Physical & Emotional Scarring By Our Partners

[Deleted User]

I saw this on the BBC and found it very sad - poor guy I thought, but at least he finally got out in one piece.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-45638626

As stated in the article, men can be abused as well as women, although society's opinion seems to be that because they are men they 'should be able to stand up for themselves'.

However, the 'real men' tend not to retaliate despite their possibly greater strength. They 'suffer' and 'cope' as best as they can whilst their significant other hits them physically, abuses them verbally, hurls unfounded accusations, often whilst in a drunken rage.

Shouldn't happen to anybody - either male or female.

I'm interested to know others thoughts and experiences, which by nature of this forum will of course remain anonymous.

annandale

My mum suffered and coped. In the days when battering your wife was a domestic. When he whacked his elbow off her face and split her lip in two and didn't allow her to get hospital treatment. She got plasters instead. Still has the scar. Tried to kill her and my brother. Strangled her when she was holding my baby brother and much much worse. Thankfully the law has changed now. She helped support a young girl with a baby who was persuaded to go back to her ex and then stabbed to death. After she got out of her marriage she tried to help other women who were going through the same

I'm very aware that the support for men who are suffering is awful. Not enough refuge spaces. And that it can be diminished due to why can't you hit a woman back. No one should be abused. But the stats show more women are abused than men. Abuse is abuse. It is wrong. Men hitting women or women hitting men. Or worse. Violence is wrong.

I grew up listening to my mum being battered off every wall in the house. She tried to get him out. He would not go.

He first smacked her the night they got married.

annandale

Two years it took to get my stepdad out. I'm just thankful she's alive. Big time.

[Deleted User]

Thanks for sharing, annandale - as you mentioned "Thankfully the law has changed now". Happening on her wedding day though? I have no words.

kay0601

It's not just physical abuse people suffer. My ex had me on the brink of suicide as he'd gaslighted me and emotionally abused me for so long. I wished he'd hit me so I could've gone to the police but he was smart enough not to. He hit his previous gf (broke her nose and choked her whilst she held their baby amongst other things) and he's hit his current in front of my child. They denied it happened so I've not got a leg to stand on with regards to withdrawing access to keep them safe.

Comms69

Sleazy wrote: »

I saw this on the BBC and found it very sad - poor guy I thought, but at least he finally got out in one piece.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-45638626

As stated in the article, men can be abused as well as women, although society's opinion seems to be that because they are men they 'should be able to stand up for themselves'.

However, the 'real men' tend not to retaliate despite their possibly greater strength. They 'suffer' and 'cope' as best as they can whilst their significant other hits them physically, abuses them verbally, hurls unfounded accusations, often whilst in a drunken rage.

Shouldn't happen to anybody - either male or female.

I'm interested to know others thoughts and experiences, which by nature of this forum will of course remain anonymous.

Sure, and you know what the funny thing is - I'm still not sure what I want...


My ex:
Cut me off from all my friends, I haven't seen most of them in years, and even then it's one offs and when we've split up. My best mate who I used to see every week atleast once, I've been saying for two years we need to have a catch up drink.


Financially controlled everything. My salary would be calculated down to the penny every month so my SO and DDs were paid, the rest taken.


Threaten to take the kids and not let me see them.


Constantly put me down with insults and name calling. A personal favourite was "I was worth less than the dead slug in the backyard".


Would withhold affection, using it as a method of control/ conversely would ensure that any affection had terms and conditions attached.


Would regularly threaten to call the police if I stepped out of line. I often stayed in a local hotel because of one of those episodes.


Physical abuse was very limited, but it happened. Once when I was holding my son.




All pretty typical stuff. And yet my brain is so messed up, and my anxiety so constant; that it's easier to seek reconciliation than trying to get away.


Oh and for what it's worth, the police didn't give a toss. I thought they might help, but the response was 'why are you still there'.


Normally don't post this kind of thing, and I'd hope people would be respectful with this information (as I do appreciate there's a number of posters who I disagree with on other topics).

kingfisherblue

We moved to a different town over forty years ago when my mum escaped from domestic abuse. We were lucky as she had friends here, and we lodged with them.



My hometown (and that's the way I regard the place where I live - it's definitely home, even though I wasn't born here) has a separate street for domestic abuse victims who have had to leave home. It wasn't available all those years ago, but now there are several houses and flats for short term stays of up to about six months. During that time, children and their parent (mum or dad) live in a residence in this street, until they can be rehoused. The first house is actually a workplace - offices, counselling room, etc. It looks like a house from the outside though. The area is monitored by CCTV. Although most are female, some residents are male. I know two women who have been short term residents, and they have been helped a great deal.

Comms69

Can totally understand that SI; in my case physical didn't really hurt so I guess this was the preferred option.


What I find most hard is turning off my brain; I'm so used to just trying to please and doing the 'right' (use that term loosely) thing, that it's impossible to shake. It's like Pavlov's dogs all over again.




Just a few more years though and then kids old enough to decide what they want to do for themselves.

Comms69

Ye that certainly sounds familiar! Though it's just one person for me. Don't give up on therapy, I know it feels like you should be getting better but the brain is incredibly complex and unlearning behaviour is probably the hardest thing one can do.


Rebuilding oneself, especially after prolonged periods of enforced change is very difficult. It's a type of PTSD, but usually developed over a much longer period of time than what many traditionally think of.


For example: I'm still in the mindset of wanting to rebuild my family, and then we'll all be happy and things will be good again. I 'know' that's not true. I'm very self aware in that regard. But it sticks with me because it was always my life goal.


the thing is I will just end up feeling like this time and time again. (though I must say typing it all out is a nice reminder for the old long term memory!)

Comms69

I know exactly what you mean. Have you looked at sessions with relate? It's not just about fixing relationships. I don't remember the cost now but it wasn't awfully prohibitive.

Comms69

Sorry didn’t mean to quote - edit

Treat yourself if you can. a change of scenery even for a day is worth it's weight in gold.