Pretending to other family members

LouBlue

price83 wrote: »

How do you keep it all hidden from loved ones you dont want to distress?

Sorry to hear what you are going through. :kisses3:

Personally, I never told my mum or sisters about my overspending until recently. I mean, they are not complete idiots. I would be the only one in the family going off to concerts, going away for the weekend, buying them expensive presents etc....they didn't have to be Albert Einstein.:rolleyes:...but they knew it was my business.

Anyway, in Jan this year, I decided to come clean. I didn't tell them the actual amount of my debt as they would have probably passed out lol, but I did tell them that I was changing my ways, I was on here a lot, I realised that just spending all the time did not make me happy. They were SO relieved I had come clean! They all knew I was overspending and they would worry about me. They didn't want me to lose my flat, and believe me, it was getting close to that. They also didn't enjoy the expensive presents I bought them, as they knew I couldn't afford them. I have never asked for any help off them, and never would, my mess, my problem. But just to have them onside, emotionally, was a huge relief. So, to cut a long story short, depending obviously how close you are to your family and if they will be a support to you, I say come clean. It was a weight off my mind, I didn't have to pretend anymore, and it made them happier.

Good luck. xxx

isitenough

We had to tell my parents about 5 years ago, as they wondered why we couldn't move house - from a 2 bed to a larger house, specially as we had no room left and our 2 children (boy & girl) couldn't share a room for much longer. They had an inheritence from my Nan's house, who'd recently died and Dad being an only child got all the finance from that. They dipped into it to give us enough to clear the debt and get a bigger house. They did make it clear that it was inheritence that I wouldn't get when they have passed, so that made it easier for OH to accept, although he was reluctant.
Problem is, we've dug the same hole again. Same amount and same problem. We have curbed spending in the last year but by that time damage was done and we owe in excess of £30K. Our house has a lot of equity in it, as the value has nearly doubled and the mortgage is quite low considering.
Trouble is, everything seems to be going up. Mortgage, interest rates on cards (of which we've cut from 12 to 8, which is something), food, petrol etc... Feels like we're getting bashed every angle.
Couldn't tell parents again, as they think people should be more careful and not spend so frivolous with cash. They think we're now sensible! Trouble is, since we moved we started out with debt as it didn't clear the cards completely and the move cost more than we thought it would.

We're just trying to get up the courage to look into a DMP. It's just a big step and one the OH isn't sure about as he's not sure whats involved. I've told him that the CCCS or Payplan will explain everything, but we have to get past that wall.
Really cutting back on presents this year and with the family still spending for our presents it's tough.
This is our problem and sharing won't change that, will just make me embaressed. My sister and BIL are the successful ones. They both have good careers (BIL has worked in London for a bank for over 20yrs), very low mortgage (under £20k left!) no children and do not want for money. And yes I am jealous. Only from the security point of view. OH has been through several redundencies in the 14 years we've been together and that really did muck up the finances. Not to mention his self esteem taking a nose dive when that happened. Fingers crossed his current job is on the up!

Does life really get better on a DMP? I can understand the stress factor might decrease but what about life in general, spending money? Do you still have treats sometimes (cinema, take aways?). We've already paid for next years holiday (clubcard vouchers are excellent!) which will give us a break.

LouBlue

HBFS wrote: »

I try not to talk to anyone about my debt and use all sorts of excuses (usually work) why I can't do things. It's very hard admitting you're useless with money

It is hard but this place shows you that there are a lot of us out there useless with money, you would be surprised. Do try and talk to someone, it really does help, believe me.

SarahNeedle1872

chipbeck wrote: »

I keep it to myself ......................................................and it's eating me away.

Chipbeck, that is terrible, I really feel for you.... Perhaps there's one person, a best friend maybe, that u can tell? It'll take a weight of ur shoulders. A lot of the time, dealing with all the secretys and lies is harder than actually dealing with the money situation... Please please talk to someone, or post here x

I must admit, I don't openly say 'oh yeah, we're in debt' but if the subject ever comes up, I am not afraid to talk about it. MiL knows we have debt, but she introduced me to the site, so she knows its being dealt with. My Mum knows how much debt we have, this site came up in conversation, and while discussing it, I told her about the debt, and discovered shes got a £14k consolidationloan out:eek: Even my Dad, who I never discuss anything with, knows that I have a small loan and am paying off a CC...

I guess in a way, its easier for me to discuss as I do not have the level of debt that others have, and I can fully understand why many would not wish to discuss it openly.....
Even tho u should all be so proud, and shout from the rooftops how well u are all dealing with the debt, inevitably (sp?) you will get asked the 'what did u spend *that* amount of money on?'.....
Some people have debt because of extenuating circumstances (divorce, redundancy etc) but many of us (myself included) have debt because we've bought stuff that we just don't need.... and I think that, not the debt itself, is what causes me the greater embarrassment.

Sarah x

MiniLaura

I'm a couple of years out of university, had decent job and was giving parents some or buying presents for people, had a holiday, and then a party for parents.

Long and short of it, I took out a loan to repay out of control credit card and overdraft - needed £5500.

Kept a small limit on CC and took it to limit! Didnt learn!

Now, after unemployment and having to rely on handouts from parents for bills/food, trying to get on top of debts.

I have explained to mum and how im trying to help. She agreed to give me money to repay credit card and its working well!

Also agreed to cut back on spending for xmas, always been very generous but should help!

I think it depends on your situation - my parents are nowhere near well off, have 5 kids, 2 at home still and their own debts. Think that makes them a bit more understanding and now im actually doing something to get rid of debt im getting some support.

Id say tell them if you can, up to you what details you say and make it clear whats acceptable to ask or comment on!

robotgirl_2

I've only just told my parents about my debts from the last couple of years. They've always been feverently anti debt, anti CCs and anti HP, always telling me you should only buy something once you can afford it.

I think this is partly what kept me from telling them for so long though. I wanted to clear my debts myself so that I could show them I'd been stupid, yes, but I'd also put my mistakes right on my own. I know that I wouldn't have learnt anything if I'd told them at the start and they'd offered to bale me out (which I'm about 90% sure they would have offered to do). Now though, I've had to tell them about the glitches in my credit report as they're considering helping me buy a flat. I'm still ashamed of having got into debt problems in the first place, but I'm also proud that I'm dealing with it now.

If you think you can explain your situation to your family in the context that you're making progress now, rather than you were in debt before, it might help? My parents were a bit hurt that I *hadn't* asked them for help at first, but now are really proud of me for sorting out my own problems, and I think it was worth telling them now even though I was terrified of it only a few months ago.