How long before I say goodbye?

KnightRider

Hello all,


Long story but here's the (very) short version: I've been dating someone for a while and while she was over my house on Friday night, she suddenly told me she wanted to end it and leave. It was a huge shock to me as there had been no hint that she was unhappy. She'd even been telling me how excited she was to see me just minutes prior to her announcing that. She hung around for 2 hours while we talked and she seemed reluctant to go. I couldn't really get the whole story from her other than she told me she was insecure and had social anxiety. I told her I understood but, after talking for ages, she left.


I saw her briefly on Sunday when she came over my house to pick up something she left on the Friday and we had a friendly, if slightly awkward, chat. We've since been keeping in touch by text and yesterday I got more of an explanation from her.


She repeated how she was insecure and she was worried that I wasn't that keen on her. From reading what she said, it looks like she interpreted all sorts of things as a possible hint of disinterest. An example is that I'd said that I felt lucky to have met her - which she apparently interpreted as me trying to convince myself I like her...? I wasn't sure what to make of it really.


She sent me several long texts yesterday and I replied explaining that I would be wasting both of our times if I was just pretending to like her. I gave her lots of examples that should show that I was sincere. She replied back and said that she wished I'd pointed all of that out before she ended it and she understood... but it was 'too late'.


So I replied again and explained that I understood all the reasons she gave for feeling insecure and that I thought it was a shame that she'd apparently set her leaving as a cut off point when it was sprung on me as a surprise, as well as the fact that she was now saying she wouldn't have done it had I explained lots of details. I told her that I'd love to still have her around and try again and asked her to please rethink things.


I haven't heard back from her since yesterday. I'm assuming she's thinking things over. She doesn't strike me as someone that would just disappear. She even sent me a message yesterday (prior to the one mentioned above) saying that she was busy at work but not to take her silence as meaning anything (as in not talking) and then she sent me her long texts later in the afternoon. I hadn't been chasing or anything (I'm busy too!).


I obviously want her to think over things in good time but part of me thinks she's not going to change her mind. I just wanted to try as I still like her and think it's a pity that she has let insecurities get in the way. That said, if it is 'no' then I want to move on. At the moment I'm kind of in a limbo. I don't want to push for an answer but I don't want to wait days and days... so what would be a reasonable amount of time to wait? I was thinking of waiting another day. Is that reasonable?


It will be a shame if she ends it this way but I want to get some sort of closure, so I was thinking that tomorrow, if I haven't heard, I'll just message again and ask whether she is still thinking. Then if it's a 'no' I shall just wish her well and a happy life before saying goodbye.


It's all a bit strange and not something I've experienced before but if she wants to end it, then she wants to end it, and I want to move on.


Hope it all makes sense (well, as much as it can!).

Tabbytabitha

What's wrong with waiting for a while to give her time to think things over and, perhaps, miss you - what's the hurry?

shiny76

Sounds like the sort of situation where you could 'fight' for her (and the relationship), succeeding only for it all to unravel again when she next has a crisis of confidence.

Only you can decide how much emotion/energy you are willing to commit/risk. I don't see any need to set a deadline for her to get in contact. Just take some time for yourself. See family or friends, do stuff that you enjoy independently of this lady. (Keeping busy so not to focus on the break-up is key!)

Having been in a similar situation, where I fought (several times) for a relationship only for it to end, I vowed to just accept and move on had I ever the misfortune to be experiencing the same again.

KnightRider wrote: »

Hello all,


Long story but here's the (very) short version: I've been dating someone for a while and while she was over my house on Friday night, she suddenly told me she wanted to end it and leave. It was a huge shock to me as there had been no hint that she was unhappy. She'd even been telling me how excited she was to see me just minutes prior to her announcing that. She hung around for 2 hours while we talked and she seemed reluctant to go. I couldn't really get the whole story from her other than she told me she was insecure and had social anxiety. I told her I understood but, after talking for ages, she left.


I saw her briefly on Sunday when she came over my house to pick up something she left on the Friday and we had a friendly, if slightly awkward, chat. We've since been keeping in touch by text and yesterday I got more of an explanation from her.


She repeated how she was insecure and she was worried that I wasn't that keen on her. From reading what she said, it looks like she interpreted all sorts of things as a possible hint of disinterest. An example is that I'd said that I felt lucky to have met her - which she apparently interpreted as me trying to convince myself I like her...? I wasn't sure what to make of it really.


She sent me several long texts yesterday and I replied explaining that I would be wasting both of our times if I was just pretending to like her. I gave her lots of examples that should show that I was sincere. She replied back and said that she wished I'd pointed all of that out before she ended it and she understood... but it was 'too late'.


So I replied again and explained that I understood all the reasons she gave for feeling insecure and that I thought it was a shame that she'd apparently set her leaving as a cut off point when it was sprung on me as a surprise, as well as the fact that she was now saying she wouldn't have done it had I explained lots of details. I told her that I'd love to still have her around and try again and asked her to please rethink things.


I haven't heard back from her since yesterday. I'm assuming she's thinking things over. She doesn't strike me as someone that would just disappear. She even sent me a message yesterday (prior to the one mentioned above) saying that she was busy at work but not to take her silence as meaning anything (as in not talking) and then she sent me her long texts later in the afternoon. I hadn't been chasing or anything (I'm busy too!).


I obviously want her to think over things in good time but part of me thinks she's not going to change her mind. I just wanted to try as I still like her and think it's a pity that she has let insecurities get in the way. That said, if it is 'no' then I want to move on. At the moment I'm kind of in a limbo. I don't want to push for an answer but I don't want to wait days and days... so what would be a reasonable amount of time to wait? I was thinking of waiting another day. Is that reasonable?


It will be a shame if she ends it this way but I want to get some sort of closure, so I was thinking that tomorrow, if I haven't heard, I'll just message again and ask whether she is still thinking. Then if it's a 'no' I shall just wish her well and a happy life before saying goodbye.


It's all a bit strange and not something I've experienced before but if she wants to end it, then she wants to end it, and I want to move on.


Hope it all makes sense (well, as much as it can!).

mgdavid

Onwards and upwards, maybe you've had a narrow escape?

KnightRider

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

What's wrong with waiting for a while to give her time to think things over and, perhaps, miss you - what's the hurry?

I'm not in a hurry but what's a reasonable waiting time? For all I know she may not be intending to reply. I think it's unlikely but it's not impossible. I'd ask whether she was still thinking it over, so if she replied back and said she was still thinking then I'd, of course, give her more time. I do really like her and feel like she's just been over-analysing things out of fear that I don't like her. It's the 'too late' bit that makes me wonder. I've never been in a situation where I've had to justify whether I really like someone or not so not sure what I should do!

PeacefulWaters

Give her more time. Let her know you want the relationship to continue. Don't impose a deadline on her. Don't contact her until she contacts you. Dignified. Respectful.

No point trying to second guess her.

In a month or so, if you've heard nothing, let her know that unless you hear from her you'll move on.

It happened to me a couple of years ago. No explanation. Out of the blue. I'm with a beauty in every sense now and in a far better place romantically.

What will be will be.

KnightRider

shiny76 wrote: »

Sounds like the sort of situation where you could 'fight' for her (and the relationship), succeeding only for it all to unravel again when she next has a crisis of confidence.

Only you can decide how much emotion/energy you are willing to commit/risk. I don't see any need to set a deadline for her to get in contact. Just take some time for yourself. See family or friends, do stuff that you enjoy independently of this lady. (Keeping busy so not to focus on the break-up is key!)

Having been in a similar situation, where I fought (several times) for a relationship only for it to end, I vowed to just accept and move on had I ever the misfortune to be experiencing the same again.

We had been getting on fantastically well which is why it was such a shock to me. I don't feel like I'm 'fighting' for her, I've just told her my feelings on the whole thing, that I think it's a pity and that - given what she's told me - I'd like to carry things on. If she says she doesn't want to, then I'll just wish her well and be on my way. Not a lot I can do if she's decided that it's over for her.


Now, if it became a regular occurrence with suddenly announcing it's over and then having all this again - I'd probably just agree it's best it ends and be done with it. I've no reason right now to suspect she'd keep doing it though.

Gavin83

This relationship will not end well, even if she says she wants to get back with you. I'd suggest messaging her, telling her you respect her decision and that you accept it's over. Then cut off all contact.

Unless you're into extremely high maintenance needy women of course.

davidwood681

If you stay in contact and ''chase'' her she won't want you back anyway.

Walk away and put the ball in her court. Just say something like ''let me know if you change your mind'' and at that point DON'T contact her again......it has to be her idea to give things another go.

Leave it up to her and get on with your own life. Meet and have fun with other people who know what they want.

hazyjo

It all sounds rather immature (sorry!). I understand you're both busy, but a long text message is NOT a conversation. Make a pact that you'll stay off the texts, email, social media, whatever - and only speak to each other by phone. I'm sure there must be time for you both to speak at night.


When you say 'a while', how long have you been seeing her?

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

If she is insecure about herself I would have thought that not contacting her would be worse from her point of view. She will probably see it as proof that you aren't interested and she was right to end the relationship. You know whether you want to be with her or not and you should do what you think best. I'm just saying how I think she will see the situation.