Pretending to other family members

BizzyBek

Welcome to the MSE forums.

IMHO, I'd say to yourMum it's cost money setting up a home etc and you and your partner have come to the mutual decision to ensure all your finances are mde as strong as possible now whilst you are both young and working to ensure you can make the most of the future. Say you & your OH are very happy, supportive of one another and are enjoying life together because that's whjat is really important. No need to tell her the facts and figures.

OliveOyl_2

Aw ,Chipbeck, you need to share it with someone soon. (apart from all of us here who do however understand) Is there nobody you'd trust?

I told someone that if OH and I were careful we could be debt free in a couple of years time. And they said "oh wow, mortgage free" I said no we've whacked stuff on the credit cards for too long. And it turned out that they were in a similar position; and hiding it.....

Lucy1982_2

I had only told close friends and couldn't bring myself to admit it to my Mum. And then one day I just told her the truth and she was fine with it.

She just looked up and said she'd always wondered where my money went!! But now she supports me and knows I can't afford much so we limited things like birthdays and christmas to take the stress out of them.

kizzykizzywizzy

I've never lied about owing money, I don't think my Sister knows how much i owe, I also think she thinks I've wasted money ( but I've never had the wages shes had) I really haven't wasted a lot, a few holidays, last one 2 years ago, always had old cars, never buy clothes, don't go out drinking & we really wanted children, if we had waited until we could afford them, we would never have had them, just spent on living costs & once you owe money interest goes on etc.
Where as my parents, were always on holidays out for meals etc, when my Mum died this year, we discovered they owe loads, I feel really upset that they lied to us for so long & that my Dad is now left in a financial mess & won't accept help, very noble, says he owes it & needs to pay it back, but will just be paying interest & charges for the rest of his life.
My Mum used to buy bits & pieces for the kids, had i known the situation I never would have accepted them, I feel sorry that she felt she had to keep up the pretence.

price83

Thanks for all those replies. I don't want to involve my mum in this as i know it would highly distress her and my OH and I are working through this together (we dug the hole together - we can fill it in together). My aunt was talking to my mum a few months ago about my cousin who managed to ignore her debts so badly the debt collectors arrived at my aunts door and my aunt paid them off. I remember how angry my mum was about her neice and the 'stuidity of my aunt' for paying them off. All the time I sat there nodding and thinking 'there is no way i would tell you about my debts!'

All our debt comes from our own stupidity when at university and the period after uni when renting and looking for jobs. If i could turn back time I would have had a job when at uni it was unforgivable! The worst of it is a saving account my long deceased Nanny and Granddad had created for me. The account had £1500 in it which I received at 21. Needless to say the money was truely wasted on things such as rent and food - not quite what Nanny would have intended. I still have the paying in book which I will keep as a forever sign of the shame of misusing her money until i have replaced everypenny of the money and then spend it on something Nanny would ahve been proud of.

Anyway my OH and I owe:
£3200 credit card - shoudl be cleared by september 2008
£1800 OD mine (student no interest)
£2000 OD OH's (student no interest)
£3000 loan - 1 year left to run at £100 a month

I am not worried about the loan or the OD's as we will be setting up a new joint account when the credit card has gone and they will quickly drop down just though our wages going into it.

lonely_2

I have kept it from everyone apart from two people - one is a close friend and the other is someone at work, who I stupidly told when things were getting on top of me. I do not intend to tell my husband or my family until I pay everything off. I don't want to deal with their worry as well as mine. So I try to keep things hidden. Luckily I have a bit of spare cash every month, so as long as I'm careful, nobody suspects anything. But if money was tighter I would just pretend I was saving, e.g. putting more money into my pension, or something along those lines. I know it's not the done thing to encourage people to lie, and more often than not people are in the "problem shared is a problem solved" camp - but that wouldn't work for me. There are means and ways to keep this a secret, but I would suggest confiding in a close friend who doesn't have an emotional or financial attachment to your situation. That way you have at least one person to talk to when things get stressful. This has been my lifeline.

consultant31

chipbeck wrote: »

I keep it to myself ......................................................and it's eating me away.

This sounds so very sad and lonely it makes me want to send you a hug!:grouphug:

Please don't be scared of talking to people on here - most of whom are in the same position as you.
There is lots of help to be had, you only need to ask for it.

sammiboo

price83 wrote: »

Anyway my OH and I owe:
£3200 credit card - shoudl be cleared by september 2008
£1800 OD mine (student no interest)
£2000 OD OH's (student no interest)
£3000 loan - 1 year left to run at £100 a month

I am not worried about the loan or the OD's as we will be setting up a new joint account when the credit card has gone and they will quickly drop down just though our wages going into it.

End of the day it is entirely your choice who you tell and who you dont, but surely she would know you will have student debts to pay back, so if you are paying back your education wouldnt this be lesser of a blow?

Your debts arent massive so its good that you have got hold of it now before paying them off would be immensely difficult. It might help if you post up your SOA and we can take a look and see where you could save money.

Kaz2904

price83 wrote: »

Thanks for all those replies. I don't want to involve my mum in this as i know it would highly distress her and my OH and I are working through this together (we dug the hole together - we can fill it in together). My aunt was talking to my mum a few months ago about my cousin who managed to ignore her debts so badly the debt collectors arrived at my aunts door and my aunt paid them off. I remember how angry my mum was about her neice and the 'stuidity of my aunt' for paying them off. All the time I sat there nodding and thinking 'there is no way i would tell you about my debts!'

All our debt comes from our own stupidity when at university and the period after uni when renting and looking for jobs. If i could turn back time I would have had a job when at uni it was unforgivable! The worst of it is a saving account my long deceased Nanny and Granddad had created for me. The account had £1500 in it which I received at 21. Needless to say the money was truely wasted on things such as rent and food - not quite what Nanny would have intended. I still have the paying in book which I will keep as a forever sign of the shame of misusing her money until i have replaced everypenny of the money and then spend it on something Nanny would ahve been proud of.

Anyway my OH and I owe:
£3200 credit card - shoudl be cleared by september 2008
£1800 OD mine (student no interest)
£2000 OD OH's (student no interest)
£3000 loan - 1 year left to run at £100 a month

I am not worried about the loan or the OD's as we will be setting up a new joint account when the credit card has gone and they will quickly drop down just though our wages going into it.

Surely your Mum was angry because your Aunt had the debt collectrs banging on her door- which you haven't and because your Aunt paid them off which you don't expect your Mum to do.
She may get more comfort from knowing that you are in a loving supported relationship with someone who cares enough about your future to forgo the splurge for now rather than buying stuff that neither of you can afford.

I would rather my children had support and love from a partner than material things.
You sound like you will be sorted soon and can then start to plan what to do with your money.

I got into debt when I was young and looking back now I am thankful I did it then because I was able to accumulate less debt while my wages were low. I have cleared it and am well on the road to a secure future. If I had been older when I got into debt then the amounts would have been horrifying.

System

Its difficult living a lie and extremely tiresome. You need to have a good memory to be a good liar and I am neither. Sometimes honesty is the best policy; the truth is out there and people's mettle and opinion of you would be put to the test and would in some cases probably sort the wheat from the chaff.