I've mucked up. Really badly.

ohbumstoitall

I was doing reasonably well, I was keeping afloat and not accruing more debt.

Since December 1st I've put £10,000 on my Amex. I can't tell you what I've been doing, I feel sick. I have these episodes. I've bought thousands of pounds of makeup, I've bought online services for things I don't need. I've just not stopped.

It's not interest free, the rest of my debt is but 10k is a quarter now of what I owe. The monthly payment is £400. I can't get a CCJ or go bankrupt because of my job.

I cannot tell my husband. I categorically cannot tell him. To put it bluntly he will leave me and I'm not telling him. We've been through this many many times before and each time he forgives me. I know the advice will be to tell him but I'm not going to, he's in his last year of university and he will get really stressed, I've made this mess and I'm not going to share it with him.

I just need to tell someone (ie the internet) and work out how to pay back 10k without using any of the household money. If I don't do this I can see in 4 month's we'll start not having enough money to pay our bills.

uphillstruggler

Hi there,

Didn't want to run past without saying good for you for facing up to your spending. There is nothing that you won't be able to face or overcome.

If you really cannot talk to your other half, consider speaking to someone independent - perhaps StepChange - at the very least just to get things off your chest.

[edit: could you sell any of the makeup? Are you good with makeup - could you put it to good use (thinking weddings, special events etc.) Is there anything you can sell to recoup some of the costs?]

Good luck.

Mahsroh

You've come to the right place!


First of all, you need to do an SOA (Statement of Affairs) and post it on here.


http://www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

DCFC79

Fill an SOA and post it up.


Maybe your husband should be in control of the finances and you don't have a credit card, maybe consider some help for the cause why you spend the money.

Is any of the makeup still sealed ?
Could you sell it or gift it ?

Pixie5740

Has your statement of affairs changed much (other than the AMEX debt) since you first posted last August?

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

Statement of Affairs and Personal Balance Sheet

Household Information
Number of adults in household........... 2
Number of children in household......... 1
Number of cars owned.................... 1 I have a lease car til February 2020, paid through work everything is included apart from fuel. The car detailed here is husbands banger which he uses to get to university

Monthly Income Details
Monthly income after tax................ 1235.18 can't get more, part of it goes to the car lease and also im currently being put through courses so one day I will be able to get more but not for at least 3 years
Partners monthly income after tax....... 1266 combination of part time job and student finance. finishes university in June 2018
Benefits................................ 82.2
Other income............................ 0
Total monthly income.................... 2583.38

Monthly Expense Details
Mortgage................................ 0
Secured/HP loan repayments.............. 0
Rent.................................... 600
Management charge (leasehold property).. 0
Council tax............................. 120
Electricity............................. 27
Gas..................................... 27
Oil..................................... 0
Water rates............................. 36
Telephone (land line)................... 0
Mobile phone............................ 18 for two mobiles
TV Licence.............................. 12.12
Satellite/Cable TV...................... 13this is netflix and spotify which we share
Internet Services....................... 27 internet and landline
Groceries etc. ......................... 200 We did actually spend £300 last month but its not acceptable
Clothing................................ 20
Petrol/diesel........................... 150covers me driving to work and OH driving to the city - train for him would cost more and we'd need to pay for more childcare
Road tax................................ 13
Car Insurance........................... 25 pay annually
Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 30I save this, when I get to a certain amount I put half towards debt
Car parking............................. 0
Other travel............................ 0
Childcare/nursery....................... 200 wrap around childcare at school adn during the summer holidays. It's an average so I save it up in childcare vouchers throughout the year
Other child related expenses............ 10 put aside to pay for school trips
Medical (prescriptions, dentist etc).... 30 Prescriptions and dentakl
Pet insurance/vet bills................. 100 Two dogs, as they are young I pay £28 a month for a vet care plan, Insurance is £27, not sure on food as its home cooked and raw and I am also saving to have both of them spayed
Buildings insurance..................... 0
Contents insurance...................... 12.5 paid yearly
Life assurance ......................... 0
Other insurance......................... 0
Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 10 I buy all of next years presents in the January sales
Haircuts................................ 20 I rarely get my hair cut, this pays for OH and son. They won't entertain me doing it myself. I did OH once and he didn't speak to me for an entire day
Entertainment........................... 50 Covers National Trust membership which covers parking at a place we like to take the dogs every week as well as the odd trip to the cinema
Holiday................................. 0
Emergency fund.......................... 66
My expenses............................. 35 Covers bits and bobs, team lunch once a month or makeup or a book
OH University Expenses.................. 50 Husband gets this because I accrued all the debt WHILST taking all of his pay when he was working full time to pay the bills. This is an amount that we agreed he would be okay with till we're out of debt. Any less and he will be depressed and very bitter
Total monthly expenses.................. 1901.62


Assets
Cash.................................... 500
House value (Gross)..................... 0
Shares and bonds........................ 0
Car(s).................................. 250
Other assets............................ 0
Total Assets............................ 750

No Secured nor Hire Purchase Debts

Unsecured Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
HSBC...........................6004.55...150.......0
Family Loan....................6740......130.......0
OH DMP with Payplan............10303.1...105.......0
Barclaycard 2 .................1378.57...35........0
Tesco Credit Card..............190.93....25........0
TSB............................1412.62...25........0
American Express...............4083......50........21
Halifax Card...................2617.94...28........0
BarclayCard 1..................2335.51...54........0
Total unsecured debts..........35066.22..602.......-


Monthly Budget Summary
Total monthly income.................... 2,583.38
Expenses (including HP & secured debts). 1,901.62
Available for debt repayments........... 681.76
Monthly UNsecured debt repayments....... 602
Amount left after debt repayments....... 79.76

Personal Balance Sheet Summary
Total assets (things you own)........... 750
Total HP & Secured debt................. -0
Total Unsecured debt.................... -35,066.22
Net Assets.............................. -34,316.22

EssexHebridean

Have you got the Credit Card with you at the moment? If so, take it carefully from your purse, and CUT IT UP - right now. No hesitating, no prevaricating, just do it. Second thing - remove the card details from ANY apps that enable you to spend without having the physical card with you. Delete any apps like Amazon or eBay from your phone if those are triggers for you.

If there is stuff that you have bought that can be sold then I absolutely agree with the suggestion above that eBay might enable you to make an impact on your debt sooner rather than later - but if there is a likelihood that this will encourage you to browse and spend more then that may not work for you - only you know whether this is the case. Bear in mind that even unsealed makeup can sell for decent prices as long as the photos show it's not used or barely used.

Definitely agree that you need to establish what the cause of your spending is - there's clearly a root cause to the problem. Getting to the bottom of that just could cure the problem.

Don't panic, start dealing with things logically. At the end of the day it IS only money and everything can be fixed one way or another. In the long term you will have to tell your husband about it but you'll work up to feeling strong enough to do that. Get that up to date SOA posted and let's see the true state of things.

ohbumstoitall

Mahsroh wrote: »

Is any of the makeup still sealed ?
Could you sell it or gift it ?

I am going to go through it as there is some I could sell, for example a palette that I used once. It's pretty easy to sterilise and could expect to make £20 on ebay. A lot of the other stuff is skincare (because apparently I had to have a £40 moisturizer which ironically my son then went and wiped all over my mirror).
I can't even look at my vanity table without wanting to vomit.

Mahsroh wrote: »

Maybe your husband should be in control of the finances and you don't have a credit card, maybe consider some help for the cause why you spend the money.

Is any of the makeup still sealed ?
Could you sell it or gift it ?

As it happens, I had lost the credit card a while back and so was using it through paypal as to get a new one I had to phone Amex and that makes me anxious. Now I've removed it from amazon and paypal, I can't spend anything on it at all. Husband's not particularly good with money in the sense that he doesn't "understand" how to budget. Whereas I do, I've just ignored it. Well yes and no. Our accounts are running fine EXCEPT for the Amex. It's a classic head in the sand move. Husband is in charge of groceries because that appears to be his limit but actually it's a good thing because I can spend £800 on groceries (for three people) because we need this we need that (we don't) and wouldn't it be good to spend £300 on meet for that chest freezer I decided we needed. You get the drift.

Pixie5740 wrote: »

Has your statement of affairs changed much (other than the AMEX debt) since you first posted last August?

No not really, it's pretty much the same although I know it is going to change at some point. I should have a 5k per annum payrise in a couple of months but at the same time OH finishes uni and so his income drops by 7k a year and would need to earn at least 18k a year I think. But we have dogs and I don't want them to be at home alone. Oh man I've mucked our life up.

What is wrong with me? I'm 29 and should be saving for a house but instead I'm stuck miserable in a rented house making things worse. I've got a child for gods sake, yet I'm acting less mature than him.

ohbumstoitall

EssexHebridean wrote: »

Have you got the Credit Card with you at the moment? If so, take it carefully from your purse, and CUT IT UP - right now. No hesitating, no prevaricating, just do it. Second thing - remove the card details from ANY apps that enable you to spend without having the physical card with you. Delete any apps like Amazon or eBay from your phone if those are triggers for you.

If there is stuff that you have bought that can be sold then I absolutely agree with the suggestion above that eBay might enable you to make an impact on your debt sooner rather than later - but if there is a likelihood that this will encourage you to browse and spend more then that may not work for you - only you know whether this is the case. Bear in mind that even unsealed makeup can sell for decent prices as long as the photos show it's not used or barely used.

Definitely agree that you need to establish what the cause of your spending is - there's clearly a root cause to the problem. Getting to the bottom of that just could cure the problem.

Don't panic, start dealing with things logically. At the end of the day it IS only money and everything can be fixed one way or another. In the long term you will have to tell your husband about it but you'll work up to feeling strong enough to do that. Get that up to date SOA posted and let's see the true state of things.

No - I lost it ages ago and it's not on any apps anymore as of this weekend. Took it off paypal, amazon, and apple pay. I will delete Amazon but will keep ebay (I don't use it to buy things)

I did notice last week that I was opening the amazon app to browse. As in, opening it to see if there was anything to buy. That's quite a common behaviour for me. I don't know why I do it though. I have a specific website (BeautyBay) that I go to, click whats new and then that's it I'm gone. I used to have gambling issues as well so addiction is clearly an issue.

With ebay - I don't tend to buy things from it so it's safe to use to sell things. As above once I get going, I get addicted to selling. The issue is once the high's gone, I start buying again.

I am currently attending counselling sessions, because I spend, I eat, I accrue clutter. I'm very unhappy with myself and have no self esteem which is why I spend and eat. It's one thing knowing that's why I do it, and another stopping it. I paid some debt off last year by matched betting but I don't trust myself anymore with any website that also offers blackjack.


Thank you

meer53

Sorry but i don't see how you are going to sort anything out without your partner knowing, it's not just about the debt. You need a huge amount of support besides budgeting advice.

January2015

You will get fantastic advice on here, but my biggest concern with your post is the one sentence which read...

"We've been through this many many times before and each time he forgives me."

Until you address what brings on the urge to spend so much, so fast on frivolous items you will not sort your future out. I would advise speaking to your GP and explaining what's happening. Your GP can refer you for therapy to talk through the problems. I've been referred for therapy. First session was face to face and followed by several telephone appointments.

It really, really does help.

ohbumstoitall

January2015 wrote: »

You will get fantastic advice on here, but my biggest concern with your post is the one sentence which read...

"We've been through this many many times before and each time he forgives me."

Until you address what brings on the urge to spend so much, so fast on frivolous items you will not sort your future out. I would advise speaking to your GP and explaining what's happening. Your GP can refer you for therapy to talk through the problems. I've been referred for therapy. First session was face to face and followed by several telephone appointments.

It really, really does help.

I'm attending counselling at the hospital every two weeks because of my weight (I'll be having a gastric sleeve at some point this year) and we're covering all issues and I am finding its starting to help but it's a long road. It's all bundled together my weight, my perceived social status blah blah. I'm only just getting my head out of the sand, trying not to go back under!