Adventures of the Boy & Me: Part 2..

jvr

Well done on accessing support and remember to be kind to yourself it can be very phsyically draining and you will need more rest than normal.
Sorry about man friend, it's a hard situation and obviously we don't know exactly what happened. When OH first came to UK he thought mental health problems were a weak English thing! Then a few of his friends experienced bad mental health problems and so did he. His understanding had come along way... I guess what im trying to say is sometimes it sounds like you feel guilty for having them and that it makes you lesser in some way but most people experience it at some point and I think any relationship needs to be able to cope with those points in life.... Im not sure if that makes any sense...

Chandelier.

So todays a new day.

I've woke up feeling very tired still, I think it's these new antidepressents I was started on. I can't stop yawning throughout the day and can't shift the feeling of fatigue but I need to give them time to get into my system and hopefully work their magic.

I should have a visit today from a support worker from the crisis team, I'm not sure what time that will be yet and will find out later but I want to crack on with my day.

I've been putting a lot of things off just recently and need to get back on top of things. Everything is building up and I'm not quite sure where to start.

I've not been to the gym in a couple of days but plan on doing this morning. The plan was to go yesterday but I ended up sleeping in then had to go to work.

I keep getting comments at work that I'm a lot quieter then usual. I think people are just concerned but I'm telling them I'm okay. I have to be okay and work is a distraction from everything else, I'm able to hold it together there with the help and support.

I have an appointment tomorrow through occupational health for some CBT which hopefully will be the start of something. It's only short term, maybe 6 sessions but its one outlet.

I've looked into private counselling/therapy and I'm looking at around £60 a session which is rather expensive but maybe it will be worth it. I could probably afford this if I have an appointment once a fortnight, maybe give it 6-8 sessions just to get me through short term along with other support. There is room in the budget and surely it will be worthwhile. I need to email the lady back and book an initial consultation but have to pay up front. I've done my research and she has a lot of experience and covers many different types of therapies that we can work out what may suit me.

I've had minimal spends over the past 3/4 days and most of my direct debits have come out now which is all good. I just need to transfer some funds to my mum for when she took the boy to his ice skating lesson.

The boy is being picked up from school today by his Dad so hopefully they can have some quality time together. I need to book the boy in for breakfast club tomorrow as my appointment is early in the morning and I have work later on in the day.

I've started to listen to music as a way to relax even when I'm doing something. I found some head phones and have signed up to a free months of spotify. If i continue to listen to music then I may sign up for it monthly and use money from my entertainment budget to pay for it. I'm expanding my playlist as I go along.

Hey ho, that's it really.

Scott_Weiland_2

I've started to listen to music as a way to relax even when I'm doing something. I found some head phones and have signed up to a free months of spotify. If i continue to listen to music then I may sign up for it monthly and use money from my entertainment budget to pay for it. I'm expanding my playlist as I go along.


Re the above I do this, I don't know your musical choices but mines rock/80's hair metal net result I listen to Planet Rock I love the Hairy Bikers off the tele they do there own radio show.

Chandelier.

Morning,

So yesterday didn't go as planned. I didn't go to the gym or get much done.

I had a visit from a psychological wellbeing practitioner who basically told me what I already knew and the whole appointment left me feeling rather dissapointed. He basically told me I need to learn to be more assertive, work on my self esteem/confidence and let go of my high expectations and stop avoiding. He left some paperwork for me to fill in. I understand I need to engage with this but then he mentioned I had a visit for today to talk about discharge planning from the crisis team. I've only been under them for a week now and I'm left wondering what was the point? I'm really going to have to do this myself aren't I? I'll be going back under my old care team. I really don't know what I need anymore.

I'm sat in my car waiting for my CBT appointment that is through occupational health at work. I'm hoping that something will at least come of this. I need to have hope somewhere.

After this appointment I'll be going to the gym. I've had some porridge for breakfast this morning to start my day off. I have this discharge planning meeting at 11am and then I have work later on from 1-9pm so will be kept busy all day which I suppose is a good thing.

I haven't spoke to manfriend much, we've mentioned about going to Bingo on Thursday night but I'm not quite sure I'm strong enough to go through with it. The more I see him, the more I'll want him. It's funny how things change. I really can't imagine him not being in my life but at the same time I need to let go and focus on myself.

I still haven't had any spends however I've had my eye on a fitness tracker for a while and think I'm going to purchase one for myself. My mum and sister both have one and it keeps them motivated. I'm sure I can find one for around £30. I'll look into it later.

I also need to nip to the shops for some bits and bobs so will do that on my way back from the gym before I get ready and showered for the day ahead.

I'm going to put my brave face on at work and act like the old me. Hopefully the more I practice maybe it will finally come back to me. I must remain positive.

Chandelier.

Hey ho!

Yesterday didn't go totally to plan. I got everything I planned to do, done in the morning including a good gym workout but my care team messed up the appointment times and so my discharge planning meeting has been rearranged for next Tuesday at 11am. I've barely been under the crisis team yet they're already thinking ahead. It's disappointing in many ways because so much was promised and hasn't happened but I'm coming to terms with it. I've got to be the one making changes and I can't always rely on the support of others as it won't always be there, plus resources are stretched enough as it is.

I managed to survive work! I spent time doing my hair and makeup and put on a happy face which seemed to work for a while. My mood dipped slightly at one point but I managed to level myself out. It's amazing how much more confident I feel once I've done my makeup. I'm getting so much better at it and often receive compliments which makes me feel good.

After work I went home and was about to settle down for the night when manfriend phoned me and invited me round. We had a glass of red wine and ordered a pizza and watched TV for a while before I nodded off. I ended up staying over and nearly didn't wake up in time this morning. I woke up panicking and rushed home to sort the boy out for school. I'm not sure where things are going but I think we're just going to be friends for a while and see how things pan out. I hope they work out the way I want them to but one can only see. I'm just grateful to have him in my life, he's stuck around through the worst of it and he's still here. I don't think many people would do that.

After I dropped the boy off at school I went home and fell asleep for a couple of hours before I had a visit from someone from the crisis team. They stayed for around half an hour but commented on how exhausted I looked. My eyes were bloodshot, probably because I'd not long awoke but I couldn't stop yawning. I spent the rest of my day bingewatching tv programmes and just recuperating. I then picked the boy up from school and have picked up my medication from the pharmacy.

I'm not going to Bingo tonight as manfriend has other plans but I'm okay with it as I'll get to spend time with the boy and watch him ice skate. Due to my shift pattern this week, my mum will be taking him to most of his lessons. I'm so lucky to have my mum and how flexible she can be. She loves the boy so much and always spoils him, especially when I'm not there! I came home last weekend from a long day at work to find she had bought the boy some new lego, she had such a guilty look on her face haha.

I need to order some new equipment for work as one of my items broke last night and I can't be without it. I should be able to get a cheap one off ebay or amazon. I also need to pay the boy's childcare upfront this month so I'll do that later on.

The plan for tomorrow is to drop the boy off at school for 8am, go to the gym and then finally write out the invitations for my Mums 60th and I'll start to deliver them on Saturday and early next week. I then have work 1 till 9pm. I've suggested to manfriend if he wants to see me before I go to work then I'm happy too.

I guess my post is sounding a bit more positive then my last few. I'm finding it helps to write it all down somewhere. I think I may finally be coming out the other side of this dark spell and believing there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings and actions and turn any negatives into positives.

I think I'm still going to pursue the private therapy option, even if its only for a few months. I may start with fortnightly appointments and then tone it down to once monthly. I'm also going to look up some self help techniques.

I'm going to get through this and I know I can. I'm going to get better and become the old happy, bubbly, outgoing person that everyone grew to love. I have so much going for me and alot of potential in me. I'm going to work hard and achieve the goals I've set out for myself but I'm going to let go of some of my high expectations and focus on being realistic and optimistic. I'm determined and I know I'll still have bad days but hopefully the good will outweigh them.

Money wise, I guess so far for this month I'm doing well. I've yet to spend much probably due to my shift patterns but I'm going to make sure I plan a few outings with friends and enjoy myself. However I need to ensure there is a healthy balance and not over do it. Next month I have my car service and MOT due and I'm happy to say there's money in the pot to pay for it! April will be a spendy month so I'm going to knuckle down and concentrate this month on my spends to ensure I have enough to cover the costs of my Mums 60th, I'm yet to total it all up but I have a rough budget and I'm sure my brother and sister will be contributing.

jvr

First thing... my sis just got a tracker
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B072FS4J79/ref=cm_sw_r_wa_api_TeLOAbFC4VRGT
and she says its really good


You do sound more positive, but you still seem to put so much pressure on yourself to be perfectly well. I might be over stepping here but also wonder about how the friendship with manfriend is effecting you at the moment. Seems a bit like he has all the cards, decides he doesn't want the relationship but when he wants he can call to meet up? Please feel free to ignore me or tell me to shut up but I wonder if a bit of distance for a few weeks and not meeting when he wants might do you some good?


I'm really sorry to hear about the critical team, its just shocking how little help there is and I can hear you say you need to sort it out yourself and that shouldn't be the case but sadly it is. I think if you can stretch to private counselling that might be the answer to providing you with the support you need that you know you can rely on and won't be suddenly pulled out from under you.

Chandelier.

Jvr, you're right I do need that break. I'm holding onto something and clutching straws. He's a lovely person and I've not a bad word to say about him. I enjoy his company but I think ultinately I'll have to sacrifice things to get myself to a better place. He's stuck around so far amd if he wants to continue then I'll let him, even if it's just as friends.

I'm currenrly at the gym and have spent an hour and twenty mins just walking on the treadmill. I feel nice and relaxed. Last night I gor myself into an anxious state and woke this morning feeling the same. I just couldn't shift it.

I probably do put too much pressure on myself and I need to lower my standards. I'm always trying to please and make others happy but I ignore my own needs during this.

Chandelier.

Evening,

Yesterday I ended up spending over two hours at the gym exercising and getting my frustration out. I felt a lot better after for it. I then went to work on a late shift which ended up busy and stressful! I was glad to go home after 9pm.

Although I love work, some people do test my boundaries and it makes me wonder what they're thinking when they are doing tasks that are completely irrelevant when there is work to be carried out. It's unfair to leave all the work to other members of staff whilst they faff around. I had to bite my tongue and there was a lot of tension about which made me even more anxious/frustrated.

I came home to find the boy had waited up for me because he wanted to say goodnight! He's so lovely.

Today we have been swimming and had some good quality time with one another, laughing and joking around. We then went to the shops and picked up some cards for mothers day and the boy decided he wanted to buy me, his nana and nanny presents.. obviously funded by the bank of me but it's the thought that counts. I closed my eyes so I couldn't see! We then went and got his hair cut and styled which has made him look so grown up. He'll always be my baby though!

Tonight I'm off to my friends house for a takeaway and we are looking at booking a holiday together for the end of June. I've no idea where we are looking to go but we can explore our options later on. It will most likely be somewhere cheap and cheerful just for a break. I've booked the annual leave off for it at work so we have definate dates to work with.

I got called into the managers office at work yesterday to be told I have a meeting coming up towards the end of next month to decide whether they are going to make my contract permanent. I think it's going to be positive as I've been asked to book all my annual leave for the rest of the year and my manager was smiling when we were discussing it and I also spoke about wanting to do some further training to be able to take on students which she commented that she had already thought about it as she has heard that I'm good with them. So that's all positive.

I was suppose to have a visit from someone from my care team but they are yet to turn up. I bet I'm forgotten, I've already rung twice and had no call back. How frustrating.

Chandelier.

Hello,

It's been a hectic few days in the life of me. My emotions have been all over the place and there's been plenty of tears which is unusual as I never cry.

The crisis team have been absolutely awful, especially one person in particular who judged me and made assumptions and questioned my whole mental health in a way that was critical. In the end I told him to leave my house as I felt I was being personally attacked in my own space. He was suppose to contact and come visit me on Saturday but I never heard anything. I asked my mum and she said no one had visited. It turns out he told her to keep it quiet and not tell me, yet he told me yesterday he had visited. So it made things seem a lot worse as I wondered why he told my mum to keep it a secret.. had I been in a different frame of mind, I could have potentially had an outburst.

I've been working the past three days so spends have been minimal bar a few essentials. I'm also working today which is my last shift of four until the weekend.

I'll be glad for some days off as I can feel myself coming down with something. I've woke up feeling chesty and wheezy again which isn't good and not what I need.

I'm just trying to focus on the present and keep my head held high.

My manager at work has put me forward for a course which will enhance my personal development, so I'm happy with that and its one closer indication that I'm likely to be given a permanent contract.

Thats pretty much it for now.

jvr

That's awful and incredibly unprofessional to ask your mum to keep something quiet... I really would make a formal complaint! Trust is a huge part of getting support and clearly he has more than broken that.