Being bought out of my house

ST1991

So i know i need paid legal advice, and i'm sure this question has been asked a million times, but i still want to ask for your opinion on my specific circumstances.

Me and my husband have split.
Amongst the initial stages of our split, he kicked me out (onto a family members sofa) on 2 occasions for short periods of time (1-3 weeks each)
On the last occasion i felt threatened by him, and he really scared me - so i was out for 2 weeks before having to move back in because i had nowhere else to go and felt it wasn't right to be kicked out of a house which is equally ours.

I then decided i had to move out for my own sake, as it was too stressful to live there are argue every day.
I agreed that i would help cover the utility bills (perhaps stupid, but sometimes im too nice...) as well as of course half of the mortgage, life and home insurances. This is alongside the rent and utility bills i pay for the new place i rent. This is pushing my funds to the breaking point...

So.. we got a few valuations, looked great, he told the estate agent a date we would be back in touch to market it - that came and went. He now wants to buy me out of the house instead.

I feel he is now comfortable in the house with me covering some of the utilities, and not in a rush to proceed with either avenue. I don't want to anger him anymore as its already a somewhat volatile situation and I've been extremely emotional about it.
Not sure if this is relevant, but he earns considerably more money than me - but as i'm the one who left him, he thinks its only 'fair' that i continue to pay as it was my decision not his despite me stacking up bills i can barely afford.

So, buying me out of the house....
He doesn't want to offer me half of the equity we'd get selling based on the estate agent's valuation, and on top of that thinks i 'don't deserve it' (whole different issue). We've worked out the fees, early redemption charges on the mortgage etc before we came to an 'equity' figure.
Unhappy with the estate agents valuation (although happy to sell at that price...) he has asked me to get an independent valuation of the house, which i have to pay for, and we can then decide on a price to 'pay me to go away' after that.

My questions:
Should i really be paying for the valuation, as it is him who wants to buy me out when i'm just happy to sell?
What happens if the independent valuation is considerably less than the estate agent? He is worried about me 'whispering in the ear' of the independent valuer to try and make them give an inflated cost, but surely he can do the same to make it lower?
What happens if we don't agree on a price, or the valuation comes back too low and i'm not happy with the amount he offers me?
What happens if, based on that, i just want to sell the house but he doesn't...?
Lastly, have i accidentally lost any rights by moving out of my own house temporarily?

I have considering moving back in until this whole mess is sorted, but whilst on paper that may seem like the logical thing to do, it's something i really don't want to...

Sorry if this is too much, or similarly if i can give any more information to get a helpful response id be happy to.

sam_r2d2

You are right, you definitely need paid for legal advice as this guy is sending up so many red flags it's untrue!

Regarding question 1 - No you don't have too - as you said, he might decide its not the figure that he wants to pay, then all that happens is you have paid out hundreds for a worthless piece of paper that he won't acknowledge.

The other questions are basically answered in that too - If you both can't agree on a price then it will be down to a court to sort out.

I fear it has gone past this point but it might be an idea to look at mediation for this situation before expensive lawyers get involved.

AdrianC

The financial settlement between you is decided by the court as part of the divorce, if you can't agree among yourselves, not by whether one partner thinks the other "deserves" it.



Getting several valuations - you booking some, him booking others - is the sensible way forward, then sit down and agree what figure makes sense in light of them all. If you need somebody to mediate, do you have a neutral friend who you both trust? If not, then that needs to go to your lawyers, too.

ST1991

sam_r2d2 wrote: »

You are right, you definitely need paid for legal advice as this guy is sending up so many red flags it's untrue!

Regarding question 1 - No you don't have too - as you said, he might decide its not the figure that he wants to pay, then all that happens is you have paid out hundreds for a worthless piece of paper that he won't acknowledge.

The other questions are basically answered in that too - If you both can't agree on a price then it will be down to a court to sort out.

I fear it has gone past this point but it might be an idea to look at mediation for this situation before expensive lawyers get involved.

Thankyou.
This situation is so stressful, and although this is of course only my side of the story, he just doesn't see how he is being purposefully difficult and really, straight up unfair. I am trying to look at the situation in a non-emotional way in order to sort the house out, but he well not let it drop that i've left him and our relationship is over. The aftermath of the split has at least made it seem like the right decision...!
I understand that this kind of situation for him is FAR from ideal, but he just can't deal with the house in a non-emotional way at the moment as he's clearly still very angry at me

I don't have the money for legal costs, so i'm going to speak to a solicitor that offers 30mins free and hopefully that will at least give me the first step up of how to handle this.

ST1991

AdrianC wrote: »

The financial settlement between you is decided by the court as part of the divorce, if you can't agree among yourselves, not by whether one partner thinks the other "deserves" it.



Getting several valuations - you booking some, him booking others - is the sensible way forward, then sit down and agree what figure makes sense in light of them all. If you need somebody to mediate, do you have a neutral friend who you both trust? If not, then that needs to go to your lawyers, too.

At the moment there is no grounds for divorce, so we have to wait 2 years separation - but i cannot wait 2 years to sell the house. We both don't want to take this to court, and im trying hard to be civil but it's difficult!

He won't accept an estate agent valuation, and ONLY wants an independent one. He will pay for one, and i will pay for one (with what money?!) so i think i;m going to wait for him to get his done first, and depending on what that comes back with will mean i either agree or get my own done. no point me paying for a second opinion myself if it comes back the same, when we have already had multiple estate agent valuations that i am happy with.

davidmcn

ST1991 wrote: »

He won't accept an estate agent valuation, and ONLY wants an independent one. He will pay for one, and i will pay for one

Why don't you just jointly instruct one?

Grampus8

I think you might want to see it from his side. It's easy to see why he is acting the way he is. If you left him, his pride is hurt so he's lashing out. I'm 100% not asserting blame either way as of course I have no clue what has happened but, it's easy to see why you can deal with it non-emotionally and he can't.


I would say mediation is a good idea.

ST1991

davidmcn wrote: »

Why don't you just jointly instruct one?

He is concerned i will 'whisper' in their ear, and try to convince the valuer to bump the price up so i can get more money out of him
At the same time, given everything going on i'm not convinced he won't try to do the opposite. He also knows a lot of people in various professions and i'm not convinced the 'independent' will really be that.

I think i will wait for him to get his valuation, and i'll try to be there at the same time. If, based on that, it seems that something is amiss, then i can go from there... at the end of the day it's not in his best interest to try and get a lower value because i will just refuse to settle.

letitbe90

An estate agents valuation isn't worth anything to be fair.

Also, no one will care for yours or his whispers in the ears - as if the indepenedant valuator gets it wrong by a certain margin, they are potentially liable to pay damages later on - so they will only state what they have to to cover their backs. You have 0 influence, that is a fact not opinion.

TBagpuss

OK, do get proper advice - many family solicitors ofer a free initial meting so you can ask questions about costs, and get s feel for whether you are comfortable with that person.

In relation to the specifics:

1. It's not reaspnable for you to pay half the utilities. You are not using them, why would you pay for them? If you have not already done so, if your name is on any of the bills, contact the companies, give them final readings and tell them you have moved out. Let him know you can't pay his utilities any longer.

2. How much are you paying in rent? Is is more or less than the mortgage + insurances? Suggest that you start paying half of the total, (i.e. your rent + mortgage +buildings insurance) not half of the mortgage plus all your outgoings.

3. No, it isn't reasonable to expect you to pay for a valuation. Normally, the way to go would be to get 3 agents and take the mid point of the figures they come up with. If you can't agree, then get a valuation which would normally be done on the basis of joint, written instructions and with each of you paying half.

Over all, what is fair as a financial settlement has nothing whatsoever to do with who left. You could argue that you left as a result of his behaviour, so it's his fault and he should bear all of the costs. But that argument wouldn't fly any more than him arguing you should support him because you are the one who left would.

In looking at what is fair, you are looking at the whole relationship, not how it ended. Behaviour is relevant only in very extreme cases or where it has a significant financial impact (for instance, if one of you had a gambling problem and had run up huge debts, or if one of you had forged the other's name for credit, or something like that)

The things to look at are:
- the length of your marriage (+any cohabitation). The longer the marriage, the less relevant what either of you brought in at the beginning is.
- Your ages (only really relevant if there is a big age gap, as it makes a difference to things like mortgage capacity and ability to build up pensions)
- Your respective incomes and earning capacity (if he erns significantly more than you, then all other things being equal, it's likely to be fair for you o have more than half of the assets, and you will have lower mortgage capacity, less spare funds to build up savings and pensions etc )
- your respective needs and the needs of any children (starting point is that you both have the same needs - you each need somewhere to live, if there are no children you both need the same size house/flat, both have similar needs in terms of savings and pensions. If there are children then the person the children live with may have higher needs as they may need a larger home etc. If either of you has a disability or other specific needs this would also be relevant.
- Contributions made - generally speaking, the presumption is that you have each contributed equally to the welfare of the family, as this includes not only financial contributions but non-financial ones such as cooking, cleaning, other household chores, child care, etc etc. If one person wants to argue that they 'deserve' more of the assets because they have contributed more, they have to prove this, which is not easy to do. Simply having paid more towards the mortgage etc because you earn more doesn't come close to meeting the criteria.


Before you reach an agreement, you need to know what the whole financial picture is - which means seeing his bank statements, wage slips, P60, pension details etc, it's not only about the house. Also, talk to a mortgage advisor to work out what you can borrow, so you know how much you will need from the equity as a deposit to be able to rehouse.

While it is not a substitute for proper professional advice, you may find the Wikivorce forums useful.

however, proper legal advice is worth paying for even if you have to borrow to get it - you are dealing with your most valuable asset and you only get one shot at getting it right. It may well be a false economy not to get advice, particualrly if your ex is trying to bully you into accepting less that you are entitled to.

Could you afford to pay a solicitor if you stop paying the mortgage and bills?

ST1991

Grampus8 wrote: »

I think you might want to see it from his side. It's easy to see why he is acting the way he is. If you left him, his pride is hurt so he's lashing out. I'm 100% not asserting blame either way as of course I have no clue what has happened but, it's easy to see why you can deal with it non-emotionally and he can't.


I would say mediation is a good idea.

Thankyou Grampus.
I am trying to see it from his point of view - but there is a lot going on that i haven't given too many details about for the sake of 'some' anonymity.
I can deal with this as non-emotionally as possible but i'm not sure what else to do when our house should have been on the market 2-3 months ago like we agreed...

I would love to try mediation, but from what i understand i'm not sure you can do it after there has been threatening behaviour?