Could this work - elderly parents

Newly_retired

Might it not be a possibility at this stage to use some of their surplus income to pay for someone to come in to care for your mother, which would also give your dad a break?
I would be reluctant at this stage to give up your job to look after them. Could you reduce your hours, as a compromise?
This is the beginning of what could be a long term situation.

DevilsAdvocate1

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

So if Dad is feeling lonely and a bit isolated, are there services available which would help out with that? In some places there are - for example my parents were picked up by minibus several times a week and taken to various activities, and a lunch club. It relieved the pressure on us to know that they weren't at home on their own all the time, plus they enjoyed the activities. They also had a cleaner and a gardener, which gave a bit of company if they happened to come while Mum and Dad were at home.

In contrast, my MIL has resisted all suggestions to investigate what might be available near them. FIL has serious memory problems and is becoming increasingly unsteady on his feet. MIL doesn't like to leave him for long, so she gets little more than one outing a week on her own. She does all the cleaning, followed around by FIL who goes looking for her if she leaves the room. BIL still lives at home and does the gardening - it's probably the only thing which keeps the situation sustainable.

MIL's view is that she can't get any help in, of any kind, because a) they don't need it and b) FIL will want to know what this strange person is doing in their house.

Her choices, but one day there's going to be a crisis and she won't be able to manage any more, and I just don't know what we'll do then.

This sounds like my parents but in reverse. My dad is a lot younger than mum and though he needs a operation he doesn't need help in the same way as mum. He goes to an Art Club on Monday when I look after mum. Think he goes to one on a Friday morning when mum is still in bed.

I try and meet up at least one lunchtime and my eldest often pops over after uni - at least once a week. Dad also picks my younger two up from school at least once a week - more if I'm working. He then takes them out to tea. So I guess we are all doing a fair bit.

They won't have help come into the house. They have had cleaners in the past and the last two stole from them. My younger sons (17 and 12) go some weekends and clean for pocket money.

Mum has memory problems plus mobility problems. She won't go out and becomes aggressive if you try to get her out. I have tried all sorts to encourage her. On a Monday I wash amd dress her, do her hair and put her make up on. But she will not go out - not even to sit in the back garden.

Dad does all the cooking, cleaning (apart from the stuff my boys do), and gardening. He also does the household maintenance. I don't think he needs any services but he would like to go to other art clubs. And mum won't go out, so a respite centre will not work.

TBH, I can see where they are coming from. I don't think I'd like to have activities foisted on me when I get old.

elsien

My aunt paid for a sitter to come in for my uncle to give her a little bit of time to herself. He could be a bit funny with new people, so they did a couple of "getting to know you" visits then the agency ensured it was always the same person who came in. (He wouldn't go to the day service either - said it was full of mad people.) Would something like this give dad chance to get to another art class without worrying what mum is up to?
I do think it's helpful for people to get used to having new faces around ready for when you start to need them. In aunt's case, that was when she left uncle to go for a haircut and he went looking for her. In his pyjamas, in the rain, tramping through a field. Luckily he was spotted by someone who knew him, but then he couldn't ever be left alone after that.

Savvy_Sue

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

Dad does all the cooking, cleaning (apart from the stuff my boys do), and gardening. He also does the household maintenance. I don't think he needs any services but he would like to go to other art clubs. And mum won't go out, so a respite centre will not work.

TBH, I can see where they are coming from. I don't think I'd like to have activities foisted on me when I get old.

Would Mum accept a 'coming in for company' service, eg as described by elsien?

elsien wrote: »

My aunt paid for a sitter to come in for my uncle to give her a little bit of time to herself. He could be a bit funny with new people, so they did a couple of "getting to know you" visits then the agency ensured it was always the same person who came in. (He wouldn't go to the day service either - said it was full of mad people.) Would something like this give dad chance to get to another art class without worrying what mum is up to?
I do think it's helpful for people to get used to having new faces around ready for when you start to need them. In aunt's case, that was when she left uncle to go for a haircut and he went looking for her. In his pyjamas, in the rain, tramping through a field. Luckily he was spotted by someone who knew him, but then he couldn't ever be left alone after that.

That's why I started making suggestions to Mum so long ago, but they weren't having it. And I fear we'll have to have a crisis of the kind you describe before anything changes, and even then I fear the result will just be MIL never going out without him. Already when she leaves him (or he wakes up early), he starts raiding the cupboards for food. Even if she's left a sandwich for his lunch he doesn't find it or remember to look for it. He's diabetic, so it plays havoc with his sugar levels when it's biscuits he finds.