Divorced and childcare payment question

Metalmama

Hello All,

I am a single Mum with a 19 year old and 10 year old.

I've been divorced just over 5 years, my ex ran up a considerable amount of debt unbeknown to me.

Due to his finances, he pays no child support but the court order stipulates he has to pay the mortgage until the 10 year old completes his full-time education.

I have health conditions which makes it hard for me to gain employment. I am currently doing four part time jobs to keep the house running and bills paid. Ex is on £40k and has remarried, has been on multiple holidays this year, including going to Australia at Christmas, meaning I have the 10 year old for 3 Christmas' running. He pays NOTHING towards the kids. I kit my eldest out for uni, and buy them both all their essentials such as uniform, clothes etc.

Recently he took our son out of school for a short break despite me requesting him not to do so. As a result, I paid for a childcare session which my son missed due to his Dad's plans.

I have asked my ex for the monies and was told as it was my arrangement, he was not going to pay it. So if this is the case, I could pay for multiple sessions and he could take our son and I would still have to pay them. Right.......

I don't think this is right at all. Does anyone know if this is true? Makes no sense if it is.

He also changes his weekends over and I get no consultation, leaving me to cancel my plans to accomodate his requirements.

:mad:

BrassicWoman

But he is still paying the mortgage so you have no rent to pay?

Comms69

You!!!8217;re paying for someone else to look after your child; whether it!!!8217;s your ex or a company makes no difference.

You do not have to cancel your plans, presumably the court order also orders contact.

LilElvis

You might not be getting child maintenance but you are getting your mortgage paid - it would be rare to get both.

Whilst it might be galling to have paid for childcare which goes unused the only time when you could reasonably expect him to pay for it is if you incur additional charges due to him cancelling his contact visits.

If you're unhappy about him cancelling and changing contact and taking your son out of school then you can take him back to court to have arrangements formalised.

If it makes you feel any better, someone who is paying a mortgage on a property, maintaining another household and going on multiple holidays a year - all on £40k p.a. - is almost certainly doing so by running up debt.

TBagpuss

have you contacted the CMS? Read your court order first but unless the order explicitly states that the mortgage payments are to be treated as Child Support and counted towards any liability he has, you could apply to the CMS and they will assess what he should pay for child support.

depending on how the order is worded, it may be open to him to seek to change the amount he pays towards the mortgage so I would recommend that you speak to your solicitor before you take any action.

In relation to the contact issues, you don't have to agree if he seeks to change a weekend. If he wants to have the children on a weekend when you've got plans, just say no.

It is more difficult if he is failing to show up when they are due to be with him, as it is extremely hard to force someone to have contact and while you could simply take the children to his and drop them off, that's hard for the children. However, assuming that he does actually want to see them, if you say no when he wants to see them on your weekends because he didn't have them on his, it may encourage him to plan better. (i.e. if he just tells you he''ll have them next weekend instead of this, and you change your plans to accommodate that, then there is no reason for him to change as he's getting what he wants/ If he tells you he can't have them next weekend so he wants them this weekend instead and you say 'sorry, we've got plans. You can see them in 4 weeks time when it's your next weekend' then he has more of an incentive to plan better.

You can also decide how much notice would be reasonable and factor that it -so then you might be saying to him "I can't swap because it's too short notice. Normally if you give me at least 2 weeks notice of you want to swap a weekend I will be able to agree" then it may encourage him to give you enough nituce that you are not having to change plans. (You can do this if it is him cancelling, too - if he says that he can't have the children on 'his' weekend it would not be unreasonable for you to say "Unfortunately, I've got plans this weekend so you will need to make arrangements for child care if you are not personally available" - you can't actually force him to do it but you can make the point that it is up to him to sort out.

Do you currently have a contact order in place?

Metalmama

BrassicWoman wrote: »

But he is still paying the mortgage so you have no rent to pay?

Yes that is correct.

It is the mortgage he is paying only.

Metalmama

Comms69 wrote: »

You!!!8217;re paying for someone else to look after your child; whether it!!!8217;s your ex or a company makes no difference.

You do not have to cancel your plans, presumably the court order also orders contact.

I did not have to cancel, but have paid for a session which was essentially wasted as I paid and my son did not attend.

Comms69

Metalmama wrote: »

I did not have to cancel, but have paid for a session which was essentially wasted as I paid and my son did not attend.

You paid for someone to look after your son.


Your son was looked after.


You lost NOTHING.

Rubik

How much did the missed session cost?

Metalmama

TBagpuss wrote: »

have you contacted the CMS? Read your court order first but unless the order explicitly states that the mortgage payments are to be treated as Child Support and counted towards any liability he has, you could apply to the CMS and they will assess what he should pay for child support.

depending on how the order is worded, it may be open to him to seek to change the amount he pays towards the mortgage so I would recommend that you speak to your solicitor before you take any action.

In relation to the contact issues, you don't have to agree if he seeks to change a weekend. If he wants to have the children on a weekend when you've got plans, just say no.

It is more difficult if he is failing to show up when they are due to be with him, as it is extremely hard to force someone to have contact and while you could simply take the children to his and drop them off, that's hard for the children. However, assuming that he does actually want to see them, if you say no when he wants to see them on your weekends because he didn't have them on his, it may encourage him to plan better. (i.e. if he just tells you he''ll have them next weekend instead of this, and you change your plans to accommodate that, then there is no reason for him to change as he's getting what he wants/ If he tells you he can't have them next weekend so he wants them this weekend instead and you say 'sorry, we've got plans. You can see them in 4 weeks time when it's your next weekend' then he has more of an incentive to plan better.

You can also decide how much notice would be reasonable and factor that it -so then you might be saying to him "I can't swap because it's too short notice. Normally if you give me at least 2 weeks notice of you want to swap a weekend I will be able to agree" then it may encourage him to give you enough nituce that you are not having to change plans. (You can do this if it is him cancelling, too - if he says that he can't have the children on 'his' weekend it would not be unreasonable for you to say "Unfortunately, I've got plans this weekend so you will need to make arrangements for child care if you are not personally available" - you can't actually force him to do it but you can make the point that it is up to him to sort out.

Do you currently have a contact order in place?

There is no contact order in place. I was advised on Wikivorce that that is usually agreed mutually betweeen both parties, and orders are only put in if there is an issue.

I am not pursuing CM as he pays the mortgage, I am just disputing the fact that I have paid for a childcare sesssion which was essentially a waste of money for me.

I spoke to a solicitor last year and was told I could apply for CM but the he could say he could not afford both and get the order changed. I am not going to risk that.

I don't like that fact I get a pathetic spreadsheet with dates on and they have been changed without asking. Common courtesy to ask and not assume. Or maybe not in his case.

marliepanda

Metalmama wrote: »

I am not pursuing CM as he pays the mortgage, I am just disputing the fact that I have paid for a childcare sesssion which was essentially a waste of money for me.

The thing is though you have not lost money. If the dad didnt show up you will have spent it anyway.

I understand you feel that money is wasted but he didnt cause you to 'lose' any money.