Advice Urgently Needed.....

jojopo000

Hi All me again,

Sorry to be a pain but you have such good advice to give.

The saga continues and along with a few other things this is offically the worst month this year.

When DS returned home from his Dads last weekend on Sunday he was in the house for 10 mins when he says "I have something to tell you but you wont like it..............." he then went on to tell me that his Dad had told his GF everything that I told him about DS not liking her and she went up to DS room at his dads house when his Dad was downstairs and said to him that everyone hates him as all he does is cause trouble and arguements and if he does this again (ie tell me what she had called me) then she would get her 16 year old son to beat him up as she can't do it. She also said some other stuff but DS said he was crying so didnt hear what else she said. She then left his room and went back a few mins later and said DS was not to tell anyone about this, not even his Dad. So I immediatly called DS dad (whilst DS was begging me not too) and repeated what DS had told me, he then spoke to DS on the phone and asked him if this was true and DS confirmed it was (he was so upset and was shaking). DS dad said he would speak to his GF and call me back. About 20 mins later he called back saying she had denied it so I said that if she had said it she would hardly admit to it would she and that he should know her well enough by now to know if she is telling the truf or not, he never directly replied to that but went on to say that he knew something had been up with DS but DS wouldnt tell his dad. I also told him that DS didnt want to go to their house now or ever including xmas. He said that was ok for now and saidhe would just take DS out for the day this coming saturday (tomorrow).
All week DS has been asking if his Dad has called, which he hasnt, until this afternoon. He called asking how DS has been this week, so I filled him in on school etc and then said you are only having him for the day tomorrow arent you and you arent taking him to your house are you? He replied saying that he was only having him tomorrow for the day but also said that it needs to get sorted with DS going back to the house again. I said but you promised DS that you wouldnt take him and he said he would talk to him tomorrow. I asked what had happened since last weekend when we last spoke and what had she said, he said the house had not been a nice place to live and she was denying it all still so it needs to be sorted! So i replied saying i was pleased that they were ok still. Then I said that I suppose I have been lying again (as was accused of this last time DS said something) and he said well it needs to be sorted out! SO i said well all I have done is repeat what DS has said to me and told him as I would like to think he would do if the situation was reversed and am not in the habit of getting my son to tell lies. He then changed the subject back to how DS had been and then the call ended.
Now what annoys me is it would appear that i am being accused of making up stories again!! Even when this all came out last weekend I tried not to go in all guns blazing and said so that he wouldnt go to mad at his GF that it cant be easy for her to take on someone elses child and even if she had said it to DS she is not going to admite it and said that i was pleased that they are ok (meaning from his point of view) and even when DS started saying months ago that he didnt like her i have tried to encourage him to like her as she is his dads GF and is here to stay. DS is still determined not to go round there and when his dad asks him I have said to him that he has got to be honest with his dad and tell him what he asks, he replied saying that he had already told him last weekend on the phone.
What do I do? This is going from bad to worse. I was abused as a child (both physical and mental) and have tried to protect them as well as I am able. So what do i do? she is denying it and has managed to turn DS dad round to her way of thinking (ie I am twisting DS mind and want his dad back).
Thanks for any help.

hev_2

Wish I could offer advice, but can only offer hugs, so sending lots. In years to come, your DS will remember that you did your best for him and that his dad let him down.

Good luck.

poppyscorner

Hi,

I am a step mum to a lovely little girl that my DH had before he met me and my view is this.

I think he may well go and see a solicitor about getting your son winning a custody battle but I would say don't worry too much I would as others have said doubt that the courts would award in his favour and when they hear your DS opinion on things that becomes even less likely.

On the money side of things he is pulling a fast one what he did with the bit of paper is not worth the paper it is written on all maintainance payments to my DH ex are done on paper as she has no bank account (apparently) and she signs to say she has received maintainance however I do not think that what he has is legally binding. For example if something happens and you went on to benefits the benefits office would want his details given to the CSA and they would persue him regardless.

As far as slagging you off goes what a dirty trick that is I make no secrets about the fact that I am not particularly fond of ex BUT my stepdaughter does not know that and we try to stick with mum on things so there is no opportunity for playing parents off against each other and I would not dream of slagging her off to anyone but my DH in private for me to do that would be cruel and put my stepdaughter in an awful predicament.

It is easy to see that you have been accomodating to him and I know my hubby would love for his ex to be a bit more flexible you have done all the right things and the sad fact of the matter is I think your son is realising just what his father is and it is sad but your ex has only himself to blame.

I probably havent been any help but I am sending you my support and remember you can only to so much the rest really is up to him.

Good luck
Poppy xx

poppyscorner

Sorry I did not read your latest post but that will teach me to go in feet first:D

Now then about that post
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

What is going on with her? If I was you I would ask DS what he wants if that is not to go to their house then keep him home with you and tell the ex why after all you keep your son safe whilst with you and he deserves to be given the same level of safety and security whilst at dads he sounds terrified from what you say and on those grounds if he was my son he would not be going anywhere near her.

If DS wants to see his father but just not at his house is there any neutral territory they can see each other grandmas aunts uncles or friends house where ds can feel secure and safe and also get to see dad.

It is completely unacceptable for dad to expect him to go somewhere where he is terrified and fearing for his safety. And if he does want to see DS he will agree to neutral ground I would still seek legal advice (if you haven't already) with regards to access arrangements.

I really feel for you and your son you are stuck between the rock and the hard place.

Hope this helps a little
Poppy x

Chollita

Even if she genuinely thinks your son is causing trouble, and I am not saying that he is, if her idea of parenting skills is to threaten a child with physical violence then I would not be allowing her anywhere near him.

hobo28

I've only just started reading this post. My first instinct was that your ex needs to grow a backbone and open his eyes to whats going on around him. I'm pleased to at least here he's standing up for his son now. His ex's behaviour is plainly unacceptable.

As for worrying about custody. Forget it. Don't lose sleep over it. I was the resident parent for my kids for over two years when my ex-GF took me to court and I almost lost. Thats how biased courts are towards the mother. You could probably go in, slap the judge across the face whilst singing "I'm a little teapot" and still retain custody (slight joke!).

At the end of the day, people rarely do things when there's nothing in it for them. I can see why your ex is suspicious when you say things but hopefully he can see his son has nothing to gain at all.

As for maintenance, i think it would be daft to accept a one off payment of £1500 but then if your both working and happy with it then who are the rest of us to judge. Just don't let that little bit of paper put you off getting what you deserve.

Lastly, didn't quite understand the whole holiday thing. Basically since he has no PR, he cannot legally take child out of country without your permission. That said getting it is pretty much a formality. Either you give it willingly or court will give it to him via an order. In practice it means not very much so don't sweat it. However it does mean he could then take him out of the country for up to four weeks.

jojopo000

Wow, thankyou for all your replys. Ex is due any time now to pick DS up for the day, so am going to ask DS to repeat to his dad in person what he told me last weekend and what he told his Dad on the phone last weekend. Am a bag of nerves about this but have decided the minute he says I am lying or incinuates it then he will be asked to leave the house without his son. As in his sons eyes that will be his Dad backing up his GF.

Am curiuos about the PR order, surely the Judge would ask why he hadnt applied for one before as we have been apart for 7 1/2 years of my DS 8 years of life.

Thanks for all your help and support, just knowing someone is here to listen is great. xx

jinky67

:grouphug: :kisses: Have just read your posts EX's GF sounds a bit mental and i wouldnt want my kids anywhere near her TBH.Hope all goes well today:o

jojopo000

well he arrived to pick DS up, I said that I wasnt lying and dont incinuate it agian and if it happens again then I will involve the police. I asked what had happened between him and his GF and he said that was his business so I replied it is my business when my son is involved. I also pointed out to him that if he had listened to me months ago about DS not likeing her then this would not of happened. I asked to make sure he wasnt taking DS to their house and he is going to his Aunts with him. I did ask DS to tell his Dad in person to repeat what had happened and Ex said he didnt have to.
I also watched him drive off to check she wasnt in the car.
My poor DS, he shouldnt have to deal with this at his age and I hope that his Dad listens to him.
He is bringing him back this arvo and he didnt kick off at me like we thought he would, he just listened so i hope he has listened properly.
Once again thanks for all your support and advice, what with one thing and another I think November has been the worst month this year! I am grateful to have found such a wonderful support network. I am sat here shaking at the moment, not sure why.
x

hobo28

jojopo000 wrote: »

Am curiuos about the PR order, surely the Judge would ask why he hadnt applied for one before as we have been apart for 7 1/2 years of my DS 8 years of life.

It doesn't really matter. PRO's are not dependant on time and just because he didn't apply in the past doesn't mean he won't get one. Nowadays its really a matter of formality and courts tend to dish them out like sweets. A lady I used to know, her ex was a convicted sex offender and wasn't allowed near his own son yet still got granted PRO. Go figure!??!

I think you both need to deal with this problem and remove your son from the equation. This is an adult problem now where he is relying on his parents to sort it out for him. He should be allowed to get on with being a child.

Hopefully his dad is taking it seriously now. It does sound like it and as annoying as it is, he does have the right not to tell you about what has happened between him and his GF. He doesn't want to air his dirty laundry. I can understand that.