Depressed about ex-addict daughter, baby grandson and uninterested grandfather

Old_Grey_Mare

I apologise beforehand about the following essay. Maybe its the Monday blues but I do need some advice.

My 35 year old daughter has been addicted to heroin since she was 15. She worked until she was 20 but then turned to a life of prostitution and for many years we didn't know whether she would live or die. We weren't extranged but didn't see much of her.

Two years ago she met a Pakistani man. She seemed happy but didn't realise at the time he was just about to go to prison for two years. She visited him regularly in prison and was optimistic about her future.

He hadn't long been released when she told us she was pregnant. We were pretty devastated as she was still on heroin. We informed Children's Social Services who got involved. She was told she must go on a methodone programme or the baby could potentially be damaged and then they would obviously intervene when the baby was born.

My husband didn't want her living with us and she wasn't allowed to live with her boyfriend due to his being out on licence. She was placed in a hostel.

When the baby was born, we had meetings with the Social Services and it was agreed she live with us as she had to have a Ceasarean and the hostel wasn't suitable. It was while she was with us that the extent of the boyfriends control of her became apparent. He used to scream at her when visiting her and was very rough with the baby. When my husband intervened he got quite nasty and the police were called. My daughter then told us he had been hitting her and she was scared of him.

My daughter was then allocated a lovely Council house. The boyfriend would follow her when she left the house and then bang on the door demanding to be let in to see his son and the police and Social Services were constant visitors.

Anyway the baby is now 8 months old. I have looked after him every weekend since he was born to give my daughter a break. She is still on methodone and finds the mornings very difficult to cope as the baby still has broken nights and is a little livewire.

The dad eventually realised his behaviour was getting him nowhere and he does seem genuinely fond of his son. He now has weekly counselling and has admitted his dad regularly abused his mother and his two brothers. He sees my daughter on the night that I have him and they go out as a family once a week.

Things do seem a bit more positive but still depressed about a few things. My husband is completely uninterested in the baby and hardly even looks at him. I have tried and asked him to hold the baby but he refuses. He sees him as the product of two hopeless individuals and has already written him off. I worry that the baby will soon pick up on his attitude and although I give him as much attention as I can, is this enough?

The dad's family have absolutely nothing to do with my daughter or the baby. So out of four grandparents and two uncles, the only family he sees regularly is me and his mum. I am due to have a hip replacement so will be out of action for a few weeks. I pay for the baby to go to a childminder twice a week, mainly to give my daughter a break, but also so the baby can play with other children in a 'busy' family setting. The childminder loves him.

I feel better already writing all this down. Thanks for reading.

dawyldthing

The main thing is she is still having treatment. Might be worth keep checking in with her to check the bloke isn't being bad, but ultimately we can't change their choices of partners. As for your partner, he might come round. He might be depressed if he seems withdrawn full stop. You and your daughter love the baby. I think as long as children are cared for it's the main thing

DigForVictory

Your grandson is lucky to have you in his life. Your daughter is. Your husband is. Two have made choices & decisions, the youngest is just getting on with living his life with gusto & has your love & support helping him.

It is wholly possible your husband may eventually wake up & realise he was mistaken in his grandson, but probably not before the hip operation (all the best!) He may also think he should get your weekend attention too - but that's a different discussion that could & should be between two grownups.

If you can, stick at it. Continuity, consistent love & affection, pretty much unjudging love & approval? You'll be adored, even if you have to hang onto the furniture or a stick or cheer them on from a wheelchair. I've seen my mother-in-law adore her grandsons without question, cosset them, listen to them, remember their favourite foods, & she is held in absolute love & affection. My parents are more of an educational book or instructive toy source & the difference in their realtionship with their grandsons is clear (and painful) to see.

I think you are on the right path - stick at it as long as you can & give people a chance to improve. You may be disappointed, but I think your grandson will not let you down.

happyandcontented

Perhaps your husband is afraid of developing a relationship with the baby in case your daughter relapses and then social services step in, or he fears she might have her partner back in her life and once again will become distant from her family.

Have you asked him why? Maybe it is not as clear-cut as he may be suggesting.

duchy

Whilst a loving , involved ,extended family may seem like the ideal in these days of mobile families and relationship breakdowns many children grow up with just one or two important and involved people in their lives and grow up happy and well adjusted.
Your daughter is still on her treatment program, the child's father is trying to sort himself out and the child is happy and healthy . Focus on the positives . One step at a time. Things are definitely better than they were just a short time ago.

TBagpuss

I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time and that your husband is not supportive.

I agree that this may in part be that he is scared of getting attached.

It's really good that your daughter is keeping to the programme and that she has your support.

Have you spoken to your grandchild's social worker about whether they can provide any additional support? For instance, whether they can help with short term respite care wile you are recovering for your operation?

Social Services tend to be overworked and under funded so it's unlikely that you will be offered extra help if you appear to be coping, but if you ask, especially if it is a request for a limited time and for a specific reason, then they may be able to help.

alternatively, would it b practical for your daughter to come to stay temporarily so that she can help look after you when you come out of hospital, but you can help by perhaps being able to keep an eye on your grandchild but have your daughter within - that might still give her a bit of a break, without you having to be responsible for your grandchild while you are yourself recuperating.

Longer term, it may be sensible to have a discussion with your husband, and then with your daughter, about what you can and can't do in the longer term.

For instance, if your daughter were to relapse and wasn't able to care for her child, would you be in position to offer yourself as a full time carer, or would that be something you were not able to do or that your husband would not agree to even if the alternative were the chi;d being placed for adoption outside the family.

What support do you have? Do you have a supportive friend you are able to talk to? If not, consider whether it might be useful to you to look into what resources are available for kin ships carers through your local authority (ask the social worker) or whether there are other resources such as online forums or a therapist, so you are taking care of your self as well as supporting your daughter and grandchild. Is your husband supportive generally, even if he won't help directly with your grandchild?

pickledonionspaceraider

To be honest your husband could be resenting the situation. This is not the life he had planned


And who can blame that, Not everyone is hoping for later life retirement years etc to be crammed of nappies and childrearing and problems. It is not the life he had hoped for, that much is clear. And you can't blame him for that. I mean none of us have kids expecting to still be mopping up after them 35 years later when it is problem after problem with no end whatsoever in site, ever...and let's face it, most of it is self imposed


it does get to you and you see all your friends adult offspring getting jobs, buying houses and career prospects, and there is parental envy there. By later life, the childrearing stress should, traditionally be off, and life a little easier


He thought life was going to be different....no doubt did you though


I am not saying he is right in his attitude, far from it, he is selfish - however surely later life is about thinking about what YOU want from life...and no one else seems to be considering you at all


What is the point if life is full of other peoples problems, self inflicted or otherwise. It sounds like an existence , and a pretty grim one....what about in another ten years, or twenty?

Red-Squirrel_2

It sounds like your husband could benefit from some counselling, he's had a lot to come to terms with but to feel so little for his own baby grandson suggests he's quite deeply traumatised/depressed to me (I am not a professional though, to be clear). Would he be open to a visit to the GP to talk about it?

Blanky123

Hi OP - (old user under new username here - sorry but felt it necessary as feel I may get flamed for certain things, but being more honest here than I have ever been with anyone


Your situation - This is pretty much my life, to be honest.


Supporting an adult offspring - (Sally) with ingrained ongoing issues (some illness issues and some brought on by self) , whilst I am working 50 + hours a week, and my partner offers no help whatsoever and frowns at the help I give. However Sally is vulnerable and has no other family.


Had major surgery myself earlier this year, and adult offspring issues kicks off to the endth degree during the supposed recuperation period


Someone earlier mentioned resentment. I could write a book


Do I regret having kids? Well sometimes I actually do, as this who situation has completely and totally taken over my life entirely, and will likely be the cause of the breakup of my marriage .


I have looked after Sally since I was a teenager. Alone for the most part and in very difficult circumstances ...all the time buoying myself up that things would be easier as time went on and Sally grew up .


I thought this stage of my life I am at now...would be having foreign holidays and relaxing, but far from it - I never have any money as constantly bailing out Sally for various issues. and they are always very expensive


Things are so much worse now than when Sally was little....., the constant worry, anxiety and stress of what a thirty something year old is doing, or will do, or wont do what they are supposed to be doing always have implications that I end up dealing with somehow


I have no life, I barely have a marriage. I am on anti depressants myself and often contemplate just not being here any more


I cant see how things will ever change


My husband actually left once before due to all of the above,and I don't hold it against him, its an awful situation.


I feel envy of when people talk about their children and then turn round and ask how Sally is. Really there is not a lot to boast or feel proud about


and then even feeling like that makes me feel awful


I don't want to be here anymore.


I have tried counseling, for myself and as a family and made no difference, just seems like it'll never stop until I die . Tried to get social services involved but no use and other various agencies but no one seems to be able to assist, so sick of trying


The only way I gt through each day, is when I get home, I drink. every night. a lot

happyandcontented

Blanky123, I can only offer my sympathy, it must very hard. I can only guess at your trauma, sadness and disappointment. I think you do need to see your GP though and be as painfully honest with him as you have been here.

Is your husband Sally's father? Regardless, it must be very hard for him too.

I hope you can manage to get some help and find some solutions.

Blanky123

Thanks for your reply


No hubby is not Sallys father. Me and hubby met when Sally was 13., and she's early 30s now..He has put up with a lot over the years


Ive tried that with the GP, they gave me Anti Depressants and offered counseling. Tried both but I hated counseling, it felt like constantly ripping a plaster off


I actually feel better writing all that down, in some weird way