Physical & Emotional Scarring By Our Partners

Ames

I've been having counselling for a year now to deal with growing up in an abusive household and then getting into an abusive relationship myself. It's through a charity, I think third sector provision is much easier to get and far more helpful than through the NHS.

I was on the waiting list for about a year before having an assessment, then a few more months to actually start. My GP told me that even if he could get psychology to accept a referral I'd be looking at a two year wait (although my CPN at the time said it wasn't that long).

I can't even begin to say how helpful it's been, I've come so, so far in a year.

But you have to be in the right headspace for it to work, and find the right therapist.

Happier_Me

I was in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship a long time ago when I was in my teens/early 20's.

He desperately wanted children, not because he actually wanted children but because it was another way of controlling and tying me to him. Thankfully this was the one thing I wouldn't bend on.

He controlled every aspect of my life, from what I wore, to who I spoke to, how much contact I had with my friends and family. In the end there were no friends.

I couldn't look at another man, he could not cope with the fact I worked with men each day. His reactions to these things were extreme and frightening but he never hit me. He favoured hitting the wall next to my head instead and, yes, it did get to the point where I wanted him to hit me because I knew that was still wrong and then I could leave him.

I think this can create a form of PTSD. I hit rock bottom, the panic attacks I suffered before he got home and during arguments, were my wake up call. They continued for a long time after we separated, I can remember telling my mum I was broken and that I didn't think I could ever be in another relationship.

Exactly one year later I met my husband, the funniest, most laid back, supportive person anyone to could wish for.

But I was lucky...no kids involved, a supportive family I could live with. There were no physical barriers to me leaving, just mental.I have the upmost respect for those who find their way out in these circumstances.

badmemory

My son gets help through a Job Centre referral. Almost up to 30 one hour sessions now. Unfortunately this will cease in March as it is funded by the EU. But if anyone is unemployed this may be a root to get help even if only for the remaining 6 months.

SingleSue

My mum has said she doesn't understand why people stay in the situation, why don't they just leave. I've tried to tell her it's not quite that simple, the constant eroding of your confidence, your self esteem makes it so that you feel it is your fault, you are the one doing it wrong.

I'm now 13 years down the line from 'getting out'. I'm still not the same person I was all those years ago before I met him. He never really hit me (a few shoves and hard pushes which would leave me on the floor but no actual punches) but mentally, I was as said previously on this thread, like Pavlov's dog. I was constantly trying to keep him happy, keep him calm, anything to prevent him being unhappy with something and to have things come flying past mine or the children's heads because we had displeased him.

I was made to feel it was all my fault, that I was the failure in the marriage, that I was just not good enough.


Even post divorce he still tried to control me but I am stronger now and it really annoys him that he is unable to anymore. That said, the mental scars will not go away, I'm unable to form new relationships because I cannot let myself go enough to relax and allow myself to feel, it's like I have this gigantic 10 foot wall of solid steel around me to prevent people getting too close.


Unfortunately, I can see him doing the same thing with his second wife. She was my best friend and was an ultra confident, very outspoken person when we were friends but now she has become just as subservient as I was. She is also constantly at weight loss groups just as I was, constantly having her 'treats' publicised on social media (he would encourage/nag me too to have a treat or else I would be ruining a night out/celebration meal and then bring it to everyone's attention, contact my WW leader with photos of me being 'naughty').

I'm under mental health services now to try to 'work' on my issues but similar to a post above, I too feel a failure if the expected improvements don't happen when they should and I will back away, back under my very safe double quilt and hide from the world again.

gabriel1980

Having been a victim of domestic abuse I can relate to this article. My ex-wife was physically and verbally abusive throughout the relationship. Attacked me with scissors, spat in my face, constantly hitting me. I used to go into work with black-eyes and the sad thing is when I called the police, they sided with her.

Well out of it now (she cheated on me to add insult to injury), but the real problem was that she had all her friends and family convinced that I was the abuser.

donnac2558

In recent years there is a frightening new trend.


One parent to get revenge on the other murders the children. This seems to be happening more and more:mad:

SingleSue

Gabriel - When we split all his friends were disgusted with him and how he behaved but he has managed to do a charm offensive and now the story going around is that I was the problem, the one in the wrong. Unfortunately even my own brother chose to believe those lies and said it one night in front of the children.....he was put right in no uncertain terms by the boys who had lived through (and been the target themselves) ex husband's treatment.

But still others believe ex's version of events and I have become persona non grata amongst our old circle of friends (bar one who always thought he was a bit eek)

JWM

**Quote removed as requested by SI, replying to SI's post **




Seconded.

C you are very brave to have posted that, I also have disagreed with you, but that's irrelevant to this discussion and I wish you all the best in the future.

JWM

Done!




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unholyangel

Comms69, I think if anyone were to use what you've posted against you, it says way more about them that it ever could about you.

I believe domestic abuse (and sexual assault for that matter) are far more common than we would realise. Your post may have made you feel vulnerable but if anything, it shows how strong you are, especially to share in a place where there are less than friendly people. Its not easy to talk about these things, but if survivors can share their stories then hopefully one day it wont be something people are ashamed of or at the very least, it may help someone else realise they're in a toxic relationship and to get out while they can.

People like to think that they'd walk right out the door if it happened to them but they don't appreciate how complex it is. That your partner is all sweetness and light and then turns into a demon from hell that has you feeling like you missed a step and wondering what the hell happened. Then they go back to being sweetness & light and you just put it down to an off day/stress/health problems. Their reaction being so severe that you're inclined to think you must have done something wrong because why would a otherwise reasonable and nice person react in such a way. As you say they cut you off from friends & family. You might initially mention it to friends & family but after a while you stop because you know they'll just tell you to leave and you're emotionally attached. The abusers usually act like you're the one being unreasonable and that what they're doing is perfectly normal or somehow not their fault. You eventually start to question your own judgement and it goes further downhill from there.

I know a lot of people stay for the sake of the children (and men in particular tend to stay through fear of not seeing their kids), but it is much better for your kids to have two separated but happy parents than it is two parents together in that sort of relationship. Alas, its always easier said than done.