How can I help & cope with a depressed/grieving grandma?

Jlawson118

Last November, we were very unfortunate to lose my grandad to a short cancer battle. Obviously it's been a very difficult time for myself, my mum and my grandma throughout this past year.

But over this time, I've noticed my grandma just deteriorating and struggling a lot. But she's stubborn and will never admit it to me or my mum. I've often said to my mum that my grandma will be feeling the worst of the situation, and after being married to my grandad for over 50 years, I can't even imagine just how hard it's hit her.

The problem is that she's just angry towards absolutely anything. She's very lonely, and I can't be around 24/7, especially just recently that I've gone back to 40 hours at work, and it's night shifts. I visit her as much as I can during the week, even if it's just for an hour or two on a morning after work. I know she's happy to see me and I just don't want her to feel lonely. She recently met some new friends in our local market, and now meets up with them on a regular basis. myself and my mum took great ease thinking this might perk her up a bit, but now I'm not really sure.

For example, we flew down to London in July (my grandma's always wanted to go on the London Eye for years) but whilst in London, all she did was kick off about everyone and everything. Even down to the food portion sizes being 'too small' in the hotel, despite not being able to eat it all. We were in Heathrow Airport to come home, where a little boy was running to catch up to his dad as he'd lost him. He ran down the escalator where my grandma shouted at him "Slow down child!"
Yet when anybody ever asks her about London, she talks about it like it was the best place she'd ever been to. Me and my mum just look at each other and roll our eyes. And a few weeks ago, I was driving her home from an appointment, when she was kicking off to me about these kids play fighting on their way home from school

My step-dad offered to redecorate her living room a while back, and all she's ever done is kick off to me that she doesn't want it doing. Then yesterday she turned around to me and said she's found a guy to fix her ceiling wallpaper (that keeps falling down and did need re-doing) and then said he's going to redecorate the entire room!

I just feel like I'm losing my patience with her. And I feel awful that I feel this way, she's my grandma, I pretty much took an oath to look after her and I feel like I'm failing. Her friends and neighbours often say they think it's great that I visit as often as I do, and help her with appointments etc, yet mentally these things are becoming incredibly stressful and difficult.

The problem I've got is that I just feel completely helpless. I'm exhausted myself with my job that's stressful in itself, I'm also still grieving. I also went through a bad relationship breakup at the same time we lost my grandad. I'm finding myself poorly with stress, and I feel all the more guilty that I can't always see her or even help her in any way. She won't tell me she's feeling down, she won't really show emotion in front of me, and openly admits that herself.

But I hate to see her like this.

Can anybody point me in the right direction? And/Or share your own experiences in this situation and how you perhaps resolved them?

annandale

Of course she'll be feeling the worst of the situation. She lost her partner of 50 years

Everyone grieves differently and a year really isn't that long a timescale given how long they were together

annandale

I think to be fair given that she's lived independently for a large chunk of her life its not looking after she needs. You don't need to visit her every day after your work. Particularly if you are just finished a night shift. Surely you and your mum could rotate the visits. Not everyone is into clubs. My gran didn't join any clubs after my grandpa died

She probably does not need you to visit every single day. You could phone her as well. If she meets up with friends on a regular basis she's not isolated.

I'd also say that fussing over her too much might be counter productive.

Sorry but a lot of your threads point to how stressed you are. If you are taking on too much you have to think whether any of this is good for you.

Your gran has got through almost the first year. Yes she's angry. It's normal. As is grieving. She sees friends. She's getting on with her life the best way she can. And she's probably doing OK. Without being able to truly say how she's really feeling.

CRANKY40

Anger is a normal part of grief....You look at other couples and think why can't it be you. Why do you have to be on your own? Instead of sympathising with your gran when you go why not hand her a problem of yours to solve.

It is complicated but people are complicated and at the moment you're visiting her because grandad died and maybe she feels (rightly or wrongly) that you're visiting because of that and not because you want to. Is there anything that she knows how to do that you could ask her to teach you that could be fun for you both? Can you knit/crochet etc? If you can't and she can could she help you learn? Is she a better cook than you or a better baker? Does she make your meal after your night shift and if not then could she? Especially if you tell her how much hassle it would save you if she did. If you're doing 40 hours what could she actually do for you to give you a hand?

It might work, it might not but asking her to do things for you might just give her a better sense of purpose. I found that planning things for the future helped me too, so maybe if your mum and you sat and planned another trip with her but instead of doing just what gran wants, find something that you can all do together and look forward to instead of it being a dreaded trip with gran. Don't be afraid to call her out on bad behaviour either. I am very independant but I have one very good friend who occasionally says to me "Will you just do as you're told and let me sort that out". It makes me laugh because he has a point. There are some things that other people can help me with and I need to realise they're doing it out of love not pity. So does your gran.

-taff

People grieve differently. I'm not sure there's much you can do to help her be less angry. I'd bet she doesn't even know she's doing it. You can make suggestions but she can ignore them.
They also probably had a routine, and it takes time for someone to fall into a new one. If she's meeting new people that's good and it will help to get her out of the house and socialising, even if it doesn't seem to be yet.
Visit as often as you can but don't make yourself ill over it. and as for feeling helpless, that's normal, you can't magic the past away, so you'll have to let her find her own way of dealing with it.

As for not taking help when offered and getting someone else to do it, sometimes it takes a while for the idea that something can be done to percolate. Maybe she employed someone because she didn't want to bother your stepdad, maybe she wanted to show she can still do things herself.
I'm not sure what you mean by deteriorating...Is she still clean, eating, warm, going out, shopping, doing all the daily things she should be?

Tabbytabitha

She isn't lonely, she's lonely for your grandfather - that isn't a hole that anybody can fill, however much they love her.

BrassicWoman

Jlawson118 wrote: »

And I feel awful that I feel this way, she's my grandma, I pretty much took an oath to look after her and I feel like I'm failing.

Feel free to ignore the oath, whoever made you swear it was a swine, you lookout for people because you want to, not because you were coerced into it. I've always refused pleas to look after rando family members but have said I'll be there in a crisis.



I'd limit your oath to "making sure there's somewhere to live and food on the table" because trying to be responsible for someone else's emotional wellbeing is

a) impossible and

b) a thankless task


Decide to unburden yourself and be happy. That will have more impact than you think on gran.

annandale

I don't get the impression he was forced into it. The OP starts a lot of threads about his life which is fair enough. But he's suffering from stress. I think in a few of the threads it sounds like he is anxious and over thinks things.

It's been a year almost since you broke up with your gf. I know break ups can be tough but you should surely be feeling a bit brighter by now. You've posted that your work is stressful. You don't need to shoulder all of this. You don't have to visit your gran every day after a long night shift.

You can't fix everything. Seeing her for two hours a day won't stop her being lonely. What will help is her getting out and about. And she is doing that.

KxMx

How old is she?

Because to be honest my Nan has got to a stage in her life where she complains a lot, about most things. Sometimes too she will moan about a subject to me but praise it to someone else.

She has had a hard life with a lot of family bereavement, 3 out of 4 siblings, husband of over 50 years and last year her son.

I don't get stressed about it because that's simply how she is now. I listen when she speaks, I nod etc.

Maybe I will even be the same at her age!

Tabbytabitha

BrassicWoman wrote: »

Feel free to ignore the oath, whoever made you swear it was a swine, you lookout for people because you want to, not because you were coerced into it. I've always refused pleas to look after rando family members but have said I'll be there in a crisis.



I'd limit your oath to "making sure there's somewhere to live and food on the table" because trying to be responsible for someone else's emotional wellbeing is

a) impossible and

b) a thankless task


Decide to unburden yourself and be happy. That will have more impact than you think on gran.

I didn't get the impression that anybody had forced him to do this. If it was a promise he made voluntarily then telling him he can break it is very bad advice - it's both morally wrong and likely to have a bad effect on his mental health.
If he was forced, I'd agree with you.

annandale

I think the Op chooses to take on too much and overthinks. This is a recurring theme in his threads and I'm sure he's suffering from anxiety just now.

You do not need to take on every single issue your gran has and make it better. My gran was widowed after 35 years of marriage. She was in pieces for the first year but she survived. It is not easy.

Are any of the things your gran has done lately the end of the world. Like complaining about portion sizes. Or kicking off about kids playing.

This is more about you and your need to fix things(and I am not criticising you for trying to help your gran) than it is about her.

She probably does not need to see you daily. The world will not end if you don't see her one day after a night shift.

Go home and go to bed and see her with you get up. Or phone her.

There is no point having a breakdown because you are poorly stressed and exhausted when there are other things you could be doing and still supporting your gran