Please! Help / advice Family Mediation

Angua2

Hiyas. I'll try to be as brief as possible.

Background: Separated for years - left ex because of dv - years of court appearances over contact - son resides with me 75% of time but has weekly contact with dad ordered by court - each time dad is chased by CSA he a) changes bank account; b) delays up to 1 year before responding, but the big worry is C) makes yet another petition to increase his contact time. This isn't suspicion or cynicism - he's admitted (without witnesses, of course) that he wants more contact time so that he can minimise to the point of negating his child maintenance liability.

So, I'm at the lovely stage of being "invited" to attend family mediation about his latest increased contact petition.

Family mediation was advised years ago - solicitor said court would order it and it would look better if I did it voluntarily, so I did. Unmitigated disaster. Ex arrived (I was already in meeting room) and began shouting "where's my wife, let's get this farce over with". Then he proceeded to dominate the whole proceedings for 40 minutes of rant how "every real man wants to hit his wife and only those who are honest like me actually do it". Of course, being during mediation, this admission of abuse was not allowed in court.

Because we live in an extremely unenlightened area with a "maverick" sheriff who places women and children in harms' way (off-record words of Scottish Law Society), a sheriff who has enabled abusers to harm their ex's and children (official record of local Women's Aid), and this same sheriff has told me that unless or until my son's dad INTENTIONALLY puts son in hospital he'll continue to order contact, even if the child (4 yrs old at the time) had to endure conditions while with his dad that were "not unlike what the young men of WWI faced" (quoting sheriff).

I'm worried.

I would like to see if I can be excused from the distress of the farce again, but I doubt I'll have much luck.

(Sorry all this has stopped being brief. I didn't sleep much last night and am feeling a wee bit stressed.)

Another idea is to ask the mediating body to ensure that the ex reads, understands and gives written undertaking that he will adhere to the mediation rules (didn't happen last time, won't happen again).

After first mediation go-round - from which I was personally escorted out early by the mediator because of ex's behaviour and objectionableness - I complained to the mediation body saying that they are forcing victims of dv into mediation despite all recommendations from Women's Aid and leading psychologists. I got nowhere.

Another twist to the tale, ex is suspected personality disorder. Suspected by GP, local CPN and his sister-in-law who is a trained psychologist. However, as this is not confirmed in recent history by psych report, court disallows their opinions. The impact is that there is no good, reliable, safe communication AND the personality disorder aspects (anti-social PD with narcissitic tendencies, or so i'm informed by sister-in-law) make reasoned, calm, mediated agreements impossible.

I'd love to hear from anyone with ideas, advice, experience or suggestions....

Also: My solicitor will not actively advocated as he doesn't want to "upset the sheriff before whom he has to appear every week". In fact, he's sick to his back teeth of me, the case and the whole situation....

It could be that my only tactic is to play the system and delay as long as possible. Can I ask the mediation people (freedom of information etc) to provide me with record of last "attempt" to mediate?

Thanks.

A.

Apologies for not managing to be brief.

daisy_doughnut_2

not sure i can help but i think the situation you are in an the laws you have to abide to are discusting

do you have any police records of the dv?

are social services involved?..i only ask as i was in a similiar situation many years ago an they were great they were all for the protection of my dd

maybe if you had a letter off the doc telling how much this was affecting you mentaly (depresion ect) get in contact with the womans aid also they may be able to help you an also have some one go with you to the meetings so that they can see that its not you trying to be awkward but he is a loon

just try an pull in every offical that you think may help an eventually one will see what he is an recomend maybe to the judge he needs help

you shouldnt be expected to have to be in his presence when dv has occured

good luck

Angua2

Thank you, Daisy. I've just got off phone to GP, need some support, as I'm feeling rather overwhelmed - loss of appetite, unable to sleep, stress-induced tinnitus & vision distortions - all too familiar - went through all this before.

The situation is bad. When on access overnight with dad, my wee boy was unsupervised for 1-2 hrs and played outside & out of sight with neighbour's child who is 2.5 yr older. 2 days after visit my 4 year old told me the other child had put stones and sticks up his bottom and he was worried they'd never come out. SS called, investigated, assured me this would go further and be properly dealt with. I hear nothing for 10 days and get a letter from SW's manager saying it was just child's play.......

You know, I was a child once myself and i never had sticks and stones put up my anus - NOR do I know of anyone who ever has.... Beggars belief that a senior Social Work person can call it (my son's story was corroborated by SW and by the neighbour's child) children being children....

Argh.

Thank you for taking the time to reply - I am going through (yet again) all the official channels.... don't hold out much hope as the ethos here is contact with a bad dad (neglectful, putting at risk) is better than no contact.

Reason for posting to forum is to seek grass-roots types of ideas - if that makes sense?

TY

daisy_doughnut_2

thats terrible
just dont give up ever
get on to womans aid and all the other organisations that are there to help an if needs be i would go to the paper at some point as the way your being expected to behave an the contact not your son but YOU are expected to have is wrong
good luck

Angua2

Again, Daisy, thanks.

No, can't ever give up, 'cos that's giving up on my wee boy.

Just spent 1 hr on phone with ParentLine Scotland. Am looking forward to return call from Dr. (psychologist) who saw both of us earlier this year (my boy's grief and anger over death of his grandad)....

I've considered going to press with story - got so far as to exchange anonymous emails but when told by solicitor that I could be jailed for contempt of court, I had to weigh the impact on my child.

I wish you luck, too, in all your endeavours, and the very best of luck to everyone trying to do their best by their children.

Angua2

I hate the jargon and coldness of the system.

Just got a call from NHS child & adolescent mental health service - my son's psych is unavailable and as we've not had to be in contact for 4 months they've closed the case, without having the grace to let me know. My recollection is last time the psych saw us, she left the door open to get back in touch should the need arise. So, now the need has arisen, we have to go through referral and wait again. Oh joy.

Argh! Please, someone, tell me how to become more adept at playing the system!!!

outrageous_monkey

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Sorry, I dont think I can offer much help, but as to getting reffered earlier to CAMHS contact your Health Visitor. Thats who I used for my son, he wasnt a very young child either.

Just a thought, but what does your child think of having more contact with his dad??

kittiej

I would relocate if it were me. I moved 300 miles to get away from a psycho

Angua2

outrageous_monkey wrote: »

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Sorry, I dont think I can offer much help, but as to getting reffered earlier to CAMHS contact your Health Visitor. Thats who I used for my son, he wasnt a very young child either.

Just a thought, but what does your child think of having more contact with his dad??

Thanks for the hugs, much appreciated.

Good thought about HV - only prob is they've washed their hands as they're unable to communicate effectively with dad...

My son on the one hand thinks it's a great idea (he gets double pocket money from dad and weekly trip to toyshop) and on the other hand comes home from visit weeping with exhaustion and upset....

If dad were doing his best by his son, I'd find it hard, but would share custody.

What's gone on and going on makes me believe that our son would not benefit from shared custody, because:

1. Dad doesn't support son with school work (claims he can't do homework 'coz of dyslexia, although dad reads art history books for fun; or doesn't bother to get son to school on time - or occasionally at all - on 1 morning / wk he's supposed to);

2. Dad has put son at risk of injury by stupid things (putting 3 year old on heap of rubble stones to be out of the way of a bonfire, going away to get more wood and coming back when heard screams because the rubble had shifted and son's finger was crushed) and some willful things (gave son multi-bladed pocket knife as b'day present when son was 4 - pocket knife had 3 inch blade)

3. Dad's gone back on his word about son playing with older child who put stones up son's anus (verbal and written agreement the 2 children - now ages 7 & 9.5 - that they are not to play together unsupervised)

4. Dad leads a somewhat alternative lifestyle now and eats roadkill. I objected to him feeding badger stew etc. to son.

5. When tried to discuss son's anger with grief of my father's death, dad laughed and dismissed concerns.

6. Dad frequently complains that son is hyperactive and he can't control him....

Angua2

kittiej wrote: »

I would relocate if it were me. I moved 300 miles to get away from a psycho

I would LOVE to be able to do so - fought for 5 years to gain permission to move closer to family. Not allowed - in fact under interdict not to.

outrageous_monkey

Angua2 wrote: »

Thanks for the hugs, much appreciated.

Good thought about HV - only prob is they've washed their hands as they're unable to communicate effectively with dad...Just phone them and say you need an urgent referral to CAHMS regarding this situation.

My son on the one hand thinks it's a great idea (he gets double pocket money from dad and weekly trip to toyshop) and on the other hand comes home from visit weeping with exhaustion and upset....

If dad were doing his best by his son, I'd find it hard, but would share custody.

What's gone on and going on makes me believe that our son would not benefit from shared custody, because:

1. Dad doesn't support son with school work (claims he can't do homework 'coz of dyslexia, although dad reads art history books for fun; or doesn't bother to get son to school on time - or occasionally at all - on 1 morning / wk he's supposed to); Can you ask school to write this down, if they will do this then that should be in your favour

2. Dad has put son at risk of injury by stupid things (putting 3 year old on heap of rubble stones to be out of the way of a bonfire, going away to get more wood and coming back when heard screams because the rubble had shifted and son's finger was crushed) and some willful things (gave son multi-bladed pocket knife as b'day present when son was 4 - pocket knife had 3 inch blade) Hells Bells!!! Totally innapropriate gift for a child of that age.

3. Dad's gone back on his word about son playing with older child who put stones up son's anus (verbal and written agreement the 2 children - now ages 7 & 9.5 - that they are not to play together unsupervised)so who is actually supervising your child when he is playing? I know you cant watch yor children all the time, but flippen 'eck, you'd expect him to either watch these other kiddies like a hawk or not let them play with his child at all. I agree with you, its not a typical child statement to say 'so and so has put stones up my bum and I am scared they wont come out'

4. Dad leads a somewhat alternative lifestyle now and eats roadkill. I objected to him feeding badger stew etc. to son. On a personal level, I agree with you on this.

5. When tried to discuss son's anger with grief of my father's death, dad laughed and dismissed concerns. Doesnt sound like he has the childs best interests at heart.

6. Dad frequently complains that son is hyperactive and he can't control him....

So basically, he cant handle his son, he cant relate to him at all and lets him play unsupervised.....but in his world thats better than paying CSA....I could swear but it would get blanked out. I'd get as much written evidence as possible including anything that was written at the last mediation...surely you would be allowed a copy of that, but I dont know Scottish law at all.

What about changing your solicitor....he sounds like he is scared of the sherif and would rather you didnt rock the boat. Maybe find a more sympathetic solictor who has experience in your case.

Good luck hun, keep us updated how you get on.