So sick of the family (Looong post)

Dan_Thunder

Maybe you could both put together a united front and simply tell your partner's mother that she will not be allowed to see her grandchild until she cleans up her act. If she doesn't want to then you haven't really lost anything of value, but on the other hand it may be a catalyst for her to pull her finger out.

stas4949

First of all Hugs to you......

This should be a really happy time for you, when you should be thinking about yourself.....

I cut my real dad out of my life and it was the best thing I ever did.... He never showed an interest in me when he split from my mum (when I was 8 years old) and despite numerous attempts from myself to build a realationship with him I had to accept he clearly wasn't interested.... Also he felt he was too young to be a grandad and therefore has only seen DS1 once when he was 2 (he's now 13!) and has never seen DS2.... I was very much a daddy's girl and although it was a very hard decision I've never regretted it.... The funny thing is we had a little thing going where he would call me then the next month I would call him, I didn't do my turn and therefore he hasn't called me! been 2 years now and no attempt lol not even to check I'm ok! Yeah it hurts, at first, but you wouldn't let your friends treat you like that so why let your family!!!!!!!

I also don't speak to my brother anymore due to his very strange and nasty girlfriend but lets not go there lol

You do what you need to do for you and your family, why bother getting stressed about them as they clearly couldn't give a damn about you x

custardy

another vote for cutting them off.
cut my family off about 8 years ago for a few reasons and it was the best move i ever made.

lifes much easier as in my case they were a drain rather than any form of support

aurora_borealis_2

Here's what happens when you're a grown up.
Since you're about to be a mother, you definitely qualify.


... You don't have to do anything you don't want to. It's great!

paddy's_mum

Not wishing to 'knock' Dan Thunder in any way whatever, but if my MiL experience is anything to go by, this mother-in-law will simply not be able to clean up her act. It would appear (an educated guess and a little information) that the woman is somehow sick (in mind, or soul perhaps) and will simply see being told what's what as yet another stick to beat jbbonce and Mr bonce with.

A very difficult situation but if she is that much of a danger to herself, and to others incidentally, whether they be her neighbours or rescuing firemen, you might be wise indeed to sever just about any contact. Jibes, taunts or cruel comments can't kill you - a totally careless "accidental" housefire, or the dropping of a new-born by a drunken grandmother, or food poisoning by a woman totally devoid of standards of hygiene - sure as hell can!

jbbonce

Thanks so much for all of the useful and non-judgemental replies. You have given me a lot to think about. It is reassuring to hear that there are other people around like my MIL, and that not every family is as perfect as it would seem. I am starting to think that maybe DH and I are 'enabling' MIL to carry on as she is.

What some posters have said about my dad is very interesting, and i am grateful to see it from perspectives i had not considered before. I suppose a certain amount of what i can't bear about him could be a generational thing, not his intentional actions, but his awkwardness and inability to express his feelings and stand up to his 2nd wife.

I am still not sure what to do for the best with him. I get the impression that he is intending to come and visit when the baby is born and i just dont want him around. I barely know him, and when i see him i always feel i have to prove myself to him, to prove that i am not the loser he thinks i am. When the baby is born, i won't be able to do that, i will want DH and I to be able to dedicate our time and attention to her.

I'm not sure how i can tell my father that he is not welcome to visit his grandaughter, at least for the first few months. If i tell him he can't, i will have to tell him why, and i can't do that, i cant get the message across. I have tried in the past, and he has refused to listen.

sooz

tell him that you and your OH firmly believe in attachment parenting, and will be spending the first six months both naked and both breastfeeding (your daughter needs to bond with her father, and a nipple's a nipple), and will have no visitors.

most fathers would run a mile

jbbonce

paddy's_mum wrote: »

if my MiL experience is anything to go by, this mother-in-law will simply not be able to clean up her act.

That is very perceptive of you. I think you are exactly right. I truly believe that MIL will never clean up her act because she doesn't want to. In her own twisted way she is happy to drink and smoke herself to death.

Withholding the baby will not be any kind of incentive to her because she's really not interested in the baby at all. Whenever we have tried to get her to sort herself out, she just cries and says we are being mean to her, or blames someone or something else for her mistakes. She has made virtually no effort to get in touch with SIL in all these years.

The more i think about it, the more i agree, she is a hazard to all of our health, physical and mental. She has ruined her life but she does not need to ruin ours any more.

jbbonce

sooz wrote: »

tell him that you and your OH firmly believe in attachment parenting, and will be spending the first six months both naked and both breastfeeding (your daughter needs to bond with her father, and a nipple's a nipple), and will have no visitors.

most fathers would run a mile

I love it. I expect you were joking but i think a variation on that could actually work in this case. He already knows i intend to breastfeed and use reusable nappies so it is not too much of a stretch.

Maybe i could also get away with turning the phones off because the baby was sleeping 3 sundays out of 4?

sooz

Not really. Everytime my dad would come over, unannouced, I'd get a boob out. He'd suddenly remember he had to be somewhere else!



EDIT....I was breastfeeding at the time, not just flashing at my dad!