Working mum, child starting school

Jox

My son is starting school this year and it's a big landmark for us (especially him of course) but as a working mum I feel I've missed out so much over the past 4.5 years of his life, he's been looked after by my mum, childminder, nursery and I've just been an evening, weekend and holiday mum.

I keep reading posts on facebook of mums saying how much they are going to miss seeing their kids 5 days a week during the day but that has been my reality since he was 6 months old.

It's been really hard balancing work and childcare and wanting to be with him all day and needing to work to pay for mortgage, bills and childcare (!) Every day he wants to be with me and me not to go to work so the guilt has been enormous as well.

Anyone else feel the same or can offer a perspective?

chelseablue

I could of written this myself!

My son was 4 in May and starts school next month.

I went back to work full time when my son was 10 months. Since then he's been with my Mum 2 days a week and nursery 3 days a week.
So see him for about 2 hours in the evening, plus weekends and holidays.

Its bl00dy tough sometimes Sometimes I think why not jack it all in and be a stay at home Mum.
The reasons I've come up with for sticking with it are:

- We own our house so the mortgage (and everything else!) needs to be paid.
- My son will hopefully see the value of work & money when he's older. If you want nice things in life you need to work for them.
- What would I do all day while son is at school? Don't think I could do 6 hours of housework a day :rotfl:
- Adult company, especially when son is a teenager/adult and has a life of his own

gettingtheresometime

Jox wrote: »

My son is starting school this year and it's a big landmark for us (especially him of course) but as a working mum I feel I've missed out so much over the past 4.5 years of his life, he's been looked after by my mum, childminder, nursery and I've just been an evening, weekend and holiday mum.

I keep reading posts on facebook of mums saying how much they are going to miss seeing their kids 5 days a week during the day but that has been my reality since he was 6 months old.

It's been really hard balancing work and childcare and wanting to be with him all day and needing to work to pay for mortgage, bills and childcare (!) Every day he wants to be with me and me not to go to work so the guilt has been enormous as well.

Anyone else feel the same or can offer a perspective?

What I noticed, when I was in your shoes, was my son didn't see going to school as any different to going to his nursery.


Personally I didn't have the guilt as food needed to be on the table and mortgage/bills had to be paid and I soon learnt that you were damned if you did and damned if you didn't.

19carlymarie88

Hi Jox,

I completely sympathise with you and in the same boat with my little girl.

I only had 6 weeks maternity and returned to work part time for 4 months and have been full time since. Luckily I've been able to pay my MIL as we couldn't even afford to put her in nursery which has been a massive help to us!

As soon as she was eligible for the 15hrs childcare I put her in the local school nursery so she had that extra interaction - and bumped it up to the 30hrs free when it was rolled out. Its been amazing watching her grow but still gets me down that I can't pick her up from school (I work from home once a week so that's the only day I do get to).

And like your son, she starts 'big school' in September and all those guilty feelings are creeping back telling me I should be spending more quality time with her rather than being a part time mum! And honestly, I think those feelings will always be there, so cant offer you any really helpful advice. All I can say is that it's not just you at all and it's not worth beating yourself up about as I'm sure your little boy is happy and healthy and knows he is loved (maybe I should take my own advice lol!).

Hope this at least gives you some comfort that you are not alone!! And fingers crossed it does get better for us working mums!


PS: Those mums on facebook are the worse kind (unintentionally of course!) and I try to ignore it so I don't feel like the worst mum in the world for having to work full time!!!

lika_86

Screw other mums on Facebook. Who cares what they think? Do you think that the majority of dads feel this pressure? Do you think they feel guilty for working to earn a living?

You are not an evening, weekend and holiday mum, you are a mum.

You are providing for your family and setting yourself up for a future where you are skilled and have experience and have NI contributions and (presumably) a pension. You are showing your son that a woman's role isn't confined to being a primary caregiver.

Of course your son wants to be with you, he probably also wants ice cream for dinner every night and to watch TV 24 hours a day, but getting what he wants isn't necessarily what is best for him or you.

Jox

Thanks all! It's the reality of modern life that both parents need to work and I've been working since I was 14 (weekends in a shoe shop ) so I'm just used to working and the 6 months maternity leave was the longest I was off work in my life!

I sometimes think why did I have a kid just to palm him off on other people, but I love him so much, I'm grateful for him, it's a shame he won't have any siblings but he's had lots of other kids around him at the childminder's and at nursery.

I'm just feeling a bit down that I "missed out" alot over these 4.5 years while I've been at work but that provided him with a home and clothes and food and holidays and hopefully an example of a work ethic, for all that is worth!

Chelseablue, when I see your posts sometimes I feel that there are some similarities with me!

chelseablue

Jox wrote: »

Thanks both! It's the reality of modern life that both parents need to work and I've been working since I was 14 (weekends in a shoe shop ) so I'm just used to working and the 6 months maternity leave was the longest I was off work in my life!

I sometimes think why did I have a kid just to palm him off on other people, but I love him so much, I'm grateful for him, it's a shame he won't have any siblings but he's had lots of other kids around him at the childminder's and at nursery.

I'm just feeling a bit down that I "missed out" alot over these 4.5 years while I've been at work but that provided him with a home and clothes and food and holidays and hopefully an example of a work ethic, for all that is worth!

Chelseablue, when I see your posts sometimes I feel that there are some similarities with me!

Funny you should say that I think the same!

At the moment I'm happy with 1 so its looking like my son will be an only child too.
Can I ask what made you decide to stick with one?

(apologies if its not through choice, just tell me to mind my own business)

Jox

lika_86 wrote: »

Screw other mums on Facebook. Who cares what they think? Do you think that the majority of dads feel this pressure? Do you think they feel guilty for working to earn a living?

You are not an evening, weekend and holiday mum, you are a mum.

You are providing for your family and setting yourself up for a future where you are skilled and have experience and have NI contributions and (presumably) a pension. You are showing your son that a woman's role isn't confined to being a primary caregiver.

Of course your son wants to be with you, he probably also wants ice cream for dinner every night and to watch TV 24 hours a day, but getting what he wants isn't necessarily what is best for him or you.

Wow, I love all this! Thanks for the powerful words Made me tear up a bit!

Bobby_Wader

You are first and foremost a mum! Supporting your family is nothing to feel guilty about. The majority of Dads will be at work all day, they don't get the grief that working mums get.



As a parent I think there are always things we will feel guilty about that is part of what makes us good parents. We care and we love our kids, which is why we work hard to make sure we can provide a stable, loving home environment.



I feel guilty when my son asks is we can stay at home instead of going to nursery, but I just try and make sure that the time I do spend with him is quality time.



It is a shame that we miss out on things when we are at work, but just think of what we are giving them instead.

Jox

chelseablue wrote: »

Funny you should say that I think the same!

At the moment I'm happy with 1 so its looking like my son will be an only child too.
Can I ask what made you decide to stick with one?

(apologies if its not through choice, just tell me to mind my own business)

He was my 3rd attempt so 3rd time lucky! Not been lucky since and getting on in age plus the working mum thing is hard enough with one so perhaps I should be glad I don't have double the guilt with 2 kids But it would be nice for him to have a sibling, in theory!

chelseablue

Jox wrote: »

He was my 3rd attempt so 3rd time lucky! Not been lucky since and getting on in age plus the working mum thing is hard enough with one so perhaps I should be glad I don't have double the guilt with 2 kids But it would be nice for him to have a sibling, in theory!

Not sure how old you are, but I'm 35 and I don't think I could go through the newborn bit again.

Plus selfishly the end is in sight regarding the nursery fees so I feel I'd be starting from scratch again. Before we got the 30 hours a week we were paying out £850 a month :eek: so we'd have that plus after school club and holiday club!

Plus the logistics of getting them to 2 different places every day.

Least with the one my sons got no one to argue and fight with, that would drive me insane :rotfl: