Can jealousy and possessiveness change?

Kmx

Dp and I have been together for 9 years with two kids 6&1. Things are quite bad at the moment with regards to his jealousy. We've been here before, where I have been ready to leave but always think "its not the bad and he will change".

Some examples of his controlling ways:
1. Went away to work for two weeks. Came home noticed id fake tanned my body and began questioning me why I had fake tanned my body when hes away yet dont do it when hes home. It makes me nervous and anxious when he questions me. I tell him to get a grip why are you so controlling and he mentions the amount of people ive slept with and basically how half of our town think ive slept with too many people.
2. Ignores any requests from me for him to go out socialising and to come home at a reasonable hour and not to take drugs. Recent example is that I went away for an overnight in a hotel with friends. Told him id be home the next day at 2pm. His works night out was at 5pm. My train was delayed and I got home at 4pm. He calls me complaining that he'll be late and that he cant get ready with two kids (he can he just didn't want to). I get home at 4pm he tells me I will now need to drive him to pub which is 1 hour round trip with two kids. I say no get the train he shouts and swears and kicks a toy which lands on. He then doesn't come home until 8am the next morning and took drugs.
3. Going out for dinner with friends, says I look nice but why dont I make that effort for him.
4. In a friends housewarming and I was drunk. Ended up in the end of the night speaking to a guy (friends husband) in the kitchen who can be flirtatious but he storms in and sees us speaking and then proceeds to question me the next day asking me why is it always me in those situations. I end up crying feeling awful when in reality I done nothing wrong.

This is just a snippet of examples.

Ive had enough.

The thing is he also has many loveable traits. Hes a provider and is so generous. After having our second child I stay at home and he works. Extremely hard and very stressful.

He also lost his parents young and blames his possessiveness on his fear of losing everyone again. He literally has no one except me and our kids. I feel bad for him.

I told him id had enough and I was getting a job and looking to leave. Hes feeling awful. Said hes disgusted with himself. How could he be so awful. He promises to change. To get counselling but im feeling strong now and I dont want to go back and endure more controlling ways as I don't know how much more I can cope with and if ill be strong enough again.

So do you think itll change? I was going to look for a job and try to get myself on my own two feet. I was going to review the situation in one months time and if he hasnt made the steps to seek counselling then go.

But day to day life makes it hard. Especially when hes making such an effort now. I fear ill forget how I felt and becone weak.

Kmx

I think the reason these issues have been highlighted so much recently is due to increased going out due to birthday and christmas and also me stopping breastfeeding.

Day to day we rarely argue and get on well. He works 12 hour days and I deal with everything domestically and with childcare.

Which is why its confusing as day to day it isnt that bad.

The thing is ive recently found myself unable to enjoy myself and wanting to come home early I guess in an attempt to make him happy.

However even when I do get home early he asks me if any guys spoke to me, ill say no but then something will get mentioned a day or two later that I met someone and he was telling me about his new job/home ect and hell say "I thought you said you didn't speak to any guys". And I did but I didn't lie deliberately, just because this conversation wasn't significant in my mind.

Again it fills me with a feeling of dread when he does this.

But generally day to day we are ok. And its confusing.

HappyHandsMM

Why did you fake tan when he was away but never do it when he's home?

Why do you dress up for your friends but not for him?

You've given a lot of examples of times one of you goes out without the other. Do you ever go out together? Spend time just the two of you on a 'date night'?

Also, it seems a little far fetched to suggest conversations with men when you're on a night out are so insignificant you don't mention them when asked, particularly when they are so significant you are reminded of them a few days later and feel compelled to talk about them with him?

Yes, his behaviour is a bit on the possessive side, but it seems your behaviour is a bit odd too... Unless I've read it wrong?

Comms69

Kmx wrote: »

Dp and I have been together for 9 years with two kids 6&1. Things are quite bad at the moment with regards to his jealousy. We've been here before, where I have been ready to leave but always think "its not the bad and he will change".

Some examples of his controlling ways: - Have you ever cheated on him? Has he ever been cheated on?
1. Went away to work for two weeks. Came home noticed id fake tanned my body and began questioning me why I had fake tanned my body when hes away yet dont do it when hes home. It makes me nervous and anxious when he questions me. I tell him to get a grip why are you so controlling and he mentions the amount of people ive slept with and basically how half of our town think ive slept with too many people. - I don't want a number, and your life is your life, but do you consider it too many? Are his numbers similar?
2. Ignores any requests from me for him to go out socialising and to come home at a reasonable hour and not to take drugs. Recent example is that I went away for an overnight in a hotel with friends. Told him id be home the next day at 2pm. His works night out was at 5pm. My train was delayed and I got home at 4pm. He calls me complaining that he'll be late and that he cant get ready with two kids (he can he just didn't want to). I get home at 4pm he tells me I will now need to drive him to pub which is 1 hour round trip with two kids. I say no get the train he shouts and swears and kicks a toy which lands on. He then doesn't come home until 8am the next morning and took drugs. - doesn't sound very nice at all. Does he socialise locally?
3. Going out for dinner with friends, says I look nice but why dont I make that effort for him. - I think that may be quite a reasonable comment if it was on it's own. Sometimes it's nice to make the effort for the person you're with
4. In a friends housewarming and I was drunk. Ended up in the end of the night speaking to a guy (friends husband) in the kitchen who can be flirtatious - there's a difference between banter and flirting, which was it? but he storms in and sees us speaking and then proceeds to question me the next day asking me why is it always me in those situations. I end up crying feeling awful when in reality I done nothing wrong.

This is just a snippet of examples.

- he doesn't sound very nice, but then you both don't seem to do anything as a couple, so it's probably over.

Ive had enough.

The thing is he also has many loveable traits. Hes a provider and is so generous. After having our second child I stay at home and he works. Extremely hard and very stressful.

He also lost his parents young and blames his possessiveness on his fear of losing everyone again. He literally has no one except me and our kids. I feel bad for him.

I told him id had enough and I was getting a job and looking to leave. Hes feeling awful. Said hes disgusted with himself. How could he be so awful. He promises to change. To get counselling but im feeling strong now and I dont want to go back and endure more controlling ways as I don't know how much more I can cope with and if ill be strong enough again.

So do you think itll change? I was going to look for a job and try to get myself on my own two feet. I was going to review the situation in one months time and if he hasnt made the steps to seek counselling then go.

But day to day life makes it hard. Especially when hes making such an effort now. I fear ill forget how I felt and becone weak.

Do you want him to change? He wont do it on his own. It just sounds like you both want to be single

Comms69

Kmx wrote: »

I think the reason these issues have been highlighted so much recently is due to increased going out due to birthday and christmas and also me stopping breastfeeding.

Day to day we rarely argue and get on well. He works 12 hour days and I deal with everything domestically and with childcare.

Which is why its confusing as day to day it isnt that bad.

The thing is ive recently found myself unable to enjoy myself and wanting to come home early I guess in an attempt to make him happy.

However even when I do get home early he asks me if any guys spoke to me, ill say no but then something will get mentioned a day or two later that I met someone and he was telling me about his new job/home ect and hell say "I thought you said you didn't speak to any guys". And I did but I didn't lie deliberately, just because this conversation wasn't significant in my mind.

Again it fills me with a feeling of dread when he does this.

But generally day to day we are ok. And its confusing.

Is it possible he feels an outsider. He works 12 hour days, spends presumably 6- hours asleep.


If the 4 hours in between aren't spent as a couple then what are they spent doing?

Kmx

I do, thats the thing.

I fake tanned for him coming home. And I fake tan every week I had just done more of my body on this particular day due to a shorter top I was wearing.

And I make an effort every single day. I put on a red lipstick on the particular occasion which was apparently the big effort I made but I wear make up every day.

We get to go on datenights once a month or so. I hardly ever usually go out without him but due to stopping breastfeeding and various birthdays and family events plus his work event we have been out separately which is highlighting his possessive and making me unhappy.

On our last date night we got a call from the babysitter that our youngest daughter wasnt settling. We had to come home early and due to this had an argument as he didn't want to come home. He was driving during the argument and started driving dangerously to scare me or take his anger out.

AylesburyDuck

HappyHandsMM wrote: »

Why did you fake tan when he was away but never do it when he's home?

Why do you dress up for your friends but not for him?

You've given a lot of examples of times one of you goes out without the other. Do you ever go out together? Spend time just the two of you on a 'date night'?

Also, it seems a little far fetched to suggest conversations with men when you're on a night out are so insignificant you don't mention them when asked, particularly when they are so significant you are reminded of them a few days later and feel compelled to talk about them with him?

Yes, his behaviour is a bit on the possessive side, but it seems your behaviour is a bit odd too... Unless I've read it wrong?

Couldnt agree more, 6 of one, and half a dozen of the other.
You expect too much OP, doesnt seem too over the top to me.

AylesburyDuck

Oh typical, the OP is now going to drip feed in more relevant info, when frankly it should have gone in the OP.
I'm out.

Kmx

Really? Maybe my expectations are too high then but I dont expect to have to come home and account for every male I spoke to.

Im reminded by the conversation as its a mutual friend. Someone I bumped into and say hi hows things? Hell say great I got a new job at xyz and thatll be it. Then ill remember during a conversation and say oh yes I seen Johnny he was telling me about his new job. It seems too insignificant to even remember when he asks if I spoke to guys.

Also my sexual history is more than him yes but also I feel hurt he brings mine up. Hes been with 2, me 10 which still to me isnt disgraceful.

Hes never been cheated on previously and ive never cheated on him.

He works 12 hours because he wants to. He works from home. Rolls out of bed at 8am and into his office where hell stay all day and sometimes join us for dinner or come down and wtch tv until bedtime whilst working on his laptop.

Attila_the_Bun

Kmx wrote: »

1. Went away to work for two weeks. Came home noticed id fake tanned my body and began questioning me why I had fake tanned my body when hes away yet dont do it when hes home. It makes me nervous and anxious when he questions me. I tell him to get a grip why are you so controlling and he mentions the amount of people ive slept with and basically how half of our town think ive slept with too many people.
2. Ignores any requests from me for him to go out socialising and to come home at a reasonable hour and not to take drugs. Recent example is that I went away for an overnight in a hotel with friends. Told him id be home the next day at 2pm. His works night out was at 5pm. My train was delayed and I got home at 4pm. He calls me complaining that he'll be late and that he cant get ready with two kids (he can he just didn't want to). I get home at 4pm he tells me I will now need to drive him to pub which is 1 hour round trip with two kids. I say no get the train he shouts and swears and kicks a toy which lands on. He then doesn't come home until 8am the next morning and took drugs.
3. Going out for dinner with friends, says I look nice but why dont I make that effort for him.
4. In a friends housewarming and I was drunk. Ended up in the end of the night speaking to a guy (friends husband) in the kitchen who can be flirtatious but he storms in and sees us speaking and then proceeds to question me the next day asking me why is it always me in those situations. I end up crying feeling awful when in reality I done nothing wrong.

Gordon Bennett, sounds like something from the Jeremy Kyle show.

Kmx

Oh goodness, what unhelpful confrontation responses. Wow, genuinely feeling rock bottom confidence why and wondering whether am wrong or hes wrong or if hell change or what.

Im out too for what its worth.