How can I help & cope with a depressed/grieving grandma?

Alikay

I found my mum's anger difficult to cope with after my dad died, but it IS a normal part of the grieving process. Although she'd be furious over things friends and acquaintances said or did, the main thing that she was angry about was that dad had died. She missed him dreadfully, all their plans and dreams for a shared retirement had disappeared in the blink of an eye, she now hated being in her home as he'd died suddenly and dramatically in it, she felt guilty as we'd no idea he was ill...and so on and so on..: The ripple effect of his death were infinite.

IMO the best thing you can do is make allowances for this anger and try and move towards a new normal regarding visits and calls. The hole in her life left by your granddad will never be filled, but she'll learn to live with it. Arranging her own decorating (unless she's been scammed by a cowboy, obv!) is a positive step in her finding her own solutions to practical issues arising from his death and empowers her IMO, so try not to be upset when she turns down family help.

suki1964

Part of it is also people do get grumpy in their old age

My mum is probably a bit older then your gran and she is the most miserable person in the world, I can barely bring myself to talk to her as she is pure doom and gloom

If its not bad weather here, then she's giving off about the bad weather in England, she moans about the next door neighbour not keeping her front of house today, she moans about the children across the road playing ( these aren't close neighbours, they are a fair distance away )she moans about the cost of anything when she's really well off and lives FOC with me so all her income is disposable. She is really not happy unless she is moaning and she goes out of her way to find things to moan about

Nothing is right, no matter what we do its wrong

Last Christmas Day I had to say to her she had two options, get herself in a better mood before I got out of the shower else me and Mr Suki were getting in the car and heading to the daughters and she would be alone all day

We are in our 50s, we still have a lot of life around us, we don't need to get depressed listening to her so we don't. When she's in good form things are ok, when she's in full vitriol and bile, we find other places to be

do I feel guilty, yes, Im on antidepressants coping with it. But we are where we are and I have to do what I can to protect myself and my husband. If she lived alone, I wouldn't be visiting more then the monthly guilt visit.

Don't be tying yourself. Its great that you do visit, but if the visits are getting you so stressed and unhappy its time to pull the plug or at least cut them to more manageable visits, once or twice a week, for a cuppa and "Ive got to go now Ive got such and such to do"

Alikay

suki1964 wrote: »

Part of it is also people do get grumpy in their old age

This isn't inevitable, neither is it acceptable. Obviously things like grief, chronic pain and frustration at not being able to do things they were once able to do will impact on a person's demeanour but there is no reason to think grumpiness is normal in old people.

Sorry to hear your mum's behaviour is so upsetting, Suki. Does she have dementia? If not, I think a stern talking-to about how her moods are affecting you is in order! FWIW my granddad was an absolute ogre for the first 65 years of his life, but became a delightful old boy once he retired.

tasha-debt

I literally could of written this post myself.

My Grandad passed away 3 years ago now, I know my Nan has never and will never get over it. Its so hard to see the people you love suffer. My Nan too spends a lot of time moaning about things etc (I have become very good at changing the subject to something as little more positive) and also spends a lot of time telling us that she does not want to be a burden to the family. She is 86, completely self sufficient and as we all tell her is never and could never be a burden but to keep saying that to us causes us to feel we are letting her down, she looked after the family her whole life. Its out turn to look after her now.

My Mum lives close to her and pops round every day, I live further way so probably see her every other weekend. She comes to stay with me every 3 months or so for a weekend and seems to love that.

But what I have come to accept is that she will never get over losing my Grandad, all we can do is make sure that she knows she has a family who love her and she will never be alone. She will be lonely at times but we cant be with her 24/7. Does your Nan have a pet, my Nans dog has helped her so much as it means she always has his company and ensures she gets out the house for a walk every day.

Please don't place to much pressure on your self, your Grandad will be so proud to see how you and your Mum are looking after her but not to the extent where you are feeling additional stress or are not allowing yourself time to grieve.

xxxxx

Working_Mum

People process grief differently and it is so tough seeing someone you love going through a tough time.

I have found a podcast recently call griefcast where people share their stories of losing loved ones. One thing that comes out loud and clear is that people like to talk about their departed loved one (by name) and there are ways to be constructive in your support as they learn to live their lives in the new normal. For instance rather than saying "give me a call if there is anything I can do" - turn up with a food parcel/casserole and leave it for them or work in the garden together or talk specifically about the deceased using their name.

My friend's Mum passed last year and I popped the date on my calendar (sadly I do this for a few of my friends) and sent a message the day before acknowledging the day and how tough it was going to be - I also made a note of their birthdays and how hard it would be for them as they passed through their "year of firsts" without their loved one. I have also found that some days just suck for people as they grieve and it takes time, much longer than the books say it well. Years after a death the pain of grief can be so raw, a song, a smell or a date can trigger sadness again. It may pass quickly or hang around for a while, you have to learn to "let it be"

Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote about the "5 stages of grief" and most people believe they are linear but they are not - they roll in cycles like waves on a shore and some days are choppier than others.

The anger your G'ma is experiencing could maybe be a sign of depression so be vigilant. I am not saying she is depressed but anger is definitely a symptom.

All you can do is make sure you give yourself space to grieve and be in a good space to support your loved one.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I live in London.

You couldn't pay me enough to be a tourist here. It's overcrowded, noisy, dirty, ridiculously expensive and claustrophobic. Add into that the feeling that the person they should have gone with (and either promised it but never got round to it or refused point blank) is dead, plus an element of not being as physically able to do things as they might have been when they first decided they'd really like to see it, and you get somebody who, despite loving seeing the things they wanted, probably found it less than the 100% marvellous experience when they were actually there. At least she talks about it positively now.

When making friends, you can't go from acquaintances to talking about bereavements, loss and the really annoying things about life in a short time - but she can let those things out when she's with family.

She might be very aware of how you're feeling, too - and not wanting to be totally dependent upon family for maintenance issues, along with everything else (and it's very possible to need to decline an offer of help, based upon the state of that person's workmanship in their own home!).

Why not talk to her, explain you're finding it hard to visit so often now you're working nights and maybe you could visit on x day each week instead because you really want to keep seeing her? Something like going to hers for lunch/dinner before you leave for work? (A lot of older people are early risers, but would still be happy to see you a bit later in the day after you've had some sleep, for example).



PS: with the comments on here about buses, it's not just knowledge of how to use a bus - it's also whether or not they can physically make it to the bus stop, whether they can stand to wait for extended periods if the service is infrequent/unreliable, whether it's likely to be full of schoolchildren who could accidentally knock an older person over, whether anybody would offer them a seat or expect them to stand up all the way - or even, as in the case of my FIL, if it's physically possible to get on the thing (he's had a stroke and can't balance, get up strange height steps or walk very well. He's 65.)

Red-Squirrel_2

annandale wrote: »

Do you think that older people don't know how to use a bus? My mum will be 70 next year, she doesn't need someone showing her how to use a bus, she's been using public transport her entire life.

69 is hardly elderly!

Age isn't always relevant either, my grandma who is nearly 90 can get anywhere on public transport and has a working map in her head of every bus, tram and train route in the county. I'm in my thirties and I'd have to go online to check which bus to get to go anywhere because I drive or walk and haven't got on a bus in the UK since I was a student.

Jlawson118

CRANKY40 wrote: »

Anger is a normal part of grief....You look at other couples and think why can't it be you. Why do you have to be on your own? Instead of sympathising with your gran when you go why not hand her a problem of yours to solve.

It is complicated but people are complicated and at the moment you're visiting her because grandad died and maybe she feels (rightly or wrongly) that you're visiting because of that and not because you want to. Is there anything that she knows how to do that you could ask her to teach you that could be fun for you both? Can you knit/crochet etc? If you can't and she can could she help you learn? Is she a better cook than you or a better baker? Does she make your meal after your night shift and if not then could she? Especially if you tell her how much hassle it would save you if she did. If you're doing 40 hours what could she actually do for you to give you a hand?

It might work, it might not but asking her to do things for you might just give her a better sense of purpose. I found that planning things for the future helped me too, so maybe if your mum and you sat and planned another trip with her but instead of doing just what gran wants, find something that you can all do together and look forward to instead of it being a dreaded trip with gran. Don't be afraid to call her out on bad behaviour either. I am very independant but I have one very good friend who occasionally says to me "Will you just do as you're told and let me sort that out". It makes me laugh because he has a point. There are some things that other people can help me with and I need to realise they're doing it out of love not pity. So does your gran.

Apologies for the late reply, it's been a hectic week!

Well it's a typical grandma thing, she never lets me go hungry :rotfl: I usually do visit her for an hour on a morning if I'm on 40 hours, sometimes she's made me a bacon sandwich or something but most times I'm not always that hungry, I'm usually more ready for bed.

I don't think she feels like I visit her because 'I have to', even when my grandad was around I used to visit them any time that I could. When my mum and grandma were planning the funeral, they mentioned to the funeral director about how I always spent time with him. And my grandma's often said my grandad turned around when I was a teenager and said to her I probably wouldn't be spending as much time, but I always did I've kind of always had this small family circle between us four, so his death was a shock to us all.

But I'm glad she's started seeing these new friends and it's definitely staying positive for her. I'm just finalising mortgage agreements and will soon to be moving out from home into a new flat so I think she's quite excited to come shopping with me to buy things for it. So I'll see how things go for her

annandale

Your reply doesn't really address the issues you raised in the first post. That is how poorly stressed and exhausted you have been feeling lately.

Jlawson118

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Why not talk to her, explain you're finding it hard to visit so often now you're working nights and maybe you could visit on x day each week instead because you really want to keep seeing her? Something like going to hers for lunch/dinner before you leave for work? (A lot of older people are early risers, but would still be happy to see you a bit later in the day after you've had some sleep, for example).



PS: with the comments on here about buses, it's not just knowledge of how to use a bus - it's also whether or not they can physically make it to the bus stop, whether they can stand to wait for extended periods if the service is infrequent/unreliable, whether it's likely to be full of schoolchildren who could accidentally knock an older person over, whether anybody would offer them a seat or expect them to stand up all the way - or even, as in the case of my FIL, if it's physically possible to get on the thing (he's had a stroke and can't balance, get up strange height steps or walk very well. He's 65.)

She does know I struggle when on nights and she does understand. If there's anything my grandad ever told me when I started working, was to work as much as I can, especially if overtime is ever on the horizon, because it might not always be there. So she does want me to work and does completely understand.

My grandma does often use the bus, but she is a little unsteady on her feet at the moment. She's suffering with some spinal issues at the moment and is awaiting an operation to try and correct it, so she's quite scared of falling. She did have a very nasty fall a few months ago. I got up at 10pm one particular night to see my mum & step-dad walking through the door, I asked where they'd been and they'd been sat in A&E with my grandma for five hours. So that has knocked her confidence a little bit. But I dropped her off at the bus stop the other day to make things easier, if her neighbours are driving into the local town then they'll offer her a lift, but even so, taxi's aren't overly expensive either so she does have those options