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So sick of the family (Looong post)
jbbonce
Posts: 256 Forumite
I know this thread is ridiculously long and completely self indulgent, but i don’t have anyone to talk to about this in my real life and i want to have a good old moan, and hopefully get some good advice. I am so sick of certain members of my family that it is affecting my sleep and making me very stressed. I have taken to lying (pretending our land line has been disconnected) to avoid contact with them.
Our first baby (a girl) is due next month and I am thinking of cutting all ties with some of our relatives in order to protect the baby from such negative influences, and I want to know if i am overreacting, or if my husband is right and we should just cut them out completely.
The baddies are:
Mother in law
A chain smoking alcoholic. Retired, divorced, lives alone,perfect health. She treated her own daughter so badly that they havent spoken for 15 years. Even though their parents were loaded and MIL was a housewife, when my DH and SIL were growing up, MIL could not be bothered to buy them clothes that fitted or wash their clothes. Both DH and SIL were bullied at school because of it, and both have lifelong issues stemming from this and the fact that mil would get so drunk that she would fall down the stairs of their 4 storey house and forget what she had done, and (falsely) accuse their dad of beating her up.
MIL is now 67 and when we announced our pregnancy to her, her response was 'I'm too young to be a grandmother'. She has shown no interest in her grandchild and does not even ask after the baby (or me or DH) when she contacts us.
We went to visit her in september, and despite the fact that we gave her a months' notice of our visit, she could not be bothered to clean up.The house was absolutely disgusting, with dirt, dust, ash and even poo, everywhere. We had to clean up before we could even sit down, and she smoked all over me, despite promising she wouldnt. After we got back home, my husband told her that he was disappointed about the hygeine levels of her flat, especially since we gave her ample notice of when we were coming, and after a four hour drive straight from work, we did not expect to have to clean up for her.
She didnt have much to say for herself, but on my dh's birthday, a letter arrived from her, no card, no present, not a mention of his birthday or me or the baby, but a 17 page letter saying that it was the window cleaner's fault the house was a mess (?) and that she was very angry at DH for not doing
chores for her, and a list of all the things she wanted but could not afford. She was basically blaming DH for everything that is wrong in her life. DH decided then that he wasnt sure if he ever wanted to talk to her again, and hasnt spoken to her since. she phoned aggressively for one weekend, then left a message on my mobile asking how dare i not make DH phone her.
Every phone call and every visit is agony. She gets drunk, makes meals with broken glass and fag ends in, serves turkey that is still frozen for christmas dinner. She makes any occasion something to dread, and has ruined every christmas DH and I have had together.
The only reason i have any doubt whatsoever about cutting mil out completely is that DH and I are the last people who still talk to her. If we dont talk to her anymore, no-one will.
Dad
My dad insists on calling every Sunday at 5.30. If i am not in, he doesnt try another day or another time, he just waits until the next week. I am absolutely certain that he dosent actually want to talk to me, he just wants to have spoken to me. He is not remotely interested in my life, having chosen his stepfamily and his hobbies and his job over me years ago. He doesnt listen to what i say and tries to tell me what i think about things. The thing with my dad is, he doesnt really do anything offensive, but I feel talking to him is just a charade and i get nothing out of it apart from a dread of Sunday afternoons. I often cry after talking to him because it is quite traumatic to have to be reminded every week how he prefers his stepfamily and my brother to me, and how little he knows me. DH says why continue to talk to dad if it upsets me? And tbh, i dont care about him enough to try and fix the relationship, i dont want any kind of confrontation or resolution, i would rather just never hear from him again but without any hostility between us. The issue is, he and his awful wife have shown quite an interest in the pregnancy. They do both dote on my step niece and have talked about my baby and the step niece (11) spending time together, which i absolutely will not allow, as the stepniece’s mother’s family have a history of violence and sexual abuse, and i refuse to allow our baby to encounter people like that.
If i lose contact with my dad, as an added bonus, i will also be able to lose contact with my brother and paternal grandmother, who also give me nothing but upset when i speak to them.
Brother
My brother is so vitriolic about our mother and hero worships our father to such an extent that I cannot bear to be around him. He and i have nothing in common and we only speak once a year as it is, so no great loss there.
Paternal Grandmother
Always plays her offspring and grandchildren off against each other, and has favourites, and !!!!!es about everyone in the family. She and my late grandfather have always considered me a bit of a joke, and when i 1st introduced DH to them, they spent the whole visit criticising me and making fun of me to dh. When she had an operation earlier this year, i was the only family member who could be bothered to go and look after her, even though i was studying for my final exams and pregnant at the time. She did not even offer to help me with the train fare to visit her, despite blowing £2000 that month on luxuries and made it clear that the reason i was able to visit her was because i was the only one whose time is worthless. A happy marriage, a degree and a pregnancy mean nothing compared to the other grandchildren’s achievement of wealth and consumer lifestyles. DH thinks she is the worst of the lot and calls her the evil old witch.
DH’s Aunt
MIL’s sister. No kids, extremely wealthy. Late 50s. When we announced the pregnancy, she offered to buy us a newer car as the old one was too small for a baby car seat. We gratefully accepted. Only when we had the car did she decide it was a loan rather than a gift, and she wanted monthly repayments. Not an outrageous crime, i know, but if we’d have known it was a loan rather than a gift, we would have not bought the car because we have been trying to get out of debt instead of further into it.
After we got the car, she started showing her true colours, using the loan as a way of forcing us into doing things for her, like helping her move house one night after work when she lives 3 hours away, and could easily afford to pay someone to do it. She moved back to her house in france, and then asked if she could have a parcel delivered to our house. Ok we said, and since then we have discovered that she has actually been using our address for credit card applications, insurance purposes etc. this morning she got a letter from a debt recovery agency at our address saying she will be taken to the county court if she does not pay her £83 debt. She can easily afford to pay it, but thinks she can get away without paying because she lives abroad. Both DH and I would dearly love to cut her out of our lives but we cannot afford to pay back the £1950 she gave us in one go, and fear she might try and take us to court about it if we don’t do what she wants. She sort of has proof that it was a loan, because we agreed in an email to pay her back at a certain amount each month. We don’t know what to do about her really.
All i want to do is to protect the baby from people who will cause her stress, whether it is direct by letting her down, or indirect by upsetting her parents. I am not trying to use her as a pawn or anything, she will have plenty of other people such as my mum, stepdad and stepgrandparents DH’s dad, stepmum, sister and stepfamily who will love and care for her. Please give me some advice because i just want to do what is best for our baby.
Our first baby (a girl) is due next month and I am thinking of cutting all ties with some of our relatives in order to protect the baby from such negative influences, and I want to know if i am overreacting, or if my husband is right and we should just cut them out completely.
The baddies are:
Mother in law
A chain smoking alcoholic. Retired, divorced, lives alone,perfect health. She treated her own daughter so badly that they havent spoken for 15 years. Even though their parents were loaded and MIL was a housewife, when my DH and SIL were growing up, MIL could not be bothered to buy them clothes that fitted or wash their clothes. Both DH and SIL were bullied at school because of it, and both have lifelong issues stemming from this and the fact that mil would get so drunk that she would fall down the stairs of their 4 storey house and forget what she had done, and (falsely) accuse their dad of beating her up.
MIL is now 67 and when we announced our pregnancy to her, her response was 'I'm too young to be a grandmother'. She has shown no interest in her grandchild and does not even ask after the baby (or me or DH) when she contacts us.
We went to visit her in september, and despite the fact that we gave her a months' notice of our visit, she could not be bothered to clean up.The house was absolutely disgusting, with dirt, dust, ash and even poo, everywhere. We had to clean up before we could even sit down, and she smoked all over me, despite promising she wouldnt. After we got back home, my husband told her that he was disappointed about the hygeine levels of her flat, especially since we gave her ample notice of when we were coming, and after a four hour drive straight from work, we did not expect to have to clean up for her.
She didnt have much to say for herself, but on my dh's birthday, a letter arrived from her, no card, no present, not a mention of his birthday or me or the baby, but a 17 page letter saying that it was the window cleaner's fault the house was a mess (?) and that she was very angry at DH for not doing
chores for her, and a list of all the things she wanted but could not afford. She was basically blaming DH for everything that is wrong in her life. DH decided then that he wasnt sure if he ever wanted to talk to her again, and hasnt spoken to her since. she phoned aggressively for one weekend, then left a message on my mobile asking how dare i not make DH phone her.
Every phone call and every visit is agony. She gets drunk, makes meals with broken glass and fag ends in, serves turkey that is still frozen for christmas dinner. She makes any occasion something to dread, and has ruined every christmas DH and I have had together.
The only reason i have any doubt whatsoever about cutting mil out completely is that DH and I are the last people who still talk to her. If we dont talk to her anymore, no-one will.
Dad
My dad insists on calling every Sunday at 5.30. If i am not in, he doesnt try another day or another time, he just waits until the next week. I am absolutely certain that he dosent actually want to talk to me, he just wants to have spoken to me. He is not remotely interested in my life, having chosen his stepfamily and his hobbies and his job over me years ago. He doesnt listen to what i say and tries to tell me what i think about things. The thing with my dad is, he doesnt really do anything offensive, but I feel talking to him is just a charade and i get nothing out of it apart from a dread of Sunday afternoons. I often cry after talking to him because it is quite traumatic to have to be reminded every week how he prefers his stepfamily and my brother to me, and how little he knows me. DH says why continue to talk to dad if it upsets me? And tbh, i dont care about him enough to try and fix the relationship, i dont want any kind of confrontation or resolution, i would rather just never hear from him again but without any hostility between us. The issue is, he and his awful wife have shown quite an interest in the pregnancy. They do both dote on my step niece and have talked about my baby and the step niece (11) spending time together, which i absolutely will not allow, as the stepniece’s mother’s family have a history of violence and sexual abuse, and i refuse to allow our baby to encounter people like that.
If i lose contact with my dad, as an added bonus, i will also be able to lose contact with my brother and paternal grandmother, who also give me nothing but upset when i speak to them.
Brother
My brother is so vitriolic about our mother and hero worships our father to such an extent that I cannot bear to be around him. He and i have nothing in common and we only speak once a year as it is, so no great loss there.
Paternal Grandmother
Always plays her offspring and grandchildren off against each other, and has favourites, and !!!!!es about everyone in the family. She and my late grandfather have always considered me a bit of a joke, and when i 1st introduced DH to them, they spent the whole visit criticising me and making fun of me to dh. When she had an operation earlier this year, i was the only family member who could be bothered to go and look after her, even though i was studying for my final exams and pregnant at the time. She did not even offer to help me with the train fare to visit her, despite blowing £2000 that month on luxuries and made it clear that the reason i was able to visit her was because i was the only one whose time is worthless. A happy marriage, a degree and a pregnancy mean nothing compared to the other grandchildren’s achievement of wealth and consumer lifestyles. DH thinks she is the worst of the lot and calls her the evil old witch.
DH’s Aunt
MIL’s sister. No kids, extremely wealthy. Late 50s. When we announced the pregnancy, she offered to buy us a newer car as the old one was too small for a baby car seat. We gratefully accepted. Only when we had the car did she decide it was a loan rather than a gift, and she wanted monthly repayments. Not an outrageous crime, i know, but if we’d have known it was a loan rather than a gift, we would have not bought the car because we have been trying to get out of debt instead of further into it.
After we got the car, she started showing her true colours, using the loan as a way of forcing us into doing things for her, like helping her move house one night after work when she lives 3 hours away, and could easily afford to pay someone to do it. She moved back to her house in france, and then asked if she could have a parcel delivered to our house. Ok we said, and since then we have discovered that she has actually been using our address for credit card applications, insurance purposes etc. this morning she got a letter from a debt recovery agency at our address saying she will be taken to the county court if she does not pay her £83 debt. She can easily afford to pay it, but thinks she can get away without paying because she lives abroad. Both DH and I would dearly love to cut her out of our lives but we cannot afford to pay back the £1950 she gave us in one go, and fear she might try and take us to court about it if we don’t do what she wants. She sort of has proof that it was a loan, because we agreed in an email to pay her back at a certain amount each month. We don’t know what to do about her really.
All i want to do is to protect the baby from people who will cause her stress, whether it is direct by letting her down, or indirect by upsetting her parents. I am not trying to use her as a pawn or anything, she will have plenty of other people such as my mum, stepdad and stepgrandparents DH’s dad, stepmum, sister and stepfamily who will love and care for her. Please give me some advice because i just want to do what is best for our baby.
:j Baby bonce was born on Christmas morning after a ridiculously short labour and no pain relief! If only losing the baby weight was as easy!:T
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Comments
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Good god, baby or no baby on the way, I'm not sure some of these people as you have described them are a positive influence.
(1) MIL sounds similar in some aspects to my mother. I cut ties years ago. She lives next door to my Dad (actually, biological grandfather, but he's just Dad to me since he raised me from birth), so there have been occasions where she grabs the phone from him when I call - but I just ignore her. Getting into an argument with these people is not good for one's mental health.
It is one thing that your DH had an unhappy childhood owing to her actions - what baffles me is that MIL still blames him for x,y,z. If she had any sense of responsibility, she should admit that his upbringing was not ideal, seek help (i.e., go to her G.P, get a referral to counselling, take medication if necessary) and try to make amends. The situation will obviously not be forgotten, but an acknowledgement and apology would at least be a start.
It is really not your problem that her actions have alienated others. Maybe a wake-up call in the form of nobody speaking to her is what she needs.
Will end up typing a novel if I comment on the others, so I'll leave it at that. Best of luck.'We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. '
-- T. S. Eliot0 -
!!!!{HUGS}}} jbbonce..
please dont let these people ruin your time being pregnant.. try to enjoy this exciting time with your DH..
my family also drive me insane.. while they all seem to care there is major issues.. my mum and MIL dont get on.. they both want to be 'top nan' and use my kids as possessions to be fought over! my mum hates my OH and it causes al ot of problems at xmas/b-days etc.
i have learnt to just concentrate on MY family i.e kids and OH and let everyone elses problems be exactly that!!
sam xx£608.98
£80
£1288.99
£85.90
£154.980 -
WOW
I think you and your OH should congratulate yourselves on being normal amongst that lot. :j
I suggest you call screen, ignore his mother and her letters, and with the old witch who's using your address, return all letters to sender, with 'never lived at this address...but can be found (insert french address) here'0 -
Cut them off at the knees, If your friends were behaving like your relatives, would you tolerate their behaviour?
Just because you are related to them does not mean that you are duty bound to have them in your lives.
I have cut off a few relatives, and many 'friends' over the years and my life is so much better for it. I would also look at re-paying the loan as quickly as possible, and any bills arriving in her name, write "return to sender, then insert correct address in France, CCs are expensive enough with out the fraudsters, and as usual the honest end up paying for the shisters
I cant be false with people I dont like, unless its work related, and then I am getting paid to tolerate them.0 -
Whilst there certainly appears to be a lot of issues in the family, which I'm sure a lot of people can offer sound advice on, it does also sound like you have some serious problems with your self-esteem.
It's not a criticism of you but from what I've read it may be worth discussing with your GP, especially as you've got a nipper on the way!
I think that in terms of your father although he may not be perfect it does sound like he is at least showing interest in his future grandchild, I certainly don't think cutting him out of your life will do anyone any good. My Wife's mother only rings on a specific day at a (near enough) specific time, it's not a because she can't be bothered, on the contrary, it's because she doesn't want to disturb us too much.0 -
Going from 20 odd years of experience with my former mother-in-law, who behaved in ways so similar to yours that it made eerie reading, I suspect that she has manic depression, which is what my mother in law suffered with for most of her adult life. The cost to her husband, his parents and the children of the marriage is incalculable, but the damage can never be undone. She never apologised nor altered her behaviour, being absolutely convinced that she was perfect/right/correct and the rest of the world was crazy. If your husband is not concerned about sustaining a relationship with her, forgive me but why are you?
As for the rest of the family, it sounds as though they are all into playing mind games with whoever will bat the ball back to them, ready for the next volley. If you don't have to keep contact, then make extreme efforts to repay the 'loan' and simply steer clear in the future. Could you not take out a bank loan to repay the amount. Better perhaps to be paying an impersonal institution than giving auntie a chance to keep getting at you. Change your phone numbers, decline to accept calls and return letters/cards to the sender. It would be your choice whether to add a card saying that you and your own family decline to be piggies-in-the-middle any longer - "sorry, auntie Mildred but that's how we feel".
It may sound harsh but perhaps you and your husband could both adopt the mind-set that you are orphans and choose each other as replacement family (not quite the words I want so hope you get my drift). It seems to me that if even half of what you write is true (no offence intended but we all see things from our own point of view) then you have very little indeed to lose and a great deal to gain, especially in terms of peace of mind, contentment that you are in control of your lives, home and family matters.
May I though just make one small word of warning. Before doing anything drastic, talk it through with your husband so that you pull together if you decided to go down the get-rid-of-them route but also search yourself that it is not just the hormonal ups and downs of pregnancy making you feel worse about things than you would feel if all were 'normal'. Good luck with sorting it all out and I do hope that, whatever course of action you and hubby decide upon, it will keep you free of this unecessary stress and unpleasantness.0 -
I agree with Dan Thunder, about your father being the best of a bad bunch - how many 11/12 yr olds will want to spend time with a new baby? The novelty will wear off, i'm sure.
I also think you should "shop" the aunt to the CC companies - and as others have said, pay the loan off as soon as you can to clear yourselves.
I do think you need to try & build up a cushion between you two/three and the others people in the family, if only for your own sanity. Do you have any other family at all?0 -
I do think you need to try & build up a cushion between you two/three and the others people in the family, if only for your own sanity. Do you have any other family at all?
Yes, my mum and stepdad, my stepgrandparents, DH's dad and stepmum, sister, 3 stepsisters and their respective families. All comparatively nice and normal, thankfully.:j Baby bonce was born on Christmas morning after a ridiculously short labour and no pain relief! If only losing the baby weight was as easy!:T0 -
paddy's_mum wrote: »If your husband is not concerned about sustaining a relationship with her, forgive me but why are you?
I just fear that he would regret it. She has set herself/her flat on fire several times by falling asleep while smoking and i wouldnt want him to feel guilty or blame himself if something awful was to happen to her, or if she was to die and not be discovered for a while, which is something he fears.
In the past when she has been a state, I have spoken to her so he didn't have to.:j Baby bonce was born on Christmas morning after a ridiculously short labour and no pain relief! If only losing the baby weight was as easy!:T0 -
Do it honey.
Move, Change your number, whatever - just get out from under that little lot.
(I do have a slight twinge for your dad though. Men in the older generation are rubbish at emotional stuff, and it seems as if he's trying to keep the lines of communication open at least - and he doesn't sound quite as poisonous as the others.)
Then make it a point not to attract anybody remotely like them into your life from this point forward.
I really congratulate you for not wanting to perpetuate the misery of your respective families onto your baby.
Good luck with it all,
Love Jacks xxx
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. Einstein0
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