Pretending to other family members

Homework

I understand the difficulty in telling, but you are nearly there and then you can tell all.

I must admit I have avoided telling by avoiding the situations or being vague. I was ill and said that I would not be spending on presents which everyone accepted but now that I am so much better and working again the questions are being asked about what I'm doing with the money.

My parents are wondering but I tell them things are fine, hubby's parents know half the value of the debt and nearly fell over but are proud of the fact that we are paying it back. I saw the biggest smile on dadinlaw face when I told him we were down to 2 years away (he doesn't know we are paying twice as much as he thinks). Again, they think we should have more left and are curious.

We have distanced ourselves from the whole family and comments have been made about the lack of/value of presents etc which we have heard snippets of and it makes me sad. There have been discrete questions asked as I don't seem the same person and I don't seem as happy as I used to be and I just grin and bare it.

It's a horrible situation but not long until you are in control and then you can start spending little bits which will stop the questions. Keep going

In_Search_Of_Me

In typing this I realise that we al have different circumstances and family dynamics so each must decide what is best for them. Having said that I cannot imagine the added stress and pressure caused by living a lie to those close to you. For me finding out that my other half had debts woul be worse than the debts itself because it would mean that they hadnt been honest with me. How can you love & support someone, whether oh/friend/daughter/parent, if you dot know about it? I really do feel for those of yu who keep screts. I couldnt. Pretty much everyone I know knows about my debts and there is much laughter about my latest money making scheme. Pretty much all have been supportive (although one guy I know was honestly gobsmacked & asked how you manage to spend 37000 without noticing...quite cheerfully I replied that t was actually quite easy!) & people now ask me for help when they struggle and I know that I've helped others because if this so that alone has made it worthwhile. To start with I was ashamed; I told family & close friends (some cried with me and that means alot to this day) & the majority have practically & emotionally supported me (but not baled me out) - ie my mum used to send me tesco vouchers; my cousin gave me a load of books to sell! I really have been upheld in love by 99% of family, friends & collegues and to be honest this has been my gift i my debt free journey. I can never thank them all enough, from my heart, for all the little things they do along the way. SO for those of you I say I eel sorry for I feel sorry because you havent given people the opportunity to offer you love & support as I am sure the ones who matter would want to and it honesty makes me want to cry for you. I dont know what I would do without them..while I love my DFW friends sometimes a loving hug or word from someone who loves you makes it all bearable....

bathgatebuyer

I've often wondered about whether I should tell my Mum about some of teh problems I've had financially. Less than two years ago, my debts were more than £30K, and now they are down to £5K. I almost feel like I could tell her and she wouldn't totally hit the roof now that I'm almost out of it. We were watching Spendaholics the other night and her, "What a stupid stupid woman" kinda put me off though!

skint_spice

I've not told anyone how much or anything but have said to friends and workmates quite truthfully that I'm sorting my debts out before I save to move house and I should hopefully be clear next year. Haven't told my folks though as I'd be worried they'd try and give me money and I need to do this by myself. Have no OH to hide anything from...
It's amazing how when you say you're trying to save/pay things off how many people say they are in the same position though.

Determined

I told my mum ages ago about our finances but I think I only old her cause I knew she couldnt help - when we finally did tell the OHs mum and dad (who could help) they went crazy at us and wont help at all lol - well I say that - she did point me in the direction of this forum so that'a something eh?

dsljfreeman

I'm quite an honest person and while if it crops up in conversation I'll admit that we are in debt, I will only part with the total amount if they ask. I think my mum knows we are in debt, I'm always telling her we don't have a lot of money and she knows we had to sell our car b'cos we couldn't afford it but I'm certain she doesn't know how much debt we are in, I don't know whether I could tell her the full amount only b'cos she is very careful with money and wont spend money she hasn't got. I'll probably tell her the full extent of our detb when it's all gone

Spirit_2

It strike me that the issue is not your debts and the way you and OH are dealing with them, but your mum taking too close an interest.

My Mum has always been very interested in what we earn, I think she is in a bit of a competition in discussion with my aunt about how their respective offspring are doing!

Over the years we have dealt with her interest, making clear that we earn a lot, but also spend a lot. Usually making general comments citing pension contributions, catching up with cc payments post holiday. Any intrusive probing has been dealt with a 'mum, thats personal to us' or 'up to us to make decisions about'.

Perhaps you can head your mum off in similar way 'we had a few big credit card balance/overdrafts of debt post university/house buying/holiday. Lots of our generation consolidate it into mortgages, we do not want to do that and plan to pay it off over the next x months'.

I do not tell mum to mind her own business as it is mostly well intentioned, she knows we do not have savings and over the years has been generous to us (1000 pounds last xmas ) when she can.

I would be devastated if my circumstances were known.

Spirit

mrsspendalot

I found honesty is easier in the long run. Since telling my parents about being in debt and trying hard to repay, and discussing our achievements along the way each time we have paid something off, they have been more generous with helping out if the kids need shoes or something. Close friends have also opened up more and admitted when they can't afford things too. It means we all look for cheaper things to do to socialise, rather than each trying to keep up with what we think the others will expect. 'I can't afford it' has become a popular phrase, and one that I never used to like using, but now I am not frightened or ashamed to say it to anyone.

raq

We have never spoken about our debt to our mum or dad or close friends. I would be to ashamed to tell my mum and dad as they think I am so sensible. The truth is our debt built up over a couple of yours of just trying to SURVIVE. We had no holiday or luxuries, it was purely on bills and also tax credit messing up our payments.

Amazing if you do speak up how many that are struggling or stretched to the limit . As I am sat here I can think of 3 very close friends, but they will never now about ours as it is our business. My other halfs parents are good in a way they give us money every now and again for the kids, shoes, clothes are just treats. Our debt is £9k now and we are paying each week as much as possible. If I was really really struggling and spoke to my mother I now he would lend it to us and pay him back without interest but I just couldn't do that to them.

HBFS

I try not to talk to anyone about my debt and use all sorts of excuses (usually work) why I can't do things. It's very hard admitting you're useless with money