Advice Urgently Needed.....

Strapped

Dan_Thunder wrote: »

If that's true then I'd simply ring up your ex and tell him that after speaking to your son he will not be going round to their house again until you feel that it's an appropriate environment for a child to be in.

I really wouldn't advise this. Someone close to me did exactly this when her ex remarried. Although she had reason for concern, for reasons not dissimilar to those of the OP, I think that there was also an element of shall we call it "surprise" that he had remarried and that he was no longer exclusively at her beck and call. The outcome was a very long and increasingly bitter battle, involving the courts and social services. The courts finally decided that there was no good reason for the children to be barred from her ex's house and in fact he succeeded in getting shared residency of them. The solicitor's costs were >£29,000 for EACH SIDE.

Not saying that this will be the case here, just to warn the OP that calling in the solicitors and being heavy handed might not be the best for her or her son.

OP, I think that you need to ask yourself, do you want your son to continue a relationship with his father? It sounds as though your problem is mainly with the new partner. Does your ex have a mobile phone? Perhaps it would be best for you to only call him on his mobile from now on, when you have to call him about things concerning your son (and not other issues eg your car). I realise that this is an imposition on you, and changes how things have worked so far, but in doing so you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you are being the bigger person. I imagine that he will be very sensitive to any critiscism of his new partner, so maybe it would be best for you to put it along the lines of, as DS is getting older, would he like to hear about things that you have found worked well re. discipline etc. This is a really sensitive area, since clearly different parents will have different styles, and you don't want to seem to dictate how he should parent, but hopefully if you can discuss it, it will get him thinking about what happens at home. (Maybe your son saying that he was "shut in his bedroom" was actually his father or new partner trying to use a "time out" but they didn't explain it properly, for example).

I hope that you manage to work something out. Personally, I would leave the issue of PR for now - it's up to your ex to apply for it if he wants, and you can deal with it then.

Also, although i agree that he should pay fair maintenance (ie the lump sum was not adequate) I would leave this until things have settled, so as not to "link" the two issues. Again, feel good that you are capable of taking the moral high ground and that your son will thank you for it one day.

Strapped

PS I wrote the above BEFORE your latest post, which changes the situation somewhat!

jojopo000

Thanks for the reply, until the car accident the only contact I had with EX was when he called to see how his son was (which has now vanished) in the week and too arrange when he would be having DS. I only called him about the accident as he had had a car accident very recently and thought he would be able to advise. I am pleased he has met someone else and is happy with her and wish him good luck for the wedding etc. As is his life and I am not part of that life and have no wish to be andam pleased I am no longer with him (thats another story!), all i want is for DS to have good memories of the time he spends with his Dad and to enjoy the time, instead of feeling he cant talk to him and keeping his mouth shut just to keep his dad happy (which he said he has been doing for ages). I dont want things to get nasty and no one benefits but at the same time I think my DS has had enough to deal with. I know ex adores his son but it does seem he doesnt really believe him.
From how Ex was earlier today it appears he is hoping all this will be swept under the carpet which is something I amnot willing to do. Having been abused myself I know how it can feel to be so scared of someone that when threats are made you think they mean it and I wouldnt wish that on anyone.
I also have 2 other children, a 2 year old and 8 week old baby and this is affecting me which in turn is affecting them.

x

jinky67

Just wondering what happened at the weekend?