Separation & Negative Equity

Teamocil

You really can't give her any money here. If she wants half, then she wants to owe the bank £15k. There's no money there.

sunsout

BoGoF wrote: »

Not to sound harsh, but she has seen how easy it is to get money out of you in the past and she is looking for one last payday.

Seriously, add up what you have paid to clear her cards, pay her courses......how much?

Good question. I haven't kept an accurate count but has to be 20k as an absolute minimum on cards, debts, courses alone. Add to that my always paying for our social expenditure, nights out, holidays etc as I have always been the high earner earning at least double what she does. I'm in poor health now and spent the thick end of a year out of work a couple of years ago. During that time I lived off some savings I had from a share payout at work and managed to go back into work just before the money ran out so now I have what I earn each month & because of my health issues I don't really get out much any more due to mobility issues which again seems to frustrate her. I do wonder whether she is using her reasons as an excuse & how much of a factor it is that A) I am pretty ill and only going to get worse As a result I have less cash for bailing her out in future/doing stuff and she doesn't like what that might mean for her in future (i.e. her having to be the breadwinner and sort everything out instead of me).

BoGoF

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you are best shot of her.....one of lifes takers.

Loanranger

Make an appointment with your mortgage lender, ensuring the appointment is convenient for her to attend with you, and asked them to explain the situation to her in words that she can understand, that is not using the words negative equity as she very evidently has no idea what this means. She probably thinks you are trying to deceive her and therefore you need a third party to explain the situation to her. Be firm with her, give her notice after the appointment and let her know she will not be getting anything. You have Molly coddled her for 15 years and now she must stand on her own two feet.

sunsout

BoGoF wrote: »

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you are best shot of her.....one of lifes takers.

Cheers BOGOF. I try and not think about it but it's hard to deny that I've probably coddled her more than I should have but then again I thought this was going to be my life for the foreseeable so you try and look after those around you as best you can. Unfortunately I had no foresight to predict my future health issues when we first got together to give her a warning! Does feel a little bit like she has realised she can't milk the cow any more and doesn't want to have to be the one earning the money if I have to finish work due to ill health which is a distinct possibility in the very near future (5 years) from what I have been told. Not even thought about what that means for me house-wise!! One battle at a time.

Loanranger

Blimey, she's bailing out just when you need her! A real piece of work, methinks. Get shut.

sunsout

Loanranger wrote: »

Blimey, she's bailing out just when you need her! A real piece of work, methinks. Get shut.

It's just a hunch, it could be coincidental or perhaps she was hoping I'd change my mind about kids/bigger, more expensive house etc but I've always been up front about my views about all that. Whatever gives people that longing for parenthood I simply don't have it in me and I've never given false hope in that regard as it'd be a mistake to say "I might feel differently in a year" when equally I might not and you've kept someone hanging on.

My folks had nothing when I was a child. Often they'd forego food so me and my sisters could eat & the stress was palpable in the 90s when rates rocketed, I saw what it did to my parents so all of this together instilled a very strong sense of living within your means coupled with being risk averse. As we've seen our friends take out ridiculous mortgages to keep up with the Jones' and seeing what it does to people it just made me even more focused on sticking to my principles rather than just going along with things for an easy life as her mind has evidently changed from our initial shared worldview.

Don't get me wrong; I'm no picnic to live with either given the health issues I have since the accident. I hardly live an exciting/active life and if I'm not working then I'm at home so socially she tends to do that without me most of the time. I've tried going out but more often than not I end up in agony and have to go home early ruining everyones night vs. if I just hadn't gone in the first place. As such, she is often socialising with people when I'm not there. I spend most of my days in fairly severe pain or I take the prescribed medication which puts me to sleep so there's no real middle ground where I feel OK. At the minute I'm really just gritting teeth and trying to ride things out for as long as possible. My employer has been excellent with me, they allow me to work from home as much as I need to etc which is a huge relief as I can always manage to get my laptop and do a bit.

Teamocil

sunsout wrote: »

As a result I have less cash for bailing her out in future/doing stuff and she doesn't like what that might mean for her in future (i.e. her having to be the breadwinner and sort everything out instead of me).

Yeah, there's no word I can use on this forum for this woman. Ask yourself, if situations were reversed, what would you have done if she struggled to work and couldn't pay her way? I suspect you'd have worked harder and paid more.

Get her out of your life. She's a parasite. There we go, that's a word I can probably get away with using here.

Thrugelmir

sunsout wrote: »

Thanks. I'm very keen to avoid going to court.

The case will never to court. No solicitor is going to advise your partner to do so (who is going to pay their fees). In the most basic of terms any judge would throw the case out of court. As there's nothing to arbitrate on.

Offer to help her on her way. You are in negative equity. However you still have a home. With the opportunity to repay the debt owed in the years ahead.

financegeek

You sound like a lovely person sunsout. Caring, genuine and honest. Please do not give this leech any more of your money, she doesn't (afaik but i'm not a lawyer) have any claim to your personal income / savings, there's no equity in the house and she's had it lucky living pretty much mortgage / rent free since you've been there.

i can't see a solicitor taking the case on.. there's nothing to fight for (unless she wants 50% of the negative equity?)

it sounds like you're trying to break up the right way and she's throwing her toys out the pram as she's not got the parting gift she wants. If i were you if she doesn't co operate i'd give her a weeks notice to get out, then change the locks. she won't be homeless (she has her parents) and otherwise you'll be waiting forever for her to save up a deposit for her own place. her commuting from her parents is no longer your issue.

She's broken up with you. She should have thought about these things before doing so and her welfare is no longer your responsibility. get her out, find yourself again then find someone who truly appreciates you and never look back!

good luck