Depressed about ex-addict daughter, baby grandson and uninterested grandfather

Old_Grey_Mare

DigForVictory wrote: »

Your grandson is lucky to have you in his life. Your daughter is. Your husband is. Two have made choices & decisions, the youngest is just getting on with living his life with gusto & has your love & support helping him.

It is wholly possible your husband may eventually wake up & realise he was mistaken in his grandson, but probably not before the hip operation (all the best!) He may also think he should get your weekend attention too - but that's a different discussion that could & should be between two grownups.

If you can, stick at it. Continuity, consistent love & affection, pretty much unjudging love & approval? You'll be adored, even if you have to hang onto the furniture or a stick or cheer them on from a wheelchair. I've seen my mother-in-law adore her grandsons without question, cosset them, listen to them, remember their favourite foods, & she is held in absolute love & affection. My parents are more of an educational book or instructive toy source & the difference in their realtionship with their grandsons is clear (and painful) to see.

I think you are on the right path - stick at it as long as you can & give people a chance to improve. You may be disappointed, but I think your grandson will not let you down.

This made me smile, thank you. My parents were very distant towards my children and they have no happy memories of them whereas my inlaws although old when the children were born were all that your mother-in-law was.

Old_Grey_Mare

happyandcontented wrote: »

Perhaps your husband is afraid of developing a relationship with the baby in case your daughter relapses and then social services step in, or he fears she might have her partner back in her life and once again will become distant from her family.

Have you asked him why? Maybe it is not as clear-cut as he may be suggesting.

My husband cut the emotional ties with our daughter many years ago which is something I couldn't do. He said he did his bit with our children, he doesn't particularly like children anyway. I knew all this although he was a good dad to our kids.

Old_Grey_Mare

duchy wrote: »

Whilst a loving , involved ,extended family may seem like the ideal in these days of mobile families and relationship breakdowns many children grow up with just one or two important and involved people in their lives and grow up happy and well adjusted.
Your daughter is still on her treatment program, the child's father is trying to sort himself out and the child is happy and healthy . Focus on the positives . One step at a time. Things are definitely better than they were just a short time ago.

You are right. I try not to dwell on big happy families as that is something I never had anyway. I am usually an optimistic person just the odd day when I feel down. Baby is a delight, happy, healthy and bright. Like you say one step at a time.

iammumtoone

Could it be that your husband is protecting himself? He doesn't want to get close to his grandchild in case they are taken into care due to his daughters problems (very unlikely to happen but maybe your husband thinks it, he grew up in a different time when something like that would happen). Same as cutting her out, perhaps he believes it will save him getting upset later down the line if something tragic were to happen.


I read lots of positives in your story you may not be able to see them but your daughter is off heroin with something to live for, she has help and support from SS and yourself. It sounds like the father is making an effort to connect with his child which will only be better for the child and your daughter.


I would not worry about what you perceive as lack of family, people are having babies much older now many born don't have surviving grandparents. The fathers side might come round once the father starts to have more contact. When your grandchild gets older your husband will not be able to ignore them, they will be climbing on on his knee and talking to him etc, I am sure at that stage he will not be able to resist only heartless person could ignore a child speaking to them and I am sure your husband isn't.

Old_Grey_Mare

TBagpuss wrote: »

I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time and that your husband is not supportive.

I agree that this may in part be that he is scared of getting attached.

It's really good that your daughter is keeping to the programme and that she has your support.

Have you spoken to your grandchild's social worker about whether they can provide any additional support? For instance, whether they can help with short term respite care wile you are recovering for your operation?

Social Services tend to be overworked and under funded so it's unlikely that you will be offered extra help if you appear to be coping, but if you ask, especially if it is a request for a limited time and for a specific reason, then they may be able to help.

alternatively, would it b practical for your daughter to come to stay temporarily so that she can help look after you when you come out of hospital, but you can help by perhaps being able to keep an eye on your grandchild but have your daughter within - that might still give her a bit of a break, without you having to be responsible for your grandchild while you are yourself recuperating.

Longer term, it may be sensible to have a discussion with your husband, and then with your daughter, about what you can and can't do in the longer term.

For instance, if your daughter were to relapse and wasn't able to care for her child, would you be in position to offer yourself as a full time carer, or would that be something you were not able to do or that your husband would not agree to even if the alternative were the chi;d being placed for adoption outside the family.

What support do you have? Do you have a supportive friend you are able to talk to? If not, consider whether it might be useful to you to look into what resources are available for kin ships carers through your local authority (ask the social worker) or whether there are other resources such as online forums or a therapist, so you are taking care of your self as well as supporting your daughter and grandchild. Is your husband supportive generally, even if he won't help directly with your grandchild?

You raise some interesting points. I haven't had any contact with the social worker since they closed the case but it might be worth talking to them about additional support. I was also going to ask the childminder if she could offer any more days - or even just mornings.

My husband wouldn't be happy to have them here even temporarily. I will endeavour to get back on my feet as quickly as possible even if all I can do is sit him on my knee.

The conversation of being full time carers came up over dinner with my sister and husband who is himself a social worker. To say my husband was horrified is an understatement. He would rather the baby was adopted. I really don't think I would want it either. I'll help as much as is needed but I couldn't care for him in a permanent basis.

I do have a couple of supportive friends and of course my sister who is a counsellor and brother-in-law a social worker. I've never been one to think about seeing a therapist or counsellor. Just having a talk with friends is about the extent of it. I've never even talked about the problems on a forum - this is the first time.

Old_Grey_Mare

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

To be honest your husband could be resenting the situation. This is not the life he had planned


And who can blame that, Not everyone is hoping for later life retirement years etc to be crammed of nappies and childrearing and problems. It is not the life he had hoped for, that much is clear. And you can't blame him for that. I mean none of us have kids expecting to still be mopping up after them 35 years later when it is problem after problem with no end whatsoever in site, ever...and let's face it, most of it is self imposed


it does get to you and you see all your friends adult offspring getting jobs, buying houses and career prospects, and there is parental envy there. By later life, the childrearing stress should, traditionally be off, and life a little easier


He thought life was going to be different....no doubt did you though


I am not saying he is right in his attitude, far from it, he is selfish - however surely later life is about thinking about what YOU want from life...and no one else seems to be considering you at all


What is the point if life is full of other peoples problems, self inflicted or otherwise. It sounds like an existence , and a pretty grim one....what about in another ten years, or twenty?

You have hit the nail on the head. Although we've been married 40 years, my husband is ultimately quite a selfish man and has always put his hobbies and interests - although not exactly first - then a very close second. He is 17 years older than me and almost 40 when we had our first child. His attitude is he hasn't got that much longer on this earth so he is going to enjoy every last minute of it and children are not enjoyment.

His several lifelong friends have very successful children and he does compare his friends lives with ours whereas I have never done that. Things are what they are.

elsien

What was your husband like with your own children at a similar age? Some people are not baby people and start to relate more to children when they get a bit older, start talking and generally get a bit more interesting.
I have to be honest, I'm one of the "babies bore me witless" brigade, even those that are related to me. Maybe, along with other issues, your OH feels a bit the same.

Old_Grey_Mare

Blanky123 wrote: »

Hi OP - (old user under new username here - sorry but felt it necessary as feel I may get flamed for certain things, but being more honest here than I have ever been with anyone


Your situation - This is pretty much my life, to be honest.


Supporting an adult offspring - (Sally) with ingrained ongoing issues (some illness issues and some brought on by self) , whilst I am working 50 + hours a week, and my partner offers no help whatsoever and frowns at the help I give. However Sally is vulnerable and has no other family.


Had major surgery myself earlier this year, and adult offspring issues kicks off to the endth degree during the supposed recuperation period


Someone earlier mentioned resentment. I could write a book


Do I regret having kids? Well sometimes I actually do, as this who situation has completely and totally taken over my life entirely, and will likely be the cause of the breakup of my marriage .


I have looked after Sally since I was a teenager. Alone for the most part and in very difficult circumstances ...all the time buoying myself up that things would be easier as time went on and Sally grew up .


I thought this stage of my life I am at now...would be having foreign holidays and relaxing, but far from it - I never have any money as constantly bailing out Sally for various issues. and they are always very expensive


Things are so much worse now than when Sally was little....., the constant worry, anxiety and stress of what a thirty something year old is doing, or will do, or wont do what they are supposed to be doing always have implications that I end up dealing with somehow


I have no life, I barely have a marriage. I am on anti depressants myself and often contemplate just not being here any more


I cant see how things will ever change


My husband actually left once before due to all of the above,and I don't hold it against him, its an awful situation.


I feel envy of when people talk about their children and then turn round and ask how Sally is. Really there is not a lot to boast or feel proud about


and then even feeling like that makes me feel awful


I don't want to be here anymore.


I have tried counseling, for myself and as a family and made no difference, just seems like it'll never stop until I die . Tried to get social services involved but no use and other various agencies but no one seems to be able to assist, so sick of trying


The only way I gt through each day, is when I get home, I drink. every night. a lot

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and can understand how you feel completely. I can relate to all your problems except in the evening I don't drink, just eat everything in the house, get fat so now I need hips replacing.

I do look at other parents - acquaintances - beside themselves because their child has failed an exam or fallen out with their partners and I silently scream as they have no idea what it it's like to have lived what seems a lifetime nightmares. I've only ever told a couple of people our family situation and on the outside I'm optimistic and cheerful but inside I'm not.

I had my daughter when I was 21 and she was a very difficult baby and I sometimes flipped my lid and screamed at her so you get all this guilt that I caused all these problems. Like you I honestly thought that by my late 50s I would be having weekends away, foreign holidays etc, instead of spending most days trying to keep the family afloat.

Old_Grey_Mare

Blanky123 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply


No hubby is not Sallys father. Me and hubby met when Sally was 13., and she's early 30s now..He has put up with a lot over the years


Ive tried that with the GP, they gave me Anti Depressants and offered counseling. Tried both but I hated counseling, it felt like constantly ripping a plaster off


I actually feel better writing all that down, in some weird way

I feel better also writing my story down. I suppose that's why some people keep a diary. My sister encouraged me to attend a self help group for families of drug addicts. I didn't but maybe I should give it a go. Is there a self help group you could attend?

Old_Grey_Mare

iammumtoone wrote: »

Could it be that your husband is protecting himself? He doesn't want to get close to his grandchild in case they are taken into care due to his daughters problems (very unlikely to happen but maybe your husband thinks it, he grew up in a different time when something like that would happen). Same as cutting her out, perhaps he believes it will save him getting upset later down the line if something tragic were to happen.


I read lots of positives in your story you may not be able to see them but your daughter is off heroin with something to live for, she has help and support from SS and yourself. It sounds like the father is making an effort to connect with his child which will only be better for the child and your daughter.


I would not worry about what you perceive as lack of family, people are having babies much older now many born don't have surviving grandparents. The fathers side might come round once the father starts to have more contact. When your grandchild gets older your husband will not be able to ignore them, they will be climbing on on his knee and talking to him etc, I am sure at that stage he will not be able to resist only heartless person could ignore a child speaking to them and I am sure your husband isn't.

I agree on a lot of your points. When the baby is older and running around shouting "Grandad", how will it be possible to ignore him and I am quietly confident this is when he will begin to bond with him.

I was a bit uneasy when my daughter told me that the baby's father was back on the scene but pleased that he was going for counselling and to my daughter's credit, this was one of the stipulations of him seeing the baby. And surely even limited contact with his father is better than none at all. I don't think the father's family will ever want any contact.