Prosperous soul in the making

savingholmes

Hi MF - unfortunately if you want to transfer a DB type pension there is a load of work they are required by law to do to show that they carried out due diligence. I don't have to follow their advice but I have to get their signature on some forms to show I sought advice and that it was given. I believe they should sign it as - I think because my money has been there so long - it has grown way beyond what I could draw out on the fixed benefit that I would otherwise get - seriously - even if I live to 100!

I cried at work yesterday over some negative feedback - it was a disproportionate reaction - but you know when you can't stop... took me over 2 hours to sort myself out! DH is feeling down too - and said he cried twice yesterday!!! I am so pleased that we have found a potential pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - but it is still over 5 years away before we could draw it. I tossed a turned all night - with conflicting feelings - over the tears and the cause of them - and the positive news about the possible pension transfer. Even in my dreams I was arguing with myself over whether going part time would be better than stopping work at 55 - and whether we really wanted to swap this house to live in the countryside - preferably within 30-60 minutes of a beach... The things is - I want to have choices - we don't have to do it f we are not ready.

Currently we are both run down and exhausted. We rested up over xmas but it wasn't enough - not helped by on-going issues with DD timing with peak workloads. I also have an assessment date for me - to look at ASD and some other conditions that can go alongside it. It's towards the end of March - and I really want confirmation / answers - but at the same time it's hard not to worry a little in case it leads to discrimination later. It wouldn't in my current role - but if I did need another later - it could. However - if I could retire early - I may choose not to work again in which case that wouldn't matter.

doingitanyway

Sorry you are so tired and frazzled. Is there any way you can get some time off to relax??

savingholmes

Thanks DIA - unfortunately not - I only have a day and half's leave left until 31/3 - and I need two half days for appointments for A etc. I am working from home tomorrow which I hope will help. My cleaner came today and it looks so much better. Work problem seems to have improved today - but I've been shocked at how little it took to knock me off course this week...

MovingForwards

Apologies SH, I should have explained rather than assumed you knew what I was getting at with my comment this morning!

As you and DH know what you want to do with the pension, and only need an IFA to sign off to say they have given advice, would it be worth shopping around to see if you can find someone cheaper, even by £500? Or is the £4k a minimum you can expect to pay due to what is involved?

My logic is saying you have your plan, regardless of the advice given, so you could have a rubbish cheap IFA as long as s/he signs what you need signing.

Or, are you looking for advice and confirmation you are doing the right thing?

I'm a bit (lot) behind on pensions, but am aware the hoops you have to jump through, based on what I've read on MSE and other members pension queries.

Regarding how you are feeling, as you appear to do longer hours sometimes / a lot of the time, can you bank the hours and use them to have a day off?

I'm concerned the direction you are going isnt, currently, a favourable one for you. Your body will only take so much. Somehow you need to pull back, get support and look after yourself.

You have a cleaner, so that saves one huge job at home, can you take on someone to do something else, even if it's once a month eg gardening.

Can you afford to take unpaid time off for the appointments? Or make your hours up? That will at least free up your 1.5 days.

When did you last do your 'coffee and cake me time'?

I can only make random suggestions based on what I see you telling us and I don't want to see you any more frazzled than you already are x

savingholmes

Thanks MF - appreciate you taking the time. The answer is - I succumbed and gave into a pub lunch by myself yesterday. Unfortunately though I was surrounded by noisy people so it wasn't as restful as I'd hoped. I've kind of worked a short day today though - and I'm not sure if I will log back on.

I spoke to an IFA on the phone today who wanted 3% of my pot!!! He did say I had a very good plan of action - and that there were IFAs out there who weren't as clued up as I am. I don't know whether that was partly flattery though because he wants my money. He was very nice and did ask the right questions. The other quote I've had so far wants 2% which would be a lot better. I would - from what I've read be far more comfortable with 1% but have read online about people wanting anything from 1-4%.
It's ridiculous as from my perspective - they just need to meet me, model some annuity rates - confirm I can't transfer it into my current work pension (I can't), make sure I'm not planning to invest in something stupid and that I have legitimate reasons for wanting the transfer and job's a good 'un. The fact that I already have a career average scheme in my current employment - and expect to get full state pension should also lower the risk. The guy I spoke to this morning was saying "yes but I have to insure against you ever making a claim against me in future - pretty much forever".

I did speak to someone at work who had done it - and is sounded like for less cost - but I'm waiting for him to come back with the details. I think his pot was half mine though - and they were wanting to charge him every year to manage his money which I don't want. That was a local provider. The guy I spoke to this morning said to me I bet you wish you could just do it all yourself and stamp it yourself as it sounds like you know what you're doing. I said absolutely!!!

My dad used to be in the business. Part of me wonders if I should ask him if he can recommend anyone - but I don't want him to go on and on with his own advice - as it tends to be either negative or on the extreme end. I think although this pension news offers exciting prospects - it's also pushing me over the edge a bit until I get it resolved. Unfortunately I can't do that without finding the right IFA - so its stressful - and adding to the tossing and turning factor at night.

I've just taken DD to the doctor which used up 1 hour 15 too. We are both frazzled from that. I have a family event this weekend which I can't get out of - as my brother is driving my DS to it and then we are picking DS up from there. I want to see DS it's just unfortunate that there is a wider family event on the same day - as I just find the social and family dynamics exhausting. DS then wanted a lift back to uni on sunday - DH told him something could be sorted - but I'm too whacked. I think he's partly trying to save on train fare - in which case I will probably just pay his fare. Hopefully in a few weeks I will feel better and can go and see him.

I've struggled to be productive today - which is also frustrating as I am currently in a peak workload phase at work. I do need to think about how I can build more help and support in for me but I don't know the answer. I've already bought 10 extra days of leave - partly to help with DD's appointments. I could at a push ask for unpaid leave on top - for DD's appointments and things but it is frowned upon.

DH and I do want to arrange to go away at some point and get DS to look after DD - but I was thinking more like Easter. I think if it was just 1 of the 3 of us feeling like this it would be okay - the problem is all 3 of us are now struggling and it is hard to keep pulling the others back up. I feel like the rescuer pulled down by the drowning man... sad but true.

Well that was maudlin. If I hold onto what's good in my life - our financial situation is improving which is something at least... We are all still here - that's another one. Our pooch is a God send - that's three things to be grateful for today.

MovingForwards

Thanks for explaining SH re: costs, I'm out of random ideas, but hopefully you will get that rubber stamp.

Sorry to hear your lunch wasn't as restful as you hoped, next time it will be!

Could you suggest taking on a part-timer or something to do some of the more smaller aspects of your role? Or is there anyone that could be utilised for a few hours a week, every week?

We are here to keep you afloat, can you possibly sit down and have a one2one chat with DH so he steps up for an extra hour or two a week or a few times a month, while you get away for that time? You can then do the same for him on the opposite weeks?

I think you would be wise to speak with DD and see if there is any way she can find a way of coping for 30 minutes if she is having a bad time while you do a doggy walk and clear your head?

I know you previously mentioned about her hormones, would it be worth her trying the pill, just as a way of keeping her hormones on one level throughout the month?

Is there any form of CBT that would be available for DD?

(My OH is on the spectrum and self-taught how to deal with people, what to do when situations get too much, amongst other things, it means he is constantly 'acting what he learnt' if we go out and meet up with mates (rarely and I go alone), puts music on when outside to block out the noise, does shopping at random times to avoid the stress of crowded places - I refuse to go shopping with him as he can just lose it in an instant, I'm encouraging him to get an official diagnosis, he doesn't need one as we know enough but it's a long slow process between supporting, ignoring and getting him to the Dr!)

savingholmes

Hi MF - Thanks for the random ideas.

DD is on the pill. Have asked the doctor today to refer her back to consultant/post 16 MH service. Also asked for period pain meds for her. DH just managed to convince DD to cook for us!! By which I mean put relatively 'junk' food in oven/on grill and for us to make sure it doesn't burn - but it at least broke our own inertia!

My DH has so far refused to go for an assessment/ask for one - but is happy to accept my diagnosis of him LOL.

My work has real peaks and troughs - so if I got an extra person even part time there would be times they didn't have enough to do. I've got some time limited staff to help with peak workload currently and they are doing a great job for their level. I also have some people I directly manage - however there's a lot of work that stays with me as there is any role and I just need to crack on.

Tomorrow's another day. Sis says she never gave me the money for DD's present which she bought off me - so using that for nephew's birthday - so that's a win. It's almost the weekend. Another win. DS had a fab time away - even getting to leave the airport on one of the stopovers so got to see an extra country! Another win. There is genuinely a lot of good things happening in our lives - but yeah right now if I could be part time that would be amazing. Working towards FIRE though means that we have those options - but in 5.5 years time...

Tahlullah.H

So hope you are ok. Sending you hugs and best wishes.

Tx

savingholmes

Thanks T. I've been reading other people's diaries tonight for a couple of hours. Always helps to put my issues into a better perspective. I think the fundamental issue is that I am too hard on myself, expect too much of myself and therefore the only person that can help me with that is.... me.

In MSE news its mortgage OP day which I only remembered when I was on the MFW forum. Mortgage has come down another £102.51. Every little helps. On the pension front - the costs of advice are huge!!! which is increasing my stress level. DH has asked BIL for a recommendation of a specialist to speak to - and asked typical rates for comparison so will see whether anything comes of that. I've also requested a few more quotes.

ohdearhowdidthathappen

The costs for advice are obscene, you'd think there would be a government backed scheme or a cap on costs. Kind of like 'wills week' where you can see someone in exchange for a donation