Mooloo’s Managing it in 2018

Chrystal

Mooloo wrote: »

Now you know why I want to pack my bags and run away.
I don't want to deal with this anymore.
I am destroyed. My family is torn apart.
I hate my life.
They say if you don't like it change it!
But I cannot afford to change it.

You are in a very hard place, and probably suffering from shock, but I think you're looking at this from the wrong end of the telescope.
Whilst we (usually) love our kids we don't always like them, and can HATE the things they do. Unfortunately we cannot change their behaviour, their personalities are born in them and they are what they are. We can however change our behaviour toward them. "If you don't like it change it, But I cannot afford to change it" This I think is what you need to try and change.... Why do you think money will make a difference? Believe me it won't !

It's very easy to say, and very hard to do, but you need to distance yourself from your son and his GF. ANYTHING you do will not change his behaviour, that is something that only he can do and only IF and WHEN he is ready. I know how hard this is to do ,it took me years to do it, but it was only when I did that I realised fully that I'd been part of the problem by supplying him with money etc.
I think we feel it's our responsibility that they behave the way they do, IT'S NOT! Your eldest daughter isn't like it. and you brought them both up the same.

The old prayer says
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

It might sound trite, but if we could follow it I think we would all be a lot happier.

There is only one thing you CAN change, and it doesn't take money, and that is your reaction to what is going on. You honestly can't change anything that your son does or doesn't do, so try and concentrate on the positives in your life. (((hugs)))

thorsoak

Mooloo wrote: »

Dgd just asked to go to her Mum's because she's not happy here. Then she asked if we can go away to Portugal.
My heart is broken at the moment.
I am angry like my daughter and her husband at my son and his GF.
BF is sprouting platitudes but no plans how to follow through. I am not falling for it at the moment.

Look at the timing of DGD's comment, Mooloo - first thing in the morning - a morning when she has to go to school after a lovely weekend. I think that the nub of the problem with her is probably school - not what is going on around her at home.

For the time being, concentrate on exactly what is the problem with DGD - forget about druggy DS (I know, that sounds horrible, but it is what it is), forget about BF who is trying to wind you in yet again - your priority is DGD - the others will be there when you have got to the bottom of what is really worrying DGD. After a happy weekend for her, to say "I want to go to my mum - or Portugal" says more about what is in front of her right now - and that is school. Ask her friends what happens at school as well as asking her teachers and her. There's something worrying her about school.

Almost-free

Whilst others keep clearing up their mess they learn nothing . They have to be involved in the clean up process- whether it's the dirty kitchen or their lives generally . Anything else is just sticking a plaster on the situation .
I said years ago that I felt your son felt neglected amongst all the crap going on with the twins, and I stand by that now, but mooloo no one could have tried harder over these many years I've followed your story .

I really don't know how you keep going- but you do. I hope the authorities take appropriate action and do not expect your over-burdened family to try to pick up the pieces again, as clearly something more drastic is needed now.

Savvy_sewing

I wasn't wanting money in my bank for them.
I was wishing I had enough to kick start my ability to move.
I have wanted to move to Portugal for over 30 years.
I have plans to move eventually if I can build the nest egg again.
I understand that Dgd has problems at school and I am talking to the school, who are also trying to find out what is upsetting Dgd. She wants to see her Mum and I understand that.
I am aware that she is sensitive to what has happened in my life this week, and the school were told on Friday.
My friends have rallied round.
Biggest and her hubby have been told that they don't have to keep the boys and if DS is stupid enough to keep smoking that stuff and let all around him collapse then so be it.
I am not doing anything other then trying to talk but he is not listening and is playing the victim.
I am fed up.
I did the tears and went through shock
I did the practical when necessary
I can't do anything more.
I have been unhappy with BF and I feel vulnerable at times, but I am not getting reeled in with one day, etc etc
I am strong enough, just to walk tall on my own.
I am just saddened.
I will get to Portugal eventually. But when is probably after I retire.
I am trying hard to turn the business a profit, and now I am not replacing Biggest or adding another Seamstress I have caught up with a lot of work these last few days, and I will start to see the bank balance increase because I am not paying out so much.
I have put the prices up on several items. I will see the difference over the coming months.
I am well aware that my life style doesn't suit some.
I grew up moving and living abroad.
I am quite capable of starting over if I want to.
I do know some Portuguese and I am studying it every day.
I have been there often enough to know what I am looking for.
I can use my skills in any country as long as I have a cushion while I build a customer base.
If I have to wait until Dgd is 18 then I will, but if I can get a place sooner and holiday there then I will. If I have to wait I will.
I don't believe that what is happening now is why I want to go, it's just proving to me that I don't want life to pass me by while I am able.
I realise that "running away" will not solve the problems but it might just distance me enough.
And just because I put my ideas and thoughts down doesn't mean it's a done deal.
My writing here has always been spontaneous and how I am thinking when I pick up the iPhone to write. So some days I am positive and up beat, others I am scared, tired, emotionally drained.
But this is who I am.
I yo-yo from emotions.
I am me.

thorsoak

A positive, affirmative post Mooloo! You are doing the best that you can, which is the best that any of us can do. You know that you cannot change the world, you can only change your attitude to it - and that's what you appear to be doing xxx

We have your back xx

Savvy_sewing

thorsoak wrote: »

A positive, affirmative post Mooloo! You are doing the best that you can, which is the best that any of us can do. You know that you cannot change the world, you can only change your attitude to it - and that's what you appear to be doing xxx

We have your back xx

Thankyou
I appreciate it.
I hope that I sleep better tonight!

ognum

Mooloo wrote: »

Thankyou
I appreciate it.
I hope that I sleep better tonight!

A very brave post Mooloo.

beanielou

It is so so ok for you to be you.
I salute you.

Savvy_sewing

Oh and I just told BF I am not tempted by his carrot.
I did say if he ever actually formulated a plan for his mythical future then I would listen. He asked me to tell him if I started dating again.
I have said if we are still friends I will, but if he leaves it till then then he will have missed the last chance saloon. And if he is reading this he will reconize my turn of phrase.
I may still love him, but I will adapt. He may have started the ball rolling last week in a "gentleman guesture", but he just accelerated the decision that's been in the back of my mind for a long while, and one of the reasons that I think I self sabotage my self. Tearing myself in two trying to be a partner in one world and a single person in another. Not properly formulating goals and plans because I wasn't sure if it was going to be a me or an us.
I am sad. But I have chosen to go on on my own, well with my few friends I know and the friends on here who keep me on my toes.
Now I really do have a tension headache and need sleep.

jackieblack

Mooloo wrote: »

Oh and I just told BF I am not tempted by his carrot.

Ooh err Missus! :rotfl:

(Not diminishing what you're going through Mooloo, just trying to lighten the mood a little and, maybe, raise a smile x)