Depressed about ex-addict daughter, baby grandson and uninterested grandfather

Old_Grey_Mare

elsien wrote: »

What was your husband like with your own children at a similar age? Some people are not baby people and start to relate more to children when they get a bit older, start talking and generally get a bit more interesting.
I have to be honest, I'm one of the "babies bore me witless" brigade, even those that are related to me. Maybe, along with other issues, your OH feels a bit the same.

He never liked children particularly, but he was surprisingly good with the babies. He wasn't exactly a natural but he tried to talk the baby talk and he cuddled them but he was much better with them as they grew older. I'm hoping he will be the same with his grandson.

Red-Squirrel_2

Old_Grey_Mare wrote: »

His several lifelong friends have very successful children and he does compare his friends lives with ours whereas I have never done that. Things are what they are.

Does he never reflect on whether his lack of interest may have been a factor in some of your daughter's difficulties?

unforeseen

What a guilt trip to throw at somebody!

Given that he is now in his mid to late 70s is it really surprising that he is not interested in babies? Maybe after dealing with a problem daughter for so many years he has reached his limit of any sort of compassion for her or her son.

happyandcontented

I can sense your despair over this situation. Does Sally have the capacity to recognise what this is doing to you and your life?

BrassicWoman

There is the option, with adult children, of saying no


Because they are adults


It's fine to do that


No one is entitled to a rescuer


But everyone is entitled to a life of their own

dawyldthing

Blanky123 wrote: »

I get what you mean unforeseen - completely....However the Dad is treating the daughter as an option though.. the mother does not get such luxuries..(not fair on her, at all as Mother is bearing the brunt of daughters issues and Dads disgruntlement about the issues, whilst keeping his distance)

There is only so much any of us can take, and Dad feels he has choices. However the real problem come for those who feel backed into a corner, those who do not have the choice to 'opt out' as such

This kind of forced issue can leave a person feeling a failure, because despite best intentions, NO ONE is happy. Being torn between two people they love. No one should force another into a corner..but it happens,, it is happening to the Op, and it happens to me..every day of my life.


OP, you mentioned support groups. I have tried everything. Literally everything over the last decade....... from support groups, to visiting the GP, medication, meditation, Counselling individually or as a family.. looking for other support , holistic therapies (spent thousands £), the Social services, the council, even got the local MP involved, got a story in our local paper about lack of support in our area, put in complaints to various government bodies...to no avail whatsoever. All the local government bodies do is 'recognise they are failing'.

At this point I am pretty well clued up on local services (i would like to think lol) and I have literally grasped at straws for over a decade now.

Attempting various avenues of help, forcing them, and even getting legal help. There is nothing available that will help my situation. At first I was fairly confident that there has 'got to be something / somebody that can help'...but after so many knock backs and attempts and spending so much time, effort and energy trying to fix things, nothing ever works, and we get no help, over a decade...there literally is nothing

The only peace I will get is to not be here anymore. Sorry to hijack, and apologies if I am upsetting anyone.


Obvs as I mentioned before, I drink every single night (that I am not going anywhere after work) it is the only way I can cope. So apologise if I ramble. Honestly the persons I work with would not recognise me based on this, as no one knows what is going on behind closed doors and that I just hate my life..as I am laughingly in a Managerial position at work. What a joke when I cannot even manage my own life eh

I'd prob from time to time put the phone on silent for a few hours, see how they cope. They might surprise you tbh and could help in the long term

Old_Grey_Mare

Blanky123 wrote: »

Happy and Contented - She doesn't always recognize...but at times yes she does. It isn't all her fault, some of it is illness based..and some of it is brought on by actions. She has drove away all her friends due to the fact she does seem to expect other people to deal with her messes


Brassic woman - Ref the option of saying no..it sounds so easy....Turning my back on my vulnerable daughter because she is legally an adult is an option we are prepared to investigate, it would not end well


Dawdlything - In Sally's case, there is a mixture of real problems / emergencies and just what I would call 'drama' .If I turned my phone off, I could easily miss a serious call. It is a gamble and I cannot relax if my phone is off, as I may be missing a call from the emergency dept of the hospital (which happens several times a year) = or equally, a much much more trivial matter


Anyway thanks for all who have taken the time to respond to me - everything suggested I have thought of or tried, but I do appreciate the suggestions


Feel like I am hijacking now, so will back off a bit


thanks all, and good luck OP x

Please don't feel you are hijacking. I really don't know how to advise you as it sounds like you've explored every option and I do hope things improve for you and Sally.

BrassicWoman

Blanky123 wrote: »

Brassic woman - Ref the option of saying no..it sounds so easy....Turning my back on my vulnerable daughter because she is legally an adult is an option we are prepared to investigate, it would not end well

It may not end well anyway.

At least recognise you are making a choice every day to do what you do. No one is making you do it.

That may help you feel less like a victim/martyr, and more human.

what would happen if she were alone at the emergency department of the hospital for a while? Not much. She has medical professionals doing the caring for a while. so you don't have to. You can turn the phone off for an evening.

I didn't visit every time my elderly parents fall over. It was their choice not to get carers and they would not be shifted on it. They don't get to have me at their beck and call because they make bad choices.

downshifted

This is very difficult but there does come a point where supporting is actually enabling. I guess everyone has to choose where they individually draw the line. But it’s true that it is a choice and best recognised as such

happyandcontented

Blanky123 wrote: »

Happy and Contented - She doesn't always recognize...but at times yes she does. It isn't all her fault, some of it is illness based..and some of it is brought on by actions. She has drove away all her friends due to the fact she does seem to expect other people to deal with her messes


Brassic woman - Ref the option of saying no..it sounds so easy....Turning my back on my vulnerable daughter because she is legally an adult is an option we are prepared to investigate, it would not end well


Dawdlything - In Sally's case, there is a mixture of real problems / emergencies and just what I would call 'drama' .If I turned my phone off, I could easily miss a serious call. It is a gamble and I cannot relax if my phone is off, as I may be missing a call from the emergency dept of the hospital (which happens several times a year) = or equally, a much much more trivial matter


Anyway thanks for all who have taken the time to respond to me - everything suggested I have thought of or tried, but I do appreciate the suggestions


Feel like I am hijacking now, so will back off a bit


thanks all, and good luck OP x

I think ( and, from what you have said, I suspect your husband thinks) that you may have to try to harden your heart to save both your sanity and your marriage.

As BW has said if you turn off your phone for one or two nights a week and she is admitted to hospital she will be in good hands, it is more likely that you will just escape the 'drama' for one night and give yourself chance to restore your batteries. If you have tried everything else but this then perhaps it is time to at least consider it?

Sorry to be blunt, but if you were run over by a bus tomorrow or died suddenly from illness what would happen to your daughter? You have to help her prepare for the eventuality that one day you will not be at the end of the phone to sort out her 'messes'

Does she suffer from a physical or mental illness?