Mooloo’s Managing it in 2018

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Mooloo

I applaud your honesty. Not an easy life but I salute you for doing your best. There are many dysfunctional families in this world, the future Duchess of somewhere is a good example.

We all have to make the best of the hand we are dealt and you are doing your best.

Savvy_sewing

I hope that I am always nice to others, although I do try to get my point across.
I may not like criticism but the whole point of being here is to get feedback, or I would have just written a diary at home.
The friends I have made on here over the years have been my sounding board, advisors, etc
I am well aware of the fact that people don't always agree with me I have enough private messages to be testament to that!!
But I know that if I put my life on here it is obviously not going to be everyone's cup of tea.

I do my best.

NeilCr

marliepanda wrote: »

It!!!8217;s not my intention to berate or criticise, though I can see how it can be seen as that.

Whilst Mooloo May be doing marvellously by the grandchild the girl has been through some things she shouldn!!!8217;t have and is seeing many families around her falling apart (including from what I can see her mum potentially having a new child which must be difficult for a child being looked after by another, no matter how well they are being looked after)

Adding more instability to this is not good for the child and I don!!!8217;t think it!!!8217;s good for Mooloo either to have an unstable relationship dragging on.

While I get what you are saying I am not too sure that a partner who doesn't live with the primary carer has a huge effect. Especially, if the child doesn't see them that much.

Without going into a huge amount of detail my partner is in a slightly similar situation to Mooloo. She is the main carer for her granddaughter (her son also lives with her but works long hours) - she has a large family which, thankfully, has far less problems than Mooloo but my partner is still "The Rock". And there are issues including health ones and ADHD so I have a little insight into what it is like.

I don't live with her - we both have separate lives which suits the two of us. I am round her house once or twice a week - quite often the granddaughter is in bed or close to it, anyway. I am pretty peripheral to her and while we get on fine I don't think I make a whole lot of impact on her and her life. The stability is provided by my partner and her son. The rest of her background is quite chaotic.

I have a bit of sympathy with Mooloo's boyfriend if I am honest. I hasten to add that is no criticism of Mooloo at all - indeed, I read this column regularly and am an admirer of what she has done and is doing. But, if you are in a relationship with someone who has such family responsibilities - and one that you can see isn't going to change much (my partner's granddaughter is younger than Mooloo's) you do have to be comfortable with playing (and continuing to play) second fiddle to the family. I hasten to add that, again, this is no criticism - I understand that family comes first.

I am cool with it. I am happy on my own and have good friends. But, it can be frustrating when you are trying to organise things around babysitting, emergency calls, work schedules etc. I am now working hard to get a dinner with friends sorted out. I think the first date I can offer is 23rd June as it stands! After that, who knows?. I am aware that this happens to others but both Mooloo and my partner are grandmothers who, it would be nice to think, could have some more free time. I feel sorry for my partner but she takes it all in her stride - her main concern is the granddaughter. I am glad that I can provide her breathing space and a punchbag (!) when we get out together.

She's said to me a couple of times that she doesn't think it's fair on me as it can be difficult to plan things or, indeed, do stuff off the cuff. Some of my friends have said that a lot of men would not deal with it as well as I do. But, she's great and, in a way, our relationship suits us both

Personally, as the boyfriend I'd have been a bit uncomfortable with the amount of references in this thread - and the detail. But that's me - others will see it differently

Finally. Good luck with your endeavours Mooloo.

Savvy_sewing

Sorry that I am giving too much detail. I think that I have been writing on here for about 10
Years so I forgot it's an open forum and I think I am talking to my friends

NeilCr

Mooloo wrote: »

Sorry that I am giving too much detail. I think that I have been writing on here for about 10
Years so I forgot it's an open forum and I think I am talking to my friends

There's absolutely nothing to apologise here for.

I was just saying if I was your boyfriend I'd be uncomfortable with the amount of information you gave out about me. Others wouldn't be bothered. It's a personal thing!

Savvy_sewing

Your probably very right. That's a problem I have if I am writing as I feel/experience things those around me are mentioned.
He will probably be relieved then that I will be moving on. Although we are still chatting, and he is going on his own yo-yo of emotions at the moment. He tells me his daughter and her family have put in a bid for a place and he is hoping that they will soon be moving out. I am not sure if that is supposed to make me change my mind.

My heart is struggling, my head is still in the middle of the cement mixer and I waiver with all the options that I am discussing at the moment. I cannot be cold and calculating very easily, I have always worn my heart on my sleeve.
The last 18 days have been the worst emotional moment of my recently life.
I am digging deep and trying to focus on the dreams becoming reality and not slipping back into my comfort zone.

Cairn

Mooloo, I am sorry. I don’t always agree with your opinion and/or blame with things but I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy and I’m not sure I would do as well as you in any case.

How did the SS meeting go with DS and GF?

Re DGD, for what’s its worth I don’t think you have done anything wrong but I would be mindful that she has experienced and witnessed a lot for her young age, I’m sure she picks up in the tension. She asked to live with her Mum the other week no?

Lots of TLC (which may be good for you both), age appropriate chats and reassurance. Kids have a tendency to come to their own random and extreme conclusions if issues are not explored.

Cairn

To add, would it be helpful if you position all decisions based on the effect it can be expected to have on her?

This is meant kindly and is no criticism at all, but when we are dealing with chaotic circumstances our norms can be altered leaving us unable to recognise what is ab/normal.
Her normal is not usual really and is she being helped to cope with that when it becomes heightened?

Savvy_sewing

She asked to go to her Mum's rather than actually go to live there. She gets bored with her Mum's after a while. However it is a discussion that will no doubt be raised several times in the future as she battles with wanting to be "normal @ and live with a Mummy and Daddy rather than a granny. But we will cross those bridges when we have too.
It's not down to me. I presume that it would have to include Social or at least the family court.
I am also aware that if I do ever get to Portugal I will have to have permission to take her with me if we go before she is 18.

So many sides to all of this.
I better get to work.

thorsoak

Sadly DGD's "normal" is more normal than a lot of people would like to accept as happening here in the UK.