Old lady - dementia or just awkward?

elsien

They could write to her GP with their concerns. The GP won't be able to discuss anything with them, but it will be on record and can be monitored when she attends for regular appointments.
If she is willing and able (neither of which may be the case) they can ask if she wants to make a power of attorney for the future. Although that does mean the person/people she nominates having to be willing to take on the responsibility which may also not be the case.
If they're really concerned about her safety they could contact social services.
People with dementia can put on a good front when they need to - after all most of us would want the professionals to see us in the best possible light. So it's partly about finding out information and flagging up some alerts now in case they're needed in the future.
But people also need to look out for and protect themselves as part of that. She can only set them against each other if they allow that to happen. And you just don't know at the moment what's going on. So they need to come up with a strategy to avoid the rows and stick to it.
A relative had all the family convinced for two years she was pretending, because she'd done that all her life. She turned out to have Lewy body dementia. But the dementia exacerbated the existing behaviours. It just wasn't possible to separate what was the dementia and what was just her. But in many ways it didn't make any difference. She said and did some pretty awful things. It was about how to manage that because regardless of the cause it wasn't going to change. So your friends family need to understand that diagnosis or not, she's still going to be vile. The label won't change that. So how do they want to respond?

dekaspace

Yes my grandfather was a manipulative person that cried wolf about many things for years even decades until near the end of his life he did develop actual dementia but it took a long time to diagnose due to what he did historically.

arielsmelody

Someone already mentioned the Alzheimer's Society - they have an excellent forum called Talking Point, and your friend should definitely visit. The posters there have seen people in all stages of dementia, and they have lots of experience on how to try to get help for the person they are caring for. The early stages, where people are more or less coping but something doesn't seem right about their behaviour, are very difficult.

dawyldthing

downshifter wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the responses. I think it's a bit of both - some dementia and some just being unpleasant. If anyone has any thoughts about how the family can manage the situation that would be great. They've now taken away her bank card (she's unaware of this) as there's a risk she will microwave it and set fire to the house, as she has done in the past. Unfortunately she thinks she has no money so stashes cash all over the place. Doesn't get that her pension is paid into her account automatically, if it isn't handed over the counter at the post office into her hand she tells everyone the man at the post office has stolen it.

Not sure about neighbours, she often rings them to say she's run out of coal, or she has no food and that her horrible family won't give her any. The neighbours then ring the 'horrible family' who rush round with food only to find she has plenty. They seem to think she's a sweet little old lady though and that she is being neglected by the family.

I wish I could help, it's really distressing my friend and none of the wider family seem to even want to talk about it.

Thanks again

The microwave thing reminds me of the time my nan did a pudding for 33 minutes instead of 3. She went outside with the dog and the firemen took the microwave away (much to my mums disgust as it was hers).

Maybe if there's a few of you have select days so she can get into a routine. Possibly have milk delivered/ look into meals on wheels for food/ someone popping in.

Robisere

Living in Sheltered Housing for 15 years, I have come across neighbours with similar problems: next door was an extremely unpleasant man, almost 20 years older, who just became worse and worse, to the point of attacking neighbours. He was diagnosed withe extreme Dementia and died raving in a Care Home. I know that because I knew someone who worked there.

I had 2 very good mates who eventually developed Alzheimers and just drifted into complete unknowingness: knew less and less family and friends, went into Homes. Now I learn that my much older brother (88) has such an extreme form of dementia, that he is unaware who his wife and 6 children are, or all the many grandchildren he formerly doted upon. He is doubly incontinent and totally unable to look after himself. The children, all 50's to 60's, want their frail mum to put him in a Home. As my brother was a strong, powerful, hard-working miner until retirement, with a lust for life, this breaks my heart.

I first noticed that he was changing 3 years ago, on the first of my last 2 visits. ( I am quite ill myself and have just left hospital after a serious operation) We had a senior brother who would now be almost 90, but died in '88. Both my elder brothers of course grew up together and always seemed fine, until one big fight many years ago. At my last visit, brother became incensed at the memory of this fight, actually wishing big bro was still alive "So I could kill him now."

All this anger, bottled up for years, was totally against his nature. I never went again, due to a combination of my own poor health and a wish not to hear anything more like that. But he was changing and the result is a total trial for his family. I live many miles away from them but my eldest niece keeps me posted and it is, quite simply, breaking my heart as well as of course as his wife and kids. I wish he would just pass in his sleep and let us remember him as he was, because what lives in that skeletal frame now is not my brother.

Sorry about the emotional tone, I can't help it.

AnotherJoe

Fireflyaway wrote: »

The accusing people of stealing seems odd. Not sure why anyone would make that up.

That is classic Az behaviour. They lose something (or can't find it) and so their danaged brain comes up with an explanation that fits. And since they "know" they didn't lose it, there aren't many alternatives.

My great aunt used to throw teaspoons away in the rubbish without realising. Her explanation for lack of teaspoons was that next door neighbour was sneaking in at night and stealing them.