Adventures of the Boy & Me: Part 2..

Chandelier.

Hey Scott, nice to hear from you. I hope you are well. I'll pop over to your diary later on and have a catch up. Life has just been so busy and hectic lately. I'm off on annual leave now for a week, thank goodness.

I've spent a couple of days away at my cousins house whilst the boy's been at his grandparents/dad's. It's given me some time to clear my headspace and gather up my perspective on certain things in my life. I went out last night with my cousins daughter and her friend and had a wonderful time. The friend did my hair and makeup for me which looked amazing and I felt so much more confident and then we went to the local pub for food and cocktails. That's my last outing for this month, I'm determined to save what's left in my bank account to roll in to next months pots. I suppose whenever I have funds left at the end of the month I could possibly spread these across all my other seperate pots and once I've reached the expected limit I can divert funds elsewhere.

I'm been to my hospital appointment which had run forty minutes late. I'd been waiting for this follow up for over six months. We basically discussed the results of a procedure I had back in June 2017 and why I seem to get so many kidney/urine infections and we have come up and explored several options which has made me feel more at ease. I've had a referral for a procedure which should overall help but it will be weekly treatments for the first six to eight weeks so I'll have to plan this to fit in with everything else. I have an appointment with occupational health next week which we'll discuss ways in which I can be further supported at work and hopefully access some CBT/Counselling to help me further address problems and issues that I experience in life. I'm hoping that if I get regular appointments I can fit both things in on the same day and my manager has stated she will give me the days off and work around these appointments which is a positive/bonus.

I just need a plan of action and to get back into a routine. I've another appointment later on today to see my consultant psychiatrist for a medication review and to discuss further options that may help me deal with things. I'm a bit nervous for this as my CPN is still off sick and it will be someone else attending with me that I do not know and it will be like giving my back story all over again. I think I'm going to write everything down as a letter and hand it to the consultant so we have something to work on rather then him ask me questions on the spot because I don't always get my points across or say how I'm actually feeling. I really struggle with this and it's something I need to work on.

The letter I wrote to manfriend seemed to opened up some form of communication that has made things easier to talk about. He actually read it which meant a lot to me and took onboard that its easier for me to write things down. He said I have a way with words when I write and if I've ever thought of going into writing. I used to blog a lot of things down but kept it private but this is something I want to get back into and maybe share it with others. I'd usually write about certain situations but write them down in letter form as if I was actually talking direct to the person which helped and I'd often look back and reflect on things I wrote..

Its a bit like keeping a diary on here. I'm able to write down daily thoughts/ feelings and about what we get up to whilst also discussing or stating money saving ways. It keeps me on track, even though I'm debt free, my journey is now to save as much as possible to secure my future.

Going back to the conversation about man friend. We went out for a meal and took the boy with us (the boy understands he is just a friend at the moment) and we were able to sit down and have a nice meal and just be able to talk about things in general. The boy really enjoyed this and likes to spend time with man friend who is really good with him and accepts he's part of my life which is important. Afterwards we dropped the boy off at home and had a quick coffee and a chat about things. Overall he wants me to be okay, he wants me to focus on myself and work towards getting myself better and back to where I was before Christmas. There are many things I just need to accept and learn to chill out and let go of things. I overthink things and complicate the most simplest situations which is a bad habit of mine and I need to work on. I feel we are in a better place and that he's supporting me in his own ways and gives out good advice and is honest with me which is what I need.

I need to change my lifestyle and make small changes to start with. I'm unhappy about my body/weight and have been saying for a long time that I need to change but I never do. Maybe now is the time the lightbulb has switched on. It's alright me saying these things but I actually have to want to do it myself and be proactive about it. I know its not going to be instant results and these things take time. I need to get out of the habit of not eating and snacking and actually eat healthy balanced meals and exercise more regularly because overall it will make me feel better in the long run. I need to cut back on the amount of caffeine I consume and cut out fizzy drinks. I usually get a craving for these at work but I know it's not good for me, I just drink them for a sugar rush. I need to also focus on my sleeping pattern and get back into the routine of going to bed/waking up early. The late nights aren't good for me, the occasional ones are okay but if I have a run of them I often find I tend to play catch up and have a nap or oversleep for too long and waste my days off. I just need to be more productive and use my free time wisely and also learn to relax more and find ways of relaxing rather then feeling like I have to be on the go all the time.

In regards to money saving, I used several comparison websites and ultimately found a car breakdown cover which suited me and my needs. The price was right and the reviews for the company I went with are mainly positive compared to some of the bigger firms. It cost me £52.70 for the year including most premiums such as personal cover, nationwide recovery and home start etc. So thats one expense ticked off the list and in future will be covered by the car fund saving pot.

I've been a bit naughty and had the odd occasional spend on beverages/snacks when the boy has been ice skating. I need to plan ahead and take food or drink with me so I'm less likely to spend. All the little amounts add up without realising. This money could be saved or spent elsewhere.

I've decided to write a list of things I'd like to buy or do and will use this as motivation along the way of my journey. Rather then just buy them straight away I will allow myself time and to think it through before impulse buying them. An example of this is I'd like some heated rollers and I thought about buying them straight away. Instead I'm going to leave this just for now and see if the want is still there in a couple of weeks time and if funds allow I may purchase them. I may use examples like this as rewards for making small changes in my lifestyle choices. I know I don't want to buy any new clothes at the moment because I know I want to lose weight but until that happens I shall carry on wearing what I have as there is plenty in ny wardrobe. When my body starts to adapt and change I'll buy myself a few new items to last along the way until I finally reach a point I'm happy with then I can go out and splurge on a new wardrobe if I'd like. I'm not one to follow fashion and tend to have staple items which I can mix and match.

I still need to post a list of goals and aspirations I'd like to achieve. I've been thinking about these carefully and I'm trying not to set the bar too high. They must be realistic and achieveable. Also small suttle changes I'd like to add back into my life such as visiting family and friends more. Life's too short, I may as well enjoy things along the way and enjoy other's company.

Anyhow i best get on with my day. There's plenty to do and I've stated I will get on with planning my mum's 60th. The first thing I intend to do is enquire whether a certain venue is available on the day and if an entertainer is available. Once those two things are booked everything else should fall into place. I'm hoping to do things as cost effective as possible and my brother and sister are hopefully chipping in as well so I'm trying not to make it too expensive. The original venue i wanted would have cost £35 an hour. I could get a conservative or working mens club for way cheaper then that so that's what I shall be looking into. I'll draw up a budget and allocate funds to different parts and already have a few ideas lined up to make it cheaper whilst also feeling as if its money well spent. It's a big birthday for my mum and one to celebrate/go all out on... You're only 60 once and she looks a lot younger then her age! I don't know what I'll give her present wise, I'll think about that closer to the time.

That was a rather large update so I guess I should say bye for now!

Chandelier.

Afternoon...

I've been thinking alot today about what has happened over the past 12/18 months and have been reflecting back on things. Things that I have done or achieved or even things that didn't go so well. All of it combined has made me into the person I am right now at this minute. For every negative there was a positive. Overall there were far more positives that outweighed the negatives in 2017, I just wasn't able to see them all the time. However when looking back through my previous diaries I am now able to see things more clearly and see how far I've come. So I thought about it all carefully and wrote a list comparing both the negatives and positives next to each other and I thought I'd share it.

In 2017..

1) I didn't get to return to my previous job role after being off sick. Instead I was placed into an environment where initially I did not want to go. However I stuck with it and I'm happy that I did because it opened up my eyes and allowed me to develop and become the nurse I am today. I now have a strong support network and work with a bunch of amazing people whom get me through each working day and through the good and bad times. I class them as my friends. I've undergone so many training courses and built upon my work portfolio and have improved myself and broadened my knowledge.

2) I had 4 months off sick from work due to mental health reasons. I returned to work at the beginning of March 2017 and have remained in work ever since aside from a few days off due to a hospital admission for kidney infection. The reason I have remained in work is down to the support and care I've received along the way. This is a huge achievement for me because usually I jump ship when things get hard. However I overcame and tackled obstacles along the way.

3) I did not have a secure job. I was only meant to return to a ward environment to finish off my previous contract. I stuck it out, worked hard and eventually gained another contract which hopefully should become a permanent role later on this year, fingers crossed

4) I increased my debt. Originally I only had my car debt to pay off but I chose to carry out further debt to have my veneers done. I don't regret this one bit as my confidence soared and I felt like I could laugh again without hiding my smile. I managed to finance this through utilising 0% offers but I still worked hard each month to pay this all down and thanks to some inheritance that came my way, I was able to clear it in full at the beginning of this year.

5) I went through several medication changes and often stopped taking them. I went through so many different medication changes that I've lost count. I experienced numerous side effects and at times completely came off my meds because I believed that they did nothing for me. However due to a close call last October, we tried a different strategy and the consultant decided to treat both diagnoses. With this we finally found a combibation that suited me and although in recent weeks I've been struggling, we've tweaked it slightly and hopefully over the next month or two should see a difference again. The most important bit of all is that this is the longest period of time that I've consistently taken medication; even when I was struggling and wanted to give up, I still carried on and I'm glad. Medication isn't the be all and end all, its only part of my journey and I now accept that.

6) I attended a CBT group that I hated. I don't do well in groups, especially with people I don't know. During this time I felt very vulnerable and did not want to attend each week. However I stuck it out and completed the full twelve week course and through that i gained a friend whom is very special to me and i can relate to in so many ways. He understands what i go through from time to time and is always there for me, just like I am for him. Without that group, I wouldn't have met him. I honestly can't imagine my life without him. In regards to the course I also learnt many things about myself and I am now able to identify triggers/stresses that have an effect on me. I gained knowledge of ways to help alleviate the symptoms and how to deal with certain situations. I'm still learning to this day but compared to the beginning, the tough times are much easier and I get over them quicker.

7) I entered an unhealthy relationship. In my previous diary i mentioned old manfriend whom at first I thought was lovely and genuine. I tbought I'd finally met someone decent. However it took me quite a while to see clearly through the rose tinted glasses I had on. He was your typical narccisist but he had me hooked. The red flags were so obvious yet i was so blind. He was a bad influence and contributed to me changing into a person I wasn't familiar with. It took me to hit rock bottom to finally see the relationship for what it really was and with support from others I finally had the courage to say enough was enough. I knew I deserved better. I walked away from that situation and I haven't looked back since. Occasionally he tries to get into contact but I mostly ignore him now. I've other things to focus on.

8) We lost a close relative. Grandpa was the centre of many peoples lives. This was the boy's great grandpa from his dad's side of the family but i also maintained a close relationship with him and he was part of our support network. Sadly we lost him at the end of August and the boy was devastated. However it's bought the family closer together and made us realise time is precious. I class the boy's dad's family as my own as the majority of us are there for one another and support each other as much as possible. I'd be lost without them.

9) The boy's dad still hasn't stepped up. He's had so many chances and he's yet to take them up. I would have thought after recent circumstances and loss of family members that he would. However he's the one who ultimately is missing out on the boy and I've finally realised I can no longer change that or influence it anymore. The boy is okay without him and has many other role models in his life to make up for this thankfully. He only likes to be there when it suits him and his lifestyle which isn't my problem anymore. I've let go of that now after many years and I've accepted it for what it is.

10) I haven't lost weight. Although i haven't lost weight compared to this time last year, the weight I gained from my holiday I slowly lost and I'm back at square one. However I'm now hoping to make smaller lifestyle changes which will enable me to do this over the next year or so and get me to where i want to be. I'm now hopefully in the right mind frame to do this.

Now for the rest of the positives...

1) I've widened my social circle. I've gained more friends over the past year or so and I'm going out more and socialising just like I used to. I became such an introvert and let life pass by without realising. This has all changed and the inner extrovert in me has shown it's face again and I'm enjoying myself more then I used to. The people around me and closest to me accept me for who i am.

2) I now own my car. No more paying out monthly expenses towards car debt, it's 100% mine and I shall keep it running till it's on its last legs. No more PCP deals or car loans for me. In the future I will save up for these sort of things.

3) I have a new smile. As mentioned I had veneers done and it has dramatically changed my confidence. I now laugh feeely often with my head held high and I no longer cover my mouth. I smile properly in pictures and it's changed the way I view myself. It was definately worth the price

4) I have enough savings for a house deposit. Thanks to an inheritance and savings that I already have, I have enough money to put a deposit down on a house. However I'm not in any rush to buy and I'm going to continue to save as much as possible to give me a better chance of finding the right property for me and the boy. I want to make sure our future is secure before I jump in at the deep end.

5) I met new manfriend. New manfriend has helped me through some tough times. He's seen me both at my worse and best. I've been difficult at times but he's still stuck around and is there for me, that in essence says it all. I enjoy his company and he brings out the best in me. He knows things about me that others don't know. He means alot to me and I'll just have to see how things go.

6) I went abroad on holiday. We spent two weeks away in Majorca with close friends and their family and had a brilliant time. Lots of memories definately made. We've got the Caribbean cruise later om this year which shall be another adventure! Lots to look forward too.

7) I was asked to be bridemaid for my sister's wedding. My sister and I are a lot closer in recent years and I'm honoured to be asked to be her bridesmaid. If you had asked me this years ago, I would have probably laughed. I had lots of fun going wedding dress shopping with my sister and her friend and we already have bridemaid dresses. The wedding will be amazing and I look forward to it later on this year.

8) I'm settled at work. As mentioned previously I've settled down into a ward environment and enjoy going to work. It's challenging in many ways and although i know each day is different, I kind of know what to expect. My manager is amazing and very supportive, she has stuck her neck out on the line for me and she got a positive result from me. I am made to feel like I'm part of an actual team.

9) My relationships with my family have improved. This is a majorly important one. My relationship with my mum has drastically improved and i find myself alot more open and honest with her these days. I feel as if I can actually confide in her now and that she understands me more. I've also opened up a lot more to other family members such as my uncle and cousin and they are always up to date with things. I'm going to continue to maintain them strong relationships. I'd be lost without them in my life.

10) Last but not least... the care team I'm under . I sometimes complain about this but overall they are one of the main reasons why I'm here today. They saved me from a dark place and worked hard to get the correct diagnoses so they could support me in the best ways possible. It may not always be perfect and we may have had a couple of bumps along the way but they never gave up on me. Even when I was non compliant and wasn't engaging with anything they were still there until I was ready to. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. My psychiatrist is experienced and has vast knowledge regarding bipolar disorder and adhd so I trust his judgement fully. My care coordinator has also been brilliant at times even though shes not always available, I wouldn't want anyone else. I've built that trust and support. I hope to continue and engage and get myself to where i want to be. I've laid the foundation, now it's time to build upon it.

Thats the be all and end all really of 2017

Chandelier.

Hello ,

It's been another few days since I last updated. I've been a little busy bee and have accrued a few spends, not vast amounts but enough.

On Thursday I spent the morning sorting out some things at home that needed doing then in the afternoon I met up with my cousin and her friend for a spot of shopping. I only spent around £7 on some hair clips and a new keyring which split into two wings. I gave one to my Uncle because he's pretty much the closest person I have to my Dad (Dad passed away 17 years ago) and it looks funny on his set of car keys haha :rotfl:. I also met up with a friend for tea where we went to an all you can eat buffet. It was nice to have a catch up and to see where each of us are at this point in our lives. The conversations just flowed and I stated that we need to do it more often as much as our schedules allow because often time passes us by without realising. The boy was at ice skating with my mum until I got a phone call to pick him up as an incident had happened with my Grandad that involved him being robbed twice in one day and the fourth time within a week, he's very vulnerable, so goodness knows what else we'll do with him .

With all that's been going on recently in our lives, I decided to let the boy have the day off school yesterday just to have a breather and relax. I know I'm naughty for doing that but he's never off school. Instead we stayed over at man friends house, had a chilled morning then we went and bought the boy a new football, had some sausage rolls and went to our local park for a run around and game of football which the boy enjoyed and it really tired him out. He then also had his ice skating lesson which he's starting to skate with another little girl with the view of skating in pairs- they look gorgeous together. I'm so proud. We then got picked up and went back to mine where we had a takeaway for tea and had an early night.

So all in all a busy couple of days but I don't mind. This week has been my annual leave and I've kept busy enough to keep distracted but not enough to over exert myself. I know when I return to work on Tuesday, I'll feel refreshed and ready for anything thrown my way.
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I've a couple more outings planned for the week ahead, mainly get togethers with people from work which will be nice. I just need to remember where and when :rotfl:.

Today is another chill out day and I'm hoping to go food shopping later on today. I really am keen to start improving my diet and get back into a routine of exercising. I'm looking to potentially change gyms to one where although more expensive, it has a swimming pool and is closer to home/easier to park. It's only around an extra £9 per month but if it fits into my lifestyle easier then it will be worth it.

Anyhow I best get off and make me and the boy some lunch. I think tuna sandwiches are on the cards today

Chandelier.

Yet another few days have passed since my last update. Alot has gone on recently and I feel as if I'm stuck at a crossroads in some ways.

Money wise, I am doing okay. I've had little outgoings so far this week apart from I went for lunch with some work colleagues on Monday which was nice, £20 spent there but it was worth it.

I then worked Tuesday and Wednesday so I did not spend anything then. I also took food to work with me which is the first time in a long while. Usually I don't tend to eat at work but I thought whilst I'm getting into the habit of choosing healthier food options, I mays well get back into the routine of eating healthily.

Today I'm off to meet another work friend and attend an appointment with her and then we shall be dropping her daughter off somewhere and going for lunch after where we can have a proper catch up. It's been a while since we've been able to talk to each other properly.

I've also made plans for tomorrow to go for a walk with my friend and her dog which the fresh air will do me good.

All my budgets and bank accounts have been aligned and up to date, so far I'm doing well for this month. Lets hope it carries on this way.

I just need to be mindful about how often I'm going out and to utilise my entertainment budget wisely, especially with half term coming up.

There have been further plans and budgets made for my sisters wedding. I may need to increase my monthly payments until September to pay for this as the costs seem to be increasing. It will all be worth it though.

I've also been utilising my AMEX cashback card and have put all essentials or spends for the month onto this. I've transferred the money from different pots into another account, ready to pay in full when the statement comes. Ive set up a direct debit for this. So I'm all organised there.

Overall I'm just keeping a close eye on things and life is passing by quickly. I'd love to update more but lifes just been hectic.

The boy breaks up from school tomorrow for half term so I'm going to write a plan for the week ahead and work around my shift patterns as best as I can. After next week I have yet another week of annual leave to take. Im yet to decide what to do with that but I'm sure I'll find something to keep me busy.

Anyhow I best get ready for the day ahead

Chandelier.

Afternoon,

Yet another couple of days have passed and this last week seems to have been an emotional whirlwind for many reasons.

On Thursday, I went to the appointment with my friend and her daughter. It didn't go too well as it had been cancelled and we sat with a lady going through options of which I made a suggestion which could be a possibility and open up further options for them to explore. So that was one positive out of the negative. Rather then dropping her daughter off at the train station, we decided to drive her to the destination she intended to go to and we had lunch there which cost £18 but it was well worth it and overall we all had a lovely day.

I've £142 left in the entertainment budget for the rest of the month so I need to be mindful when making plans on how much I can actually spend as I was hoping to be able to save some of this at the end of the month.

On Friday, I ended up having a long nap in the morning before heading out for the afternoon for a walk with my friend and her dog where we were able to have a catch up. I then went round to manfriends house and we picked the boy up from school and had a healthy tea- Salmon with sweet potato mash and green beans. The boy helped prepare this and was really hands on. I've never ate salmon or green beans before. I'm extremely fussy with food so this was a big step for me to try new foods. I enjoyed the meal but would prefer much smaller portions. After this we made homemade pancakes then sat down and played a couple of card games. The small things in life ey?

I made yet another complaint to my care team due to the lack of continuity in care. Right up until now they've been brilliant, however my care cordinator has been off for several weeks so I've had little to no support, especially when I've been struggling. There are services I need to access which I've yet been able to do so and it all should be part of the care I receive. I'm wanting to undergo CBT in order to learn how to deal with thoughts, feelings and behaviours in the right way rather then how I do right now because it's affecting many aspects of my life. I can't do it alone when I'm not sure what is the right way. There are a few things I could do. The end result of the complaint was that if my care coordinator is not back by Monday then the team leader will take me on temporarily until she is back and I should be able to have regular meetings to figure out what steps to take next.

Yesterday I spent the day at work which was hard going and I had a lot of pressure placed on me when it should have been divided up. I got through the day without having a melt down but I was left feeling frustrated and exhausted that when I got home, I fell straight asleep. Not every shift is like that but sometimes it's easier when I'm on my own because I'm not expecting anything from others.

This morning I took the boy to his ice skating and had a catch up with a friend there. I've decided to cut back on one of the lessons which will save me money each month as I feel this lesson does not benefit him like it used to. He will also be sharing one of his other lessons which will lessen the cost. The money I do save will be directed elsewhere into savings.

And last but not least, it's finally half term. I need to come up with a plan to keep the boy and myself busy whilst also working around my shift pattern. I'm hoping things won't be too costly and will try to plan activites that are free or at least at a low cost.

So that's pretty much it for now.

Chandelier.

So the plan for the week ahead..

Monday: The boy is at his grandparents. I'm off work but I'm going to make the effort to tackle my bedroom and sort through things and have a mini clear out. I won't over exert myself but I need to at least make a start.

Tuesday: I'm working a 12.5 hour shift so the boy will be spending the day at his great grannies and staying over at his grandparents again who will drop him off Wednesday morning.

Wednesday: I think we'll go for a walk/scooter/bike ride in the morning. Then I'll drop the boy off at his grannies whilst I attend a counselling appointment organised through work. This will take a couple of hours and then I'll probably pick him up and find something else to do with our time.

Thursday: I'm going to take the boy to our local attractions such as the sea life centre and take a picnic with us. I already have annual passes to cover the cost of these. We'll probably use public transport to get there as its alot cheaper then the cost of car parking and the plan will be to walk home. I'll possibly allow the boy to spend a couple of pound in the arcades which will keep him happy.

Friday: I'm working a late shift, 1-9pm. There is the potential to see manfriend before work and maybe we could catch breakfast or do something together. The boy will then spend the rest of the day with his Nana and no doubt beg her to play boardgames with him.

Saturday: The plan is to take him to the local theme park which we have passes for. Again, we'll take a picnic with us to minimise costs but we may treat ourselves to a hot chocolate if the weather is as cold as it has been.

Sunday: I'm working a 10.5 hour shift so my mum will take the boy ice skating. He will then be going back to his grandparents again whom will get him ready to start back at school the following day.

So thats my plan for the week ahead. It's hard juggling shift patterns, childcare and things to do inbetween but somehow I'll make it work. I've no choice not to :rotfl:.

I also spoke to the boys dad today and told him he needs to step up and start taking more responsibility as it's all being left to me and the grandparents which is unfair. I don't know what else to do or what it's going to take. The boys life is passing before his eyes and he's not even noticing. He only cares about himself, his girlfriend and his social life. Things need to change.

Another thing I've done recently is deactivated facebook which surprisingly I've not missed at all. Whether its just a temporary thing or not, I know for the time being I want to stay away from social media as much as possible. I never spent alot of time on it but it would become a distraction, especially before bed time. I need to find other ways to relax.

jvr

Hi Chandelier


you always have so much going on and seem to balance it so well even while dealing with mental health issues, you need to give yourself more credit.


Hope the boys dad steps up, I can never get my head around how you could know your kid was busy growing up and not be involved... and then the women that date these men while they know they do nothing for their kid!


Hope your half term can be both fun and relaxing... your diary is my inspiration for debt free life

Chandelier.

Thanks JVR, it's always lovely to read back on comments like yours. I am still juggling alot of things in order to strike the right balance although things do seem to be getting easier. You're right when you say I don't give myself enough credit, quite a few people have said that to me. One day it will sink in. Plus one day that debt free life will be yours, baby steps and all that. There's always light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't think the boy's dad will step up anymore. He's had the past seven years too. I told him the plans for this week and where the boy would be and instead he rang me last night asking about where was the best steak house to take his girlfriend too. I asked him if he was seeing the boy and he said no. That says a lot really. I can't keep getting down over it anymore though, it's not really my problem anymore. The boy is well loved by those that surround him and me and him have a really close bond. He also has other male influences in his life such as family members so he won't be without such role models.

In other news we've finally confirmed definate plans for our holiday in September and I have a better idea of costs. I will no doubt use savings already accrued to pay for this, however I'll continue to save funds each month to top these back up as soon as possible. It's not going to be a cheap holiday but it will be one of the last expensive ones for a long time so we better make it worth it. Live life to the full and everything .

Saying that, I have plans for the future. They are not set in stone because as we all know things can change and the roads we thought we were going down can always lead to different paths. I need something to work towards though, I have goals and ambitions written down but it's making those small suttle changes in order to see results. I've yet to post my these as I've been thinking about them carefully as they have to be manageable.

All things money wise are running smoothly. I've still funds left in the budget pots for the rest of the month and suspect I'll have room to build up buffers/put into other savings at the end of the month, e.g. add any surplus to the holiday fund pot. As we're halfway through February I'm quite happy with how it's been managed so far and hope it continues. I've finally found a complicated system/money saving method that suits me and I am able to see the visual aspects each time I check my online banking which satisfy me. The small things that count and all that . I've also headed over to the O/S money saving board and have been looking for ideas on how to maximise the amount I save and ways to cut back. I've pretty much got my direct debits/main bills down to the minimum possible so it may when the time comes for the budget pots to be used, I'll find ways to save then on things such as car insurance/servicing/mot.

Anyhow enough rambling for a Wednesday morning. I've quite a busy day ahead and so far have received two valentines day cards from the boy along with a box of chocolates and a teddy. I love him so much, he's so sweet and thoughtful. His smile truly does brighten up my day.

Chandelier.

2018 GOALS

Personal.

- Improve my confidence and self esteem. I need to have more confidence in myself and my abilities and give myself more credit then I do. I've a few ideas how to do this such as practicing positive affirnations to myself, fake it till you make it attitude, taking pride in my appearance, taking into account how far I've come etc.
- Learn to be assertive. Learn to start saying no to people and not taking on more then I can handle. Also I need to learn to delegate tasks appropriately when required. I'm often seen as the laid back, fun person at work but I need to reign this in at times and start building upon my assertiveness/management skills.
- Widen my social circle and go out more. I've already done this to a certain extent. I'm maintaining friendships/relationships a whole lot better then twelve months ago and there is room for further improvement/potential. It's a key component to keeping me well.
- Keep in regular contact with friends/family. This is another thing I need to work on. Life can get busy and this can often be forgotten about so even if it's just a text or phone call, it's better then nothing.
- Start a blog or two. I've already started my own personal blog writing down about my thoughts, feelings and happenings in my life. The second one will be a food related blog that me and manfriend once spoke about doing including writing about places we go/food we experience.
- Research psychology/psychotherapy. I want to learn to understand my bipolar/adhd diagnoses. I know the basics but I want to learn more especially in regards to the psychotherapy aspect. It's quite interesting. The more I know the better equipped I'll be to deal with things. Also I'd like to practice mindfulness/daily gratitudes.

Health.

- Take my medication. I've taken the same medication regime albeit a small increase in certain medication for the past four months without stopping/giving up. This is the longest I've been compliant as last year I used to stop taking my medications when I'd get it into my head that I didn't need them. I know now more then ever that this is an important aspect to keeping me well and wish to continue.
- Change lifestyle and lose weight, monitor closely. Ideally I'd like to lose weight but I don't want to go on a diet. I'd rather it be a gradual lifestyle change. If I could lose 5lb a month I'd be happy, if more then that's much better. I need to start trying to eat new foods and a lot more vegetables. That's my aim and it will be better for the boy too.
- Start exercising. I'd like to start swimming and increase my stamina. I'd also like to increase the amount of cardiovascular activity I do. I'm looking at changing the gym I'm at to one closer to home, albeit a tad more expensive but I'll have access to more facilities. If I could exercise at least three times a week, it's better then nothing and inbetween I can start walking to places more. I may hunt out my old fitbit.
- Attend counselling. I have managed to access this through occupational health at work. I'm unsure of how many sessions I will get but some is better then nothing and I'm hoping to work through some deep rooted issues.

Work

- Secure permanent position. I'm currently half way through a six month contract. This ends at the beginning of May and I'm hoping to secure a permanent job role within this environment. I have worked hard to even manage to secure the temporary contract so I'll continue to do my best and prove that I'm a great asset to the team. Watch this space.
- Secure training opportunities. I've already undertaken many training opportunities over the past twelve months. I'd like to see what else can be offered to improve my knowledge/broaden my skills.

Money

- Save at least £5000. I've two accounts which should hopefully hit this amount by the end of the year. Any additional will be a bonus, given what events we have coming up for the rest of the year.
- Invest money wisely. I may head over to the savings/investment board and see what they can advise. I already have a help to buy ISA and I'm saving a fixed sum into a 5% interest account.
- See a mortgage advisor, find out what I can borrow. This isn't a definate must but maybe an avenue I'll explore once I've secured a permanent job position. It will be interesting to see what options I'll have.
- Pay for holiday in full. I have money available in savings for this but I'm still aiming to save a set amount each month to build my funds back up and allow us to have enough spending money.
- Prepare for future expenses. I've already done this to a certain extent with the seperate savings pot. I just need to continue doing this for the rest of the year.

The Boy and Family.

- Take the boy swimming more and increase his confidence. Ideally I'd like to do this at least once a month if not more. But we'll start with babysteps. I'm hoping by the time we go in holiday he'll be a much stronger swimmer.
.- Go to Legoland/Chessington/Thorpe Park/Warwick Castle. I'll plan ahead for these and make them into a long weekend or short midweek break. I'll set aside funds to allow us to do this. We already have merlin passes which run out in July. I'm unsure if we'll renew them this year.
- Visit a Space centre. I'm sure there is a space centre or some museum in the UK. I'll have to do my homework.
- Go walking outdoors more and exploring the countryside. I really, really want to do this. I just need to find the time and begin to research what is around us and maybe branch out further once confident. I can't wait for the warmer weather to kick in.
- Visit the beach more. We live right by the beach and really should visit more often as I find it a relaxing place to be.
- Go camping. I want to go at least once or twice this year with the boy. He loves this. I just need to learn how to be self sufficient and manage camping gear.
- Have more days out. This kind of covers most goals previously mentioned but I also want to do things more locally and that don't necessarily cost money. I may look into the national trust membership and see what's around.
- Visit relatives more often. I'm getting better at this but should make more time to visit those closest to me inbetween everything else.
- Teach the boy more at home. I used to be really on top of this but things got in the way. I'm now at a place where I'm mentally able to do this and focus on some home education that is fun. I may set a project each month and we can focus on this within our spare time inbetween everything else. I want to broaden his knowledge and give him the best chance in life so he has options. I was going to pay for a tutor but decided against it as I'm more then capable and I am quite intelligent, even though it doesn't always seem it.

Chandelier.

So yet again it's Friday.

It's not been to bad a week to be fair, spends have been minimal.

On Wednesday we ended up visiting the boy's great grannie and then went to visit my aunties where he had lots of fun playing with his cousin. I got to have a good catch up with my aunt during this and we discussed a lot of things. We then went to manfriend house and stayed over.

Yesterday I had two appointments, one with the team leader of the care team I'm under and another for counselling through occy health team at work. To be honest both appointments left me feeling disappointed. I don't feel like I'm any further with my care team and they brush me off as coping and being fine. The counselling appointment started off well and then the lady tailed off and decided it was CBT I needed which that's what I'd been asking for the whole time so it seemed to be a waste of time just as I started opening up about things. That's what annoyed me, I'm aware the positive is now I'll get a short term course of CBT to see me through the next month or two.

The boy spent some time with manfriend and did some painting in the garden with him. He ended up covered and had paint all in his hair and face haha. Then we went home and his dad picked him up and took him for the night and is spending time with him today which is the first time it's happened in a long while. I hope the boy's enjoyed it.

I'm working yet another late shift today so I really need to get myself ready for it. I also need to pick my medication up before I go to work.

I've hardly spent any money this past week apart from £6 to get my eyebrows waxed and £5.60 in a taxi.

Although we didn't do everything as planmed out earlier on in the week, the boy has still had a great time and it's saved the bank balance.

I reckon I just need to put some petrol in my car maybe at the weekend but hopefully it will see me through till the end of the month.

At the end of the month I'll review all pots and what I've spent/saved.