Awful situation currently

tranmereforever

This will be a long one so I apologise,

My OH is in bits at the moment with the situation regarding her grandparents, a bit of history, they are both alive but both in there 90s, they have 2 children a son and a daughter, the daughter is my OH mum who unfortunately passed on a number of years ago

The son is a recovering alcoholic who until the last 2 months has only seen his mum and dad ( my OH grandparents ) twice a year but has all changed in the last 6 months since the health of the grandparents has deteriated, it is worth saying that relations between the son and us/remaining family has not been good for many years

It is also worth saying that the estate here will be quite considerable and although that is not the concern of myself and my OH I would expect that we are looking at close to £1m-£1.5m when property is included, as said though we have been the main people who have assisted them - traveled 2 hours + every weekend/ do there food shopping every week etc and it is this care we are focused on

We know a will is in existance and have been told by them it will be split 50% to the son, 50% to her mum but down the line to my OH and her siblings due to her death, they gave us the details of where the will was kept many years ago- although I suspect the son does not know this.

Recently my OH grandpa has got considerably worse in health which in turn is having an effect on the health of her grandmother as well, we were assisting with care options for them but this was halted when the son came on board and insisted he himself was to dictate care as next of kin, although frustrated we were not involved in fairness to them they now have carers in daily

Fast forward to last week and we went up to visit and her grandmother was in tears and obsessing because the son and his partner had bought brochures for a house they wanted them to buy 3 hours away from the home they have lived in for over 50 years so him/ his partner + them could all live together, we told her that they could not force them to do anything she did not want to do and both were adamant they did not want to go anywhere

On Wednesday this week her grandpa had a fall and was put in hospital, the hospital called the son who lives 3+ hours away but he did not pass the information on meaning her grandma has been left all alone for the last few days while she had local family who could have helped her- we only found out as we were phoning to see how she was and she was surprised we did not know

Someone was with her within an hour of us knowing and she is suffering mentally ( I think mainly through dehydration/ stress ) and again she is saying over and over that she does not want to be forced from her home/ local family

On Friday night we received a text from the son to say he will be coming to take the grandma while he is still in hospital! away this weekend to live with him over 3 hours away! Luckily her grandpa came out of hospital yesterday and we had someone stay in the house until the son arrived

We are now desperately trying to have a meeting with the son when he is next down at the end of the month ( hoping he does nothing this weekend now ) so we can try and work all together and sort this out, I am hoping this is all crossed wires but the care of the Granparents should be the first priority and its turning into a family feud instead

I am also dreading this all because the chances are they will not last 7 years so even if a house is purchased there are going to be potentially messy implications on the estate but more to the point the two grandparents would not see her grandchildren/ great grandchildren on a weekly basis like they do now ( due to the distance ) and would be isolated, also it would have benefit implications on the son/ partner as neither work ( which is why I have argued why could they not move in with the Grandparents on the short term if the care is the priority )

We recently completed a statement of wishes both on video/ signed when the care started which stated they did not want to leave/ alter the will etc under any circumstances

Nothing to do at this stage really, just wanted a rant! Horrible when money is involved!

Keep_pedalling

A statement of wishes, is not the way to go, they need new wills and if they have the mental capacity lasting powers of attorney put in place with people they trust.

Rather than set up a meeting with the son, they need a meeting with a solisitor PDQ.

pmlindyloo

Has anyone got power of attorney for the grandparents?

tranmereforever

Hi thanks for the replies,

No they don't as they are both as to now classed as sound of mind and have refused it- as is there right

However we are going up on Wednesday for a week so going to try that again with them and get there solicitor in

getmore4less

tranmereforever wrote: »

Hi thanks for the replies,

No they don't as they are both as to now classed as sound of mind and have refused it- as is there right

However we are going up on Wednesday for a week so going to try that again with them and get there solicitor in

That's not how POA works.

While of sound mind they can choose to set up POA, they don't refuse anything they are the ones that set is up.

once they loose capacity it needs to go to courts to appoint deputies.

Sea_Shell

I read that as, they have refused to set up a POA, because they can.

Margot123

There appears to be a safeguarding issue here. The grandparents are being coerced into making decisions that may not be in their best interests.

I'd suggest you call the County Council Safeguarding team where your OH's grandparents live. Have a chat about your concerns; they are the best people to advise, and will suggest routes to be taken which may or may not involve official 'safeguarding'.

Red-Squirrel_2

It sounds like they don't fully understand what a POA is. You set it up when you are of sound mind and appoint somebody that you trust to act in your best interests should the situation arise where you are NOT of sound mind any longer.

This should be explained to them.

Margot123

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

It sounds like they don't fully understand what a POA is. You set it up when you are of sound mind and appoint somebody that you trust to act in your best interests should the situation arise where you are NOT of sound mind any longer.

This should be explained to them.

I've been in the difficult situation of trying to convince elderly people to appoint a POA before one is really needed.

You have to be very subtle in your approach. After all, none of us really want to face up to the inevitability of old age and a dependence on others.

Red-Squirrel_2

Margot123 wrote: »

I've been in the difficult situation of trying to convince elderly people to appoint a POA before one is really needed.

You have to be very subtle in your approach. After all, none of us really want to face up to the inevitability of old age and a dependence on others.

If they are of sound mind and reasonable intelligence its a very straightforward concept, it just needs to be explained clearly. My grandparents and parents all have them sorted.

Mojisola

tranmereforever wrote: »

Fast forward to last week and we went up to visit and her grandmother was in tears and obsessing because the son and his partner had bought brochures for a house they wanted them to buy 3 hours away from the home they have lived in for over 50 years so him/ his partner + them could all live together, we told her that they could not force them to do anything she did not want to do and both were adamant they did not want to go anywhere

Margot123 wrote: »

I've been in the difficult situation of trying to convince elderly people to appoint a POA before one is really needed.

You have to be very subtle in your approach. After all, none of us really want to face up to the inevitability of old age and a dependence on others.

In this case, you could be fairly strong in arguing that, if they want to stay at home and be cared for the way that suits them, they need someone they trust to have the legal right to speak up for them.

Their son could indeed move them elsewhere and intimidate them into signing paperwork.

Rather than risk distressing situations where their son and their grand-daughter are playing tug-of-war with the grandparents, they need to appoint attorneys.

Definitely contact the Safeguarding team.

https://www.elderabuse.org.uk may also be of help.