Please! Help / advice Family Mediation

Angua2

tsstss7 wrote: »

Hi Angua

Hiya, tsstss7!


I dont know if this would help at all but could you not ask the CSA to not chase him for payments anymore due to previous DV and potential of future violence against yourself and DS. Not ideal I know but would it not stop one of the reasons why he is pursuing the claim?

I didn't get the CSA involved for 4 years because of the threats against me that he made when talking about child maintenance. Tried a more softly softly approach and even when it got to stage of solicitors asking him for his proposals on what he could afford to pay, he refused to respond and got aggressive with me.

We're in the CSA system now and they have a statutory obligation....

Also, the ex not only wants to reduce his child maintenance liability to zero, he has stated that if he gets more access or 50-50 custody, he's going to petition to receive Child Benefit and for Family Tax Credit, which means it will effectively be removed from the benefits my son and I currently depend upon.... 4 years ago he tried to make me a party to a fraud for Working Families Tax Credit (he wanted me to provide him with the numbers and keep quiet about the separation &/or sign over CB to him even though I was legal custodian and parent with full care at the time so that he could supplement his income when going through a hard time....)


Failing that I can only suggest to not agreeing to anything in mediation unless you do agree with it ..I've been there and I don't believe they really consider what is best for children at all. IMO shared care is a fad designed to placate some fathers and not doing the best by children at all - how can being pushed from one home to another on a weekly basis be good for a child!!!

Really good points, thank you. Shared care is an experiment and there is no proof, as far as I understand it, that shared care - particularly in a disputed separation/divorce - has any benefit to the children of the marriage. However, it's gained an enormous foothold in law and with the advent of CAFCASS and the CSA, it means that courts can abdicate decision-making, which they're all for. The other aspect of the failures of the current system is that it's behind closed doors and that sheriffs and judges are unassailable and unaccountable. If a parent's rights - human or otherwise - have been violated or disregarded, the parent is threatened and pressurised into submission. This cannot be right. As for the effect on our son, it adds to his confusion and conflict of loyalties and love. It's a constant theme when we - on a regular basis - unpack his big bag of worries.


Many fathers and indeed some mothers would rather see their children living a more stable life than put them through this so unfortunatly is the more selfish ones who's children get to suffer. (sorry mini rant there!)

Don't apologise! So agree with your rant.


When I went through this (in the english courts though so may be different and no dv in my case just simple extended access wanted) I noticed that the judge gave him more or less half of what he wanted (he was going for weeknight visits I was opposing - he got week night in school holidays) so the advice above about asking for more than you want does have some merit (although you do have to try also to seem like you are not trying to block access which is also a load of carp really as it should be darned obvious you r not!)

You're right - systems very different up here north of the border. Parentline Plus were stunned when I told them that during family hearings the sheriff makes pronouncements in Latin and speaks in whisper to his clerk. Left me the parent having no clue what was going on. Left the ex in the dark, too. Mind boggles, eh?


I also agree with the point above about keeping notes - should be useful whatever happens.

I've shared my lengthy notes with solicitor, HV, SWD, child reporter, police, Women's Aid, et alia. Only ones who read them through: my solicitor and Women's Aid......


good luck - I can't believe they wont even let you move house - isn't that an abuse of human rights - I'd get a better solicitor mine was great and ON MY SIDE which helped loads as I was very stressed about it all - I even took up smoking again! (given up again though!)

Am speaking to another solicitor next week - wish me luck!

And sssshhhhhh don't mention stress OR smoking - each time we visit family I quit...each time new court action for contact/custody, I start again. I sit here (since 5 this morning) with coffee and ciggies... Do you know the song by Savage Garden, "Two beds and a coffee machine"?

Hugs to you - how're things with the due date? Wishing you the very best!!

Angua2

mumoftwins wrote: »

Having read your thread I don't have much advice to offer I'm afraid. But just wanted to say that WHY do we have to fight so much these days to protect ourselves? It seems that when we are at our lowest point the 'powers that be' still come back to crush us more. We have to prove that whats right IS right yet the people who have done wrong are more protected and believed than us who are the sufferers.

Good luck to you and your 'wee' boy, my thoughts are with you xx

I ask myself the same question, mumoftwins. It's good to know that others do, too - helps combat the feelings of isolation.

And yes, it does contribute to feeling under threat at your most vulnerable, and there are double standards. In my case, sheriff, HV, solicitors all have stated that they do not expect dads to parent to the same standard as mums and that they will give any dad - even ones in prison - access SOLELY ON THE BASIS OF ASKING FOR CONTACT....

Thanks and good luck to you & yours! xx

mummy_Jay

Angua2 wrote: »

With you own case, how are things? I know of someone in England (through grassroots support group for victims of domestic abuse) who successfully overturned contact order in somewhat similar circumstances. CAFCASS were shown to be biased in favour of dad and to have failed to act properly, as the wee one was afraid of dad and refused to have contact. The mum had been threatened with all sorts, but court eventually (ye gods, why do they let destructive contact go on so long????) ordered that unless or until the child (age 8) decided for himself that he wanted it, contact was to cease.

Thanks for asking, I'm stuck in the waiting game, we've only cut down th visits a couple of months ago, the advise I was given is that as I have to him a chance or if the court didn't think I'd given him a chance it will go against me rather than in favour of my sons safety. My court experience I have to say has left me very wary and I make sure I do everything by the book. I do hope that he looses interest and goes away on his own, as I can't see what he gets out of visits.

I did like your idea about the leather bangle with mums contact details on, I have a keyring my son wears when we go out but that sounds more practical, I will have to look into getting something made up.

From what you said about all your phone calls yesterday, it does at least sound like you are moving forward and with a months breathing room, I hope you can get your mind on something else for a while, it would be good for both you and the little one. How about planning a nice trip out at the weekend, get your mind off this stuff?

If you need to talk, I'm about.

Big hug

outrageous_monkey

Good Morning Angua2

Thank you for taking the time to write replies back.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))), sound like you could do with some more;)


Well done on getting a months breathing space at family mediation. And quite rightly so, they should have apologised for putting your in unsafe, uncomfortable situations in the past. If they haven't kept any of the files and I dont know if you have any of what happened written down and as hard as it will be to revisist it, if you can, try and recall as much as you can today, get it written down. What I would do, is then when they contact you in a months time and if you are ready to attend a mediation meeting, I would post the notes to them, just to refresh them of the case, so they have an idea of what type of swear word they are dealing with.

I cant believe what your HV said to you!! Who the heck would make a story like stones in his anus totally out of spite to get at the ex?? The more I read your story, the more I'm getting mad! There are loads I could write but I know I would be jumped on by the politically correct police.

Obviously I have my opinions of your ex, which I should imagine are pretty similar to yours, but this guy just doesnt seem to have his childs best interests at heart. I mean a knife as a birthday present, when his child was 4!! Failing to recognise that his son has a fever and needs to see a doctor, failing to supervise him whilst out playing, getting as drunk as lord whilst he is supervising his child, complaining he cant hande his child, and is a violent bully to boot, fails to make any financial contribution towards his son at your end, but the local sherif, says you have to give him more access.......!!!!!!, its a joke!!

Sorry about that, I'm not usually so opinionated on here, but some things just really rile me.

Stick kettle on, I'm coming round for a coffee with you..........and dont worry, I'll bring me own cigs:D

Angua2

Aw, bless you all for your replies and thoughts. I'm deeply appreciative.

I'm taking a break for a few hours - me time - before my son is home from school Particularly needed, as I've series of meetings about this starting tomorrow (I meet with my GP & son's school & Children1st tomorrow; and next week solicitors and god alone knows who else...).

My lovely BF has taken the day off work to come be with me and either distract or help or whatever I need - isn't he great?! He should be here soon.

What I'm finding is that there is a change in services - Children1st and Family Mediation in particular - since the last huge go-round. Both groups are saying that they now look at patterns and not only proven or evidence-based incidents. This is a HUGE change.

Children1st were both reassuring and alarming. The alarming bit was the suggestion that the older child is "grooming" my son to be compliant, keep secrets and do whatever she says. They stressed it was just a possibility, but even as a possibility it is worrying.

I'd never thought of it this way. Apparently, grooming isn't only a paedophile tendency - it goes on in unhealthy relationships within families and within peer groups. It doesn't have to be sexually motivated, and, so I'm finding out, can be motivated by unhealthy need for power or domination.

Hurrah! My lovely man has arrived. Bye for now. Take care all of you and blessings heaped upon you and yours.

Savvy_Sue

Just a comment on the keeping of files: it is a difficult issue but the Data Protection Act says you can't keep information if you don't need it, and if you do keep information it has to be correct and current.

If Mediation haven't opened your file for five years or more, then there would be a question about whether they 'needed' to keep it. I can see where you are coming from entirely, but also their POV.

I am glad that attitudes seem to be changing in the organisations you've been in touch with today. And who is above the sheriff? Surely there is a complaints mechanism - about the Latin and the whispering if nothing else!

Angua2

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Just a comment on the keeping of files: it is a difficult issue but the Data Protection Act says you can't keep information if you don't need it, and if you do keep information it has to be correct and current.

If Mediation haven't opened your file for five years or more, then there would be a question about whether they 'needed' to keep it. I can see where you are coming from entirely, but also their POV.

I am glad that attitudes seem to be changing in the organisations you've been in touch with today. And who is above the sheriff? Surely there is a complaints mechanism - about the Latin and the whispering if nothing else!

Hiya, thanks.

I can see your point on Data Protection and yet there's also a point to be made, i think (could be wrong) about expiration times and legal matters... In general, we know how long we have to keep tax records, for e.g., or how long points take to expire from a driving license.... I realise it would cost time & money, but it would be nice if agencies et alia informed people up front just how long they do hold open files and what happens after the prescribed period. This would allow people to request the file (FoF) before the expiry, should they wish/need to.

In my case, I'm the only one retaining a written record of that time, so in some ways, I'm at an advantage....

I'm glad, too, that there seem to be some changes. So many children have been left down (some tragically and fatally), and their parents, in the past. It's a national scandal that it still goes on.

As for complaints about the sheriff - tried that. Complained to the Law Society of Scotland. Only complaints about procedures that contravene the law are permissible - so a sheriff's "style" (using latin, speaking in whispers) doesn't interest to them even though it deprives a parent of full participation in the hearings. I then went to the Scottish Parliament and offered my experience as a parent caught up in the Family Courts... Got the chance to meet an MSP who was very interested and concerned and she put my name forward as a citizen willing to testify to committee. I was not contacted, as the case is sub judice and because my son is a minor.

In all of this there is the HUGE problem that Family Court is behind closed doors, most frequently carried out by ill-trained court staff (families and children have to share waiting rooms and at times the only separate space for the parents are either the loos or the hallways!) and sheriffs who are not aware of studies carried out by pressure/special interest groups (Women's Aid), academic or research foundations (Joseph Roundtree) or statistics collated by the Scottish Office (which are always years behind the times) and the realities of what happens to abuse victims and their children. I produced a 150-page survey of the most up-to-date research / case review on domestic abuse 3 years ago and asked my solicitor to submit it to court with a petition to bring the access/custody/divorce case to a speedy resolution for the benefit of all involved. Because I was the researcher, my solicitor informed me that the Court would not accept the documentation...!!

AND this doesn't even begin to address the closed shop of the legal profession and the unaccountability of sheriffs in general....