**updated post 34** - Am I being too "doom and gloom" - autistic child

HurdyGurdy

My grandson is six years old, lives 200 miles away from us with his mother, and is autistic with quite severe global development delay. He is practically non-verbal, is still in nappies, and is very limited in his food likes and dislikes.

Without going into excruciating detail, we (his grandparents) have only seen him about six times in his life. The last time he was here was when he was a baby. We have been to visit him, but have only seen him for a couple of hours at a time. My son, his dad, used to go to stay there for about a week at a time, two or three times a year (due to his work commitments). I have been desperate for them to come and visit us (when the parents were still in a relationship) so we could get to know him, but unfortunately it never happened.

I don't know quite how it has come about, but between mum and dad, they have decided that the little boy is coming to stay with us next week, for four or five days. My son doesn’t drive, so he will travel on the train, have 20 minutes after arriving to meet the mum, collect the boy and get back on a train back home.

The child has never been away from his mother, and has never been on a train. He barely knows his dad, and doesn’t know us at all. He will have none of his familiar things around him due to not being able to carry much on the train. My son lives with us.

Throw into the mix that we literally have no bathroom at the moment, which we are hoping will be at least started this week, but no guarantee of it being finished by the time he comes (Easter weekend in between), and there is the chance of noisy workmen being here.

I have no experience of autistic children, so am I being a bit drama-llama over this? I am so worried that this whole thing will really upset the child, right from leaving his mum behind at the station. My understanding is that autistic children need consistency, structure and familiarity. I tried talking to my son about it last night, and he’s adamant that there is no room for manoeuvre here. He IS going to bring the child here.

From my perspective, this should be done in a managed way, with him being brought by his mum, who does drive, for a few times, spending a day and night each time, to familiarise himself with us and the house etc before staying for an extended period of time. Even if his mum didn’t want to stay in our house (although she’d be made welcome) now that she and my son are no longer in a relationship, we would have paid for her to stay in a hotel nearby.

JayJay100

I'm with you 100% on this. You simply do not know enough about the boy's condition to be able to provide the support he potentially needs, and it's not a situation where you can all just rough it out. Can you speak to the mum direct? It could be done in the way of 'we want to make the stay the best experience we can for him, do you have any suggestions that will help us to stay within his comfort zone?', rather than 'I don't think this is right' and just take it from there.

lika_86

I think I'd be booking myself a hotel and letting my son get on with it if he's so adamant that it's happening the way he has planned.

Mojisola

HurdyGurdy wrote: »

My grandson is six years old, lives 200 miles away from us with his mother, and is autistic with quite severe global development delay. He is practically non-verbal, is still in nappies, and is very limited in his food likes and dislikes.

I don't know quite how it has come about, but between mum and dad, they have decided that the little boy is coming to stay with us next week, for four or five days.

The child has never been away from his mother, and has never been on a train. He barely knows his dad, and doesn’t know us at all. He will have none of his familiar things around him due to not being able to carry much on the train.

I think this is a shocking thing to do to a child with these problems!

He is going to be so distressed and unable to understand what's happening and can't speak to say how upset he is.

borkid

Have you asked why? It seems a very unusual thing to do unless the mum has to go into hospital or something like that.

HurdyGurdy

For more information - here is a thread I started two years ago, and received some lovely advice on. He hasn't advanced very much in the last two years. He did get an autism diagnosis, and did attend mainstream school, but only part time - due, I think, to not having a full time 1:1 assistant. His mum has since withdrawn him from school and is home educating.

Obviously the parents are no longer in a relationship, but the boy's needs remain the same - if not greater.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5438621

HurdyGurdy

borkid wrote: »

Have you asked why? It seems a very unusual thing to do unless the mum has to go into hospital or something like that.

I don't know. My son just said it was something they'd been talking about for a while, and decided now is the time.

I did ask if she was maybe having a long-overdue, and much-deserved holiday. But she's "just" going to be at home on her own. Which is probably the same thing.

pmlindyloo

Sounds to me (and yes, I did read your previous post) that the mum has reached the end of her tether especially since she is educating her son at home.

I think what you do depends on whether your son is working whilst your grandson visits. If he isn't working then perhaps it may be best to support him as much as possible. At the very least this will give you time to 'bond with your grandchild' and his father will be around to give some stability.

If your son is going to be working then this may be a different scenario and I think you have every 'right' to refuse.

It is such a difficult one.

I am wondering if there is a middle way. Your idea to pay for a hotel for your grandson's mum to stay in near your home may be the answer. Have you offered this? They could then travel down together and hopefully prevent some of the problems that concern you. She would be on hand to reassure your grandson but also get some time to herself.

Can you have a 'chat' with her and ask for some suggestions as to what toys/familiar things you could buy/replicate to make your grandson feel at home?

Alternatively, you could all go and stay in a hotel near your grandson's home and visit daily - perhaps with dad staying in the home?

Dark_Star

Does the mum have any photos of you to show your grandson?
Can you skype with them?
At least if he is told "you are going on holiday to nanny & granddad's" it would be a start. Plus he can see/hear what you look like.
Find out what level of toys he likes & see if there is a toy library near you or do you have friends that could loan some? Or raid your local charity shops.
Picture books/story books from the library as most children love being read to.
Ask the mum what home educating she is doing so that at least you know what he can or can't do.
Is there a play park near you?
Splash pool? I mean the really shallow ones.
Pinterest has a ton of ideas on things to do for an autistic child/person.
Stock up on whatever food he does like (there's a lot of picky kids out there, not just autistic ones) so that's normal.
At the very least he'll need whatever cuddly thing he has in bed as a comforter.
A T shirt or something of mum's that smells like home?
You'll need a car seat if he's only 6 & you want to take him out for the day.
Non verbal doesn't always mean they can't communicate. Can he do Makaton?
Failing that, there is the TV...if you know what he likes that would help too.
Can the mum do you a copy of their daily routine? Some kids love routine, some love not having to stick to it regardless of their abilities.
I hope it all goes well - it could be a great opportunity for all of you...

rach_k

I think that would be a big deal for any 6 year old, autistic or not. I know he'll have his dad there (some of the time? All of the time?) but still, it's a lot of change - people he doesn't know, a place he doesn't know and not ideal house-wise (although nappies might help with that!). My outgoing non-autistic 6 year old would find it a big thing to go and stay at her grandparents' with her dad (who we live with!)... and she sees them fairly regularly.

If your ideas about how to manage things are being ignored, I'd have a look at what else you can do. Can you arrange a time to speak with his mum and get some more information about the things he likes/dislikes? Food for example - does he have white or brown bread? Orange or yellow cheese? Crunchy or smooth peanut butter? Those types of little thing seem bigger when you're little! Ask for his usual daily routine too. Get her to email you anything she thinks of. Part of me thinks perhaps she's wanting it to be terrible so that the boy's dad gets a taste of how she lives, which is sad for the child but I can sort of see her point, so she might not want to tell him everything but a few tips to grandma so you can step in and help when it all goes wrong might be forthcoming.

If you could manage to create a quiet room where just your grandson and son go, as much away from the noise as possible, I'd do that. My kids are always more at ease in quieter rooms at their grandparents', especially for the first little while until they get used to it.

thorsoak

This is just so sad - poor little boy, poor grandparents, poor mum who has probably reached the end of her tether, and poor dad who is so deluded that "everything will be ok".