Domestic abuse - Need to end tenancy early?

NeilCr

Comms69 wrote: »

How about asking what the OP wants to happen? Does she want to keep the baby? Fix the relationship? Have a clean break?


How about listening to the person (or actually both people) in the relationship.

My response was to your post about “before crucifying the partner”

Nice bit of twisting and -as ever - wanting the last word.

Perhaps, you can tell us what your actual experience and knowledge of DV is so that the OP can contrast it with that of 10islane who has made such excellent posts. I think that would be very helpful to her.

For clarity - I have some contact with DV victims and organisations from my volunteering role. My partner worked in a DV organisation some while back -and I have a close friend who volunteered for a local DV charity

Comms69

NeilCr wrote: »

My response was to your post about “before crucifying the partner”

Nice bit of twisting and -as ever - wanting the last word.

Perhaps, you can tell us what your actual experience and knowledge of DV is so that the OP can contrast it with that of 10islane who has made such excellent posts. I think that would be very helpful to her.

For clarity - I have some contact with DV victims and organisations from my volunteering role. My partner worked in a DV organisation some while back -and I have a close friend who volunteered for a local DV charity

Why do I need experience of DV? - when you say knowledge I presume you mean qualification. Knowledge is something gained. If you have an issue with what I'm saying by all means challenge it.


So in your professional capacity (or semi professional) you should know that finding out more information is the FIRST thing that any DV organisation does. You cannot advise based upon a scattergun approach.


Before crucifying the partner? Because there's two sides to every story, and people tend to avoid any self implication. Regardless of what you imagine is the case, unless you ask and find out, you wont know.


That's the crucial aspect.


Abuse is horrible and should be tackled, but it should not be guilty until proven otherwise, same as anything else.

NeilCr

Comms69 wrote: »

Why do I need experience of DV? - when you say knowledge I presume you mean qualification. Knowledge is something gained. If you have an issue with what I'm saying by all means challenge it.


So in your professional capacity (or semi professional) you should know that finding out more information is the FIRST thing that any DV organisation does. You cannot advise based upon a scattergun approach.


Before crucifying the partner? Because there's two sides to every story, and people tend to avoid any self implication. Regardless of what you imagine is the case, unless you ask and find out, you wont know.


That's the crucial aspect.


Abuse is horrible and should be tackled, but it should not be guilty until proven otherwise, same as anything else.

So. No experience or knowledge then.

In most instances like this (and it happens face to face) you will only get one side of the story. You take that at face value while retaining awareness that you may not be getting the complete picture. And that is what you have to initially act and advise on. For all anyone knows, as has been suggested, the OP may be exaggerating. We will probably never know as it is highly unlikely that her partner is going to come on here to give his side.

So - particularly in cases of DV - I assume that it is the truth and advise accordingly. Even if it so that the OP is not telling the truth then someone else may read this thread and be moved to act as they are suffering from DV. I would rather that than the alternative.

And, now, I am out of this thread because this bickering is not helping. Once more, OP, read the posts by 10islane and I hope things work out for you.

Comms69

Penitent wrote: »

This forum is not a Court, it's a place where someone can describe their circumstances and ask for help. By insisting that we need to hear their partner's side of things, you risk making the OP feel like a liar/that they'll never be believed, which may cause them to disengage from the forum and from whatever other help they may have chosen to access. Please stop.

I'm not saying that. Im just saying that this is someone's life, someone with another life inside of them. They need to make the best choice for themselves.


I don't particularly care about the partners side of things, but there is another side to the story, that cannot be dismissed.

Comms69

NeilCr wrote: »

So. No experience or knowledge then. - You're wrong on both fronts, but that's not the point. Neither experience nor a qualification is a requirement for knowledge.

In most instances like this (and it happens face to face) you will only get one side of the story. You take that at face value while retaining awareness that you may not be getting the complete picture. And that is what you have to initially act and advise on. For all anyone knows, as has been suggested, the OP may be exaggerating. We will probably never know as it is highly unlikely that her partner is going to come on here to give his side. - indeed and I agree.

So - particularly in cases of DV - I assume that it is the truth and advise accordingly. Even if it so that the OP is not telling the truth then someone else may read this thread and be moved to act as they are suffering from DV. I would rather that than the alternative. - fair enough

And, now, I am out of this thread because this bickering is not helping. Once more, OP, read the posts by 10islane and I hope things work out for you.

I think we can agree the OP should contact the professionals to get tailored advice.

FBaby

Amazing how some thread can degenerate into discussions of drastic actions based on a couple of words.

We have no idea whatsoever that serious abuse is taking place. For all we know, OP pushed her partner, he pushed her back and told her that if she ever did this again, he would go back to his place for good and leave her and baby of their own, and OP calls this physical and emotionally abusive.

Why not stick to the reason why OP posted here and not elsewhere, ie. what are the repercussions of him leaving and stopping paying any rent.

titchiban98

It’s the emotional abuse which is pushing me into a deep depression to the point where I’d rather sit in my car on my own all night than go home because I know as soon as I walk in the door the barrage of abuse will start. The main thing is that absolutely everything is my fault whether it’s him being late for work or even that the dog hasn’t got enough water or that the washing up hasn’t been done - because he shouldn’t have to do any housework that’s all my responsibility and if I don’t do it for whatever reason then he’ll call me loads of names and shout and scream. The neighbours have been round twice already to tell him to stop shouting at me and one time they even called the police because he was smashing my things up.
The police didn’t do anything to help me tho they simply took him to his friends house and told me to calm down.
The physical abuse - it doesn’t happen on a daily basis it is whenever ‘I have an episode’ as he says. He doesn’t hit me more than once at a time but it ranges from a smack round the head to a kick in the shin here and there which leave me with huge bruises.
I don’t want to stay with him. I want to leave. What I’m worried about is if he just ups and leaves without sorting out the tenancy or paying any of the money he will owe and I get left with it all.

Comms69

titchiban98 wrote: »

It’s the emotional abuse which is pushing me into a deep depression to the point where I’d rather sit in my car on my own all night than go home because I know as soon as I walk in the door the barrage of abuse will start. The main thing is that absolutely everything is my fault whether it’s him being late for work or even that the dog hasn’t got enough water or that the washing up hasn’t been done - because he shouldn’t have to do any housework that’s all my responsibility and if I don’t do it for whatever reason then he’ll call me loads of names and shout and scream. The neighbours have been round twice already to tell him to stop shouting at me and one time they even called the police because he was smashing my things up.
The police didn’t do anything to help me tho they simply took him to his friends house and told me to calm down.
The physical abuse - it doesn’t happen on a daily basis it is whenever ‘I have an episode’ as he says. He doesn’t hit me more than once at a time but it ranges from a smack round the head to a kick in the shin here and there which leave me with huge bruises.
I don’t want to stay with him. I want to leave. What I’m worried about is if he just ups and leaves without sorting out the tenancy or paying any of the money he will owe and I get left with it all.

So leave. It's money at the end of the day. Is that really a priority? Tomorrow he's at work (presumably) pack a bag and go home.

titchiban98

Hi thank you for replying. I’ve tried contacting Women’s aid around 5 times in the past and I never get an answer is there an email address at all? I wouldn’t be homeless my parents would definitely take me in it’s just the bills left to the address where me and my ex are now staying at which I am worried about as I can’t pay them on my own

titchiban98

The entire house is filled with my things all the furniture is mine and he’s said to me if I do anything like that he’ll smash my things up.
I wish it was all as easy as you’re making it out to be but it’s really not.