Card etiquette

lincroft1710

PrettyKittyKat wrote: »

My friend had a stillborn baby - not the same situation I know but relevant. She has spoken openly about how it pains her to have cards addressed to her and her husband without her sons name, as though he never existed and isn't part of her family, which for her he very much is. She signs cards from her, her husband and her son.

I find this disturbing, the son was never part of the family. I don't know how to say this sensitively, but I think your friend needs help.

Kynthia

lincroft1710 wrote: »

I find this disturbing, the son was never part of the family. I don't know how to say this sensitively, but I think your friend needs help.

She carried him with her for 9 months. She felt him move, stroked him when he had hiccups, saw his face on scans, etc. I think she gets to decide whether he was part of her family.

lincroft1710

Kynthia wrote: »

She carried him with her for 9 months. She felt him move, stroked him when he had hiccups, saw his face on scans, etc. I think she gets to decide whether he was part of her family.

It still seems strange expecting people to send cards including the name of a deceased family member as if they were still alive.

One of my cousins was killed in a road accident when a teenager. I'm sure my aunt and uncle would have been very upset if we had included my late cousin's name on any cards we sent.

Red-Squirrel_2

Kynthia wrote: »

She carried him with her for 9 months. She felt him move, stroked him when he had hiccups, saw his face on scans, etc. I think she gets to decide whether he was part of her family.

Of course, but I don't think its the norm to expect others to address cards including deceased family members.

My neighbour was widowed a couple of months ago. I have sent a card with no mention of the word 'merry' or 'happy' and wished him a peaceful christmas and let him know that I am thinking of him. I think that acknowledges the loss but without the strangeness of addressing it to a person who isn't around anymore.

MysteryMe

By all means mention some who has passed as being remembered or in our thoughts etc but dear "deceased" and carrying on as is they are alive is odd.

PrettyKittyKat

lincroft1710 wrote: »

I find this disturbing, the son was never part of the family. I don't know how to say this sensitively, but I think your friend needs help.

The fact you think this way is the exact reason why so many women that have been through the trauma of loosing a child through stillbirth struggle to deal with their grief. Regardless of whether that child took a breath of course it was part of their family! Having such narrow minded views as this causes so many women (and men) heightened grief. If you took the time to read the stories of parents who have lost a baby through stillbirth you would realise that for some the acknowledgement that their child existed is of great comfort.

It is not for any of us to dictate how someone handles their grief or whether it is 'wrong' or 'right'. Every person is different. As long as they are not hurting others than whether they want that person acknowledged on a card is hardly going to cause an issue to the person writing it, but could be a huge comfort to the person receiving it. Likewise it would be distressing. That's why asking their preference or taking lead from how they sign their cards would be the best idea.