Please! Help / advice Family Mediation

mummy_Jay

My heart goes out to you, I fought through court to protect my 3 yr old from a violent ex and got no where, no convictions ment the court ignored it, even when I had a securoty guard as a witness who pulled him off me when I was pregnant. My ex's agreesive nature and a violent threat early this year has left my son terrified of him and having physical consequenses, which have at least allowed me to cut down on visits to reduce the permanent effect of them.

But lets see if some of what I have done can help you, first thing is a diary of whats going on, and the effects on your child. The slightest sign of physical abuse (ie the stones up his bum - I feel quite sick at the though of htis happening to any child especially one so young) take him to the doctor and contact the HV and everytime report it to the SS and if appropriate get the police involved, you say your sheriff is useless, so can you go above him? (how about a letter to your MP about the sheriff allowing such behavour to children?) You need to get an offical record of it. If you see signs of mental abuse, its not so easy but at least speak with the HV, if he's doing school/playschool speak to them about it. You need more than your eyeas watching for signs of problems, as the more sources they come from the better, as acourt could take it as sour grapes of it just comes from you.

Make a point that he is purposely avoiding paying child support and that until he can pay what is expected of him at present, increasing access would be a farce as he will not pay either way. Talk to the CSA, see if they can help, they are suppost to be able to effect access for non payers. (But I've had no dealings myself with them)

For mediation, work out what you want upfront, then ask for more, so you back down to what you really want. As he has behaved in such away at mediation, insist on supervised visits (quote acts of agression and violence with time dates and if possible convictions) preferably at a governmet run facility, quote that he leaves your child on his own (time dates, durations) and the physical abuse/bullying he has recieved in your ex's neighbourhood. Get yourself a nice smart offical looking folder and walking in with everything written down upfront, try to explain why each request would be better for him, i.e. it will help him build a healthier relationship etc. Do not rise to his behavour, make sure you are being reasonable not only in your behavour but in your requests, take someone in with you, you trust, to hold your hand.

Get hold of your local chapter of gingerbread, oneparent and see if you can find soem other single parents near by for support, they will know the local workings better and may be able to give you better advise.

I hope this helps, I'm hoping karma has something good coming for both our children.

Big hug

Angua2

outrageous_monkey wrote: »

So basically, he cant handle his son, he cant relate to him at all and lets him play unsupervised.....but in his world thats better than paying CSA....I could swear but it would get blanked out. I'd get as much written evidence as possible including anything that was written at the last mediation...surely you would be allowed a copy of that, but I dont know Scottish law at all.

What about changing your solicitor....he sounds like he is scared of the sherif and would rather you didnt rock the boat. Maybe find a more sympathetic solictor who has experience in your case.

Good luck hun, keep us updated how you get on.

Hiya, OM - thanx. Can't respond fully right now, waiting on call from Family Mediation folks - i'm going to ask for copy of previous file to refresh my memory - will do FoF if necessary.

I travelled 3 hrs by bus and train to meet with the only solicitor in Scotland that Women's Aid could give a resounding endorsement to - she was great but couldn't take on the case....

I think there's a Human Rights violation in all this, but can't find a HR solicitor to discuss this with - honest. Found HR charity in Glasgow - email and phoned leaving messages to please call, but they never did - they might have folded. Have also put messages on scottish law society website asking for name of HR solicitor to no avail....

tsstss7

Hi Angua

I dont know if this would help at all but could you not ask the CSA to not chase him for payments anymore due to previous DV and potential of future violence against yourself and DS. Not ideal I know but would it not stop one of the reasons why he is pursuing the claim?

Failing that I can only suggest to not agreeing to anything in mediation unless you do agree with it ..I've been there and I don't believe they really consider what is best for children at all. IMO shared care is a fad designed to placate some fathers and not doing the best by children at all - how can being pushed from one home to another on a weekly basis be good for a child!!!

Many fathers and indeed some mothers would rather see their children living a more stable life than put them through this so unfortunatly is the more selfish ones who's children get to suffer. (sorry mini rant there!)

When I went through this (in the english courts though so may be different and no dv in my case just simple extended access wanted) I noticed that the judge gave him more or less half of what he wanted (he was going for weeknight visits I was opposing - he got week night in school holidays) so the advice above about asking for more than you want does have some merit (although you do have to try also to seem like you are not trying to block access which is also a load of carp really as it should be darned obvious you r not!)

I also agree with the point above about keeping notes - should be useful whatever happens.

good luck - I can't believe they wont even let you move house - isn't that an abuse of human rights - I'd get a better solicitor mine was great and ON MY SIDE which helped loads as I was very stressed about it all - I even took up smoking again! (given up again though!)

outrageous_monkey

Hi again

Just had another thought.....how about contacting children1st? Isnt that the Scottish equivelant of the NSPCC....I've used the NSPCC in the past, short version, house was burgled DS1 was very disturbed by it, victim support put me in touch with the NSPCC, who were fantastic.

They are there to protect your childs' welfare and safetly, plus supporting parents.

I agree with keeping a diary, everything that the ex says or does, or anything your child says should be noted in case you need it at mediation. I also am shocked that you cant move...you would think thats against your basic human rights/needs.

Thats such a shame the solictor couldnt take your case on! Have you kept in contact since? It might be worth giving her another ring and stating how the situation has changed and how worried you are.

daisy_doughnut_2

Angua2 wrote: »

I would LOVE to be able to do so - fought for 5 years to gain permission to move closer to family. Not allowed - in fact under interdict not to.

im confused at this do your family not live in scotland?
do they live in england?

Angua2

daisy_doughnut_2 wrote: »

im confused at this do your family not live in scotland?
do they live in england?

They don't. We're a bit of a UK & empire mix: son born in Scotland, me in Canada, ex is Sassenach....

Angua2

Angua2 wrote: »

Hiya, OM - thanx. Can't respond fully right now, waiting on call from Family Mediation folks - i'm going to ask for copy of previous file to refresh my memory - will do FoF if necessary.

Well! Here's a turn up for the books. New management at Family Mediation team. Explained why I was anxious and not looking forward to meeting them or to going through the mediation process again. Said I'd be very happy to bring in my account (notes and then formal letter of complaint from 5 yr ago) of what happened the first time with them. Also asked if they would retrieve the file from archieve - to "refresh my memory"....

Evidently, files aren't kept beyond a couple of years. I said that was disappointing to hear. She said she did not doubt my version and it wasn't necessary. She also said that as situations change and part of their remit is to protect the privacy and confidentiality of mediation they do not keep older files. I countered that having the case notes would not only refresh my memory, it could offer insights into what happened that I might not have been able to gather at the time as the situation was so emotionally fraught. I also said that the law might change and allow admissions of criminal activities that are made by alleged abusers and that they've possibly destroyed evidence.... AND that it felt like a further victimisation to be forced into a forum that offered the opportunity to the abuser to gloat over past deeds. (They didn't like that and she was upset to hear that the mediation process itself had been abused/misused.)

The woman I spoke with (for an hour!) actually made me feel like I was being listened to and taken seriously! She apologised more than once for my previous experience. She said that in the last 5 years they have acted on complaints and recommendations from the service users/participants and that what went on during mediation in my case 5 years ago should never have happened.

We also went on to discuss, in light of the history and in light of concerns about the ex's personality/behaviour, whether or not mediation was even possible. She said that it might not be a viable or workable option and given what I had to say about the ex violating and disregarding verbal and written agreements in the past, a mediated might hold no sway with the ex and he'd just do what he wanted regardless.

The upshot: I have acknowledge receipt of the "invitation" letter. She is to speak to her head of the team about the case next week. In 2-3 weeks they'll be looking for me to get in touch again - after allowing me the opportunity to think, reflect and get advice from people I trust - to say whether or not I would like to take part. If I forget or don't manage to contact them, they'll send a reminder letter.

So, the bonuses: I get close to 1 month breathing space. They get to think about how best to manage a difficult case. They also get to respond to the ex if he should chase this up with perfectly legitimate answer that I have been in touch and will advise Family Mediation of my decision to participate or not in due course.

A step towards feeling less harrassed and pressured. Hurrah!

Angua2

outrageous_monkey wrote: »

Hi again

Just had another thought.....how about contacting children1st? Isnt that the Scottish equivelant of the NSPCC....I've used the NSPCC in the past, short version, house was burgled DS1 was very disturbed by it, victim support put me in touch with the NSPCC, who were fantastic.

They are there to protect your childs' welfare and safetly, plus supporting parents.

I agree with keeping a diary, everything that the ex says or does, or anything your child says should be noted in case you need it at mediation. I also am shocked that you cant move...you would think thats against your basic human rights/needs.

Thats such a shame the solictor couldnt take your case on! Have you kept in contact since? It might be worth giving her another ring and stating how the situation has changed and how worried you are.

Thanks again, OM. I'm really sorry to read about your house being burgled and the distress to you and your daughter. (((((((Outrageous_Monkey and DS1)))))


I did speak to ParentLine Plus Scotland for ages yesterday. That call was very helpful in that it allowed me to put my concerns into perspective.

I was asked a very interesting question: what's my worst fear? Yikes, did not want to go there but did. It's that through ignorance or willfulness the ex will put son in danger which could result in permanent damage, disfigurement or serious emotional/psychological trauma.

The positive things that came out of the conversation with ParentLine were that they felt it was a great idea to use the sorts of messages that my son's school use to talk about bullying, anti-social behaviour and personal safety to help my son to understand better what he can to keep himself from harm anywhere - when I'm not there (or his dad, for that matter, who might not be there because he's incapacitated 'cos of drink). They liked my idea of a leather wrist thing with a message of love and support from me etched in it, along with my phone number so he can ask anyone at anytime to call me if he's worried.


I would love to be able to meet with someone from Children 1st and ask them to review my notes and concerns (some 50+ pages now - yes, I've been keeping a log of problems for more than 5 years). I've spoken to them perhaps 1/2 doz times over the years.

Yesterday's phone calls also included: Psychologist's office, GP and my solicitor.

So frustrating: psych has left (went on maternity leave in July and is not going back); GP retired (new doc who took over is on sebbatical!), solicitor is off work with laryngitis.....

I've also contacted a solicitor who does not regularly appear before the local sheriff with a view to discussing the handling of the case. I'm hoping for a fresh pair of eyes at the very least. This other solicitor has been red hot for a friend in her divorce.

In the past, I've been a right stroppy moo.... After the shambolic handling of the sticks and stones incident, I gave notice to all agencies who didn't (in my mind, as well as my family's), do enough to ensure my child's welfare, that should anything happen to him during contact with his dad, they are going to be named publicly by me as morally if not legally culpable.

Angua2

mummy_Jay wrote: »

My heart goes out to you, I fought through court to protect my 3 yr old from a violent ex and got no where, no convictions ment the court ignored it, even when I had a securoty guard as a witness who pulled him off me when I was pregnant. My ex's agreesive nature and a violent threat early this year has left my son terrified of him and having physical consequenses, which have at least allowed me to cut down on visits to reduce the permanent effect of them.

But lets see if some of what I have done can help you, first thing is a diary of whats going on, and the effects on your child. The slightest sign of physical abuse (ie the stones up his bum - I feel quite sick at the though of htis happening to any child especially one so young) take him to the doctor and contact the HV and everytime report it to the SS and if appropriate get the police involved, you say your sheriff is useless, so can you go above him? (how about a letter to your MP about the sheriff allowing such behavour to children?) You need to get an offical record of it. If you see signs of mental abuse, its not so easy but at least speak with the HV, if he's doing school/playschool speak to them about it. You need more than your eyeas watching for signs of problems, as the more sources they come from the better, as acourt could take it as sour grapes of it just comes from you.

Make a point that he is purposely avoiding paying child support and that until he can pay what is expected of him at present, increasing access would be a farce as he will not pay either way. Talk to the CSA, see if they can help, they are suppost to be able to effect access for non payers. (But I've had no dealings myself with them)

For mediation, work out what you want upfront, then ask for more, so you back down to what you really want. As he has behaved in such away at mediation, insist on supervised visits (quote acts of agression and violence with time dates and if possible convictions) preferably at a governmet run facility, quote that he leaves your child on his own (time dates, durations) and the physical abuse/bullying he has recieved in your ex's neighbourhood. Get yourself a nice smart offical looking folder and walking in with everything written down upfront, try to explain why each request would be better for him, i.e. it will help him build a healthier relationship etc. Do not rise to his behavour, make sure you are being reasonable not only in your behavour but in your requests, take someone in with you, you trust, to hold your hand.

Get hold of your local chapter of gingerbread, oneparent and see if you can find soem other single parents near by for support, they will know the local workings better and may be able to give you better advise.

I hope this helps, I'm hoping karma has something good coming for both our children.

Big hug

Big hug to you, mummy_Jay. I read with so much empathy and understanding what happened to you and your child and it makes me so angry. Well done for cutting down the contact.

Thanks for the reminder on the log, as you might see from my replies to others - thanks all for your time, effort and caring! - I've kept a log for approx 5 years, might be longer now.

Very good thought about letters to MP. The view on the sheriff from Women's Aid is that he's a waste of time - neither he nor his staff attend any of their annual workshops on dealing with victims (women & children) of domestic abuse, and they have records of his decisions that have led to assaults.

I'm meeting school on Friday to update them on the situation. Previously, they've made it clear that unless subpoeaned, they will not offer evidence.... dunno if this is still the case, as there is a new head.

You're so right about the ease with which ex's and agencies dismiss concerns as sour grapes by the mothers.... Shocking, but happens systematically.

My son's former HV accused me of raising the alarm on the stones up the anus incident as a way of getting back at ex....! I told her that I was doing the right thing and it would have been me being neglectful, instead it was she who was neglecting her duty by not supporting my son and his allegations. She was taken off the case and a new HV replaced her for my son. She supposedly had a glowing report of dad's place when she visited - but failed to see that he stage-managed the whole thing. A) She gave him notice of the visit; he cancelled first visit so he'd have time to re-decorate and tidy up; C) witness statements from friends who at that time were accompanying me for collection times gave testimony that they believed the environment to be unsafe and unhygenic to the point that should their own children be invited to play they would refuse on those grounds; D) the ex only allowed her to see 1 room and not the photographed trouble spots....

Again, m-J, your advice is so spot on. The way forward seems to be, in general, to concentrate on demonstrating the advantages of mum retaining custody and not attacking dad.

However, when there are concerns that dad is flouting agreed aspects of basic safety, one has to satisfy oneself that the child is safe. Would you repeatedly run red contraflow lights with your child in the car and continue to do so when your child said he was scared by you doing it? Would you feed dead animals off the road that might be carriers of TB to your 4 year old? Would you allow your child to play out of sight in a derelict building with its roof caved it? The sadness and insanity of the system is that all dad has to do is say mum is making this up and nothing gets done.

Fortunately, I now have a boyfriend who is both able and willing to back up my observations. He is keeping a log of the times when he's with me and my son and my son breaks down weeping, repeating that he can't cope with how exhausted he gets when with his father. He is also now my escort for collection and will testify to what he sees and hears at those times. My son is almost always visibly exhausted and there have been 3 instances over the last 3 years when the poor wee scone has been handed back to me actually ill (tonsillitis, which he gets annually) and requiring a doctor, but ex has not noticed the obvious fever.

Similarly, both my boyfriend and my family are very concerned about ex's drinking, as occasionally he calls to speak to son when drunk.

Thanks, again. I hope your karma,too, is increasing in light as the years progress, even if it's a light earned by dark episodes of worry and concern.

With you own case, how are things? I know of someone in England (through grassroots support group for victims of domestic abuse) who successfully overturned contact order in somewhat similar circumstances. CAFCASS were shown to be biased in favour of dad and to have failed to act properly, as the wee one was afraid of dad and refused to have contact. The mum had been threatened with all sorts, but court eventually (ye gods, why do they let destructive contact go on so long????) ordered that unless or until the child (age 8) decided for himself that he wanted it, contact was to cease.

Hugs.

A

mumoftwins

Having read your thread I don't have much advice to offer I'm afraid. But just wanted to say that WHY do we have to fight so much these days to protect ourselves? It seems that when we are at our lowest point the 'powers that be' still come back to crush us more. We have to prove that whats right IS right yet the people who have done wrong are more protected and believed than us who are the sufferers.

Good luck to you and your 'wee' boy, my thoughts are with you xx