Small house & stay at home, or big house & keep working?

Timpu

My parents did the big house + good schools + work option and while they had the best of intentions, it's not the way I'd do it.

As the eldest, I became a 'parent' to my siblings when our parents were working. This would happen regularly at weekends and during the school holidays for years. I changed nappies, provided meals and as we got older, picked them up from sports clubs, did homework etc. I even did the housework, laundry and cleaning. I will add there is a bit of an age gap between us but we were all children and at school. We didn't have extended family to help out.

It's skewered my relationship with my parents. 30yrs ago they needed me to be an adult when I was a child. Now I'm an adult they *try* to treat me like a child.

I am sharing my experience to provoke thought on the impact on future relationships.

buildersdaughter

Try to picture yourselves 5 years from now....10...15..etc.
Talk to people who've made different choices, think about their responses, not just from how persuasive they are, or how much it suits them, but what do they say that chimes with you?
From a very personal level, I think being at home with small children is mentally stimulating.

You don't say what job you do, other than it is low paid. I would think hard about keeping up registration or similar if that is needed.
You will probably make friends with parents in a similar situation and find you can help each other out (we set up a food co-operative!)
If you stop work to care for the children, you may come across small jobs that suit you. Most of my friends did things like a couple of evenings shelf-stacking, one night a week at a care home, some secretarial / book-keeping for a small firm - lots of odd jobs that don't impact too much on family time, and bring in 'treat' money.
I have known a lot of women who helped out at playgroups, then the children's schools, then got a teaching assistant job on the basis of their voluntary work, and then trained as an assistant, early years worker or teacher.
If you begin by staying at home, in the smaller house (which actually looks fine to me) you will be in a position to change if you want. If you commit to working to pay the larger mortgage, you won't.

I absolutely agree with the previous poster who said that you must sort out your finances so that you have a little money of your own.

Archergirl

I expect I will get battered for this but...........I can never understand why people have children then pay other people to look after them..........

DevilsAdvocate1

buildersdaughter wrote: »

Try to picture yourselves 5 years from now....10...15..etc.
Talk to people who've made different choices, think about their responses, not just from how persuasive they are, or how much it suits them, but what do they say that chimes with you?
From a very personal level, I think being at home with small children is mentally stimulating.

You don't say what job you do, other than it is low paid. I would think hard about keeping up registration or similar if that is needed.
You will probably make friends with parents in a similar situation and find you can help each other out (we set up a food co-operative!)
If you stop work to care for the children, you may come across small jobs that suit you. Most of my friends did things like a couple of evenings shelf-stacking, one night a week at a care home, some secretarial / book-keeping for a small firm - lots of odd jobs that don't impact too much on family time, and bring in 'treat' money.
I have known a lot of women who helped out at playgroups, then the children's schools, then got a teaching assistant job on the basis of their voluntary work, and then trained as an assistant, early years worker or teacher.
If you begin by staying at home, in the smaller house (which actually looks fine to me) you will be in a position to change if you want. If you commit to working to pay the larger mortgage, you won't.

I absolutely agree with the previous poster who said that you must sort out your finances so that you have a little money of your own.

I learnt such a lot when my children were small. I felt like I could negotiate with the UN by the time they grew up. My husband used to joke that I was a Stay At Home Parent who was never it. There are so many places to take children - toddler groups, gymnastics, singing, dancing.


I also made more friends during this time than at any in my life and still meet with them now even though my eldest is now 20.


I loved being at home with them and actually had a high powered job before. I don't indentify with this idea that you're in the house all day every day with the little ones and this makes you climb the walls. I was out all day every day.


So glad I had that time with my boys and I would definitely chose option 1.

TamsinC

I always thought I would go back to work asap. Circumstances dictated I couldn't. I am SO pleased I got that time with my kids. You can never get that time back. And you can miss so much as they grow so quickly. At times it was hard, being the main parent. But it was also wonderful. Even once I went back to work once the youngest was at school I missed being with them, and my time with them was of a lesser quality as I was tired after work. Hubby was completely on board and we always had a joint account (our only account). I was a teacher so occasionally I did a 1/2 day supply and could buy presents for hm with that. He would always say - it's our money, for our family, for our kids - and chuckle at my need to buy presents for him not from 'his' money as he never saw it that way. His job was earning the money and my job was raising the kids in the day. In the evening we both raised them. He was also the cook. It can work and be brilliant.

elliew8

We're currently debating the same thing so it's nice to hear other people's opinions. I know exactly what you mean about people considering your house too small, ours is a fairly similar size to yours but DH wants 3 children and our en-suite master could be converted into 2 bedrooms so it's a possibility but we're both reluctant to give up the en-suite - talk about 1st world problems!


I'm currently almost 6 months pregnant so we've decided we definitely won't be moving any time soon but we've checked our income and we can financially survive the 3 general options i.e. full-time, part-time or SAHM so we're going to decide when the baby actually gets here. I have friends that have climbed the walls wanting to go back to work to get some independence/ adult interaction and others who have been devastated on their return to work after a year of maternity leave.


I personally don't see anything wrong with either of those reactions to motherhood but I also have no idea how I'm going to feel until the baby comes. I do think the 'best of both worlds' option is a part-time job but I'm also wary that sometimes you can end up doing both things inadequately this way.


Sorry for the lengthy post! Basically I'd go with option one to give you the flexibility to decide when you've had children

Bellisima

I would choose no 1. My parents both worked most of my time growing up and we suffered for it. My brother and I were sometimes left home alone as toddlers (I know but this was the 60’s and my parents were money obsessed!) but even if we had gone to childminders, as my younger sisters both did, it is just not the same as having a parent at home. We were latchkey kids, so coming home after school to a cold, empty house was not much fun. I used to envy my school friends who had mums at home. Please do not feel sorry for me, it is just how things were then. My parents loved to work, squirrelling away money each week. Shame that was more important to them than quality time with their children. If you can afford to stay at home and bring up children, then do it. No child ever said “I wish mum and dad worked more”!

JIL

At work today, four ladies currently on maternity leave came into work for a keeping in touch day. One was desperate to get back, she felt her brain needed to be "fired" up. Considering she had waited ten long years to fall pregnant this surprised me. One who takes everything in her stride, very forthright and matter of fact, has gone all gooey, dreading coming back and now considering her options. Another is coming back full time and asap, because she currently rents a flat from her mother for peanuts, but she and her partner want to buy and she needs an income to get a mortgage. The other wants to come back and do two days a week, just to get out of the house.

I think what I am trying to say, is there isn't one size fits all. You just need to decide what you want to do. What works best for you and your family. You may think you know what that is now, but it may not work out that way. It may not be thehouse size that is the issue in the future, it may be you want to be nearer to a school or would like a bigger garden. Keep your options open, and if it doesn't work out then you can always work something else out?
Wishing you all the best.

RainbowLaura

So glad I posted this. I was just expecting a couple of short yes/no type answers, but it has really been fantastic to hear of everyone's experiences and thoughts.


Thanks to each and every one of you for giving me and my husband so much to consider. Going to bookmark this post, I can see myself referring back to it in one, even two years time