Physical & Emotional Scarring By Our Partners

breaking_free

My ex-was relentless in keeping me on a short leash. While I was at work I would get dozens of phone calls, Skype messages and phone text messages throughout the day. If I told him I needed to stop off after work to buy milk my mobile would ring when I was driving home; "Where are you? I'm worried about you!" This is a guy that would walk into the bathroom when I was on loo; I couldn't be left alone for even a few minutes...

I did leave many times; he would call incessantly and even get a friend to call, "Why have you left him. He's beside himself. Won't you just talk to him?" The blackmailing was horrendous; "I'm going to kill myself. I'll tell everyone what a horrible person you are. What have I done wrong? My whole family hates you. I'm going to divorce you and take everything. I'll get my friends to kill your family..." on and on it went.

The reasons I didn't get out sooner were primarily financial and him playing the victim so well - I lost count of the times he called the police on me alleging assault! I was frightened of him but felt sorry for him at the same time. He made himself completely financially dependent on me (refused to get a job, blamed it on me for making him too depressed to find work). He was constantly smashing up the flat and my belongings including putting a brick through my car windshield. In just one year he'd blown through over £20,000 of my savings as I had to pay for his upkeep plus continually replace things he'd smashed, take him for holidays and meals out to placate him and so on.

I ran away for the last time when the fear of leaving was outweighed by the fear of staying. I'd been threatened with a hammer, an axe, been head butted, had a bicycle thrown at me, been pushed down the stairs - the list goes on.

Predictably he went into meltdown when I got away - screamed poor me and got charities and welfare to pay his living costs. No idea where he is now as I moved away and have had no contact with him for nearly 5 years.

I consider myself lucky because I had a good job that could pay for the thousands of pounds of therapy I've had. I also met a wonderful man last year; I feel like the universe rewarded me with my current partner to make up for the rotten time I went through.

Stoke

Firstly, Comms, your story is very powerful! Put our differences aside, I really hope everything is getting better for you.

I've never posted about this on any forum or even talked about it much, but why not eh? Nothing to lose 12 months on (almost to the day). What can she do to me now?

My ex fiancee was both physically and mentally abusive. She had a violent streak while sober, and was absolutely lethal when drunk. Sober, she regularly threw things at me (glass bottles, mugs, jars), punched me in the stomach, kicked me, kneed me, slapped me, etc.... That was all fair game. It wasn't every night and it wasn't because of something trivial like 'forgetting to let the cat in', it wasn't always clear why.

The violence was something I bottled up and contained within my private life and between us for almost our entire 7 year relationship...... until the year we broke up, and the cat finally jumped out the bag.

We were to go for drinks at a friends house. She had been angry all night because she struggled to find clothes to wear and we ended up over an hour late. The only thing she hates more than struggling with clothes is being late for things, so with those two on her mind, we arrived at the house with tensions simmering.

When she's in a bad mood, she drinks like a fish. That's just how she is. She went off into another room with the girlfriends and I was sat with the boyfriends (if that makes any sense at all lol).
I was drinking pints of fairly weak lager at a moderate pace, while she was knocking double G and T's back like they were pop. Come about 9pm, everyone having a good time and she's absolutely battered and starts abusing the other 'boyfriends' f'ing and blinding, telling them 'they aren't my real friends'. She begins to wretch as if she is going to be sick, so I help her into the bathroom, leaving her to it for a bit and waiting outside in case she has a problem. After 5 minutes, she wants to come out, but is so drunk she can't get off the floor. I let myself in using a coin and help her up, at which point, she full on Haymakers me in the face with her (engagement) ring hand.

Sexual dimorphism might be science, but getting punched in the face hurts no matter who does it, especially when it has a ring on it with a lump of solid carbon. Everyone heard it and rushed out of the living room. I walked out the loo and everyone could see what had happened and I was asked to take her home. The next day, she was apologetic..... but blamed it on me..... and I agreed. I accepted the blame. It was my fault. Why? I had not given her help on picking her outfit. Yup. I rationalised that in my head, she often helped me pick a nice outfit for a night out. I had not reciprocated that (because I'm not very good at fashion or clothes) and therefore I convinced myself I was to blame.

The next time I saw the person who's house it was.......... he told me (quietly) that he had something to show me. Oh god. Not only had she punched me in the face..... she had punched me so hard, that her hand had followed through and she had punched the wall as well, in a scraping direction, leaving a huge mark where he ring had ultimately gone through the paint. I offered to pay and get it covered up, however they absolutely refused and sorted it themselves.... but it just shows how hard she intended on hitting me that night and how much damage she might have done. Reading this back, it's crazy to think I brushed it off.

The mental abuse is totally different. It's the kind of abuse that if I told people in work, they'd probably respond "man up". It's very hard to 'man up' when you love someone. You will bend over backwards for them. The mental abuse was stuff like convincing me to hate my family, hate my friends, hate my hobbies, hate people at work etc.... Convince me I needed to spend money, not spend money etc.... Just a form of mind control in a sense.

I ultimately loved her a lot. Before she turned violent we spent several wonderful years together and you convince yourself that you will re-discover that. The fact is, you don't... it just gets worse. I've come to accept that and it's the reason I'll never get back with her.

If she finds anyone else, I hope she knows that she cannot treat them like that otherwise they might retaliate differently to how I did.

Having spoken to a Psychologist, I now know it was all a control thing. She wanted control, and when I did things like that, it was ultimately a slip of her control. When our relationship broke down, she even tried to control those proceedings involving assets. I refused to allow it, and her violence and temper was even worse.... Luckily, it wasn't me who had to deal with it, it was her parents.

Was tough typing that all out. I feel bad on telling my story, as it's shredding someone I loved and still love, but until more men are understood, it'll never be addressed.

Comms69

S- that sounds terrible pal.


Not really a lot I can add, you seem very self aware and well done on putting yourself back together.


Think you're spot on about the rationalising blame. Sometimes it's easier just to say 'my fault' than argue it out.


There's an old phrase somewhere which I always remember - and it's not meant as a criticism of anyone, just something that stuck with me.
"Women choose men and think they'll change; Men choose women and think they wont - Both are proved wrong"

Rubik

If you are male and have experienced domestic violence/abuse, and need support, advice or information the Mankind Initiative is a free and confidential organisation you can find out more information here - https://www.mankind.org.uk/ They also have a free telephone helpline. Please do not suffer in silence.

(I have no connection to MI btw)

Funding and resources for male victims is woeful, and way below the level of funding that is provided for women's organisations. Awareness that men suffer domestic abuse is increasing, but a lot more still needs to be done, including busting the stereotypes that surround domestic violence.

26/7 years ago I was in a violent and abusive relationship, there were numerous "events", including being punched so hard in the face that my nose broke badly. I was pregnant at the time. There were a few more broken noses, severe bruising, attempts to kill me (strangulation), isolating me from everyone, keeping my and our baby locked inside a flat with no food, telephone, or heat while he went on a drug bender that could last several days. I eventually managed to get out, I literally ran out the door, holding my 4 month old baby; barefoot in the snow on Boxing Day. The police were less than helpful, but I did manage to get into a refuge for a while. To this day, the fear of not being able to get out of a building makes me incredibly anxious. If I stay anywhere other than home, I have to know how I can get out, and where the keys are kept. He died last year, and although I haven't been frightened of him for a long time, that fear of being locked in will always remain - it has transcended his life, and continues to impacts on mine.

I am not a victim, I am a survivor., I refuse to be anyone's victim.

To those who have shared their experiences; thank you - by doing so you will have helped someone realise that the relationship they are in is toxic and abusive, you have shown someone that there is light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. You have given a stranger some hope for the future.

Ames

Does anyone else really dislike the title of this thread? It's not just about being 'battered', and the emotional scars (IME) run far deeper than the physical ones, and have a much longer effect.

[Deleted User]

Ames wrote: »

Does anyone else really dislike the title of this thread? It's not just about being 'battered', and the emotional scars (IME) run far deeper than the physical ones, and have a much longer effect.

I've edited the title, and yes of course it isn't only physical but also emotional scars.

Stoke

Comms69 wrote: »

S- that sounds terrible pal.


Not really a lot I can add, you seem very self aware and well done on putting yourself back together.


Think you're spot on about the rationalising blame. Sometimes it's easier just to say 'my fault' than argue it out.


There's an old phrase somewhere which I always remember - and it's not meant as a criticism of anyone, just something that stuck with me.
"Women choose men and think they'll change; Men choose women and think they wont - Both are proved wrong"

Thank you.... Not sure I'm fully back together yet, but they say time heals..... let's hope that's true