Old lady - dementia or just awkward?

PasturesNew

Dementia can present itself in a variety of ways, some of which are what you've listed. They get ideas in their head and stick with them .... people they like/dislike, accusations, etc. For some others, though, this can just be manipulation to try to get more notice taken of them as they feel alone/old and sad about that.

My mum had similar behaviours as part of her dementia.... yet could turn on the apparently "sensible head" where you'd only spot that things weren't right if you knew the truth. e.g. she was annoyed at not having a "sorry on your bereavement" card from my granny .... anybody hearing that would think that granny had been very mean .... but somebody in the know would know that granny had been dead 40 years, so that was a dementia moment.

downshifter

Thanks everyone for the responses. I think it's a bit of both - some dementia and some just being unpleasant. If anyone has any thoughts about how the family can manage the situation that would be great. They've now taken away her bank card (she's unaware of this) as there's a risk she will microwave it and set fire to the house, as she has done in the past. Unfortunately she thinks she has no money so stashes cash all over the place. Doesn't get that her pension is paid into her account automatically, if it isn't handed over the counter at the post office into her hand she tells everyone the man at the post office has stolen it.

Not sure about neighbours, she often rings them to say she's run out of coal, or she has no food and that her horrible family won't give her any. The neighbours then ring the 'horrible family' who rush round with food only to find she has plenty. They seem to think she's a sweet little old lady though and that she is being neglected by the family.

I wish I could help, it's really distressing my friend and none of the wider family seem to even want to talk about it.

Thanks again

Out,_Vile_Jelly

My elderly relative with dementia accused a close friend of stealing a utility bill; that's when we first realised something was wrong. The dementia meant her world was getting muddled, but to pretend everything was ok she found it easier to make up a story rather than face the fact that paperwork was becoming confusing. I've also known a middle aged person with early onset dementia, who had very lucid days when you wouldn't know anything was wrong.

I suggest the friend reduces visits to the bare minimum, goes expecting rude behaviour (and never takes it personally), and asks neighbours to keep an eye out for behaviour eg wandering at night.

bugslet

Accusing people of stealing money and squirreling it away in various locations throughout the house seems very common in people developing alzheimers/dementia. It was an early indication with Mr Bugs. He could also appear very reasonable with other people, but at home he had become very 'odd'.

MallyGirl

My grandmother (early onset in her 50s) would claim that no one called or visited so we got her to keep a book by the phone and the opening sentence of every call was "can you write this call down in your book Nan as we know you like to keep a record". That way we could stop the accusations of neglect pretty quickly. She was always a bit woolly and did things like forgetting that the chip pan was on when she was in her 40s. She progressed to getting lost in the town she had lived in for years, and also to randomly taking her clothes off or fiddling with fastenings till they fell apart. She remained a nice old lady for a long time.
Her sister didn't develop dementia till much later (not sure exactly when as husband hid it for a long time) and her character changed completely. She did fool the docs for a bit as they didn't have the background knowledge to spot the mistakes. Once we made a fact sheet for them it didn't take long to spot that she thought she still lived in her childhood home with her sisters - one who had died aged 5 and the other who had died after the dementia reduced her to a catatonic shell of a person. She went into a home where she became aggressive, abusive, accused people of stealing her things and shouted racist abuse at the care workers. She was unrecognisable as the lovely great Aunt we had spent lots of our childhood with.

aloise

if she was unpleasant when she was young she will still be unplwaswnt when she is old. People dont change, just get worse. I know because i am an unpleasant old !!!!!! myself

suki1964

I'm of the mind that dementia is a term too readily used

When we were kids, older relatives , those few that did make it to old age, were often referred to as dottering in their old age. They would get forgetful, would lose things, hoard others, be rude, sometimes aggressive My husbands ex wife's granny was a great one for lashing out with her walking stick and thought giving you 5p to go out for the night was enough

My own mother who has never been the most plesent or sweet natured of women is now 80 and is getting nastier as she ages. The poor lass next door, who has never said boo to a goose, is according to mother a s l u t and mother thinks she's perfectly within her rights to go walking over there when the lass is out, to poison the weeds that are spreading

Shes also become as tight as a ducks bum despite being pretty wealthy and with 3 pensions coming in with no out goings

But nope, no dementia

System

What ive found is that the unpleasant side that you rarely see when people are young, is multiplied tenfold as they get older.

Savvy_Sue

I have to say that FIL has become more emotional and kinder since the onset of dementia. He was never intentionally unpleasant, but could be very 'difficult' if things weren't the way he expected them to be (and knowing how he expected them to be was a black art because if you had to ask, you'd already blown it, because EVERYONE should know how thing should be!)

I'd definitely tell the neighbours that although she says she has no food and no visitors etc, that's not necessarily the case.

panagia

I think until things come to a head (and hopefully they won't) ie. she comes to the attention of the Police or the authorities somehow, there isn't much more your friend can do. I would advise them to step back from it all.