of them the other week but now I worry how I'm going to cope with Christmas.......

I'm paying most of the money I have in CSA which I dont mind because although I know it's too high, I know it's going to my kids, I've gone and got the cheapest place in the town I live but I still dont have enough money to go anywhere or do anything with the kids, last month I just sat in on my own for pretty much the whole month.


Any ideas? I've joined Families need Fathers but that seems to take a while to come through because of payment etc, I'm just wondering if there might be other people who feel like me that I can talk to?


Please help

CelticStar

Oh, I feel so sad reading your post, my heart really goes out to you, Stormshield. I know that life must seem so tough at the moment but can I just congratulate you on all the efforts you are making with your children - both financially and contact wise. I have never had much contact with my own biological father (although I was deeply lucky in having a wonderful grandfather) and many fathers abandon their children when they leave a relationship so all I would say is that as long as you are there for your children and contribute towards their upkeep - although I know it's a struggle - you are doing everything that is necessary. Kids don't really need lots of expensive things, just love, support and someone to listen and pay attention to them.

I know that you are probably feeling lonely due to the break up of your marriage but, in time, you will move on and make a new life. Just about everyone has to deal with break ups and we have all survived and started again at some point. Hang in there, try not to get so upset (perhaps you need to speak to a professional counsellor or perhaps speak to your GP in case you are depressed) so that you can keep your job - which for both you and your children is essential.

Take care and please let me know how you are getting on.

CelticStar

mkbean

http://dads-uk.co.uk/

tanith

Your post sounds like you could do with a shoulder to cry on , have you been to see your GP ? maybe some conselling would help..

One thing did strike me reading your post , you say you hardly see your children anymore, why not? do you have them at weekends? Spending time with them need not necessarily cost money just a walk in the park and playing with them will help cement your relationship with them and tell them that you might not live in the same house anymore but you are still part of their lives.... and it will help you too...... good luck...

snowmaid

There are many different reasons for divorce and many times one is dealing with raw, hurt emotion. The most difficult thing when getting divorced is to maintain a healthy balance where the children are concerned.

One cannot force a couple to stay together but if you and your wife have truly worked at it, and I mean REALLY worked at it, then you have to part separate ways, but be united as far as your children are concerned.

Parents have to remember, that while there may have been cases of assault etc, in general, the children will love BOTH parents (even in cases of assault children still love the abusive parent).

Divorce is a time where one has to think of the kids, give access to the other parent to see the children. NEVER run down the other parent, even if you are right. If the other parent has been wrong, the child would see that as they grow up. It is so important for the other parent to remain in contact. My ex and I have had xmas together with our respective 2nd spouses, kids etc. We are going on holiday to SA where we will be staying with my ex and his wife. It is not easy in the beginning, but with time you can have a wonderful relationship and your children will benefit so much from it.

I am not talking about cases of extreme assault etc where access has to be limited.

If anyone on these posts are getting divorced, please consider the children and NEVER use them as a weapon against the other because I promise you, you WILL be the loser.

cazziebo

Don't know that I - or anyone else can help. The pain you are going through is natural - but as one of the other posters has said - it will get better. You'll survive this and you will move on. I know it's very difficult right now (because I've been there) but you have to focus on you and your relationship with the children. Your relationship with the ex seems more amicable than most at this stage - well done for that.

Look after yourself - eat well, treat yourself, be kind to yourself, have some me time.

Do people at work know what's going on? Are you able to tell anyone? If they understood the circumstances then, unless they are really horrible, they will cut you some slack. If they see performance/attitude issues and don't understand the underlying issues then the situation could get messier.

Can I reiterate snowmaid's point about the children - they have to love and be loved by both parents. Try to protect them during this.

Thinking of you
x

belfastgirl23

Don't have anything to say that's helpful on the bigger problem but do you think you might be clinically depressed? It might be worth seeing your doc for some advice. It is a very upsetting time and it's totally understandable that you would be feeling very low but from what you've described it might be a bit beyond that? You will know best yourself but it wouldn't do any harm to get yourself checked out.

Good luck!

shallowpockets

Hi Stormshield

I felt really sad reading your post and it stopped and made me think about how a father feels when losing his children. You don't go into the reason why you have decided to end your marriage, and why it is that you don't see the children so much.

I would reiterate Celticstar's point that children don't need expense spent on them, just attention. What about just helping them with their homework or get some good old fashioned board games to play with them, even playing cards is fun - yes, it might seem a bit odd to them at first if they aren't used to you playing with them in this way but they will soon start to look forward to your time together.

I hope that things work out for you and sorry I couldn't offer you any more advice. Take care.

lindens

You sound just like my ex-Oh did when we first separated, people take it and cope in different ways. In the end he was so bad he crashed his lorry:eek: and that was when he was forced into seeing GP and doing something about it. He had 3 weeks off work as he was suspended afer the crash,as he was HGV driver he didnt want to take medication for his depression so took st johns wort. luckily he had worked for his boss for many years, and he still got full pay and his boss took no action. he went back to work after about a month and was much better.
What I am trying to say is dont let something happen like a crash before you do something about it. It's nothing to be ashamed of, your whole world as you know it has fallen apart basically. Go to your GP, take time off if necessary, take medication if you GP thinks thats thr ight thing to do.
And it will get better even if it doesnt feel like it right now.
I also echo that the kids will be happy to spend time with you, it doesnt have to cost much money.

tutancamun

I'm sorry I can't be of any help to you, but I just wanted to send you a virtual (((hug))).

I really hope (and believe) things will begin to look better soon. Thank goodness for your 2 friends - you're lucky to have them, lots of people can't honestly say they have 2 real friends.

stormshield

Because I work shifts, I work a lot of weekends and for obvious reasons I struggle to have them during the week. Im not not seeing them because of money, I would sit and play with them in the house if it came to it, just that it's really not an ideal situation, and I worry that because all their toys and stuff is at mums house they prefer to be there.

Me and my wife were getting on reasonably until the other week when it was decided by both of us that we couldn't find a way back from the separation and I know I've got to expect her to be aukward but I have been told we may have to sort other arrangements regarding christmas hence me worrying about it. It's not as if I can have them after christmas because I'm working from Boxing day onwards.

I don't want to see the GP (my wife urged me to go see him) in case he does something daft like sign me off work, yes I'd be able to see my kids during that time but work wise that might be the final nail in the coffin, my manager and their manager both know the situation but don't care.


Many many thanks to mkbean for the link, I'll have a look round when I'm feeling up to it :cheesy: