Dilema

elly2

Hi all not sure if this should be here or on another board but i have a dilema, my husband and myself divorced earlier this year and after a while our son (16) moved in with his dad my son has a drug problem (canabis) and usually spends his days getting stoned with his cousins. I last saw him a month ago when he came to tell me what he wanted for xmas ( a mobile phone and a memory card, clothes etc etc) he used to come each week for money and for me to do his washing (which used to really upset me as this was the only time i ever saw him) I know he is ok from asking his grandfather. But i know that last year he sold his xmas present to buy drugs (silver bracelet and necklace) and the fact that he never comes to see me does hurt alot so my dilema is do i buy him what he wants or try to explain to him that he can't treat ppl like this and use them for what he wants.

SSB

Hi
I am so sorry to hear that you son is an addict, that can be such a difficult to issue to live with. I work in a hostel and deal with residents addicted to drugs all the time. It might sound harsh but an addict will sell anything if he is short of money and in need of a fix.

Only buy him what he asks, if you do not mind him selling it forward. Otherwise, give him clothes or something else of little value. Do not feel bad if you decide the latter, you need to think of yourself and how his behaviour is making you feel.

DenBo_4

Hi, sorry to hear about your son, I know how you feel from personal experience. I think you have two options: either give him nothing and tell him this is because you know he will sell the things on :eek: or: buy him the cheapest of whatever he wants and give it to him for Xmas, but know that he will probably sell them to buy more stuff. If he complains about the "cheapness" of the gifts, tell him you're really sorry but you are broke yourself! I know some people on here will say give him nothing but you must be prepared for the abuse if you don't, and I know how hard and demoralising that is.

PasturesNew

If he's going to flog them anyway, why not give him the cash and say it was because you wanted him to buy the right phone as you're only "completely hopeless and would get you the wrong one".

That way at least you've saved yourself the effort of choosing/buying and the heartache of handing over a nicely wrapped gift knowing he'll be running round the corner to rip the paper off and sell it within 10 minutes.

No idea how much phones cost, but if he's moved out, just give him £20. That's enough of a present for anybody.

jamtart6

If you give him cash - won't he just spend it on drugs? there was another thread on here i think it was called "cheap gifts for male" and that was about including members of the family who took drugs and what to give them... hang on ill dig it out

jamtart6

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=581728

there we go... how about a day out somewhere just the 2 of you?

annie123

Hi I read your post to my son. He is 27 and now at college off to uni next year, he is also an ex addict.

He remembers doing exactly the same as your son, selling presents I gave him.
He said he was full of good intentions not too but especially at xmas when its a big social scene the temptation is too great.

His suggestions are:

1. food hamper, full of nice stuff that he wouldnt normally have.. cant be sold and tasty.
2. underwear and socks..useful and cant be sold(no brand names please)
3. an IOU a pressie for when clean of drugs..my son cashed in 4 of these!
4. a happy xmas letter saying that x number of pounds has been put into an account for him when clean of drugs..(open an online savings account in your name and put the money in there for when he is clean of drugs..you get the interest. This one is helpful if you feal guilty about 1 and 2)

It was several years before my son admitted to himself that he had a problem and didnt like it. Its great when you get your kids back from drugs. It happened for me it will happen for you too.
Dont let it take over your life.
He will come back to you in the end.

elly2

Thanks for the replys, the mobile he wanted came in at just under £100 with the memory card and i dont feel comfortable giving/spending this amount of money on him tbh, i think i might buy him some clothes and smellies (less selling value for drugs). There will possibly be some verbal abuse drected towards me , but wat the hell i've been there before. I just feel that if i buy him what he wants in some indirect way i will be helping him to feed his habit, and i am not going to do that again this year.

jane130

jamtart6 wrote: »

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=581728

there we go... how about a day out somewhere just the 2 of you?

I am the one that started that thread so understand your dilemma.

Its so hard when someone you love is going off the rails . you just have to do what lets you sleep at night . My family have refused to give my sister anything of value because they know she will sell it and use the money to buy drugs and they feel that they may as well just go out and by her the drugs if thats what they intended.

It may sound harsh but you have to be cruel to be kind . he has to feel some consiquence to his actions or he will never want to stop.

jane130

sorry I was typing when you posted . i think you are doing the right thing.

MrsTinks

I would second the food hamper - it's practical, you will know he's likely to eat properly for a little while at least and he'll struggle making any money from re-selling it...
Buy clothes if you feel he needs some new clothes, but don't buy anything over £10 per item! No designer that he might be able to resell on fleabay or otherwise to make any money! Chances are he might get most things himself, but will forget things like underwear, socks and boring stuff